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He took drunk sexual advantage of me


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I had been dating a guy (let's call him ex date) for 2 months, I stopped having feelings & sexual attraction for him so I broke it off, but we were still good friends. Shortly after that I started developing a romantic connection with an online friend (over text) and we were planning to meet. I told him that I wouldn't sleep with anyone until we met, which would be in less than a month.

Two weeks after the break with ex date, and a day after I made that promise, I got extremely drunk at a small get together my roommate had. One of the guests was sending live and my ex date viewed it, he saw and heard that I was drunk off my face, that I walked in to a wall etc. and messaged me if I wanted him to come and join us. I didn't want him to come to our place because I didn't want to do anything with him so that I didn't have to ask him to leave. But me and ex date had promised to finish some work that we had together at one point, so drunk as I was I wanted to keep the party going and suggested to do that work (this particular job could be done while drunk), he said sure and that I should take a taxi to his place and kept messaging me to come while I wasn't leaving the party, so I did, knowing I could leave just after we had finished it.

When I came there I was ready to start doing the work that we had planned, but he didn't want to do, confused I started doing the work on my own and sat by myself at his computer. He then suggested for us to watch some series - this is something that we used to do as friends before we were dating, but also during dating. So I knew that he could watch series in a friendly way which I wanted to make sure of so I told him "I can watch series with you as long as we don't do anything, I don't want to do anything like that with you". He said of course and we went to his room where his TV was. He laid down on his side of the bed and before I laid down I said once again that I didn't want us to do anything, he was acting like it was weird of me to even make sure like that - so I laid down as far away as I could of him.

After that I just have flashbacks, I remember that he started touching my V and holding me, I have a feeling that I took his hand away once (but I'm not sure) and then the next memory I have is him having sex with me on top of me. I think he got off me and wanted me to be on top of him, I was so drunk and confused and I'm not sure if I did, I just remember that I interrupt it and stand up next to the bed, and I say something like "no let's stop". I lie down again on my side and within 10 seconds he starts to go down on me. I think I interrupt it and he falls asleep. I end up leaving his place and I don't feel bad about it at first, but as the hours go and I'm sobering up I start to feel really bad and when I see him messaging me I feel just disgusted viewing his picture and seeing his messages.

It starts to eat me up more and more as the days go by, ex date keeps messaging me, says something random about yesterday and I say something indicating I didn't remember what happened and he says "you don't remember yesterday?" - I don't answer and he skips on to the next subject asking if I want to join a party or whatever. After 3 days of me being a bit short but still answering, he writes me a message out of the blue about everything he has done for me and how he has always treated me right, that he always wanted the best for me and that he will stop messaging me but if I ever need anything I can contact him. I end up writing to him that I don't understand why he had sex with me despite me telling him that I didn't want to. He goes in defense directly and writes me an angry message back saying that he saw me walk in to a wall, wanted to save me from being on the friends live and that it was my choice to go to him and that we did it together, and that we shouldn't speak anymore "what a joke" etc. I feel uncomfortable and a bit intimidated and write something neutral back about how I think he could have responded better and that I wanted to ask and know.

Anyways I try to deal with it myself, thinking that it was stupid of me to be so drunk so I took responsibility for me putting myself in that situation, but that I don't want to ever see him anymore because I felt totally different about him. A few days after I find out from someone that he had a prostitute party a few days before he had sex with me while being that drunk, which made me feel even more violated and used than before because I'm very much against that.

I don't know how to classify this. I know that he took sexual advantage of me because he knew that it was his only chance of having sex with me, I don't even know if I fell asleep (something I usually do in a sec of being drunk lying in a bed). I just know that it was not at all what I wanted, he should have never had sex with me if he saw me being that off my face drunk and "helping me" like that. He had been drinking apparently too, and when confronted later by his friend he said he never heard me say once that I didn't want to, which is something he must have heard because I said it AT LEAST 2 times clearly cause I knew I wanted to make sure. What I have a hard time with is my bad memory, and I blame myself for being that drunk and "gullible" but I saw him as a friend. What if I got horny after his touching and wanted it, but I think what I said twice should have been enough and I know deep down if he would have ever asked me for consent I would have said no. I also find that message very strange, why would he declare everything good he has done for me suddenly out of the blue. 

I am disappointed in how many men only care about themselves and having sex to all costs, that they are so driven by it that they don't think about me as a person and my wishes. No ***ing respect. I would just like to hear your opinion about the situation, because I am not sure I fully accept it yet, and I think I could benefit from some objective honest views.

What is your opinion about this situation, and about guys having sex with really drunk girls?

Edited by ninakov
Just deleted some unnecessary fill-in words
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30 minutes ago, ninakov said:

I started developing a romantic connection with an online friend (over text) and we were planning to meet. I told him that I wouldn't sleep with anyone until we met

Who is this online man you intend to meet? Why would you make promises like that to someone you've never met?

It sounds like you and your friend/exbf have developed a FWB situation.

It's unclear how you got in a cab, managed to get to his place and work on his computer of you were falling down drunk.

Date rape is a serious accusation so be clear a on what you are doing and what you want.

Did you go to an ER for a rape kit? Did you report him to the police? Are you still friends/FWB/dating?

Edited by Wiseman2
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OMG I sure hope you have vowed to yourself that you will never, ever, get that hammered again.  I also hope you have blocked and deleted this guy from ever contacting you again.

Sounds like date rape to me but I am not a cop or lawyer.  Did you call the police?  Go to the ER?

If you were that drunk, how did you manage to get in a cab, go to his place, attempt to do work on a computer?  Did it not occur to you that if you lay on his bed beside him, that he might want to have sex with you?

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Well, he definitelly took advantage of you. It does borderline rape if you explicitly said no. However, you should have never come to him in the first place. You left the party drunk to come to your ex boyfriend. To do some "work". Then you proceeded to laid down beside him to watch some series. What did you expect to happen? Ofcourse he would try to have sex, that was his goal as soon as he saw you drunk and you obliged him to the point where you were in same bed. What I am trying to say is that you need to be careful with stuff like that. You need to protect yourself first to not ever come in situations like that and you did exactly the opposite. Because nobody else would. People(well in this case men) would try to take advantage. Its up to you if you let them.

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Unfortunately, whether it's fair or not his attorney will ask you those same questions as others posted above; if you were too drunk to consent, how were you sober enough to arrange for a taxi, give the correct address, go to the correct house/apartment, do some computer work (I'm curious to know what computer work can be done accurately while drunk, but that's another topic) and then consent to go into his bedroom and lie down on the bed.  Now, it's NOT OK for a man to have sex with you against your will no matter what room you're in or where you're sitting/lying down.  But it looks like you at least consented to all of the above.

If you want to pursue this, you'll need to file a police report.  They probably can't do much about a rape kit if it's been more than 24 hours and you've showered but at least the report will be filed and they will probably question him.

As for "men" doing this, if these are the types of men you've been dating it might be time to take a hard look at the men you're choosing.  I have never dated a man who tried to get me to have sex against my will, so maybe think about what attracts you to these kind of men.  You should be treated with respect.  Give a hard pass to men who show they don't respect you.

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who is this online man you intend to meet? Why would you make promises like that to someone you've never met?

It sounds like you and your friend/exbf have developed a FWB situation.

It's unclear how you got in a cab, managed to get to his place and work on his computer of you were falling down drunk.

Date rape is a serious accusation so be clear a on what you are doing and what you want.

Did you go to an ER for a rape kit? Did you report him to the police? Are you still friends/FWB/dating?

Me and the new guy had been friends online for around 6 months and knew a lot about each other. I made the promise because when our friendship developed to a more romantic liking we really fell for each other, ended up not going so well and we didn't meet.

No, it wasn't a friends with benefits situation. This guy is someone I would never want to have as friends with benefits. I have blocked him everywhere since. I didn't report to the police because of the alcohol aspect.

He saw me and also confirmed via text that he saw me walking into a wall, in his defense to say that I was too drunk and he helped me basically from embarrasing myself from being on the friends live. Your body can still function to walk while being extremely drunk. I don't want to disclose too much information here - I just sat at the computer and wanted to start but it required him to be able to start the work.

Edited by ninakov
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2 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

OMG I sure hope you have vowed to yourself that you will never, ever, get that hammered again.  I also hope you have blocked and deleted this guy from ever contacting you again.

Sounds like date rape to me but I am not a cop or lawyer.  Did you call the police?  Go to the ER?

If you were that drunk, how did you manage to get in a cab, go to his place, attempt to do work on a computer?  Did it not occur to you that if you lay on his bed beside him, that he might want to have sex with you?

I have blocked and deleted this guy from everywhere. I have been too gullible in these situations, especially with alcohol and since I saw him as a friend. Going to the police would have been useless here. 

The work is very different and basically being drunk makes it almost easier to do (cryptic but I don't want to disclose too much details). Yes, but that's why I wanted to be clear with him that I didn't want that and said it 2 times to the least. I thought that as a friend and person you would respect someones no. I mean we knew each other well and I cared for him and wanted to keep our friendship. But I will never put myself in the same situation again, that's something I learned from this. 

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

Well, he definitelly took advantage of you. It does borderline rape if you explicitly said no. However, you should have never come to him in the first place. You left the party drunk to come to your ex boyfriend. To do some "work". Then you proceeded to laid down beside him to watch some series. What did you expect to happen? Ofcourse he would try to have sex, that was his goal as soon as he saw you drunk and you obliged him to the point where you were in same bed. What I am trying to say is that you need to be careful with stuff like that. You need to protect yourself first to not ever come in situations like that and you did exactly the opposite. Because nobody else would. People(well in this case men) would try to take advantage. Its up to you if you let them.

The work sounds weird but makes sense if you would know. Yeah I agree with what you are saying, I just think that other people think like me sometimes. I would never try to hook up with a guy being that drunk and also saying that he didn't want to, but I realize that's not how other people think.

51 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

It does sound like date rape. Alas, I think it would be very, very difficult to prove. 

Definitely avoid this guy in the future. And don't get drunk like that anymore. 

Yes I have blocked him everywhere.

11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Unfortunately, whether it's fair or not his attorney will ask you those same questions as others posted above; if you were too drunk to consent, how were you sober enough to arrange for a taxi, give the correct address, go to the correct house/apartment, do some computer work (I'm curious to know what computer work can be done accurately while drunk, but that's another topic) and then consent to go into his bedroom and lie down on the bed.  Now, it's NOT OK for a man to have sex with you against your will no matter what room you're in or where you're sitting/lying down.  But it looks like you at least consented to all of the above.

If you want to pursue this, you'll need to file a police report.  They probably can't do much about a rape kit if it's been more than 24 hours and you've showered but at least the report will be filed and they will probably question him.

As for "men" doing this, if these are the types of men you've been dating it might be time to take a hard look at the men you're choosing.  I have never dated a man who tried to get me to have sex against my will, so maybe think about what attracts you to these kind of men.  You should be treated with respect.  Give a hard pass to men who show they don't respect you.

Yeah I wouldn't want to go into a court case with this anyways specifically because of the alcohol aspect. The address and everything was already set in the Uber app. The work part I won't be too specific about but being drunk makes it more entertaining and easier to do basically. I only consented to going into his bedroom after I made sure that this was not going to happen by any chance. 

Yes I agree with you, it is not the type of men I have been dating but I have definitely encountered them. I think I have been "too nice" to men before and not calling them off harshly directly, which seems to be extremely necessary. 

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

As for "men" doing this, if these are the types of men you've been dating it might be time to take a hard look at the men you're choosing.  I have never dated a man who tried to get me to have sex against my will, so maybe think about what attracts you to these kind of men

Precisely Bolt. 

Edited by LaHermes
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Rape is the only word we have for a whole spectrum of sexual encounters that don’t yield good feelings afterward and I know it feels weird calling this rape. Especially if he had been drinking too. But sober him knew sober you didn’t want to go there anymore and, like you, hopefully he too learns the lesson that you don’t get in close quarters with someone your better self knows doesn’t want to have sex because once the chemistry kicks in sex is likely to happen (that’s assuming good faith of him, this could also have been a calculated move which would mean he’s high predatory and very not a good person. Either way, you know to steer well clear of him going forward).

I’m sorry you had an encounter like that. Certainly add this knowledge to your data set and make different choices next time but please don’t beat yourself up about this time. Your friend still acted without integrity. A real friend (or actually any decent human being) could have hosted you drunk and not taken it somewhere sexual. 

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On 7/25/2021 at 3:16 PM, ninakov said:

The work is very different and basically being drunk makes it almost easier to do

being drunk makes it more entertaining and easier to do basically.

This is an extremely dysfunctional and unhealthy way to think.

It's very concerning that you see nothing wrong with it.

I'm going to gently suggest that you seek professional help and discuss your alcohol abuse with your therapist and explain how you validate and justify it.

 

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Can I just point out though that she didn't go to the ex's house sober or anything. She was at a party having fun and presumably people were drinking there and she was also drinking. It wasn't like she went on Tinder trying to hook up with random guys or anything. She thought this guy was actually her friend and someone she could trust.

I think it was rape because she did tell him twice that she didn't want to have sex but he started having sex. He knew she was really drunk and that she had also told him she didn't want sex and yet he proceeded to have sex. I think he's more to blame in this situation because she didn't come to his place and drink there not thinking of consequences. She was at a party drinking with friends and he asked her to come over. Most likely thinking he'll get sex because she's really drunk and she'd go along with it. Quite possibly this was his plan right from the start, to take advantage.

I think the fact that he began to act really defensive and point out all the nice things he's done for her and so on means he very well knew what he did was wrong. And he decided to stop talking to her because she was calling him out on it.

Technically this can be reported to the police because she did say no to sex twice but he began having sex, so it was rape. 

OP I think you should take the morning after pill and do STD tests. If that guy had sex with prostitutes before you, you never know what he might have. You should probably get tested just to make sure.

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