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Expressing interest in someone long distance


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A little background: during the whole pandemic I ended up meeting someone through a bunch of church zoom calls last year that I got to know through text and phone calls.  I'll finally get to meet her in person soon at a church convention and I am not sure how to approach the situation.  I really like her and I want to get to know her on a higher level.  I know we haven't met in person yet so it may be a little premature but I want to let her know that my intention to meeting her is to see if there is mutual interest.  I tried testing the waters by messaging her that I was looking forward to finally meeting her and she replied by saying that she's looking forward to seeing everyone.  Not the reply I was looking for haha.

How do I tell her what my intentions are for meeting her?  Should I wait until after meeting her in person to express interest?  Maybe she wants to keep her options open for her to meet someone else there?  Maybe I should be bold and take a chance and tell her that I like her and kinda treat the meetings as getting to know each other more.  I was also thinking that if I ask her and she says no or is hesitating after expressing my interest then it gives me the green light to talk to other girls there and not worry about being a "player".

 

Thoughts?

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4 minutes ago, BrokenGator said:

I tried testing the waters by messaging her that I was looking forward to finally meeting her and she replied by saying that she's looking forward to seeing everyone. 

Play it by ear when you are in person. talk to everyone there anyway. Don't confess feelings or make it awkward for both of you. 

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55 minutes ago, BrokenGator said:

tell her that I like her

That's junior high behavior. You don't say those things before you've even been on a date. Asking someone to join you for coffee or whatever type of outing, is showing an interest versus telling, and more adult-like.

If you mean that you're all long distance and can only see each other at a convention, I wouldn't even bother thinking of her as dating material. Starting a long distance relationship is high risk when you haven't begun locally. Too many cons to LDRs.

Otherwise, don't say anything and see if you two share chemistry in person. Are you the type who can read a woman's interest, or are you oblivious to signals or lack of them? Have you had any success dating locally? What's your dating history? How old are you and what is your goal for a relationship? Short term or long term?

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7 minutes ago, Andrina said:

That's junior high behavior. You don't say those things before you've even been on a date. Asking someone to join you for coffee or whatever type of outing, is showing an interest versus telling, and more adult-like.

If you mean that you're all long distance and can only see each other at a convention, I wouldn't even bother thinking of her as dating material. Starting a long distance relationship is high risk when you haven't begun locally. Too many cons to LDRs.

Otherwise, don't say anything and see if you two share chemistry in person. Are you the type who can read a woman's interest, or are you oblivious to signals or lack of them? Have you had any success dating locally? What's your dating history? How old are you and what is your goal for a relationship? Short term or long term?

The convention would be the first time meeting but since things are much more open now, it wouldn't be an issue visiting each other more.  

So it makes more sense to meet first and see where it goes.  I think I can read someone's level of interest.  If I decide that I like her after meeting her then I will be more transparent with my intentions, especially since it would be a LDR.  I am interested in getting married.

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You need to see if you are still interested after you meet her too, OP. 

Strike up a friendly conversation when you meet her. Don't go telling her you like her. That's too much. See how you get along in person and try to assess whether there might be more there to work with. 

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6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You need to see if you are still interested after you meet her too, OP. 

Strike up a friendly conversation when you meet her. Don't go telling her you like her. That's too much. See how you get along in person and try to assess whether there might be more there to work with. 

Yes I'm starting to realize that I should meet her first.  I already told her that I'm looking forward to meeting her... So she knows.  I don't want to scare her either.

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You're just going to hang out with a woman at your church convention. Talk to her, get to know her, show interest in who she is and what she does, have a great time and see if you guys connect in person. If you feel you click, ask her out for coffee / tea.

One step at a time. 🙂

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Take it slowly... meet her first.

No need to rush into this.  You can meet her then see IF you feel a 'good vibe'.. See if she shows you a little more than average attention as well.

So, no expectations when you all meet.

 

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1 hour ago, greendots said:

You're just going to hang out with a woman at your church convention. Talk to her, get to know her, show interest in who she is and what she does, have a great time and see if you guys connect in person. If you feel you click, ask her out for coffee / tea.

One step at a time. 🙂

I already know a lot about her from all the conversations we had.  But yes, no reason to rush.  I think telling her I'm interested after meet her has more "weight" to it.

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Please do not tell her your feelings. Ask her out on a date instead as mentioned above. I hope the meeting goes well and have fun. 

A date at the church convention?  I'll try to pull that off, may be a bit difficult.  Thank you!

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36 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Take it slowly... meet her first.

No need to rush into this.  You can meet her then see IF you feel a 'good vibe'.. See if she shows you a little more than average attention as well.

So, no expectations when you all meet.

 

Yeah I agree.  I might also meet other girls there.  And if she's not interested I'll have other options.

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Don't assume people are blind to your behavior, even in a big crowd. People talk. People have eyes. If you begin telling her you're interested and she rejects wanting to start something with you, and then you jump to flirting with someone else there, the women are going to be turned off that you're merely using this convention opportunity to chase anyone who will take the bait. A woman likes to feel like that special someone who happened to catch your eye, and not second fiddle because number 1 rejected you.

Why are you seeking out the hardest way to date--women who live a distance from you? Dating locally is the best way to go unless you live in such a small community that the pickings are slim.

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23 hours ago, BrokenGator said:

Yeah I agree.  I might also meet other girls there.  And if she's not interested I'll have other options.

Is it the norm for socials like this to be a place where young couples can potentially meet or for singles to meet each other? At a previous church I went to (pre-Covid) I know there were gatherings for young parishioners to meet other singles and it was ok to talk to different people with the intent to meet to date. If it's acceptable, that should be ok but if it's not the norm, I'd avoid doing this or assuming that others are there with an open mind for romance, so to speak. 

Good luck either way and have fun.

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2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Is it the norm for socials like this to be a place where young couples can potentially meet or for singles to meet each other? At a previous church I went to (pre-Covid) I know there were gatherings for young parishioners to meet other singles and it was ok to talk to different people with the intent to meet to date. If it's acceptable, that should be ok but if it's not the norm, I'd avoid doing this or assuming that others are there with an open mind for romance, so to speak. 

Good luck either way and have fun.

Yes, practically everyone going will be single and people use the opportunity to meet and date.

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I agree with everyone else that you should probably just get to know her in person first. I think it would be too much if you told her you like her straight away. Do you think after the convention there might be an opportunity to invite her to hang out longer and have a coffee or dinner together? Keep in mind also that maybe she just wants to be friends and she may not be interested romantically. So it's probably best to act more casual about it and just have some normal conventions and see what the connection is like in person.

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Don't tell her what your intentions are.  I agree with others.  Get to know her first and observe what type of human being she is and she should do the same by observing your character as well.   Both of you shouldn't go in "keeping your options open" because that's a negative thought from the very beginning.  Stop predicting what you do not know.  Don't tell her that you like her without getting to know her first.  You're moving too fast without having any facts about her personality, character, whether both of you mesh or not, whether both of you are compatible and the whole lot.  Slow down for heaven's sake! 

She'll perceive you as not being a player if you don't act like one.  Just behave naturally, remain kind, polite, well mannered, gentlemanly, gracious and thoughtful.  Have a good time, enjoy engaging in good conversation, be a good listener and always possess "emotional intelligence."  (Google "emotional intelligence.") 

There is no green nor red light.  Take it one step at a time and time, positive or negative energy and dynamics will dictate the trajectory of this relationship.  Or, who knows?  Perhaps it wasn't meant to be.  Or, it could endure.  At any rate, give it a chance and see where it takes you. 

Don't overthink otherwise you'll scare her away.  Don't overthink nor act weird otherwise you'll be perceived as insecure and strange; neither which are good. 

Relax and have a pleasant time.

Also, keep in mind that LDRs (long distance relationships) tend to obviously become inconvenient, expensive to travel back 'n forth, you can't be together frequently and absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder.  To the contrary, too much absence causes two people to drift apart eventually.  Remain realistic.  It's better to date locally for obvious reasons.

 

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What was the nature of the texts and phone calls you shared with this woman? Were they mostly church related or personal exchanges? If they were mostly about church and she didn’t express excitement about meeting you, specifically, in person, I would be very cautious about revealing your intentions. You’ll likely make her uncomfortable and lead her to avoid you. I noticed a lot of men attending all sorts of events, talking to friendly women about the topic at hand and getting romantic ideas. It’s put me off attending meetups and other gatherings because a bunch of men kept asking me out, when I was just interested in the group activity. Now I only attend women-only events, to avoid this. This woman may not be into you or even into dating, which is totally fine, and should be respected. Be friendly and polite but if you sense she’s not interested in you, move on.

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Do not immediately tell her that you like her, and definitely do not mention marriage. You haven't met her in person, so you should also temper your expectations. Knowing her in person is a whole different thing as chatting online, so take it slow, show interest but don't come on too strong.

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On 7/27/2021 at 9:06 AM, Tinydance said:

I agree with everyone else that you should probably just get to know her in person first. I think it would be too much if you told her you like her straight away. Do you think after the convention there might be an opportunity to invite her to hang out longer and have a coffee or dinner together? Keep in mind also that maybe she just wants to be friends and she may not be interested romantically. So it's probably best to act more casual about it and just have some normal conventions and see what the connection is like in person.

Yes these should be opportunity to have coffee or to at least talk one on one.  I will eventually shoot my shot after meeting her in person and taking to her more to know my answer so I could proceed either way.

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On 7/28/2021 at 6:16 PM, Cherylyn said:

Don't tell her what your intentions are.  I agree with others.  Get to know her first and observe what type of human being she is and she should do the same by observing your character as well.   Both of you shouldn't go in "keeping your options open" because that's a negative thought from the very beginning.  Stop predicting what you do not know.  Don't tell her that you like her without getting to know her first.  You're moving too fast without having any facts about her personality, character, whether both of you mesh or not, whether both of you are compatible and the whole lot.  Slow down for heaven's sake! 

She'll perceive you as not being a player if you don't act like one.  Just behave naturally, remain kind, polite, well mannered, gentlemanly, gracious and thoughtful.  Have a good time, enjoy engaging in good conversation, be a good listener and always possess "emotional intelligence."  (Google "emotional intelligence.") 

There is no green nor red light.  Take it one step at a time and time, positive or negative energy and dynamics will dictate the trajectory of this relationship.  Or, who knows?  Perhaps it wasn't meant to be.  Or, it could endure.  At any rate, give it a chance and see where it takes you. 

Don't overthink otherwise you'll scare her away.  Don't overthink nor act weird otherwise you'll be perceived as insecure and strange; neither which are good. 

Relax and have a pleasant time.

Also, keep in mind that LDRs (long distance relationships) tend to obviously become inconvenient, expensive to travel back 'n forth, you can't be together frequently and absence doesn't always make the heart grow fonder.  To the contrary, too much absence causes two people to drift apart eventually.  Remain realistic.  It's better to date locally for obvious reasons.

 

Yes I agree with all of this.  Let's see how it goes.  Maybe I'll meet someone else if she's not interested.

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On 7/29/2021 at 12:40 PM, Unsure2021 said:

What was the nature of the texts and phone calls you shared with this woman? Were they mostly church related or personal exchanges? If they were mostly about church and she didn’t express excitement about meeting you, specifically, in person, I would be very cautious about revealing your intentions. You’ll likely make her uncomfortable and lead her to avoid you. I noticed a lot of men attending all sorts of events, talking to friendly women about the topic at hand and getting romantic ideas. It’s put me off attending meetups and other gatherings because a bunch of men kept asking me out, when I was just interested in the group activity. Now I only attend women-only events, to avoid this. This woman may not be into you or even into dating, which is totally fine, and should be respected. Be friendly and polite but if you sense she’s not interested in you, move on.

They were mostly and reach other's lives.  Very little church related conversation.  More like getting to know you conversations.

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