Jump to content

I can't deal with this anymore.


That36guy
 Share

Recommended Posts

For the past few months, I've had this co-worker who's had an unrequited crush on me. She's liked me for a while, but I simply never returned the feelings up until recently. I don't know how to explain it, but there was just one day a couple of weeks ago where I noticed that she looked really nice (even though she didn't appear to change her appearance very much) and I've been contemplating warming up to her and giving her a chance. It took a lot of pacing back and forth and working up my nerves, but yesterday after work, I finally did it: I asked her out. This was my first time ever asking out a woman...and I failed.

Not only did she reject me, but she told me that she's seeing another co-worker of ours. I found out who it was and it's this guy who usually hangs out in her little social group outside of work. This group's ringleader is a woman whom I have history with, in the sense that I was upset with her not inviting me to her party last month. This entire social group all works here at this job and they're all filled with people in their early twenties who engage in high school level drama, like who's sleeping with who, who's cheating, who wants to hook up, etc.

I was upset by the rejection and I immediately went home and decided to look up another option to ask out, a woman who use to come into my store shopping so that she can stop by and say hi to me. I know for a fact that she would come in to get my attention, but I never made a move and I found out in May that she had started dating this guy named Kyle. There was a brief period of time recently when I saw that she had removed his name from her Instagram bio and I had my hopes up that they had already broken up, but yesterday not only did I see his name back in her bio, but I saw his Instagram had uploaded a picture of the two of them at a local lake together, the picture being uploaded just a few short hours ago.

I'm going to be single forever. After this rejection and news regarding Kyle and my old crush, I just got in my car and did some contemplative driving around town, but then I just pulled into a parking lot and cried my eyes out while listening to "Ridin' Roads" by Dustin Lynch on repeat. That was apparently the favorite song of the crush who's now with Kyle. Everytime I appear to make some progress, some other guy seemingly just comes out of nowhere and steals whatever girl I'm interested in. I'm not on the verge of just giving up dating for good and accepting a lonely life. What's worse is that at least one of my close friends appears to be making headway with a woman that he knows. I can't do this anymore. What should I do?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'd stop viewing any potential date as THE ONLY possible date in the world.

It's a needle in the haystack thing. Most people are NOT our match.

You set yourself up badly by trying to dip into the company pool, especially when you already know what kind of juvenile climate it is.

You set yourself up badly by raising your hopes for someone who's already got a BF, or if not, would be so recently broken up that there'd be a chance that she's still hung up on him.

Why not use online dating apps to set up 'quick meets' over coffee with MULTIPLE people over the course of your next few weeks on your way home from work.

These are not dates. They're a coffee to check one another out. Agree that neither can corner the other on the spot for a real date, but either can invite the other afterward by message. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary.

This takes buildup, fantasy, rejection and all kinds of unhealthy stuff off the table, and it just allows you to do a one-at-a-time speed meet to eventually stumble across someone you click with.

Don't catastrophize--you'll make yourself miserable for zero payoff.

Head high, and consider rejection odds as natural and universal. We all go through it.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

13 hours ago, That36guy said:

I'm not on the verge of just giving up dating for good and accepting a lonely life. What's worse is that at least one of my close friends appears to be making headway with a woman that he knows. I can't do this anymore. What should I do?

So, OP, in reply to your "what should I do, you have received a vast amount of excellent advice on all your threads, advice that you generally reject.  And I endorse Cat's advice above. 

As an aside, you should be pleased for your close friend who seems to be moving forward on the dating front. 

13 hours ago, That36guy said:

Every time I appear to make some progress, some other guy seemingly just comes out of nowhere and steals whatever girl I'm interested in.

You need to stop this catastrophising, at once, OP.  And the reason you are not making headway is your pathological fear of rejection, which you have mentioned multiple times on your other threads.  You need to change your mindset and address your (unfounded) fears and that hair trigger anger you often manifest.

Btw this world is a very competitive place and you need to strike while the iron is hot, as in, stop hovering and ask a girl outright for a date.  No guy is stealing anything from you. It is you who do not step up in time. 

Stop ruminating over the girl who is with Kyle.  There are other girls out there.  But I remember you said on other occasions that you need to be SURE a girl likes you before you can get up the courage to ask her out.  There are no certainties, OP. 

You are now 25, your life ahead of you, and since you did ask "what should I do" then I would advise getting a new life, in the sense of getting entirely new interests and leisure pursuits in keeping with your age.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with the above.  When I was 25 I started grad school -on my 25th birthday.  With lots of other 20  somethings.  The head of school addressed us -he said look to your left, look to your right - you might be looking at your future spouse.  Later that day, one of my male classmates laughed -lightheartedly -when one of my female classmates fell on her behind as she tried to sit down on a nonexistent chair.  She was totally fine but embarrassed and apparently found the guy cute.  They both were dating others at the time outside of our school.  8 months later they were engaged and got married shortly after.  You never know.  

Because I went to grad school and entered the related field I met my future husband.  We were both in our late 20s.  It was my 6th week of work and his first day, Halloween actually. We had a welcome breakfast in a huge conference room for the newbies -including him.  No internet then but they'd sent us bios of the newbies and I knew he knew no one because he hadn't been in the same summer internship class as others starting.  He'd also grown up not far from me.  So.  I crossed the large conference room and all I said was something like hi, welcome. He was so shy and I wanted him to feel comfortable since he didn't know anyone.  We spoke for about 5 minutes.  We didn't work on the same floor or in the same department.  I was dating someone at the time (not at work).  

Oh and if you want to lambaste me for repeating myself in the second paragraph just know you keep pounding the pity party drum ad nauseum.  Those two examples are perfect examples of how people meet and I can tell you for sure none of the 4 people had catastrophic dramatic thinking or pronouncements like you or else they would never had seized the moment.  It takes courage, reasonable self confidence and a sense that even though life isn't fair, you have grit and you're gonna do your best and give it your all.

My 12 year old son randomly shared with me what he will look for in a spouse when it's time. He shared this yesterday. Other than he doesn't want someone athletic he made no mention of looks (he's really cute/handsome, I'm hopelessly biased but i've seen girls check him out and "flirt" with him).  His list was all about character and intelligence and he focused on wanting someone with a positive attitude and someone who cared about him not out of obligation but from the heart.

Good luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good for you for asking a girl out finally! That's a great positive step.

So, she didn't reject you. She just had liked you for a long time, realized you didn't like her back and chose to be realistic and go out with someone else.

You seem to tend to try for girls you think like you even if you're not particularly interested, I guess to "up" your chances. But you wait too long, months go by and no girl is going to wait that long for you when you show zero interest in her.

So next time you like someone, ask her out. Don't wait months and months. And it's ok if someone says no thank you. We have all had that happen and survived. 

  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

17 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Well that will learn ya....don't pass on opportunity or someone else will swoop in.

Smackie makes a great point... people may like you and want to date you but someone giving  them attention, setting up dates and basically following through is going to win out over waiting for some other person to make a move. 

It's not who's the better guy. It's who is making himself clear versus who is playing a game.

because regardless of your intent, if that is unclear to the other person, you are playing games. 

If a person is a good catch, that wants a relationship, they're going to go for "real". 

As it's been you're not keeping it real or even being real.   you are acting like a male version of a Debbie Downer.

What should you do now?  Forget all those other women.  Find a new one. Start fresh. Don't delay and him-haw around. ask her out for a drink or a coffee or ice cream or whatever. 

Hopefully you get the lesson in all this. stop making excuses and start acting.

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 minutes ago, Lambert said:

It's not who's the better guy.

Well this guy whom she’s with now is involved in all sorts of childish drama that’s permeating the workplace. He’s going to get her in tons of trouble sooner than later.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Few years ago I liked this girl. She was really cute, we hanged out and she even had a cute nickname for me. Think she even dropped hints that she wants me to ask her out. But I had my hesitations, she was my friends sister for one, my life at the time was a mess, was between stuff and had other priorities, even wondered what I have to offer to her who was an architect with her life pretty much in order. So I never did it. Few months later she met some random guy, he knocked her out and they are still together to this day. Anyway, the point is, I really cant blame her, or the guy. Because I maybe had a shot and didnt take it. I can only blame myself. So, look at it as a lesson. Dont hesitate next time. 

Also, “don't cry over spilled milk”. You took a shot, she has a boyfriend and said "No". Its hardly a reason to cry over. I am sure there will be another opportunity with some different girl. Who would also say "No". And another with some girl that would say "Yes". Thats life. Most prolific guy I know(in terms that he had many women) couldnt succeed with everyone. Because its impossible. Someone will always say "No". Whats important is that you pull forward. Meaning that next time you also ask, and next time, and next time. Until you see someone say "Yes". 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 minutes ago, That36guy said:

Well this guy whom she’s with now is involved in all sorts of childish drama that’s permeating the workplace. He’s going to get her in tons of trouble sooner than later.

So what?  Not your problem so ignore it.

Okay so you finally asked out a woman, a woman I might add you thought would be a slam dunk. In my eyes you went the safe route but at least you actually asked her out.  That is a huge step for you and since you are here posting we all can assume you didn't die from the rejection.  Is this the ghost of That36Guy or is it really you??? 😁

  Rejection sucks but as you can see it wasn't fatal so next time it should be easier.  Expand your pool of women beyond work and make your move much sooner as has been suggested.

This isn't the end, it is just the beginning.

Lost

 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 minutes ago, That36guy said:

this guy whom she’s with now is involved in all sorts of childish drama that’s permeating the workplace. He’s going to get her in tons of trouble sooner than later.

This is NOT the point OP! Stop fixating on him, her and the childish drama.

What is far more important here is that question of yours: "what should I do".  And we are telling you!

25 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Forget all those other women.  Find a new one. Start fresh. Don't delay and him-haw around. ask her out for a drink or a coffee or ice cream or whatever. 

Hopefully you get the lesson in all this. stop making excuses and start acting.

 

3 hours ago, LaHermes said:

You are now 25, your life ahead of you, and since you did ask "what should I do" then I would advise getting a new life, in the sense of getting entirely new interests and leisure pursuits in keeping with your age.

And I am repeating my advice.

And btw do you ever talk to your sister (you mentioned her a few times) or maybe even go out with her or her gfs.  bGood practice for you to be in female company.

 

Edited by LaHermes
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Also, now you know your "wait for the girl to ask" approach doesn't work. Letting a few months go by is a bad idea.

Next time, talk to the girl a couple of times and if you still like her ask her out! Not a few months later but right away.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

And btw do you ever talk to your sister (you mentioned her a few times) or maybe even go out with her or her gfs.

I don't hang out with my sister and her friends because I don't like being surrounded by a bunch of screaming Instagram posers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

34 minutes ago, That36guy said:

I don't hang out with my sister and her friends because I don't like being surrounded by a bunch of screaming Instagram posers.

Some judgment there lol.   And I didn't say "hang out" with them, but maybe talk to them from time to time. But, of course, your lordship would be away above all that. L.

I think your sister is able to read you like a book.

I'll say this again:

 

50 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

You are now 25, your life ahead of you, and since you did ask "what should I do" then I would advise getting a new life, in the sense of getting entirely new interests and leisure pursuits in keeping with your age.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey, OP. 

Congratulations on putting yourself out there. Many would not ask her on a date, but you did. The "rejection" only communicates that she declined your date. There was ample reason to deny your date offer which does not speak to anything she does not like about you: that is, she is with someone else. 

You do have things to work on, but she did not decline the date because of any of those flaws. Honestly, all that happened here is that you asked someone on a date and she declined because she is seeing someone else.

It seems like the problem is that you put so much stake in one or two potential dates and then delay for a long time because you are scared of them not being interested in you. But oh well - so what? If that happens, you are back at the status quo. 

Moving forward, there are ways to increase your chances of success. Look for the next time someone shows interest in you by doing a number of the following things: smiling at you often, laughing at your jokes (even if they are lame), finding excuses to touch your arm, initiating conversation, and etc. Then, if you are interested in them too, do not delay: ask them out for coffee, drinks, lunch, etc. Do this and it will be very unlikely that you will be single forever.

(Reminder worth repeating: Kyle's girl is never going to date you, even if she later becomes single. You really burned that bridge, big time. Best to leave her alone and move on from that one). 

--

Hope this helps.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Is this the way you talk to or about people in the real world?

Do you even need to ask PDN?! Just thinking of the brawl in the takeaway joint with the guys who have been his friends for years.  Just one example. 

We've said it before on here, OP, and saying it again.

You seriously need to address your anger issues, your pathological fear of rejection, and your self-confessed lack of confidence. What are you going to do about these issues.

 

Edited by LaHermes
Link to comment
Share on other sites

52 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Is this the way you talk to or about people in the real world?

Judging by his earlier thread about the way he verbally attacked this girl who is now dating Kyle? Yes, he talks to people like that in the real world too. 

OP, you really need to practice interacting with women. You seem to have such little confidence and such a massive chip on your shoulder that you shoot yourself in the foot every time. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Judging by his earlier thread about the way he verbally attacked this girl who is now dating Kyle? Yes, he talks to people like that in the real world too. 

OP, you really need to practice interacting with women. You seem to have such little confidence and such a massive chip on your shoulder that you shoot yourself in the foot every time. 

 

I'm gonna be going back to college in a month and I'm also looking for a new job. I can only hope for new opportunities at those places.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

You seem to have such little confidence and such a massive chip on your shoulder that you shoot yourself in the foot every time. 

 

There may well be "new opportunities" in those places.  But that will be of little use if you do not change your behaviour, address your anger issues, and remove that massive chip on your shoulder.  You are destined to failure if you do not deal with these aspects FIRST.

There is a saying: "Wherever you go, there you are."  College, the new workplace, none of these can make those all so necessary changes in yourself. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, That36guy said:

I'm gonna be going back to college in a month and I'm also looking for a new job. I can only hope for new opportunities at those places.

Ok! So, when you see a cute girl you like, approach her in a friendly way as soon as you can (NOT 4 months later!) Ask her name, what she's studying, what she thinks about the class and the professor. Then say something like "Want to continue this conversation over a coffee?" If she says she has a boyfriend don't get depressed or verbally abusive. Just say "Well, he's a lucky guy". And then go on with your day. No harm, no foul, it happens to everyone. But...she might say "Sure, sounds good!"

And forget about your "wait for her to ask" or "why should I have to ask, why can't she ask me??" approach. That doesn't work as you've seen.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

There may well be "new opportunities" in those places.  But that will be of little use if you do not change your behaviour, address your anger issues, and remove that massive chip on your shoulder.  You are destined to failure if you do not deal with these aspects FIRST.

Exactly. 

You need to be more proactive about your underlying issues, OP. It won't matter how many opportunities you are if you don't. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you tried the dating sites?

These are only two women, there is a huge amount of women in the this world, and someone who will suit you.

The trick is to find her. And to find the right one, is a difficult task for anyone.

But you won't find her feeling sorry for yourself, or giving up.

You have to have a thicker skin than this, and to expect that you may go on dates, and it may not turn out.

No need to have a break down over it. Just move on, and try again.

I think anyone who is trying to find a partner will tell you, that it's not easy.

Get yourself out there. 

I say dating sites, because the women on there are specifically looking for a date.

Where as any other women you may run into, might not be looking, or may already have a partner or someone in mind.

Don't expect to find "the one"...straight away. Date, but give it time and don't jump head first into it or consider it serious, until at least 6 months into dating the same person.

But don't give up. You can find the right one, it just takes time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, That36guy said:

I don't hang out with my sister and her friends because I don't like being surrounded by a bunch of screaming Instagram posers.

Dude really?  Young women your age act like that when they are all together but alone they probably don't.  Plus you need all the experience you can get interacting with women so you will relax and learn how to talk to them.

You seem determined to make this as hard on yourself as possible and I can't figure out why. 

Relax, stop being so judgemental and get to know women.  They are pretty awesome people with a lot to offer in conversation, intellect, ideas, new experiences and interests even if you aren't romantically or sexually interested in them.

  Lost

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, That36guy said:

I don't hang out with my sister and her friends because I don't like being surrounded by a bunch of screaming Instagram posers.

You can always give them a chance, they can just post pictures for fun, nothing wrong with that 🙂 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • Why You Should NEVER Chase Your Ex
      You should NEVER chase your ex, no matter what... even if you want to get back together. In this video, I’ll explain what exactly I mean by that… and why it’s so important if you want your ex back. Here's the simple truth: if you DO want to give yourself the best possible chance of starting over with your ex, you simply CANNOT let yourself start chasing them… it just doesn’t work, even though it’s the natural human reaction to a breakup and often feels like the right way to get them back. Even if you DON'T want your ex back, you still shouldn't let yourself chase after them. Watch the full video to find out why...

       
      • 0 replies
    • How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩
      How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩... In this dating advice video, I will explain to you how to know she’s the one and give you five signs she’s the one as well as give you one red flag that you need to look out for. You may want to know whether she’s the one on first dates, online dating, or somewhere in the dating process. Take heed to these dating tips and be sure to watch the entire video.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Odd Signs You're Seeking Approval from Others Outside of Yourself
      In this YouTube Video, Lisa A Romano discusses 5 signs that indicate you're still seeking approval from others outside of you. If you are codependent, and you struggle with self-love, you may not realize the signs you're seeking approval from others. Childhood trauma and emotional neglect lead to a sense of feeling unseen. If you feel unseen, you may seek approval in odd ways. It may not be obvious when you are looking for validation from others. In this video, Lisa A Romano breaks down these 5 signs, and what they mean; hypervigilance, neediness, low self-worth, never feeling fulfilled and what it means when you become a perpetual seeker.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 3 Simple Strategies To Ditch The Imposter Syndrome
      Have you ever felt like you're a fraud who doesn't belong? According to a recent article published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science, seven in every ten people have or will experience impostor syndrome at some point in their lives. We couldn't see our tribe suffering from this anymore, so we brought in the person who'll help you ditch this feeling for good. In this video, peak performance expert Shadé Zahrai joins Vishen to discuss how to supercharge your life and improve your self-esteem by constructing your own reality, leveraging your self-awareness, and regaining control over your inner critic

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Things People Who’ve Been Mentally Abused Do
      Do you know how common mental abuse is? According to The National Center for Biotechnology Information, 80 percent of the population has experienced some form of abusive relationship and behavior. However, despite how frequent it is, emotional abuse is still hard to spot. Unlike physical abuse, mental abuse doesn’t leave any visible scars; instead, it affects someone’s behavior, mindset, and mentality. This means some people deny they’ve been mentally abused, and others may not even recognize the toxic behavior. So, whether you’re reading this to be able to recognize emotional abuse in others or recognize it in yourself, these a few things people who’ve been mentally abused do are sure to help you be more empathetic and kinder.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...