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I can't deal with this anymore.


That36guy
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4 minutes ago, That36guy said:

I mentioned being confrontational because I don’t want to sound like I’m accusing her of deliberately snubbing me or already trying to banish me from the group. There were time during the hangout where I felt like the wet blanket and I’m worried that they may not want me to hang out with them anymore.

But why would you even say something like that? Why would those words even be in your head?

All you have to do is say hello, you had fun the other night, oh, and you installed Snapchat so she can add you. Simple.

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11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But why would you even say something like that? Why would those words even be in your head?

All you have to do is say hello, you had fun the other night, oh, and you installed Snapchat so she can add you. Simple.

Like I said, there were times when I felt like a stick in the mud. I was one of the few who didn't drink any alcohol and I wasn't as in tune with some of the conversations as I wanted to be, me essentially being the new guy to the group. I don't want them to think that I'm lame and not worth hanging out with them.

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46 minutes ago, That36guy said:

Like I said, there were times when I felt like a stick in the mud. I was one of the few who didn't drink any alcohol and I wasn't as in tune with some of the conversations as I wanted to be, me essentially being the new guy to the group. I don't want them to think that I'm lame and not worth hanging out with them.

They wouldn't have talked about inviting you to the next outing if they thought that.

Try to work on this pervasive negative thought process you have. You always jump to the worst conclusion and then act on it even when there's no confirmation.

Try to think about relaxing and having fun. These outings are supposed to be fun, not a source of worry, anxiety, fear and stress.

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23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Try to work on this pervasive negative thought process you have. You always jump to the worst conclusion and then act on it even when there's no confirmation.

Please OP.  Try not to stress so much.  I know it all takes some practice, and you will eventually feel more at ease in company.   As I said humour is your friend.  Do you have a good sense of humour?

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1 hour ago, That36guy said:

Like I said, there were times when I felt like a stick in the mud. I was one of the few who didn't drink any alcohol and I wasn't as in tune with some of the conversations as I wanted to be, me essentially being the new guy to the group. I don't want them to think that I'm lame and not worth hanging out with them.

There were [some] times you felt like a stick in the mud. During some of the conversations you did not know what was going on. But, in how many conversations did these negatives not apply? 

This is the whole "conspiratorial thinking" and "racing thoughts" that I wrote about in my last post on this thread. You have just as much information - perhaps more - to conclude that the hang-out was a success, yet you cling to a tiny sliver of possible negatives to conclude that it all went poorly and now they hate you. That is part of what life is like for me when I am experiencing G.A.D. symptoms. 

--

A social tip. When a poster responds substantively to your threads, they put in effort to help you. So, it is polite and classy to acknowledge them in some way. It may help you in real life to practice exercising politeness and classiness here on ENA.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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18 minutes ago, That36guy said:

Probably not.

I see. That is indeed an impediment.  Surely there are some things you find amusing and that make you laugh aloud. A sense of humour is so invaluable in negotiating life and well, if one can laugh at oneself that is a marvellous gift.

And I second what PDN just said.  We are all trying to help here, and, we are all on your side. 

20 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

When a poster responds substantively to your threads, they put in effort to help you. So, it is polite and classy to acknowledge them in some way. It may help you in real life to practice exercising politeness and classiness here on ENA.

 

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2 hours ago, That36guy said:

I mentioned being confrontational because I don’t want to sound like I’m accusing her of deliberately snubbing me or already trying to banish me from the group. There were time during the hangout where I felt like the wet blanket and I’m worried that they may not want me to hang out with them anymore.

You need to learn to love/care for a woman in a way she feels FREE to come and go as she pleases.

Definitely don't bring up anything. You are operating from a mindset of scarcity and what you fear you will end up attracting.

Main priority in my opinion would be getting more assistance in beating and overcoming anxiety. It is definitely possible...

Edited by mical
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1 hour ago, That36guy said:

I was one of the few who didn't drink any alcohol and I wasn't as in tune with some of the conversations as I wanted to be, me essentially being the new guy to the group.

That's ok. You need to find your niche.

Not everyone is Mr life of the party or Mr conversationalist.

Just listen to people. People like good listeners.

Maybe position yourself as the strong silent type, but not a wallflower. Smile, be approachable, laugh at people's jokes, etc. 

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Fear of missing out.  Exactly what are you afraid of? They will have some awesome time and then the sun will go super nova and you will never have the chance again?

  Google self fulfilling prophecy

  Explain to us why you refuse to follow some of the easiest advice you have been given here.  You ask for help but then either ignore it or find an excuse not to follow it. 

 Before anymore keystrokes happen I think you need to figure this one thing out or all the rest is wasted right now.  You seem to want it but you are unwilling to do the smallest thing to achieve it.

Lost

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11 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

Explain to us why you refuse to follow some of the easiest advice you have been given here.  You ask for help but then either ignore it or find an excuse not to follow it.

That's about it, Lost. 

And Mical has a point (also suggested by other posters):

14 hours ago, mical said:

Main priority in my opinion would be getting more assistance in beating and overcoming anxiety. It is definitely possible...

 

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22 hours ago, That36guy said:

Like I said, there were times when I felt like a stick in the mud. I was one of the few who didn't drink any alcohol and I wasn't as in tune with some of the conversations as I wanted to be, me essentially being the new guy to the group. I don't want them to think that I'm lame and not worth hanging out with them.

This is your own mindset putting you down. You think you might be perceived as "lame" if you're different, and it worries you. If you're comfortable with who you are, you won't worry that acting different might make other people think you're lame. I have a friend who has been 100% alcohol free for years (after feeling he'd had his fill when he was a student), and he fits in just fine with people who do drink alcohol. If anything, his refusal to drink any alcohol just becomes a conversation piece.

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55 minutes ago, WalterSobcha said:

This is your own mindset putting you down. You think you might be perceived as "lame" if you're different, and it worries you. If you're comfortable with who you are, you won't worry that acting different might make other people think you're lame. I have a friend who has been 100% alcohol free for years (after feeling he'd had his fill when he was a student), and he fits in just fine with people who do drink alcohol. If anything, his refusal to drink any alcohol just becomes a conversation piece.

Ok, that's actually comforting to hear. I just got invited to a party next Thursday and I've been worrying about being the odd one out since I don't drink or smoke and a lot of people in the group usually do partake in drinking and some vaping/weed usage.

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4 minutes ago, That36guy said:

Ok, that's actually comforting to hear. I just got invited to a party next Thursday and I've been worrying about being the odd one out since I don't drink or smoke and a lot of people in the group usually do partake in drinking and some vaping/weed usage.

I don't drink either and I still went to bars with my friends (well, pre-pandemic anyway). I just ordered a Sprite or a ginger ale and an appetizer. No one could tell the difference.

Stop looking for things to worry about!

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7 minutes ago, That36guy said:

I just got invited to a party next Thursday. I don't drink or smoke and a lot of people in the group usually do partake in drinking and some vaping/weed usage.

Excellent. Being straight edge gives you an edge. No stupid drunk moves, no smelling breath etc. 

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On 7/22/2021 at 2:36 AM, That36guy said:

Isn’t it basically just constant worry?

Yes, but it can come in waves, like yours does. And different people have different triggers. One of your triggers is FOMO. It sets you off.

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2 hours ago, That36guy said:

Ok, that's actually comforting to hear. I just got invited to a party next Thursday and I've been worrying about being the odd one out since I don't drink or smoke and a lot of people in the group usually do partake in drinking and some vaping/weed usage.

I didn’t drink to excess or smoke past age 15 (only cigarettes) - some silly comments were made and the vast majority of the time it was no biggie.  I did socialize and dance a lot so I “partied” in that sense. 

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On 7/22/2021 at 4:35 PM, That36guy said:
On 7/22/2021 at 4:20 PM, LaHermes said:

Do you have a good sense of humour?

Probably not.

You might be able to work on that. You have to start relaxing first.

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6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Being straight edge gives you an edge. No stupid drunk moves, no smelling breath etc. 

Do you think it would be a good idea to bring a condom to the party just in case?

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59 minutes ago, That36guy said:

Do you think it would be a good idea to bring a condom to the party just in case?

While it's always a good idea to be prepared to practice safe sex, I wouldn't go there expecting to have it that night.

Inviting you to a party isn't the same as inviting you to have sex.  But yes, it's a good idea to be safe.

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2 hours ago, That36guy said:

Do you think it would be a good idea to bring a condom to the party just in case?

I mean...it's not a bad idea to have one on hand in any case. 

Just don't go there expecting sex.  It's a party, not an invitation to get laid. 

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I also have to ask for anyone to answer: What’s the modern day millennial party like? And I’m talking about a real party, not the lame one I threw last month.

My party was basically just a large group of people just casually hanging out in a basement with drinking and snacks. It wasn’t anything too wild like furniture being trashed, people getting laid all over, and everyone bouncing all over the walls. It honestly felt a bit amateur- ish and I’m wondering if this party might differ from that.

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You say (with some superiority) that you dislike the high school level drama, yet you are the one whose internal monologue appears to be the most dramatic of all. You come across as so entitled that it is off-putting. It was as though you could not believe that your work friend had the audacity to not invite you to her party (even though you had no interest in going) despite the fact that you and her are friendly - thus you felt you deserved an invite. And now you are posting a thread about finally deigning this colleague of yours with an iota of your attention, only to find out that she moved on, which is mind-blowing to you. 

If how you speak here on ENA is how you behave towards other people, and I expect it is, then it is no wonder you have difficulty in your social and romantic life. You’re always looking down on others, trying to find some logical explanation as to why you were skipped over, and when you cannot come up with an answer that doesn’t lead back to you as the cause then you justify it by calling into question the other person’s character or making it some other person’s fault. 

If I were you, I would seek the help of an appropriately trained and qualified therapist to help you learn about and understand yourself better, so that you may go out into the world and have more success and happiness in life. Everyone deserves to be happy and to have the opportunity to engage in relationships (romantic, familial, platonic, professional, etc.) that brings them joy and/or genuine satisfaction. You tend to get in your own way, put people offside, then focus on how you’re the victim or circumstance, instead of looking at the part you played in creating a dynamic that leaves you unhappy and unfulfilled. 

If you keep doing the same thing then you’re going to keep getting the same result. So, do something different. And try to be more pleasant.

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23 minutes ago, That36guy said:

It wasn’t anything too wild like furniture being trashed, people getting laid all over, and everyone bouncing all over the walls.

This scenario is more like drunk highschool kids gone wild. Or an out-of-control frat party. In other words, you're imagining the most over-the-top situation when most parties don't get quite that insane. After maybe the first year of university, I never went to a party that spiralled that badly. 

Will be people be drinking? Yes. Might there be drugs? Possible, but not a given. Probably chatting, listening to music, drunken dance moves, laughing, maybe some drinking games, maybe a couple people sneaking off to hook up. Someone might puke. Typical party stuff. 

 

Edited by MissCanuck
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