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How do I move on?


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8 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

But I just don't understand, if he's not happy anymore, why giving me hopes that we can be together if we stop fighting, why not release me from this sad and losing game.

Because HE is feeling a sense of 'control'.

YOU have options too you know.  You have options to walk away.. ignore his controlling aspect and just say Enough!

But, he knows he is your weakness, so he plays it.

 

I do not believe he is truly your 'best friend'.  You've come to lean on him a lot.  But, once that line has been crossed ( you've become 'more' than just friends), can be a challenge to totally 'let go'.

True friends are supportive.  Not conniving.  And they hear you, they offer support.  Not make you feel like you are something useless. - Stop letting him lead you on.

You NEED to take back your power. Realize you do not need him anymore.  To find yourself again.  Not sit back & accept some guy who's been telling you how to act! 

You both can move on again. 

You just need to see this.  That you do not need to 'cling' onto him anymore.

 

15 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

I got scared and came back to my ex. And only after I lost the new guy (told him I agreed to try with the ex (just trying, my ex didn't ask me to be his girlfriend again but simply to e a good girl before I can apply to be a gf))

Yeah, it doesn't work this way.

He's either willing to try again - or not!  This is not a 'control game'.

FACT : You two are not compatible, you already know this. So, you find someone out there in this great big World, who does fancy you.

 

18 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

he moved on, really really fast he moved on. But I felt very, very happy with him, whatever it really was, huge interest, attraction or what, I felt loved and very happy.

Yes, because it was someone new, who DID show you some proper affection - where you were lacking with your ex.... BUT, was still too much - you two never even got going on something real & healthy.

You pulled, then pushed - way too soon for this to work.

 

20 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

I'm just tired of being single. Tired of working for a relationship.

This is why you need some serious down time.  Do NOT go out searching because you are tired of being single.  Respect yourself more.. get better and to where you are NOT still into your ex- you know just recently you were willing to go there, again!

Note: you are tired or working for a relationship- Right!  you are tired, as a relationship has expectations.  It does take energy, you don;t have that right now.. Slow this area of your life down for a while.. Stop giving yourself.  But just be on your own and focus on YOU.

 

23 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

I lost that someone really nice and kind, the new guy.

Because YOU were not ready

So, please sit back a while.. slow everything down with expectations and just take care of yourself here.

I do not feel you're close to ready to get involved again.  Is best to remain single some more.. Get yourself back to good.  Hang with friends, get out there & do things.  Take some down time now, to heal properly.  Not feel this 'need' to be involved again.

Seriously, take care of YOU.

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32 minutes ago, CryingDuckie said:

why not release me from this sad and losing game. 

That's your job. You need to block and delete him from all your social media and messaging apps.

He's not holding you hostage, you are holding yourself hostage.

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4 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It very likely didn't, actually. 

People who come on that strong so fast usually have issues, OP. Issues that make a real relationship very difficult or impossible. Or, they burn out and disappear as quickly as they crash-landed in your life. 

The chances that this would have developed into something beautiful are very slim. Dude souonds like he's got a couple screws loose. 

Even if so.. Why does it hurt so bad.. It's just we have so many things in common as we talked lots in the beginning, I fell in love with his smile we are even of the same age. He literally just texted me that all the romantic feelings are gone for him. It's just I can't stop sending him big messages saying how sorry I am and how much I regret.. He says "I'm so sorry you are hurting so much, but it's me who should be apologizing, not you". As I keep saying sorry for hurting him.. I'm just so so sad, each day is worse. I kinda felt like this with every guy, it seems stupid if I think about it but it's true. I liked very few guys in life, this new. Guy is the fourth but most definitely I have more things in common with him than with everyone else (even though I felt like this about everyone) but it's true, I do have more with him and it hurts to lose it. I felt so happy with him during first days.. We talk like friends and play chess online but it seems like it's everything he wants from me - play chess. But it hurts that I'm only a chess pal now. From being a very special girl for him (as he said that he never fell so quickly for anyone and I believe it) I'm now a chess pal. So fast and so rapid.. 

 

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4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

But you fell quickly for the online cheater too. 

Instead of thinking you have to have a man in your life, how about taking some time off to figure out what you really want?

It took me a month to feel like I had a crush on that guy. But it wasn't strong, I felt okay. When I came to this site with that post it was already 10 months later after we met. And I was infected by suddenly contacting me.. 

I've been single and confused for 1,5 years now.. I know what I want, I want to feel loved.. 

 

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2 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Precisely Ms. C. 

The fast and furious start-up is a very bad sign, OP.  Stable, sane people don't do that.

 

If he isn't stable or sane, he's incredibly kind and interesting, warm and nice and we have tons in common. It hurts that I lost him, that my mistake gave him a push and killed any of his feelings for me.. I wouldn't turn him away for being unstable.. It doesn't define him as a person.. I think

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12 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

I've been single and confused for 1,5 years now.. I know what I want, I want to feel loved.. 

 

There is a big difference between "love" (healthy love) and neediness.

Please take SS advice and re-read.

 

16 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I do not feel you're close to ready to get involved again.  Is best to remain single some more.. Get yourself back to good.  Hang with friends, get out there & do things.  Take some down time now, to heal properly.  Not feel this 'need' to be involved again.

Unstable people do not make for good relationship material.

 

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12 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

He literally just texted me....

So you don't want to move on. You want to be friends, play chess, stay in touch, etc. and be free to have crushes on others.

It's unclear what you are striving for? Friends, a BF, online pals?

 How involved are you in your work or studies?  Are you happy at home? What is driving this need to "be loved"?

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18 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

as we talked lots in the beginning

In the beginning? Girl, you only knew him for 14 days. There was nothing but the beginning. This never got off the ground. 

18 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

we are even of the same age

You say this like it's rare. A lot of couples are the same age. 

18 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

I have more things in common with him than with everyone else

You barely know him. You might have some things in common on the surface, yes, but you don't have any idea how much in common you genuinely have on a deeper level. 

18 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

I wouldn't turn him away for being unstable

The point is that unstable people have unstable relationships. If this guy is unstable (and sorry to say that he probaby is if he was telling you he loved you after a few days), then you likely would have been hurt sooner or later by this guy. 

 

18 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

he's incredibly kind and interesting, warm and nice

Again, what you know of him is a fraction of who he really is. You have no idea what his true character is. You have built a fantasy in your mind built on very little tangible information about him. 

 

18 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

I want to feel loved.. 

We all do, but this is your problem: you're feeling so lonely and desperate since your split with your ex that the first guy who whispers some sweet nothings at you has you thinking it was a great love in the making. Even the most dangerous sparks look amazing and tempting in the dark. 

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21 hours ago, CryingDuckie said:

Why does it hurt so bad..

That always happens in situations like this. It's because your feelings got all riled up. That's what hormones do. They try to convince you to mate by messing with your common sense. Mother Nature doesn't care who you sleep with. She just wants you to reproduce.

Have you ever heard of Cupid's Arrow, or seen it portrayed in cartoons (especially the old ones)? The character is minding his/her own business and suddenly BAM! Cupid shoots them with an arrow and they start acting stupid. 

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On 7/23/2021 at 11:23 PM, Jibralta said:

That always happens in situations like this. It's because your feelings got all riled up. That's what hormones do. They try to convince you to mate by messing with your common sense. Mother Nature doesn't care who you sleep with. She just wants you to reproduce.

Have you ever heard of Cupid's Arrow, or seen it portrayed in cartoons (especially the old ones)? The character is minding his/her own business and suddenly BAM! Cupid shoots them with an arrow and they start acting stupid. 

I've heard of it, yes:) And you are right, it does seem like I was struck by such an arrow as it happened so fast and unexpected. And is a really cruel thing..

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On 7/23/2021 at 8:50 PM, MissCanuck said:

In the beginning? Girl, you only knew him for 14 days. There was nothing but the beginning. This never got off the ground. 

You say this like it's rare. A lot of couples are the same age. 

You barely know him. You might have some things in common on the surface, yes, but you don't have any idea how much in common you genuinely have on a deeper level. 

The point is that unstable people have unstable relationships. If this guy is unstable (and sorry to say that he probaby is if he was telling you he loved you after a few days), then you likely would have been hurt sooner or later by this guy. 

 

Again, what you know of him is a fraction of who he really is. You have no idea what his true character is. You have built a fantasy in your mind built on very little tangible information about him. 

 

We all do, but this is your problem: you're feeling so lonely and desperate since your split with your ex that the first guy who whispers some sweet nothings at you has you thinking it was a great love in the making. Even the most dangerous sparks look amazing and tempting in the dark. 

Thank you so much.. All the feelings aside it sounds so logical, clear and smart. And it makes me feel a lot better that you and other people here say he's probably unstable. I hope it doesn't make me unstable but just desperate and lonely like you say.. 
As for the age, it just seemed like a nice fact to me. It's just all the major things I'm interested in, literature, guitar, piano, hiking, football, love for the cold, snow and mountains, some other little things - it's exactly what he does and loves too. And you are right, it's just on the surface. But I fell for it as I've never had this much in common with everyone, even if on the surface..
 Thank you again for your reply, it made me head a lot clear! I still feel something for him as we keep chatting like friends but I feel a lot better after reaching out on here. A lot clearer. And such a beautiful saying about the sparks!!!

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On 7/23/2021 at 2:57 PM, Wiseman2 said:

So you don't want to move on. You want to be friends, play chess, stay in touch, etc. and be free to have crushes on others.

It's unclear what you are striving for? Friends, a BF, online pals?

 How involved are you in your work or studies?  Are you happy at home? What is driving this need to "be loved"?

For the new guy, yeah. I kinda like him a lot still, he moved on but I can't really do the same yet, although I realized a lot of things  after posting my message here and getting so many wise replies.. Yet I keep thinking about him and can't help it. 
I have a very good job I was purely lucky to get and I love it, I've moved away from home when I was 16 and live far from my family. It's okay, I'm used to it and I visit my family once a year. But it's just because I've been single for 1,5 years I want to feel loved again, needed and wanted. I was happy reading messages from this new guy saying he missed me while I was sleeping, I felt happy that he wanted to spend time with me, look at me and talk to me. I have friends but I am very lonely

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On 7/22/2021 at 11:27 PM, LaHermes said:

Precisely Ms. C. 

The fast and furious start-up is a very bad sign, OP.  Stable, sane people don't do that.

 

Knowing that makes me feel a lot better, that's true! But I wish there were ad things about him that I would know. As I know very little and it's all the things I like. So I kind of know he's unstable but otherwise a good and interesting person (as much as I know)

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On 7/22/2021 at 9:57 PM, Wiseman2 said:

That's your job. You need to block and delete him from all your social media and messaging apps.

He's not holding you hostage, you are holding yourself hostage.

I literally can't. I've know him for almost 4 years, dating for the first too. And since we met there wasn't a day that we wouldn't talk. Despite the fact I wasn't able to let go and stop hoping to get back together, we really do support each other a lot

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On 7/22/2021 at 9:47 PM, SooSad33 said:

Because HE is feeling a sense of 'control'.

YOU have options too you know.  You have options to walk away.. ignore his controlling aspect and just say Enough!

But, he knows he is your weakness, so he plays it.

 

I do not believe he is truly your 'best friend'.  You've come to lean on him a lot.  But, once that line has been crossed ( you've become 'more' than just friends), can be a challenge to totally 'let go'.

True friends are supportive.  Not conniving.  And they hear you, they offer support.  Not make you feel like you are something useless. - Stop letting him lead you on.

You NEED to take back your power. Realize you do not need him anymore.  To find yourself again.  Not sit back & accept some guy who's been telling you how to act! 

You both can move on again. 

You just need to see this.  That you do not need to 'cling' onto him anymore.

 

Yeah, it doesn't work this way.

He's either willing to try again - or not!  This is not a 'control game'.

FACT : You two are not compatible, you already know this. So, you find someone out there in this great big World, who does fancy you.

 

Yes, because it was someone new, who DID show you some proper affection - where you were lacking with your ex.... BUT, was still too much - you two never even got going on something real & healthy.

You pulled, then pushed - way too soon for this to work.

 

This is why you need some serious down time.  Do NOT go out searching because you are tired of being single.  Respect yourself more.. get better and to where you are NOT still into your ex- you know just recently you were willing to go there, again!

Note: you are tired or working for a relationship- Right!  you are tired, as a relationship has expectations.  It does take energy, you don;t have that right now.. Slow this area of your life down for a while.. Stop giving yourself.  But just be on your own and focus on YOU.

 

Because YOU were not ready

So, please sit back a while.. slow everything down with expectations and just take care of yourself here.

I do not feel you're close to ready to get involved again.  Is best to remain single some more.. Get yourself back to good.  Hang with friends, get out there & do things.  Take some down time now, to heal properly.  Not feel this 'need' to be involved again.

Seriously, take care of YOU.

No, no.. With my ex we really do support each other. Whatever happens in my life I come to him to tell him about it, and he does the same. It's just up until recently I was also hoping to get back together with him. But I don't want anymore. We talked and I told him that he's like a big brother to me now, and he agreed he felt like this with me too. It's really difficult cuz I don't understand then why offering me to work and fight less for a possible relationship in the future. It is controlling, you are right.. I'm just used to cling on him.. And I thought the same! That he's either willing to try again or not! But he has his own logic. He needs no fights before he can try again. I never ever understood that. I moved on and want to be with someone else now (generally speaking) but it's just we can't cross out 4 years of support and stop talking for good..

And you are absolutely right.. I was happy to get affection from someone, and now that it's gone so fast, it's hard.. But I did pull back, went to my ex.. It seems so crazy to me too now
It's just I've been longing for this affection for so long, it seems, that I can't even imagine waiting more:) But I think you are right, I'll be rereading your messages, and others too, whenever I feel my thoughts mingled and confused again. And I'll focus on myself some more. After all yeah I've been single for 1,5 years but all that time I was hoping to get back together with my ex. I don't know how to stop needing someone in my life, like to be involved with someone. But I'll try my best... And I'm so very, very grateful for the advice and the help! Thank you! Huge, huge thank you!  I don't even know how to express it enough..

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I have been through plenty enough, lol

I know all the shades 😉 

I have been single for almost 3 yrs and in no hurry to go there again.  It's draining & I don't have the energy needed to try again 😕 .

So, I prefer being on my own, as I have been through too much now.  Yeah, it does hurt, especially when you've been through it all over & over - and it's caused damage.

I often say.. Don't get involved & you won't get hurt 😉 .

I still suggest you do NOT seek him as a real partner in your life.  If you are okay as 'friends', fine.  But, don't expect more than that with him

He is now your ex, leave it at that! ( You already know you two are not compatible) . Then work on accepting this & move along.

Is always good to work on ourselves.. getting back to good.  Go in with a clear mind, when considering dating again.  So be kind to yourself.. Take some down time. - And don;t go at the first one who gives you attention.

Take it easy...

 

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Stop being friends with your ex because it's unhealthy and as long as you're friends with him, you'll never able to move on.  Remaining friends with your ex will constantly remind you of your bitter past with him.  It's time to go your separate ways permanently.

I'm sorry for your pain.  Unfortunately, for most people in this world, we learn very harsh lessons the hard way which is the best yet most painful way.  Those are severe lessons you'll never forget.

Be comforted knowing that your regrettable lessons were not all in vain.  Take those painful memories with you.  Bad memories teach you how to navigate your life more wisely from this day forward.  You've since learned how to become more shrewd in your future.

Your key takeaways are learning how to be smarter with your choices in men, knowing who are keepers and who is not worth having in your life.

There are so many stories regarding "the one that got away."  Life is full of sore regrets.  All you can do is never repeat the same mistake twice! 

Keep in mind, whenever you have to work so hard at a relationship, it isn't working.  Normal, loving, very respectful and kind couples do not give ultimatums such as "if you don't fight anymore, I'll stay with you."  That's very bad communication.  It's important to discuss issues thoroughly instead of shutting it down like that. 

Google "gaslighting."  Gaslighting is deflecting, changing the subject and manipulating the conversation so that you are perceived as the insane one; not the perpetrator.  Also, gaslighting pins the blame entirely on you.  You are the one who is considered a "loose cannon."  There is no mature, intelligent conversation to be had in order to resolve differences.  It's a lose-lose situation. I know so many people who fall into this category.  I simply stay away.  Far away.

Google "emotional intelligence."  Without emotional intelligence, it's impossible to have a harmonious, peaceful, content, sound, stable relationship with anyone.  ALL relationships are doomed for failure without emotional intelligence.  (This includes relationships, friendships, family, relatives, in-laws, everyone.)  Emotional intelligence is empathy. 

Give yourself a long break from men so you can think long and hard with zero distractions.  Then you will come out of this much wiser, resilient, tougher and stronger. 

My story isn't the same as yours.  However, there are parallels in different ways when dealing or choosing not to deal with various characters anymore.  Don't get hurt.  Pick yourself up by getting smarter.  Play your cards smarter.  Then you'll feel numb, more intelligent and the pain goes away. 

 

Edited by Cherylyn
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1 minute ago, Cherylyn said:

Without emotional intelligence, it's impossible to have a harmonious, peaceful, content, sound, stable relationship with anyone.  ALL relationships are doomed for failure without emotional intelligence.  (This includes relationships, friendships, family, relatives, in-laws, everyone.)

No truer words Cher.

And this:

3 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Keep in mind, whenever you have to work so hard at a relationship, it isn't working. 

 

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3 hours ago, LaHermes said:

And this:

3 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Keep in mind, whenever you have to work so hard at a relationship, it isn't working. 

Yes. It sounds funny, but the relationship itself should actually be functional and do work. It's a support system. 

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To clarify, when I meant a relationship requires too much work to sustain it, you're in constant "rescuing" mode which means the relationship is not working anymore.  Yes, relationships require work.  However, relationships shouldn't be miserable and taxing in order for the relationship to work. 

The secret to a successful relationship is to choose the right one.  You can't force two incompatible people together no matter how hard you try to make it work as your support system. 

Communication is key, too.  If there are problems, issues or concerns, these topics can be discussed in a CALM, mature, intelligent manner in order to have the common goal to resolve it peacefully.  If there are differences which result in arguing, fighting, yelling, shouting matches or shutting a person down in order to manipulate the person or the conversation, then the relationship is doomed for failure. 

It goes back to emotional intelligence.  Either a couple has emotional intelligence in lockstep or they don't.  If they don't, their relationship will eventually dissolve. 

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6 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

The secret to a successful relationship is to choose the right one.  You can't force two incompatible people together no matter how hard you try to make it work as your support system. 

Therein lies the core aspect Cher.

Yet so many seem hell-bent on choosing the absolutely wrong person. 

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