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susanhelp
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4 minutes ago, susanhelp said:

He has been a gentleman since I met him I was thinks he is insecure 

He might be insecure - and the problem is he is reacting by joking too much in this way while he's away on vacation. Insecure is fine.  Behavior is not.

I have a friend who did something very similar (meaning hypothetically if this guy is with another woman right now) after 2 months of dating, before exclusivity, before sex.  But because there were no cell phones or widespread internet he was able to make excuses as to why he did not call her, able to make excuses as to why there weren't photos of his friend who he said he went with (but he didn't). 

After he returned he became exclusive with the non-vacation woman and ended things with the vacation woman.  I believe she knew something was up and looked the other way and didn't ask too many questions.  I'd advised him against going. 

They've been married almost 20 years now, teenage kids.  Cheating?  I mean not technically but knowing her as I do know (I had only met her one time back then i think if that) - she would never have been ok with him going on that trip.  So yes she might know and she might have decided he was so awesome otherwise she'd be in blissful denial.

If I could have advised his future wife back then I would have told her to clear the air, find out what was going on and take it from there - including that he lied and said he was going with a guy friend.    

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I agree with a lot of what everyone else is saying. 

I would wait for him to return before asking about his behavior.  Texting and long distance calls are not the way to talk through something when you are trying to determine if you actually believe the person.  

2-3 months is not enough time to fall in love and discuss marriage.  People may have strong feelings but it's weird to voice them so early on.  Major red flags to love bombing.  Which is a manipulative technique and usually NOT good.  But it's flattering and we all want the fairy tale.... Try to keep your thoughts and feelings grounded.  

Trust your gut.  If you feel something is off, something is off.  Whether it's him being off or you being off.  You should not have to tell a person dishonesty is a deal breaker.  That should be a given.  If someone lies to me, cheats on me etc. they are automatically out.  Telling someone these things does not stop them from doing them.  Dishonest people are dishonest in many areas of their life.  Have you heard him lie to others?  Has he told you stories of things he has done that are dishonest? 

A cheater or a liar, will often accuse the other person of being a liar and/or a cheat.  Maybe that's why he keeps mentioning your boyfriend as a joke.  This is more than likely not a joke but a test.  The thing about cheaters and liars, is it is so natural to them.  They don't understand people who are not.  So they are super suspicious of everyone.  

Lastly, if you think a person is shady.  they are. That's exactly what that means.  They are doing shady stuff.  Do not excuse bad behavior by saying he is insecure.  He may be but so what.  That's not your problem.

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If you haven't called him out on his "insecurity" and said, "That's a really crass thing to say and I don't find it funny." Then you're sending him the message that your self-worth is so low that he can speak to you like you're a low-life, or that he can question you on things that are none of his business at this point, and that you'll stick around for more of the same.

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2 hours ago, susanhelp said:

Yes he always says it in a joking way like I have someone else with me 

And this flatters you?

You seem to be confusing his sense of humor with a bunch of weird stuff such as he's cheating, he's insecure, etc.

You write as if you barely know him, don't trust him and don't speak the same language as he does, is that the case?.

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Hey, OP. 

I do not think it is weird to try to be alone or in a quiet place for a phone call with one's significant other. 

I do think it is troubling that he is showering you with love, suggestions of marriage, etc. this early. He is pretty clearly "lovebombing" you, which is a bad sign for a new relationship.

Hope this helps.

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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Mentioning marriage in two months, is odd.

You don't know if someone is your match for something as serious as marriage until at least the 6 month mark, but in some cases, closer to a year.

No point in rushing it as divorces are costly and can be long drawn out.

The two things I would wonder, does he speak to you on the phone (in bed), as soon as he is waking up, or falling asleep? Or different times of the day when you can hear other people around him?

If not, then I would be suspicious (but that's just me).

 

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Unfortunately, 

You don't like his communication style.

You don't trust him.

You don't get his weird sense of  humor.

So it seems like you've identified major incompatibilities early on and can cut your losses.

 

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1 hour ago, SherrySher said:

Mentioning marriage in two months, is odd.

You don't know if someone is your match for something as serious as marriage until at least the 6 month mark, but in some cases, closer to a year.

No point in rushing it as divorces are costly and can be long drawn out.

The two things I would wonder, does he speak to you on the phone (in bed), as soon as he is waking up, or falling asleep? Or different times of the day when you can hear other people around him?

If not, then I would be suspicious (but that's just me).

 

Yes I told him to new to talk marriage to me.  While on vacation he is always alone  only texts when he wakes up and in a coffee shop from where he is staying. 

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16 minutes ago, susanhelp said:

Yes I told him to new to talk marriage to me.  While on vacation he is always alone  only texts when he wakes up and in a coffee shop from where he is staying. 

It's difficult to say. 

It's a really new relationship and you're still getting to know who he is.

I think like everyone else has mentioned, all you can do at this point is give him the benefit of the doubt, but keep a watchful eye.

He may just be the type who is a very private person and doesn't want anyone else to hear his private conversations. (which is a good things between you and he).

If you say he behaves like a gentleman and has introduced you to all of his family, then those are good signs.

Maybe just wait it out, spend time with him in person and see how things go when he gets back.

I was under the impression that you hadn't met his family or friends yet, but if they know who you are, then it could just be that he's a private person.

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Little update on the new boyfriend.  So as soon as he got off the plane he called many times and texted. Today he met my mother and the rest of my family.  When I text him he takes forever to reply and no emojis like he usually does.  Again not trying to stress but seems like he is distant. He even told my sister in law that he is taking me away for 2 days on a trip.  I am trying not to stress about this but still unsure of his motive. 

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Well I'm not sure if he's seeing anyone else or not, I think you don't really have enough proof of that. However I think the whole situation kind of seems off to be honest. He acts strange and hot and cold. When you went on your trip he bombarded you with calls and messages which isn't really appropriate. It's OK to text maybe once a day or once every couple of days but it's not necessarily to message constantly when he knows you're away on a holiday.

Also he's already said he wants to marry you and you haven't been dating long. I think that's not really normal unless you're religious or come from a country where marrying quickly is customary. 

Other times he doesn't message you much and seems distant. If he loves you and even wants to marry you then why does he hardly message sometimes? Something doesn't really seem to add up. Personally I would feel suspicious of these kinds of behaviours.

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11 hours ago, susanhelp said:

. He even told my sister in law that he is taking me away for 2 days on a trip.  I am trying not to stress about this but still unsure of his motive. 

What "motive"? Do you see each other in person enough and date regularly?

Why is he telling your extended family all this rather than making an actual plan that you two discuss?

What bothers you so much about him and if you are so suspicious of him, why are you introducing him to your family?

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