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1 year and no "I love you", planning to move together. Starting to get real bothered.


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I'm 24f, boyfriend's 29m. We've been talking romantically and been exclusive for a whole year, but since we're long-distance we didn't make things official until last month. Two days into talking we said we liked each other and we say I like you to each other basically every single day since then. Our relationship has been romantic from the very beginning and we just went on vacation together for 2 weeks, where we finally became official and during which I expected him to say the three words. He didn't and he hasn't yet, and it's starting to really hurt. 

I met his family and friends, he's meeting my family in August, and we're planning everything for my move to him starting next year. He is very vocal and emotional, which is why I thought he would say it up to this point, cause I've been feeling such strong emotions and I'm sure that I love him. I haven't said it because I have a feeling he won't take it well. When we became official it was me who asked him, and it took him a few days of pondering until we finally did, saying he was waiting for the "right moment", and that he did want stuff, just "not as fast as I did". But to me a year isn't fast, especially if he wants us to live together. 

It's starting to make me very upset and I don't understand why it's taking him so long to want things with me. It makes me feel like there's something wrong or I'm lacking something for him to be convinced. I think after a year of talking, being romantic, vulnerable, getting to know each other, you can tell if you love a person. If you don't by then, then you probably won't? And somehow he's not there yet.

He is the sweetest guy I've been with. When we're together I can tell how much he cares for me. No one had ever treated me this way, and we connect in such amazing ways. He's told me I'm everything he's ever wanted and a bunch of other things, but he can't get past an "I like you so so much". I was drunk once and texted him that I had been very close to saying the three words. He replied saying "awww, I'm sure once we're together (in person) it can happen pretty fast", which obviously had me expecting them like a fool the past couple weeks. 

The fact that it'll also be me who's making a big move is making me very upset, I don't want to move in with a guy who's not sure of us or me yet, and every time he says I like you I get a bitter feeling. I don't think it's something I should bring up either cause then he'll feel pressured to say it, and I just wish it happened genuinely.

We talked about this earlier in our relationship and he admitted that with his ex he said it around 6 months in. And it hurts that he's not there yet with me after a year. With my ex it took him 10 months, and I even told my current boyfriend this, to which he responded with an "oh, ok yeah, that's a lot".

I don't know what to do. We're not seeing each other till late August, so I don't know if I should just wait to see if it happens then or bring up that it's bothering me.

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I think you should hold off from moving to be with this guy. You’ve not spent nearly enough REAL time together to know whether you really love each other. That is why he can’t say it …. he doesn’t know yet. You even said yourself you are “sure” you love him. That’s not quite the same as knowing without a shadow of doubt you love him. 

Edited by Blue68
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How much time do you two spend together in person, say, each month?

23 minutes ago, Capremm said:

We've been talking romantically and been exclusive for a whole year

I don't know what this means.  What is "talking romantically"?  And how is that different from going on dates?

Just trying to get a more clear picture of your relationship.

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28 minutes ago, Capremm said:

I don't think it's something I should bring up either cause then he'll feel pressured to say it

Why did you begin an LDR? How many times have you physically seen each other? What's been his longest relationship? With what I highlighted, I think it'd be a big mistake to move in with him when you're walking on eggshells, terrified of communicating what's on your mind. You two aren't to that serious point yet, or maybe never will be, when you can't discuss these sorts of things of major importance.

When you feel as though your relationship is built on sea sand instead of concrete, it is. And why are you bringing up who said what in past relationships? It doesn't matter. What matters is what matters to you in the present, so stop playing games of trying to eek out answers by bringing how long it took everybody to say ILY in past relationships.

Who decided it was a good idea to move in with him? Who brought it up first? For one thing, I'd be honest with him and tell him you're not comfortable moving in with him when he hasn't expressed that he loves you, and then listen to his response.

I know that when a friend expressed to me and my bf at the time that her bf never said he loved her after a year and a half. They'd broken up once, because she found that he was still in contact with a few exes. My bf told her, "He hasn't said he loves you because he doesn't." They bought a house together, when we told her she shouldn't since he hadn't said he loved her. She found out that again he contacted exes and she had to buy out the house from him. Just giving one example of one instance where a guy said he didn't love a woman after many years together, and he clearly didn't seeing his behavior.

If you do move his way, I'd advise not moving in with him right away. I'd get my own place and date locally for at least 6 months, because going from hardly ever seeing each other to being together 24/7 will be too much, too soon, and smothering. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

Edited by Andrina
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7 minutes ago, Blue68 said:

You even said yourself you are “sure” you love him. That’s not quite the same as knowing without a shadow of doubt you love him

The word "sure" itself means being certain of something, having no doubt. That's literally the meaning of the word. I am certain I do.

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7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How much time do you two spend together in person, say, each month?

I don't know what this means.  What is "talking romantically"?  And how is that different from going on dates?

Just trying to get a more clear picture of your relationship.

Quoting my own post because there are a couple of unanswered questions in this post.

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6 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Who decided it was a good idea to move in with him? Who brought it up first?

He did. And we both agreed. We like being together, we get along well. 
His longest relationship has been of 2 years. And yeah I will bring it up, I just don't know how to.

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10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

How much time do you two spend together in person, say, each month?

Two weeks. We haven't been able to do more than that because he's with roommates, so I don't think it's OK to overstay. I work remotely so I can go back and forth, he can't. 

 

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

And how is that different from going on dates?

I just meant we were always very straightforward about wanting to be together romantically and long-term, while we figured out how we'd make it work, so we didn't make it official until we had more clarity about how feasible it all was.

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Wait until you know him better and you're married before you move to him.

I've no intention of getting married, not anytime soon. Why would I have to wait to be married to move in with someone?

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OK, I would say two weeks together out of every month for a year is enough time to determine whether or not he at least has adequate feelings of love for you to move in with him.

Since he seems to be coming up with some odd excuses why he hasn't said it, the only conclusion I would be able to come up with (if it were me) is that he hasn't said it because he doesn't feel it.

I would not feel comfortable moving in with someone who does not love me.  I'd wonder why he wants me there if it's not out of love.

And if you're afraid to ask him...well, how does that bode for your relationship?  Fear has no place in a love relationship.

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48 minutes ago, Capremm said:

It makes me feel like there's something wrong..... I think after a year of talking, being romantic, vulnerable, getting to know each other, you can tell if you love a person. If you don't by then, then you probably won't?

Correct.

48 minutes ago, Capremm said:

I don't think it's something I should bring up either cause then he'll feel pressured to say it, and I just wish it happened genuinely.

If you are truly in a loving situation, you would be able to say whatever was on your mind (especially nice things, like I love you) without concerns like this. The two of you would be in tune with each other. These worries of yours are important and you should listen to them. They mean that you are not in the situation that you want to be in, nor are signs pointing in that direction.

48 minutes ago, Capremm said:

it'll also be me who's making a big move.... I don't want to move in with a guy who's not sure of us or me yet

Sounds like a normal, valid concern. I wouldn't move, if I were you.

Edited by Jibralta
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I agree with others.  Don't move in together.  Something about your relationship with him seems very "off."  He still hasn't told you that he loves you which is alarming.  He sounds insincere.  A relationship with him isn't normal. 

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16 minutes ago, Capremm said:

The word "sure" itself means being certain of something, having no doubt. That's literally the meaning of the word. I am certain I do.

My bad. I think it was the way I read it. Like you were questioning it. Nevertheless, I still think you need to think twice about moving to be with this man. A year online is not the same as a year in real life. 

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So basically you have seen each other 2 weeks a month for a year, is that correct?

That is 6 months of seeing a fair amount of each other and it sounds like you stay the night frequently.  Have you been intimate?  If so how long?

The whole "I really like you" is strange to me too.  It is like he is using that as a way to not say I love you.

  Time to sit down with him and talk about this.  I know it will be hard to do but this is a big deal in your life so time to get brave and ask the tough questions.  

"Do you love me?"  If not "Are you falling in love with me?"  If his answer is "I don't know"  "I am not sure" then ask him why.  He should know what is holding him back or at least have a clue.

If he is a commitment phobe you need to know.  If he is simply taking his time so he can say those 3 words with all his heart then he needs to express that to you as well.

Lost

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5 hours ago, Capremm said:

I'm 24f, boyfriend's 29m. We've been talking romantically and been exclusive for a whole year, but since we're long-distance we didn't make things official until last month. Two days into talking we said we liked each other and we say I like you to each other basically every single day since then. Our relationship has been romantic from the very beginning and we just went on vacation together for 2 weeks, where we finally became official and during which I expected him to say the three words. He didn't and he hasn't yet, and it's starting to really hurt. 

I met his family and friends, he's meeting my family in August, and we're planning everything for my move to him starting next year. He is very vocal and emotional, which is why I thought he would say it up to this point, cause I've been feeling such strong emotions and I'm sure that I love him. I haven't said it because I have a feeling he won't take it well. When we became official it was me who asked him, and it took him a few days of pondering until we finally did, saying he was waiting for the "right moment", and that he did want stuff, just "not as fast as I did". But to me a year isn't fast, especially if he wants us to live together. 

It's starting to make me very upset and I don't understand why it's taking him so long to want things with me. It makes me feel like there's something wrong or I'm lacking something for him to be convinced. I think after a year of talking, being romantic, vulnerable, getting to know each other, you can tell if you love a person. If you don't by then, then you probably won't? And somehow he's not there yet.

He is the sweetest guy I've been with. When we're together I can tell how much he cares for me. No one had ever treated me this way, and we connect in such amazing ways. He's told me I'm everything he's ever wanted and a bunch of other things, but he can't get past an "I like you so so much". I was drunk once and texted him that I had been very close to saying the three words. He replied saying "awww, I'm sure once we're together (in person) it can happen pretty fast", which obviously had me expecting them like a fool the past couple weeks. 

The fact that it'll also be me who's making a big move is making me very upset, I don't want to move in with a guy who's not sure of us or me yet, and every time he says I like you I get a bitter feeling. I don't think it's something I should bring up either cause then he'll feel pressured to say it, and I just wish it happened genuinely.

We talked about this earlier in our relationship and he admitted that with his ex he said it around 6 months in. And it hurts that he's not there yet with me after a year. With my ex it took him 10 months, and I even told my current boyfriend this, to which he responded with an "oh, ok yeah, that's a lot".

I don't know what to do. We're not seeing each other till late August, so I don't know if I should just wait to see if it happens then or bring up that it's bothering me.

Hey, OP. Why don't you tell him you love him next time you are in person?

You say you think he will not react well, but you have very little on which to base that (your sole justification is the amount of time you have been together). 

Some facts point to the opposite conclusion. He said when you are in person, it will probably happen pretty fast. It sounds like you guys do not spend a ton of time in person, so he has not found the right moment.

However, I do not know why you have to suppress your feelings and wait on the guy. It is 2021. Feminism and all that jazz. You are not helpless and you do not need to hide your feelings and then grow resentful. Take the initiative.

The worst that happens is he doesn't say it back, and then you can go from there. But he will probably say it back. 

Important anecdotes for you, OP. In my (I am 26 M) last two relationships, my then girlfriends said I love you first. It was very sweet and my heart melted. I said it right back.

--

Hope this helps. 

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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Speaking only for myself, there is no way that I would uproot my life to move in--long distance--with anyone who isn't crazy in love with me and has no reservations about telling me so.

Unless there's some way of closing the distance without moving in together in order to see how well you can date and see one another over a normal course of living, I'd skip him, and I'd start dating guys locally.

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Do you know if he loves you? 

If you know, it doesn't matter whether he says it or not. It's a lot of emphasis on words. Move if you want to move, say whatever you need to say but don't expect it in return. You're bogged down by so many idealisms, social norms (why on earth does he have to say it first?) and expectations and it is so terribly heavy and burdensome.

Most of all, pay attention to your instincts. If you think he's hung up about the past and still scared or terrified about his ex-issues, dump him! You don't take that on for anyone. I hope you find a solution that works for you but please always trust your instincts.

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7 hours ago, Capremm said:

we're planning everything for my move to him starting next year. He is very vocal and emotional, which is why I thought he would say it up to this point, cause I've been feeling such strong emotions and I'm sure that I love him. I haven't said it because I have a feeling he won't take it well.

If you are planning a move to him- why would you think he wouldn't take that you 'love' him well?

 

7 hours ago, Capremm said:

It's starting to make me very upset and I don't understand why it's taking him so long to want things with me.

Possibly because you two have been mostly long distance?  So, has been harder for him to 'feel' a real connection.

I am not sure IF you two even know for sure, IF you are truly compatible at this time?

 

7 hours ago, Capremm said:

I was drunk once and texted him that I had been very close to saying the three words. He replied saying "awww, I'm sure once we're together (in person) it can happen pretty fast", which obviously had me expecting them like a fool the past couple weeks. 

So you needed to be drunk in order to even say that much? 😕 .. After a year involved?  Wow... why are YOU holding off?

 

I really think you should hold off moving to him.. 

 

IF you are truly bothered by not hearing him admit this to you, then you think it needs to be discussed now?

A couple needs to communicate.

And ask him to be truly honest with you.. ie.  Does he feel enough - after a year together.

Or, does he really not feel that much yet.  Because, IMO, If he doesn't feel it by now, he never will. 😕 

 

Edited by SooSad33
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He hasn't said it because he doesn't feel it yet. 

That much seems pretty clear to me. You have been exclusive for a year, but not official until last month - and it was you who brought it up, and he needed a few days to think about it. Have I got that right? 

Why did it take a nearly a whole year to become official, OP? I get that you are long-distance but if I understand correclty, you have actually spent ample time together in that year. He seems really unsure about your relaitonship in general, I am sorry to say. 

I personally would not move in with him at this point. Your relaitonship does not have the foundation that I would personally need to feel confident in that choice, especially if I were the one making that move.  For me, it would be backwards to move in and then hope he can tell you he loves you. That would make me feel like it's a move of logisitical convenience rather than a sign of  increased commitment for him. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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Speaking from present experience - it doesn’t have to be said in words (in my opinion), but you do definitely have to be able to recognise that your partner does love you before making such big commitments, such as moving cross country to be with him, otherwise your relationship and life will be completely out of balance, as mine is. 

I agree with the previous posters - hold off on moving to him until you can clarify - through a mature and candid conversation - where his feelings and long-term intentions lie. You need to be able to be honest with him about your concerns, etc. If you can’t, then you have no relationship anyway.

Edited by LotusBlack
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12 hours ago, Capremm said:

 The fact that it'll also be me who's making a big move is making me very upset, I don't want to move in with a guy who's not sure of us or me yet, and every time he says I like you I get a bitter feeling.

Unfortunately you are overinvolved and overinvested.

If you are hurting now, you'll really be hurting when you rush forward to live with someone who doesn't love you, won't make a commitment and isn't prepared to live together.

He's not a good guy. He expects you to take all the risks. For what?  "I like you"?

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