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Taking too long to move on


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Hey all.

In March 2020 a relationship I was in ended. It rocked me so bad I took counseling, medication and regularly called support groups etc.

Eventually I got into another relationship which unfortunately ended after 6 months. Since then I've dated one other person.

I know I've always still held feelings for this ex but since we have had no contact since we split  it's kind of become easier as time moves on. I hadn't even seen her around town or anything since we split and then 2 weeks ago she walked past (she didnt happen to see me through pure luck)

Then earlier this week I saw her on a dating site, still looking as stunning as I think she is. Looking happy and looking for a new relationship. It made me feel really strange and kind of reignited the feelings of wanting to see her, talk with her, date her again.

I know I need to be fully over her and with it approaching 18montjs since we split (we were together for the same amount of time) I just don't know why I'm still like this

 

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9 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Why did she break up with you?

Just said she had lost feelings and that spark had gone. Told me she still loved me but was no longer in love with me

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I went back and read what I think it the post where you first wrote about this break up. She called the cops on you for contacting her. Whether that was justified or not on her point, I don't know. But it does tell me that you absolutely must move on. 

Maybe you should go back to counselling. 

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Of course seeing her will bring back feelings but that doesn't mean you are not over her.  What many do not consider when there is a breakup is it isn't just about losing the person from your life but you are also losing hopes and dreams, love, future plans and even part of you had become in the relationship.

Mourning the loss of a relationship needs to be done and usually happens without even knowing it.

I can tell you that seeing her pass by or on a dating site was not some sort of sign that maybe this time it would work. It was just coincidence and nothing more but your imagined mind knows what it really wants so it instantly goes there.  In itself that isn't a bad thing but not recognizing it is bad.

  You have moved on and I bet if you had been in a good relationship when you saw your ex it would have not hit you so hard.  Accept seeing her brought back memories and feelings as they would in anyone that was in love once but don't turn them into something they are not.

You are doing fine as long as you don't dwell on these two encounters and focus on your life and today, not the past.

Lost

Edited by lostandhurt
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8 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Of course seeing her will bring back feelings but that doesn't mean you are not over her. 

8 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

I bet if you had been in a good relationship when you saw your ex it would have not hit you so hard.

True.

 

Edited by Jibralta
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3 hours ago, Rb1980 said:

Hey all.

In March 2020 a relationship I was in ended. It rocked me so bad I took counseling, medication and regularly called support groups etc.

Eventually I got into another relationship which unfortunately ended after 6 months. Since then I've dated one other person.

I know I've always still held feelings for this ex but since we have had no contact since we split  it's kind of become easier as time moves on. I hadn't even seen her around town or anything since we split and then 2 weeks ago she walked past (she didnt happen to see me through pure luck)

Then earlier this week I saw her on a dating site, still looking as stunning as I think she is. Looking happy and looking for a new relationship. It made me feel really strange and kind of reignited the feelings of wanting to see her, talk with her, date her again.

I know I need to be fully over her and with it approaching 18montjs since we split (we were together for the same amount of time) I just don't know why I'm still like this

 

Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this. From what you wrote, it seems like you are just trying to move on, not reconcile. What are your feelings on reconciliation, OP? Why did you two break up? These background details may help us help you. 

In either case, one thing I learned is that there is no "too long" when it comes to healing after a break-up. Even if we do all of the right things -- and of course those things help -- some relationships stick with us for a while. It took me several years to get over my penultimate relationship. If I saw that ex-girlfriend today, I cannot promise that it would not throw me for a loop for a few hours to a day. 

You must allow yourself to feel this. It is okay: it is just something that will happen until it does not anymore. Let yourself feel sad for a bit, dust yourself off, and then get back out there.

Hope this helps.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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Sometimes, when someone has made such an impact on us, it is that much harder to work on accepting & moving on.

As mentioned, maybe consider some more time in counselling, to try & work through all of this.

As for seeing her around... you just have to keep moving ahead.  And you need to do this on your own - not seek companionship 'to try & get over her', or because you don't want to be alone... etc.

We all have memories and we all have feelings.  It can take more time than normal sometimes,.. but I am sure, as more time goes by, you will feel more at ease.

But, you do NOT contact her at all.  You respectfully keep your distance.

Maybe consider getting a journal and write all you'd want to say, in that.  I've done that many times in diff circumstances, to 'get it out'.

 

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It can be a painful reminder of things past when we see an ex after a long time. 

It rocks the boat, but it needn't capsize it altogether. Accept that it was jarring, and it stung, but that it doesn't have to set you back if you don't let it. After the initial sting fades a bit, you will likely feel better again. 

If not, contact your counsellor. 

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How is your life fulfilling besides having a girlfriend? If you have close guy friends you hang out with and a hobby/interest you regularly participate in, breakups won't be as devastating if you have happiness in other parts of your life. If you don't, work on achieving that in your life before dating again. It's too smothering to a woman for her to be the sole reason of your happiness. You'll also be a lot more attractive to a partner when you have a life outside of her, since you will be a well-rounded person and have interesting topics to talk about.

And you do have control over keeping your ex in the past. I'm sure you thoroughly examined her profile and all her pics on the dating site, whereas when you spotted it, you should have quickly clicked off of it.

Good luck in moving forward.

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Sometimes we take a long time to heal because there's a lot of work to be done on ourselves.

It's not that the other person was so great or whatever, it's more about what's been missing inside ourselves.... and the importance we put on them.

Basing our self value on the approval and acceptance of another person is a serious problem with the self.

Do you think you put her on a pedestal? and being with her, made you more acceptable to yourself? And the loss of her makes you not like yourself anymore? 

 

 

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Thanks all.

 

I think I miss her company and our experiences a great deal. We just clicked over so many things and when it was over it really rocked me.

It's knowing that she could share similar experiences with someone else that hurts really. 

 

I'm at a stage mentally where I don't think I'll ever have such a great time in a relationship again.

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10 hours ago, Rb1980 said:

I'm at a stage mentally where I don't think I'll ever have such a great time in a relationship again.

You won't if you continue on this trajectory. Try changing the way you keep framing this one incident. You saw her on a dating app by chance and had some mixed feelings. This is very natural and nothing to fight over or struggle with. It is painful, it is awkward, it is uncomfortable but it is also human.

Once you start reframing the way you think and the less importance you start to place on these hiccups the less of a hold your ex will have on you. She doesn't dictate what you can and cannot do going forward. You move forward on your own terms and leave room for awkward situations or unexpected scenarios like this. Think: You may bend but you do not break. 

Keep your chin up. 

 

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Thanks, i know I'll get over this hump but it's just got me thinking is all.

For example it was never made clear why we were splitting. On the night she ended it she was saying how she wishes she didn't all of a sudden feel this way and how she's never had someone care so much for her. 

 

Yeah we argued like any couple but it just didn't make sense how someone could go from being so in love with me to not wanting to be with me

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On 7/25/2021 at 11:56 PM, Rb1980 said:

Thanks, i know I'll get over this hump but it's just got me thinking is all.

For example it was never made clear why we were splitting. On the night she ended it she was saying how she wishes she didn't all of a sudden feel this way and how she's never had someone care so much for her. 

 

Yeah we argued like any couple but it just didn't make sense how someone could go from being so in love with me to not wanting to be with me

Take everything she said in the day of the breakup with a grain of salt. These are highly emotional moments and generally the other person doesn't want to hurt you further. You'll probably never know exactly why. 

I even talked to my ex months later thinking we would have a clearer headspace and it just added to the confusion. Granted she finally admitted to falling for someone else. Yet I got different answers eveytime we talked. 

Edited by Southwest
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