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I can't deal with this anymore.


That36guy
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On 7/22/2021 at 11:03 PM, Wiseman2 said:

That's ok. You need to find your niche.

Not everyone is Mr life of the party or Mr conversationalist.

Just listen to people. People like good listeners.

Maybe position yourself as the strong silent type, but not a wallflower. Smile, be approachable, laugh at people's jokes, etc. 

I agree, not everyone has to be the wild one at parties, I'm a listener and sometimes I tell a joke, and I'm okay with it. I think the OP just needs to be more comfortable with himself, enjoy social outings and not overanalyze every social interaction. 

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8 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

If how you speak here on ENA is how you behave towards other people, and I expect it is, then it is no wonder you have difficulty in your social and romantic life. You’re always looking down on others, trying to find some logical explanation as to why you were skipped over, and when you cannot come up with an answer that doesn’t lead back to you as the cause then you justify it by calling into question the other person’s character or making it some other person’s fault. 

If I were you, I would seek the help of an appropriately trained and qualified therapist to help you learn about and understand yourself better,

 

8 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

And try to be more pleasant.

I can only echo what Lotus says. 

If basic problems are not addressed we can talk here about parties and what parties (wild, mild or at the White House) constitute for the next ten years. The amount of great advice given in all the OP's threads is amazing, but is rudely ignored or equally rudely responded.  Not once (I believe) have I seen the OP thank one poster for their time and effort in replying to HIS requests for advice.

Being pleasant costs nothing, a kind word or thank you costs nothing either. 

Repeating again what PDN said in a previous post:

"A social tip. When a poster responds substantively to your threads, they put in effort to help you. So, it is polite and classy to acknowledge them in some way. It may help you in real life to practice exercising politeness and classiness here on ENA."

 

 

Edited by LaHermes
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Do you really think people could afford to have wild, furniture-destroying parties all the time?  When would they have time to keep buying new furniture?  How could they afford it?

I'm guessing you got your ideas about what happens at parties from the movies you've been watching.  No, most parties are not like that.

My kids are just a bit older than you.  The parties they attend consist of a lot of talking and laughing, a bit of dancing to the music that's playing, yes some drinking and maybe a hookup or two...but mostly people hanging out enjoying being social.

ONCE AGAIN...stop looking for things to worry about!

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I was invited to some really crazy parties when I was younger (Eastern European style 😃), but there was nobody destroying any furniture.  You don't have to do anything too crazy if you don't want to, good music and alcohol are okay, no need to overthink it 🙂 

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21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm guessing you got your ideas about what happens at parties from the movies you've been watching.

Yeh. That's about it.  Listen OP, the real world is a very different place to the one you imagine.  Did you not even socialize - a bit - in your teens?

Parties at age 26 are a different proposition to parties at age 16, OP.   Recalling parties I attended  at around age 26 they were much as Bolt has described.  And the key words there are  "being social" and above all that word "enjoy". 

 

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

a lot of talking and laughing, a bit of dancing to the music that's playing, yes some drinking and maybe a hookup or two...but mostly people hanging out enjoying being social.

The difficulty is, OP, that your own attitudes and your self-confessed awkwardness mean that any party will seem like a minefield to you. A sense of humour is a huge asset, as is an interest in other people.  It doesn't have to be deep intellectual stuff.

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Think about the kind of girl that would attract you.  How would she interact with you?  Then be that person to others.  

And don't get all into your head and go hide in the bathroom with your phone.  If you find yourself with no one to talk to, look for someone else in the room who isn't talking to anyone at that moment. Then go introduce yourself.  If it's a girl, offer to get her a beverage.  If it's a guy, ask him how he knows the people who are hosting the party.  Have a few conversation-starting questions in your mind.  

And above all, remember it's a party, not a social test that you need to pass or fail.  

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4 hours ago, That36guy said:

I think you already know the answer to that.

No I don't OP. I am not a mind reader (yet).

You tell me.  What happened to you that you are in this present lamentable state, depressed and depressive, filled with anxiety, where even your own work colleagues make fun of you. Does it not strike you as strange and peculiar, something far beyond mere "social awkwardness".  Did your parents never notice or take any steps to help you.

This is not a superficial problem, OP. 

 

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On 7/23/2021 at 7:57 PM, That36guy said:

Ok, that's actually comforting to hear. I just got invited to a party next Thursday and I've been worrying about being the odd one out since I don't drink or smoke and a lot of people in the group usually do partake in drinking and some vaping/weed usage.

The one thing I will say is that I am not a social person; I would rather have teeth pulled than go to a party (in my teens and very early 20s) that was all about socialising, drinking, doing drugs/smoking weed, hooking up, etc. It’s not my thing and it was obvious how uncomfortable I was in those situations. I am not someone who is naturally very funny, I don’t enjoy talking about all the young adult drama stuff either, and my idea of interesting was always way more inline with someone 10 years older than me. Put into those kinds of social situations, particularly and specifically parties, left me with knots in my stomach and the feeling of dread that had me on the verge of panic most times.

BUT, and this is very important, I was not apologetic about or felt shameful for being me. Where other people teased some for not being “brave” or “cool” enough to engage in drinking, smoking, and/or hookups, I was never questioned. My choices were well respected because I was unapologetic for being clear and firm on my stance on those things. Where others felt embarrassed and ashamed for avoiding the “cool” things, and were made a target for bullying as a result, I stood my ground and said, “Yeah, thanks but no thanks. It’s not my thing and I don’t want to participate in those activities. But have at it if you want to.” My conviction was respected. At age 34, I still have never been drunk ir high.

So, be who you are and own it. Never apologise for being yourself confidently (unless your behaviour/attitude hurts others).

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15 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I'm guessing you got your ideas about what happens at parties from the movies you've been watching.

That's what I was thinking too. 

I have been to a lot of parties in my day. Only a couple ever involved furniture being destroyed, people going absolutely bat-s**t, bottles getting broken...and those were all in highschool when nobody knew their limits and everyone was jacked on hormones and rebellion. 

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Ok, so I have another update that I could really use some advice on.

Apparently the guy who invited me to this party has a notorious reputation for throwing himself at some of the girls in this group and that he regularly cheats on his girlfriend who exists outside of the group. There's also apparently one or two girls in said group who hook up with him knowing well and good that he's cheating. I honestly view that just as bad as cheating itself.

And on top of that, there are some rumors going around work that our boss is doing something of a crackdown on this group of people and their usual outings. Our most recent outing (the one that I attended) included one of the store's team leaders and he got in trouble since a lot of the people in the group are his subordinates in his department and now this TL is in trouble with management. Our main manager is allegedly keeping a close eye on certain employees and I honestly have a bad feeling about this whole thing.

I really don't know if I should continue to hang with these people. A hanfdul of them clearly engage in scummy behavior and now there's this whole episode with out boss trying to get involved and probably reprimand us in some way. I don't know if I'm right to have some concerns or if this is my anxiety just trying to talk me out of hanging out with them. These new developments just have me feeling a bit uneasy and I don't know what to do.

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Honestly, and you have been advised this before, it is best to keep work and leisure/pleasure pursuits completely separate.

That said I find it rather odd that the boss would get involved in what his/her employees do in their free time outside the workplace.  The boss can hardly crack down on their outings or other leisure events.

Could you not find a group of friends not related in any way to your workplace?

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Your boss cannot "reprimand" you for going bowling outside of work.  Or for attending a party outside of work.

However, if you feel associating with this group of coworkers might reflect poorly on you at work you might reconsider.

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4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Your boss cannot "reprimand" you for going bowling outside of work.  Or for attending a party outside of work.

However, if you feel associating with this group of coworkers might reflect poorly on you at work you might reconsider.

As far as I know, it's just a small handful of people who come off as morally questionable. I don't want to make it sound like the whole group is like that.

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8 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Honestly, and you have been advised this before, it is best to keep work and leisure/pleasure pursuits completely separate.

That said I find it rather odd that the boss would get involved in what his/her employees do in their free time outside the workplace.  The boss can hardly crack down on their outings or other leisure events.

Could you not find a group of friends not related in any way to your workplace?

I probably could once I start going back to college in a month.

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Well, OP, that's just a few weeks away.   Hopefully you will meet friends at college.  Will you be leaving the area and your current workplace in order to attend college?

Perhaps it would be best to sidestep this group at work.  Aside from friends you may make at college there must surely be other people in your locality you could enjoy leisure time with.

 

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34 minutes ago, That36guy said:

I probably could once I start going back to college in a month.

On campus? Yes join groups, clubs, sports, etc. be friendly, smile, start a study group. See if there are jobs available through the campus job board.

Look for a side hustle like driving uber or at some other retail place. Why not work part-time in a gaming store? Find an interest and get a job doing that.

You need to get out of the work-home-gaming rut. Apply things to a more productive endeavor. 

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OP:

You said that you are planning on leaving this job soon. 

There probably is no company policy against team members getting together outside of working hours. 

You are not a team leader, so you would not get in trouble like the other team leader did for drinking, etc. with subordinates. 

You have little desire to drink, do drugs, or party like crazy, so I am not sure over what you think you would get in trouble. 

Therefore, I doubt your workplace would discipline you over this. I infer that this is social anxiety (which, in my not-at-all qualified opinion, you have) trying to persuade you to self-isolate. Your brain is essentially rationalizing a "I can't screw up if I have nothing to screw up" mentality. 

I recommended (again) that you see a physician and have them screen you for (social) anxiety. 

Hope this helps. 

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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26 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

OP:

You said that you are planning on leaving this job soon. 

There probably is no company policy against team members getting together outside of working hours. 

You are not a team leader, so you would not get in trouble like the other team leader did for drinking, etc. with subordinates. 

You have little desire to drink, do drugs, or party like crazy, so I am not sure over what you think you would get in trouble. 

Therefore, I doubt your workplace would discipline you over this. I infer that this is social anxiety (which, in my not-at-all qualified opinion, you have) trying to persuade you to self-isolate. Your brain is essentially rationalizing a "I can't screw up if I have nothing to screw up" mentality. 

I recommended (again) that you see a physician and have them screen you for (social) anxiety. 

Hope this helps. 

Ok. I think my current plan is to at least attend Thursday’s party and see for myself what goes on in the group and go from there.

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1 hour ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

I infer that this is social anxiety (which, in my not-at-all qualified opinion, you have) trying to persuade you to self-isolate. Your brain is essentially rationalizing a "I can't screw up if I have nothing to screw up" mentality. 

That's exaclty how I read it, too. 

I think you are looking for reasons to back out, OP.

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1 hour ago, That36guy said:

Ok. I think my current plan is to at least attend Thursday’s party and see for myself what goes on in the group and go from there.

I agree with this plan.

Don't look for excuses to continue your stay at home watching TV alone while eating pizza and spending Friday nights in line at Target to buy Pokemon cards routine.  That will get you zero dates.

If you can just stop with the obsessive overanalyzing, you actually might find yourself having some fun.

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I agree with this plan.

Don't look for excuses to continue your stay at home watching TV alone while eating pizza and spending Friday nights in line at Target to buy Pokemon cards routine.  That will get you zero dates.

If you can just stop with the obsessive overanalyzing, you actually might find yourself having some fun.

I’m feeling pretty good about going. I just talked with one of my co-workers (older woman who’s worked at this store for a long time) who’s usually a cautious woman who also happens to be a good judge of character and even she’s urging me to go and branch out. She told me that this group of people is pretty chill and laid back.

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