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Fiance's daughter & boyfriend overstaying their welcome.


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Hello. I hope this is the correct forum to post this. 

My fiance' & I live in seperate homes five minutes away from each other in the same town.

For the last few weeks her daughter, boyfiend & baby have been living with her & her two younger daughters.

They do not contribute at all apart from a few pounds when the daughter gets benefits. They had to leave their previous home

because of problems with drug gangs. They both smoke a lot of dope although not in my fiance's home. My fiance is a lovely.

generous woman but also quite tough when needs be. Anyway things are taking their toll now & stress levels are high there.

She had an argument with the boyfriend about babysitting & he apparently "lost it" & blew his top. She came to stay with me

the next day to have a breather (It's not possible for her & the younger girs to live with me as my house is not big enough).

The next day the boyfriend was acting like nothing had happened!!

I told her to give them a date to leave by & I spoke to the daughter & she said they would leave as soon as possible.

The boyfriend isn't violent (as yet anyway)but I feel like having a little word with him but it's not really my business & it

could make things more tense.

Any advice please?

 

 

 

Edited by Monmouth
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36 minutes ago, Monmouth said:

They had to leave their previous home because of problems with drug gangs

Do they owe someone money for drugs, or?

This situation is a powder keg. Unsafe for everyone, especially the innocent baby who gets no choice at all. Your fiancee needs to be the one to tell them to leave, and stick to that date. You having a word with the boyfriend is likely to make things worse, though I certainly understand your desire to set this young punk straight. 

Do you think your fiancee has it in her to stand up to them?

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 Thank you for your reply.

Oh yes she can be a tough lady but it is her daughter & grandaughter & at the moment they have nowhere to go. As far as I know they don't owe money for drugs but they were threatened at their previous place (I'm not sure why) & they had to leave.

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8 minutes ago, Monmouth said:

As far as I know they don't owe money for drugs but they were threatened at their previous place (I'm not sure why)

The primary reason why drug dealers threaten random people is because they owe them money for drugs, OP.

Either that or your fiancee's daughter and her boyfriend are a lot more involved in the drug scene than you realize and have pissed off the wrong people. I would be extremely concerned that they felt so threatened that they had to move. There is more to that story, without a doubt. I understand your fiancee wants to give her grandchild a safe place to live, but it's a significant risk to everyone's safety to have these two in her home. I hope it is far away enough from where they used to live and that they're not moving in the same circles, so these angry drug dealers don't figure out where they live now. Don't put it past people like these to come banging down fiancee's door someday, looking for them. 

I would stress that to your fiancee as well, if she hasn't already considered the safety risk to herself and her other children. Do the daughter and her boyfriend work? Where is the baby when they're off smoking dope? If they aren't really looking for a way to stand on their own four feet and instead relying on Grandma to take care of them, well, only your fiancee can decide when enough is enough. 

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1 hour ago, Monmouth said:

 I feel like having a little word with him but it's not really my business & it could make things more tense.

Agree. Your GF is merely venting and looking for support.

It's her house, her daughter and her granddaughter. It is also her idea to shelter them.

Stay out of it. Your GF will have to decide for herself if putting her daughter and granddaughter on the street is what she wants.

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Daughter and family need to contact social services for some help in getting a place of their own to live in.  Your GF could make the initial phone call and get the ball rolling if daughter won't.  

If it's as bad as you say the children's aid may end up involved because of the kids.

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I would focus your support on your fiancé. meaning listen and offer emotional support to her.

It is up to her to handle and discuss. Offer to be on the premises when she has the talk. If she feels it could get physical. 

She can't abandon her house and leave them in it. That is not right. 

In your shoes-

I probably would ask her how she feels about the dope smoking and the care of the granddaughter. the daughter is not able to care for the baby and that is a problem. A very serious one.  As an adult in this situation that child needs protection. 

The key here is asking. These are not your children or house.  So I would try to remember my place.

Maybe they need to leave, maybe the boyfriend needs to leave. maybe the child needs taken from the parents.

She has to focus on the welfare of the children living with her and the grand baby.

The drugs even just pot is probably a cover for other problems.  Get on the same page for you two and then be a support.

You're engaged.  Maybe it's time to sell your separate homes and get one together.  Then they can be forced out and you'll have more of a say because it's your house, too.

Make sure this situation sits well with you before you sell your house and marry her.  

 

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Its not really your battle. 

The only thing you can do is observe if your fiance is good with boundaries - and if she can never resolve this situation, don't get married, because they will only end up living with you, also.  Set your own boundary that they are not allowed in your home, but also do not let your fiancee "run away to live with you" particularly because she has two younger daughters that she should stay in the house for.  I can't believe that she has left her younger daughters to fend for herself with them.

Don't tell her what to do - see how she resolves this and that will be very telling on whether you decide you want to move forward with marriage, because when you marry, the whole family is included. 

Keep in mind that its not just her kid and their SO, its the grandchild that she feels responsibility to.There could be a lot of ways -- getting guardianship of the baby while the adults live their pot-infused life, kicking them all out, helping them get into rehab or their own place -- while protecting the other daughters.

 

how old are the younger daughters? If they are minors and she left them there, that's a huge issue. Be someone in her corner coaxing her to go back into the ring, vs letting her hide.

 

 

 

Edited by abitbroken
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6 hours ago, abitbroken said:

Its not really your battle. 

The only thing you can do is observe if your fiance is good with boundaries - and if she can never resolve this situation, don't get married, because they will only end up living with you, also.  Set your own boundary that they are not allowed in your home, but also do not let your fiancee "run away to live with you" particularly because she has two younger daughters that she should stay in the house for.  I can't believe that she has left her younger daughters to fend for herself with them.

Don't tell her what to do - see how she resolves this and that will be very telling on whether you decide you want to move forward with marriage, because when you marry, the whole family is included. 

Keep in mind that its not just her kid and their SO, its the grandchild that she feels responsibility to.There could be a lot of ways -- getting guardianship of the baby while the adults live their pot-infused life, kicking them all out, helping them get into rehab or their own place -- while protecting the other daughters.

 

how old are the younger daughters? If they are minors and she left them there, that's a huge issue. Be someone in her corner coaxing her to go back into the ring, vs letting her hide.

 

 

 

She didn't leave the younger ones ( 19 & 12 years old) to fend for themselves. She came to my place for a day to get a breather because apart from the youngest girl everybody else there was giving her a hard time. She was back home by 7pm.

Things appear to have calmed down & the girls father (my fiance's ex) is trying to help them find a place of their own. Hopefully soon this will be sorted out. The biggest bugbear for me was the attitude of the eldest girl & her hopeless boyfriend. The sooner they go the better!

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21 minutes ago, Monmouth said:

The biggest bugbear for me was the attitude of the eldest girl & her hopeless boyfriend. The sooner they go the better!

Of course. 

I asked before but maybe it got lost in the other posts - do these two have jobs?

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5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Of course. 

I asked before but maybe it got lost in the other posts - do these two have jobs?

 He has applied for a couple of jobs & one of his friends is supposedly sorting him out a job locally. The daughter gets Universal Credit benefits.

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On 7/19/2021 at 8:35 AM, Monmouth said:

They had to leave their previous home because of problems with drug gangs.

Keeping it simple, OP, the entire matter should be in the hands of the authorities.  A consultation with a social worker would be advisable.  The question is how did matters reach such a pitch that this individual is unemployed (or unemployable?) , that drug gangs came into the picture (a matter for the police) and the overall irresponsibility I am seeing here. 

I feel for your fiancée, and she should not have to be in this position. 

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4 hours ago, Monmouth said:

 He has applied for a couple of jobs & one of his friends is supposedly sorting him out a job locally. The daughter gets Universal Credit benefits.

I don't know what this is, but I am assuming some sort of social assistance. 

As for the boyfriend, did he work before they moved?

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Yes, Ms. Canuck, in the U.K. it is a benefit. The U.K. government not so long ago lumped a raft of other benefits  under this one banner.

These:

Universal Credit is replacing the following benefits:

Child Tax Credit

Housing Benefit

Income Support

income-based Jobseeker’s Allowance (JSA)

income-related Employment and Support Allowance (ESA)

Working Tax Credit

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5 hours ago, Monmouth said:

The daughter gets Universal Credit benefits.

Excellent. Between government aid and help from the the father, it's fine if your GF offers some temporary shelter so her grandchild is not on the street.

The BF seems like a loser but your GF's daughter picked him and he's the father of your GF's grandchild.

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I'm not trying to be rude at all, but you need to stay out of it.

It's not your place.

This is her daughter, she is going to have to decide if she and her boyfriend can be there, or not..and how to tell them.

You can be a listening ear, and give her advice(if asked)..but DO NOT pressure her, and DO NOT interfere. 

It is not your child and it is not up to you.

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On 7/19/2021 at 9:43 AM, MissCanuck said:

Either that or your fiancee's daughter and her boyfriend are a lot more involved in the drug scene than you realize and have pissed off the wrong people. I would be extremely concerned that they felt so threatened that they had to move. There is more to that story, without a doubt. I understand your fiancee wants to give her grandchild a safe place to live, but it's a significant risk to everyone's safety to have these two in her home

Precisely, Ms. C. Drug gangs don't care who pays the money owing to them, provided it is paid. 

And Abit is quite right:

18 hours ago, abitbroken said:

There could be a lot of ways -- getting guardianship of the baby while the adults live their pot-infused life, kicking them all out, helping them get into rehab or their own place -- while protecting the other daughters.

 

On 7/19/2021 at 2:53 PM, Lambert said:

You're engaged.  Maybe it's time to sell your separate homes and get one together.  Then they can be forced out and you'll have more of a say because it's your house, too.

Make sure this situation sits well with you before you sell your house and marry her.  

I agree, Lambert. Without some kind of intervention from the authorities this situation will simply get worse.  And employers are going to be looking for some kind of reference for the BF, maybe a background check.  Unless he intends to work in the black economy.

 

 

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7 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Precisely, Ms. C. Drug gangs don't care who pays the money owing to them, provided it is paid. 

Yes, this would be a major concern for me. 

My partner is a lawyer and has worked with clients who owed drug money, but when the dealers figured out where their families lived? Golden. They simply turned their threats against totally innocent family members instead, knowing that this will usually freak out the debtor enough to find a way to cough up the money. Debtor won't pay? Okay, they'll threaten to hurt dear ol' mom or dad instead. I know this has been exactly the situation in a couple of cases my partner's worked. 

These people were afraid enough to move out of their house. I don't think this was some minor beef, nor a one-time threat. 

It's a signficant risk, OP, and I do hope you fiancee isn't naive about such things. I know she wants to protect her daughter and grandchild but she also needs to think about the risk that comes with having them under her roof for any length of time. Please do be careful. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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I would consider suggesting to GF that money talks.

If she wants them out by a certain day, she can offer to subsidize the first month, last month and security deposit on a new place then decrease her subsidy by a percentage over x months to get them out--without conflict.

However, 'without conflict' is the key. If there's another argument or trouble before that time, the offer is off the table and they'll still need to leave, but without the financial help.

An expensive solution, but it's a solution. 

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On 7/19/2021 at 3:35 AM, Monmouth said:

Hello. I hope this is the correct forum to post this. 

My fiance' & I live in seperate homes five minutes away from each other in the same town.

For the last few weeks her daughter, boyfiend & baby have been living with her & her two younger daughters.

They do not contribute at all apart from a few pounds when the daughter gets benefits. They had to leave their previous home

because of problems with drug gangs. They both smoke a lot of dope although not in my fiance's home. My fiance is a lovely.

generous woman but also quite tough when needs be. Anyway things are taking their toll now & stress levels are high there.

She had an argument with the boyfriend about babysitting & he apparently "lost it" & blew his top. She came to stay with me

the next day to have a breather (It's not possible for her & the younger girs to live with me as my house is not big enough).

The next day the boyfriend was acting like nothing had happened!!

I told her to give them a date to leave by & I spoke to the daughter & she said they would leave as soon as possible.

The boyfriend isn't violent (as yet anyway)but I feel like having a little word with him but it's not really my business & it

could make things more tense.

Any advice please?

 

 

 

I think this post is way too vague to give you any sound advice other than, try to find a way to stay neutral and uninvolved. Here are my thoughts:

-The drug related stuff…unless they are dealing, leaving a home due to drug gangs related to weed doesn’t make sense. If they don’t have much money, they can’t be buying much weed. And no one is going to front them enough weed with no payment for gangs to become involved. This all just doesn’t add up. If they are adults, and mom knows they smoke, and still chose to let them come stay, and they don’t smoke in her house…I really don’t know what the issue is there?? You can’t invite a smoker into your home and then complain when they smoke outside your home.

-The boyfriend “”lost it” & blew his top”…again, pretty vague. We don’t know your fiancé nor the boyfriend so it’s hard to place blame at all here. We all lose it sometimes, we’re human, and this is a lot of people under one roof. Friction is likely, but again, mom agreed to this situation so now she has to navigate it. Maybe you could help us get a more clear picture of mom/fiancé’s and boyfriend’s personalities? 

Overall this just sounds like not the best situation for everyone involved, so instead of pointing fingers and blame shifting, why not sit down with boyfriend and daughter and help them make a real plan for becoming independent? 

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I don't think the drug gangs are related to "weed". Drug gangs deal in far more dangerous stuff, and heaven help you if you tangle with them, for whatever reason. These people did not have to cut and run because of some weed. 

17 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

My partner is a lawyer and has worked with clients who owed drug money, but when the dealers figured out where their families lived? Golden. They simply turned their threats against totally innocent family members instead, knowing that this will usually freak out the debtor enough to find a way to cough up the money. Debtor won't pay? Okay, they'll threaten to hurt dear ol' mom or dad instead. I know this has been exactly the situation in a couple of cases my partner's worked. 

Ms. C. is quite correct.  

And it may well be that the baby's father is unemployable, and yes such people exist. I don't like the sound of this at all.

I don't know if the OP's fiancée "agreed" to the situation. She probably didn't have much choice when they turned up on her doorstep. 

That baby should not be in the care of two such irresponsible individuals. 

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On 7/20/2021 at 3:04 PM, LaHermes said:

 

 

 

 

On 7/19/2021 at 9:53 AM, Lambert said:

I would focus your support on your fiancé. meaning listen and offer emotional support to her.

It is up to her to handle and discuss. Offer to be on the premises when she has the talk. If she feels it could get physical. 

She can't abandon her house and leave them in it. That is not right. 

 

You're engaged.  Maybe it's time to sell your separate homes and get one together.  Then they can be forced out and you'll have more of a say because it's your house, too.

Make sure this situation sits well with you before you sell your house and marry her.  

 

you should not do so to "fix" her problem. You should only combine households when you have a wedding date and its right for your relationship and the younger daughters - not as a remedy to escape a problem.  Otherwise your big hearted fiance will say "oh its only for a night" when they come live with you.  You guys are not in a situation where you are working against the clock to have a baby --- so take your time so she sorts this out. so don't sell your house.  when is the wedding date? once you marry, its also your problem.  If you do not let her run to your house, she will be forced to put her foot down/deal with it. Shame on her for leaving her two other daughters there to be subjected to that, though. 

 

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