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Taking a break


Tasha
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Hi everyone,

Two months ago I met this guy on tinder, and we hit it off really well. I am working abroad for the season and he lives here. We both still had some issues, I was still in love with a guy that rejected me and he was still not over his ex that dumped him overnight 1,5 year ago. So we decided to keep it casual. 

These two months have been wonderful. I spend all my free time with him and also went on a few trips together through the country. If we hadn't met under these circumstances I would have definitely fallen in love with him. 

This week he sends me a text saying that he doesn't want to sleep together anymore and wants to go back to being platonic friends. His reason is that I remind him to much of his ex, I am also from the same country that she is, I work for the same company as she did and we both met eachother on tinder.

I have a hard time dealing with this. It feels unfair. I really want to have a relationship with someone special to me. I know that in my current situation it hard to find a stable relationship, so I was pretty happy with our set up. I've also always thought if I really would fall for someone, I wouldn't have any problem settling there and learning the local language. This is something that he knows aswell.

Right now I really don't want to go back to being friends. We argued about this a lot in the last few days. We both decided to take a break from eachother. He is going away for one month. 

I am a bit lost on what to do. I was too busy dealing with the rejection of the other guy to realize that I like this one way more than I expected. I am really wondering if I should move on with my life or see what happens after he gets back. I wouldn't mind having an actual relationship with him. 

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I'm sorry honey. You were his rebound. It worked for a while, then he figured out he needs to stop. He clearly is not over his ex.

The question is, why are you hanging on to a man that still thinks and loves/has not moved on from another woman? Yes, he's special. But that's not enough. A partner should be able to give you back all his attention and be able to be emotionally involved. He's not.

So I suggest you give him his space and focus on you. Who knows, maybe in a few months he'll reach out. But for now, better let him process his break up.

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2 hours ago, Tasha said:

. He is going away for one month.

Sorry this happened but you were clear you wanted only FWB.

He was clear that he's not ready for anything.

He wants to be free again to play the field. Don't be "friends"

Tinder is not a friendship app, it's a hook-up app.

Just free yourself from this. Delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

It's easy to find someone on tinder for casual dating..

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2 hours ago, Tasha said:

I am really wondering if I should move on with my life or see what happens after he gets back. I wouldn't mind having an actual relationship with him. 

He would mind. He wants friendship aka somebody to fall back if all other options fail. Heck he probably has other options right now, that is why he broke up so abruptly with stupid reason. You need to be better then that. You dont want friendship, and you shouldnt settle for playing second feedle to somebody until he decides if he wants you back or not. So, cut that through alltogether.

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5 hours ago, Tasha said:

I wouldn't mind having an actual relationship with him. 

This is very unlikely to happen, I have to say.

Let's say you two reunited. I can nearly guarantee you would start worry that he is always comparing you to his ex, that he still thinks about her when he's with you, that he might suddenly find it too much again, and so on. It's nearly impossible that this recent "split" would not affect a future reconciliation. The damage is done. 

5 hours ago, Tasha said:

It feels unfair.

Yes, I can understand that feeling. But who we fall for (or not) has nothing to do with fairness. Just as you can't help but want to date him, he can't help the way he's feeling either. 

5 hours ago, Tasha said:

His reason is that I remind him to much of his ex,

And keep in mind, this might not even be the real reason he's ending it. He might have decided to become exclusive with someone else and doesn't have the stones to tell you that. So he gives you this excuse because most women would not want anything to do with a guy who tells she is just like his ex - and so he can wash his hands of it without getting too much guff from you. 

It hurts, but this isn't your guy. I would not wait for him. 

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6 hours ago, Tasha said:

I have a hard time dealing with this. It feels unfair. I really want to have a relationship with someone special to me. I know that in my current situation it hard to find a stable relationship,

You need to remember, you are BOTH dealing with BU's, correct?  So, just how stable are you, yourself at this time?

Plus, you are only over there a short time..yes?

So, is maybe at least 2 reason's you should NOT be getting involved with anyone at this time?

No, don't wait on his return.  He has already told you he can't do this.

You respect his decision and leave all alone now - and no, don't agree to remain on a 'friendship' basis.  Is far from easy when you want more than that! 😕 .

I suggest you remain as you are... single, to deal with all that has happened with you emotionally in the past while, do your job and focus on healing.

 

 

 

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On 7/24/2021 at 12:08 AM, Tasha said:

I have a hard time dealing with this. It feels unfair.  I really want to have a relationship with someone special to me. I know that in my current situation it hard to find a stable relationship, so I was pretty happy with our set up. I've also always thought if I really would fall for someone, I wouldn't have any problem settling there and learning the local language. This is something that he knows aswell.

Was the previous man who rejected you also emotionally unavailable? You may be repeating patterns. He hasn't left you much of a choice because you remind him too much of his ex. I think you have to really believe this and take his word for it because it sounds extremely uncomfortable as all heck. You both tried each other for rebounds and the transition period expired. It was temporary. This only ended much sooner than you anticipated and is probably very jolting for you. 

Meeting him in this country also allowed you to live out an extended vacation of sorts despite working and it cushioned the blow of really processing the previous rejection from the first guy. This man lives here so while you are coming in on a work visa, his life is firmly rooted here and the reality of the rebound situation has hit him a lot faster than it has you. It can't last forever.

What's stopping you from settling in this country and learning the local language? You don't need a man for that. Do it on your own terms. 

 

 

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Obviously he has met someone, so that part he's just moving on. Your agreement was casual, and it was. He did the decent thing and broke it off instead of ghosting or whatever. I think you have an expectation issue...you will take anything, and hope it will turn into something. You invested when you shouldn't have. Was it unfair? Only to yourself. Casual mean no obligation or promise of a future. Next time stay away from "casual" or any guy that says "I'm not ready for anything serious"

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