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I showed up to his house announced and he dumped me


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17 hours? You must really be timing it because most people would say "the next day" or "he only gets back to me in the evenings"  17 hours is pretty darn good for someone who has kids.  I do not blame him for not introducing you to his kids, especially if they are small unless you get to the point where he is really serious about you and thinking about getting engaged and then integrate you with the kids before he does -- because little kids attach quickly.

I think if he was pulling away - just showing up at his house possibly knowing its his day with his kids probably was the last straw.  I had an ex relative that used to do that - if i said no to something, she would show up where i was with someone who could "witness" my no so she could prove i was stupid/wrong/try to get the other person to change my mind.

I am not saying he is perfect, but texting everyday hardly is disappearing -- relationships move slower when there are children and if the texting is just to arrange the next date vs constant back and forth all day - that sounds normal.

 

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10 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

17 hours is pretty darn good for someone who has kids.  I do not blame him for not introducing you to his kids

I think if he was pulling away - just showing up at his house possibly knowing its his day with his kids probably was the last straw. 

Agree. While some things were red flags some were responsible parenting, including driving off when you grabbed his door handle. You could have had a gun, whatever. 

It was not hiding some women in the car, trunk, whatever.

He was protecting himself and his kids from a women who appeared angry and grabbed the door handle to open it and confront him.

If he wanted to talk to you he would have gotten out of the car.

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I wonder if he's married or living with a woman since you aren't supposed to go to his house and havent met his kids.

I think he viewed you as too pushy and definitely nervy for showing up at his house.

All in all you are better off to move on from this guy.  Something is wrong somewhere, there's a lot of possibilities.

 

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I have to agree with @Wiseman2on the car situation. If someone I knew was upset with me showed up unannounced at my home and then tried to get into my car uninvited I would be concerned, particularly if my child was in the car.  My first priority would be to protect my child, whether it's physically or from witnessing an argument or emotional scene.

That being said, this relationship was way past time to end it. Neither of you was happy.

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I do not like people showing up unannounced and never have.  At all.  But since I have nothing to hide the typical reaction of someone like me is to simply tell the person I am not available or ignore.  His reaction form my perspective is clearly something to hide. And your action in putting your hand on his car door was inappropriate.  

He certainly reacted impulsively but I have too when someone has gotten into my space.  Especially if I am with my child.  I am mama bear and no one gets in my child’s space in an inappropriate way and that’s my definition.  I don’t care what the other person thinks.  I’ve screamed and shouted but never anything physical.  It doesn’t matter if you didn’t know about his child.

 That’s his vehicle and he freaked out.  I can relate.  I think it’s been over for awhile and that sounds  like a good thing. I don’t think he was exclusively seeing you. 

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37 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

And your action in putting your hand on his car door was inappropriate.  

I think that if you've been in a relationship with someone for a year, they should be allowed to touch your door. And if you're afraid they could harm your children, why have you been seeing them for a year?

He's a lunatic either way.

Edited by Jibralta
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OP... please dont give this a second thought. I see two things from what you said. 1. He was keeping you at arms length for a reason. And it could very well be that he has another GF living with him or he is seeing other people and wanted you away from the house. Maybe he was expecting another girl to show up and he didnt want to explain to her who you were. In other words.. he kept you at a distance because he was hiding a lot from you. Which leads to #2. He slowly sabotaged the relationship. Maybe he wanted to be with you and he did the bare minimum to keep you because he knew that if he paid attention to you and said "Im sorry it was because (Insert lame excuse here)" You would accept it and he could go back to do what he was doing. But when you came over, that option went away so he looked for any reason to break it off with you, made it seem like YOU were the bad person and broke it off with you when his behavior drove you to do that action. 

He was not completely emotionally available to you. I am willing to bet he probably has another love life he is hiding from you. But please.. dont think it was your fault because it wasnt. It takes two to make a relationship work and he was sabotaging it or just doing the minimum. 

I can tell you this because I have done it in the past. You keep a side hustle on the side, when she gets mad about the lack of communication all you do was just water the plant enough to keep it alive. He had no problems going to your place, but he has a problem with you going to his. That is a one way relationship. 

What I would do is change the locks. No use in asking for the key because he can just copy it before giving it back to you. So please change out the locks. And then you just purge him from your life. He is not the one for you. someone else is. 

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7 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

 

Yeah - ALL of this is Red Flags.  He has shown you NO real interest or respect.  You have accepted this for way too long 😕 .

 

And WHY are you continously appologizing to him?  Because you were trying to reach out/ get him to deal with you somehow?

What do you do?  it's done.  You respectfully walk away, leave him be.

 

i constantly apologized because maybe i was wrong and i just wasn’t seeing it. my intentions is never to hurt anyone and when someone is treating me a certain way, i try to see what part i might’ve played to get that type of treatment.

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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I do not like people showing up unannounced and never have.  At all.  But since I have nothing to hide the typical reaction of someone like me is to simply tell the person I am not available or ignore.  His reaction form my perspective is clearly something to hide. And your action in putting your hand on his car door was inappropriate.  

He certainly reacted impulsively but I have too when someone has gotten into my space.  Especially if I am with my child.  I am mama bear and no one gets in my child’s space in an inappropriate way and that’s my definition.  I don’t care what the other person thinks.  I’ve screamed and shouted but never anything physical.  It doesn’t matter if you didn’t know about his child.

 That’s his vehicle and he freaked out.  I can relate.  I think it’s been over for awhile and that sounds  like a good thing. I don’t think he was exclusively seeing you. 

you are forgetting and ignoring the fact that he drove his car up to me, I was not in his drive way, i was on the side of the road and he drove to me and stopped so of course i assumed that he wanted me to get in so we can talk. Why would he drive up to me and literally park his car next to me knowing that he has he’s child in the car?  I have stated numerous times that i literally just tried to open the door just once because i assumed that he unlocked it for me, i thought that he came to where i was to talk and the moment i touched that handle he drove off. I did not know there was a child in the car, i was not violent or aggressive, all this happened within seconds. i am done explaining the same thing,thank you to those who actually read my thread and understood that him basically doing what he did was abuse. 

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CBC I read every word you wrote.  I think he's hiding something from you and he didnt like you touching his car door handle.  There could have been more than a sleeping kid in the car.

He's up to something, you may never know what it is.  I hope you come to realize you are better off without him.

 

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5 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I think that if you've been in a relationship with someone for a year, they should be allowed to touch your door.

I agree. 

It was his girlfriend, for Pete's sake. Not some random hysterical woman. It is not crazy for her to assume it was okay to open her own boyfriend's car door when he drove right up to her. Please. I am quite sure most people would have done what she did in that moment, thinking "Okay, great, he's here and we can finally talk" and made a move to open the door. It was a pretty logical chain of action there. 

For him to act like this was some cause for major alarm and he needed to protect his kid by speeding away is over the top. 

 

Edited by MissCanuck
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3 hours ago, CBC2000 said:

 so of course i assumed that he wanted me to get in so we can talk.  because i assumed that he unlocked it for me. 

Seems like you assumed a lot when there was no communication beforehand about meeting in person to talk.

Did you text him that you would be coming to his house? Or was it more of an ambush because a few hours went by without a text?

Frankly without prior communication that you are coming to someone's house or wish to set up a time to talk, sounds like a confrontation.

 

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If nothing else you two have definitely learned you’re incompatible. It’s not unreasonable for you to want your significant other to acknowledge you. This guy wasn’t doing that, you can do better but don’t expect him to spontaneously combust into someone who can match your level of interest. 

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9 hours ago, CBC2000 said:

my intentions is never to hurt anyone and when someone is treating me a certain way, i try to see what part i might’ve played to get that type of treatment.

I don't doubt that. Why do you doubt yourself? Why do you spend a second of your time with anyone who refuses to acknowledge that you're a decent human being?

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14 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I think that if you've been in a relationship with someone for a year, they should be allowed to touch your door. And if you're afraid they could harm your children, why have you been seeing them for a year?

He's a lunatic either way.

Not in that particular situation - what she did by grabbing the door handle and her confrontational behavior prior to that -but what led up to it shows this should have been over way before  escalated to this. I think he overreacted by driving away but in that situation what led up to her grabbing the door handle understandably seemed scary to him. He overreacted because he has something to hide. 

Edited by Batya33
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I wouldn't have tried to get in.  I would have walked over to the driver's side of the car and tried to speak to him.

Yes, driving off was an overreaction.  But it's not like they'd been having a pleasant conversation beforehand.  OP had been overreacting by sending text after text and calling repeatedly.  I mean, with phone technology these days I'm sure it's safe to assume he received the messages and calls and was choosing not to respond.  Showing up unannounced after that was a poor decision.

No one acted great here.  But again, the whole event illustrated clearly that this man is not the right one for you, OP.   And I'm glad you chose to finally leave the relationship.  That is the right decision.

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10 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

CBC I read every word you wrote.  I think he's hiding something from you and he didnt like you touching his car door handle.  There could have been more than a sleeping kid in the car.

He's up to something, you may never know what it is.  I hope you come to realize you are better off without him.

 

thank you, the more that i think about it the more i realize that he is hiding something. After all that happened that night we were on the phone while he was still in his car and the way he was talking did not seem like he was alarmed that he had a kid in the car. i have taken steps to remove myself from the situation.

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55 minutes ago, CBC2000 said:

thank you, the more that i think about it the more i realize that he is hiding something. After all that happened that night we were on the phone while he was still in his car and the way he was talking did not seem like he was alarmed that he had a kid in the car. i have taken steps to remove myself from the situation.

I’m glad. I’d use a go between to get any stuff back you must have and have absolutely no texts with him out of an abundance of caution. 

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2 hours ago, CBC2000 said:

we were on the phone while he was still in his car and the way he was talking did not seem like he was alarmed that he had a kid in the car.

I don't think he was scared, either. He knows you. He knows you're not a threat to his safety or his children's safety. Something else was going on there. 

2 hours ago, CBC2000 said:

i have taken steps to remove myself from the situation.

 This is best. He is not the man you thought he was. 

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2 hours ago, CBC2000 said:

thank you, the more that i think about it the more i realize that he is hiding something. After all that happened that night we were on the phone while he was still in his car and the way he was talking did not seem like he was alarmed that he had a kid in the car. i have taken steps to remove myself from the situation.

Good!  I think there may have been yet another person in the back seat that you could not see.

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43 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't think he was scared, either. He knows you. He knows you're not a threat to his safety or his children's safety. Something else was going on there. 

 This is best. He is not the man you thought he was. 

i highly doubt that he was scared either to be honest. thank you so much @MissCanuck for being so supportive 

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Seems like he is hiding something. I wouldn’t worry soo much about showing up unannounced.

 I once dated a Russian foreign exchange student from Moscow 🇷🇺  and she showed up unexpectedly at like 4:00 am during a snowstorm. I knew it was because she thought another girl was over which wasn’t true but she just said “I was thinking of you and wanted to visit can I come in?” ...I thought she was cute and liked the accent so I was happy at the time.. 

This guy is hiding something. What he did was not normal so good thing you realized this now 

 

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13 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Seems like you assumed a lot when there was no communication beforehand about meeting in person to talk.

Did you text him that you would be coming to his house? Or was it more of an ambush because a few hours went by without a text?

Frankly without prior communication that you are coming to someone's house or wish to set up a time to talk, sounds like a confrontation.

 

i actually did text to let him know that i’m coming by his house and if he could please come outside. He just did not text back 

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1 hour ago, mical said:

Seems like he is hiding something. I wouldn’t worry soo much about showing up unannounced.

 I once dated a Russian foreign exchange student from Moscow 🇷🇺  and she showed up unexpectedly at like 4:00 am during a snowstorm. I knew it was because she thought another girl was over which wasn’t true but she just said “I was thinking of you and wanted to visit can I come in?” ...I thought she was cute and liked the accent so I was happy at the time.. 

This guy is hiding something. What he did was not normal so good thing you realized this now 

 

exactly, he has shown up to my house numerous times without saying a word to me, i would just be sitting on my couch sometimes and here him unlocking the door . Some times he would be at my place when i’m not there and without asking for my persimmons. I would just be texting him and ask him what he was up to and he would tell me that he’s at my place, but it was never an issue for me because i didn’t have anything to hide. for me to be just outside, i did not go knock on his door or anything and for him to do what he did was un called for 

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