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Just fun or cheating?


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I have been in a relationship for 9 years and my partner went to our family holiday home at the weekend with a mate to put insulation under the floor. I stayed at home as it was bloke stuff but I saw that my partner was messaging a woman asking when they were coming. He also asked for another woman’s phone number so his mate could ring this woman’s friend. There was really bad weather in the region which became a civil emergency and the roads to the holiday home had slips and were closed so the woman said they couldn’t get there. My partner suggested they hire a boat or row there, now that part is funny, in the pouring rain at night! 
 

I challenged my partner and he mostly denied anything was going on and that they were just having fun. This isn’t the first time he has suggested that a female might like to go to the holiday home he also thinks it’s appropriate to put a blow kiss emoji when messaging a single/divorcie female or asking a married woman he knew from a past job if she would like to have a drink with him on his way to the holiday home, again he thought there was nothing wrong with that because she wasn’t a stranger and she was married but her response was “sorry, no thanks” which to me clearly showed she didn’t appreciate the invite.

I have had countless conversations with him telling him his actions are inappropriate, hurtful and making me have major trust issues with him. I want to know should I not be feeling this way is it me who has the problem or is it him? I have no issue with him expressing emotion of caring with family members and friends but these women he is giving this attention to are not family nor in our friends circle, he even admitted the woman he was messaging he didn’t know her, never met her but that his mate knew the women. 
 

I look forward to your feedback and the opportunity to get it off my chest as I haven’t been able to share it with anyone as I didn’t want their thoughts about him to be tarnished by his stupidity well that’s what I think 🤔 

Edited by Misty1
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9 minutes ago, Misty1 said:

my partner was messaging a woman asking when they were coming.. This isn’t the first time he has suggested that a female might like to go to the holiday home. he also thinks it’s appropriate to put a blow kiss emoji when messaging a  female

Sorry this is happening.

It it your family's home or a home you and your partner own together? Do you have kids?

How old is he? Do you think he is using this vacation home as a place to cheat with women?

No, it's not appropriate in a long term committed relationship to not only blatantly flirt but invite women to your vacation home.

He's denying it, dismissing it and of course down playing it.

Are you going through his phone or is he telling you this?

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We share a device and so he knows I can see his messages and has never worried about it. He has always asked me to help him with technical stuff and to fix things he messes up with like creating documents or emails etc.

I do wonder if on the many occasions when he goes down to do maintenance whether he has had a woman there. Quite often other family with their own holiday home in this bay are there so I don’t know that he would do it while they were around.

It is a family holiday home that is shared and maintained by him and his family.

We don’t have children together we are past that age.

Thank you for saying it isn’t appropriate as that is how I feel. 

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1 hour ago, Misty1 said:

 

1 hour ago, Misty1 said:

he also thinks it’s appropriate to put a blow kiss emoji when messaging a single/divorcie female or asking a married woman he knew from a past job if she would like to have a drink with him on his way to the holiday home,

these women he is giving this attention to are not family nor in our friends circle, he even admitted the woman he was messaging he didn’t know her, never met her but that his mate knew the women. 

He sounds amazingly immature and behaving like a teenager.  And from what you say I am assuming he is probably 45/50? He must think he is a reincarnation of Casanova.

 

1 hour ago, Misty1 said:

I have had countless conversations with him telling him his actions are inappropriate, hurtful and making me have major trust issues with him.

You know the saying: "Where there is smoke there is fire".   And he will continue to act like this unless you seriously put your foot down. 

Edited by LaHermes
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4 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

He sounds amazingly immature and behaving like a teenager.  And from you say I am assuming he is probably 45/50? He must think he is a reincarnation of Casanova.

I told him his behaviour was immature and childlike and he didn’t agree with that. 

You know the saying: "Where there is smoke there is fire".   And he will continue to act like this unless you seriously put your foot down. 

 

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Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, Misty1 said:

 

I did have another strong conversation with him again last night I also said what if I ring up your mum and say Fred (not his name) asked a couple of women he didn’t know to go down to the holiday home with him and his friend what do think about that and his response well go on then, ask her, so I replied do you think she would say “ that’s nice dear” and he thought about it and said probably not.

Edited by Misty1
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Listen Misty.  He is running rings around you and doesn't care.  If he had any respect for you he would not behave like this. I mean, saying you would ring his mother as if he were a misbehaving teenager!! You know full well that you cannot go on like this and you need to make it clear to him that you will not continue in the relationship unless he gives you a firm commitment to start behaving like a grown man.

 

 

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If a man treats you right, you would not feel this way, you’d feel loved and cherished.

if you tell a man that loves you that his actions feel inappropriate, he apologizes and makes changes, he doesn’t tell you you’re wrong for feeing how you feel. That’s gaslighting.

I would let this guy go. He doesn’t seem to be healthy committed relationship material.

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56 minutes ago, Misty1 said:

I also said what if I ring up your mum and say Fred (not his name) asked a couple of women he didn’t know to go down to the holiday home with him

Unfortunately, this is not a "strong conversation". You're just threatening to tell his mother on him?

Tell him what you think, not what he thinks his mother would think.

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His behavior is inappropriate in general. His invites and right down to the kissing emoji. That to me implies intentions beyond just flirting. 
His behavior is disrespectful to you and the relationship. And maybe some of these women find it offensive too. Let him dismiss it all he wants, but don’t dismiss it yourself. If this is his pattern, why put up with it? You obviously don’t like it, understandably 

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Couple of things I thought of while reading your post.

Why don't you know your feelings are valid? Honest question. You should not need the validation of others or even your partner for YOUR feelings and what YOU think are acceptable behaviors.

Also, in your shoes I would not mistake a long relationship as the same as a good relationship. I would evaluate what has been actually happening and why things lasted 9 years... are your needs being met or are you just going along because you're afraid to rock the boat?

You guys share an account... he has no problem flirting, asking for dates, inviting other women to guys' weekends... and you are right there reading it.

Good Lord.

I would kick this guy to the curb so fast. There is no way I would allow myself to be embarrassed and disrespected, especially in full view as if no big deal. 

Let this player go play... and find yourself a true partner. 

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He is never going to stop this behavior. Why should he? He does whatever he wants, disrespects you and your relationship with him and sure, you complain a bit yet you stay. I bet you even tell him you love him. So why should he change?

People do not change unless and until there are real consequences to their actions. And even then, if they like what they're doing they will not stop.

So, do you want a partner who seeks out other women and who disrespects you?

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You keep explaining to a grown man that cheating is wrong like he doesn't know that?  Come on now..... he knows what he is doing and he is so brazen and in your face about it, it's almost crazy in its own right.

Then again, what's your response to that? Whine a little. Lecture him a bit. Then you stay and stay, right? So, it's clearly all acceptable to you. If it wasn't, you'd have dumped this loser ages ago.

Make up your mind OP. Either cheating is OK with you or it's not. If OK, then stop lecturing and whining about it and make sure you use protection, as in condoms, and get checked for all STD's regularly. If it's not OK, then tell him to pack his stuff and gtfo your life for good. There is no middle ground here, just one or the other.

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3 hours ago, Misty1 said:

home that is shared and maintained by him and his family. We don’t have children together we are past that age.

Do you live together?

Do you both have adult children from other marriages/relationships?

You seem to be turning a blind eye to this either out of desperation (afraid to be alone), necessity (can't afford to live on your own) or simply denial (can't believe he's doing this).

His family owns the house so telling his mommy won't work. They know what's going on, so do all the people there.

Edited by Wiseman2
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12 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

hen you stay and stay, right? So, it's clearly all acceptable to you. If it wasn't, you'd have dumped this loser ages ago.

Misty. I echo what DF just said.

So, what do you intend to do?

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5 hours ago, Misty1 said:

I have had countless conversations with him telling him his actions are inappropriate, hurtful and making me have major trust issues with him. 

Why have you done this, repeatedly?  Because you have feelings?  Yet, he has not shown proper respect and appreciation towards you.

This behaviour is not right.  He's acting like a jolly young man, in his 20's - who is single.  Not involved.  No respect.

Stop accepting this from him.

Say enough, you're done.  Because you don't deserve to be disrespected!

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He is the problem. He knows it, and you know it. 

But, he also knows he can get away with it and you will still be there. So now is the time to stop explaining to him why he shouldn't be trying to hook up with other women (because let's be honest, that's exactly what is trying to do) and find a man who values you. 

A man who loves you and respects you would not do these things do begin with. There would be no need to have "countless" conversations or threaten to call Mummy. You have got yourself a dud of a man here who is not invested in you. 

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I once worked with the guy who was like that. He was close to 60 year old, wife, kids, even grandkids. Still didnt stop him to hit on twice as younger volunteer girl in front of all office. To ask for phone number, to ask to run with her(she talked how she runs on local stadium almost every day) etc. 

Point is, guys like that never change. He is 9 years with you, probably would stay because you have longevity and you probably suit him. But he will never give up his ways. Will always call other girls(even if he doesnt remotely knows them) to drink and who knows what. And you enable him that(probably one of the reasons why you suit him). Aside of pouting here and there when you almost catch him redhanded there are really no consequences of his actions. So he would just continue to do the same. 

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

You have got yourself a dud of a man here who is not invested in you. 

This is sadly the case Misty.  You deserve better and you must also ask why you spent nine years with this man.  

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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Tell him what you think, not what he thinks his mother would think.

I wasn’t meaning I would go tittle telling to his mum, I was trying to get him to see it a different way, as he thinks about his mum knowing what he was doing, what reaction did he feel when he thought about his mum knowing. Would he think his mum would be ok with it, it was me trying to get him to think from a different perspective. 

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7 minutes ago, Misty1 said:

I wasn’t meaning I would go tittle telling to his mum, I was trying to get him to see it a different way, as he thinks about his mum knowing what he was doing, what reaction did he feel when he thought about his mum knowing. Would he think his mum would be ok with it, it was me trying to get him to think from a different perspective. 

He doesn't care about anyone's "perspective " except his own. 

Please get out of this relationship.  This man holds no respect for you. 

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10 minutes ago, Misty1 said:

I wasn’t meaning I would go tittle telling to his mum, I was trying to get him to see it a different way, as he thinks about his mum knowing what he was doing, what reaction did he feel when he thought about his mum knowing. Would he think his mum would be ok with it, it was me trying to get him to think from a different perspective. 

Misty, it's not that he doesn't see or doesn't understand, it's that he doesn't care.

You are way too deep in denial about that and as long as you keep telling yourself that he just doesn't understand, it justifies staying with a cheater. Stop it. You deserve so much better than wasting your time and life on a cheating loser.

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5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you live together?

Yes, we own a home together.

 

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

necessity (can't afford to live on your own)

Both of us would struggle to get another home by ourselves.

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you both have adult children from other marriages/relationships?

Yes but not living at home.

 

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately, this is not a "strong conversation". You're just threatening to tell his mother on him?

I was saying this to get him to see it from another perspective to think about what someone else would think and used his mum as an example. I would never go tittle telling to his mum.

 

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

His family owns the house so telling his mommy won't work. They know what's going on, so do all the people there.

As above, I was never going to tell his mother, and they don’t know what is going on. For the last messages, he said his mate used his phone to send the messages. I can’t prove otherwise but the spelling mistakes were his way of writing and I don’t know how literate his mate is whether he too can’t spell either. 

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