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So a toxic ex keeps popping into my mind. It was a poor relationship that I stayed in too long, which I realize was my fault and my one regret is not walking away sooner. It’s been over a year since I’ve seen him, and I feel indifferent to the guy. We aren’t connected on social media and I feel really happy with my life. I shed everything that was a reminder of our time quite a while back and I have since moved on to a loving, healthy relationship.
 

So why does he keep circling through my thoughts then? And how do I make it stop? 
 

If there is some lingering healing to do, what do I need to do to heal?

Edited by Komerebi
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Is possible you are still 'affected' by being involved with a 'toxic' person 😕 .

Do you feel it was okay to move on already? ( as it's only been about a year) .. Were you two long term? - I guess it doesn't really matter, since, even short term w/ a toxic will leave after effects!

Normally, all BU's take some time to 'heal'..accept, work through all of the emotions, etc.

Not sure how to make it 'stop', as it's all in your mind now.. you were involved with them.

IF it's causing some really negative effects, consider some prof help - therapy.  Maybe you need someone to 'vent on' and work through all that's going on in there?

 

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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This can happen so don't be alarmed by it that much. Just regroup and shift gears.

Yes, I agree with the above.

Please don't worry about this unless it's affecting your relationship with your partner. You're struggling too much. Let it be and let it pass. I'm glad you're happy. 

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My toxic ex crosses my mind to this day and we broke up in 2009.

I have trouble forgiving myself for the way I behaved in that relationship. I was willing to do anything, anything at all try to get that awful guy to love me. I humiliated and shamed myself for him. And sadly, HE broke up with ME. I didn't even have enough self esteem to leave him.

I think that's why I still think about it. And it's why I post on this forum.

We need to learn to forgive ourselves. It's ok for us to have made bad decisions in the past. But we won't do that anymore, will we?

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Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My toxic ex crosses my mind to this day and we broke up in 2009.

I have trouble forgiving myself for the way I behaved in that relationship. I was willing to do anything, anything at all try to get that awful guy to love me. I humiliated and shamed myself for him. And sadly, HE broke up with ME. I didn't even have enough self esteem to leave him.

I think that's why I still think about it. And it's why I post on this forum.

We need to learn to forgive ourselves. It's ok for us to have made bad decisions in the past. But we won't do that anymore, will we?

This resonates with me on such a level I feel I could have written. The last 10% of the closure I need has nothing to do with the guy, and everything to do with me forgiving myself for getting stuck in something so empty. 
 

I feel tired of the past coming to mind and am ready to do that last bit of letting go. I just have been struggling with how and getting frustrated. 
 

I think the comment above from SooSad33 has the advice I know I need to take - probably just need a few more sessions with my old therapist. 

Edited by Komerebi
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9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

This can happen so don't be alarmed by it that much. Just regroup and shift gears.

Yes, I agree with this. OP, I've been there too. The ex from my penultimate relationship (which took place in 2015) appeared in my dreams even through this year. 

The moment I stopped seeing it as a problem and more as something that happens occasionally because it was an intense relationship - is when the dreams, thoughts, and ruminations started to lose their power. 

I think this is a good idea, though, to help you work through any unresolved pain that may be lingering:

Quote

 probably just need a few more sessions with my old therapist. 

 

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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On 7/19/2021 at 10:33 AM, Komerebi said:

I stayed in too long, which I realize was my fault and my one regret is not walking away sooner.

Well, this can tell you a lot. You may notice that the thoughts pop up whenever you're contemplating future plans or a timeline or a birthday or anything that has to do with time--because the time spent with that guy is time you can't get back.

Another factor could be fear of making a mistake. If you're feeling stressed, you may ruminate over this guy because you consider him a mistake you wish that you didn't make.

All of this is natural, and it will likely fade in time after you feel more confident and secure in your future path. Until then, I'd focus on shifting the thoughts to less about him, and more about the growth you've gained SINCE him.

This can enable a degree of self-forgiveness because you're minimizing HIS importance in the scheme of things and addressing, instead, the central issue--YOU and your ability and willingness to appreciate how mistakes can grow us into better and happier people IF we can accept them as learning devices rather than failures.

Head high, and congrats on the path you've earned. Keep on making it better, and as you do, you'll enjoy more liberation from the distraction of whatshisname. 

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