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So, three weeks ago, I ordered a product from Amazon and forget to change the shipping address, so my product was shipped to my daughter's address (she lives 3 1/2 hours away). I called her that morning and explained the situation. I asked her if she could ship my package to my home and I would reimburse her for shipping costs. She happily agreed and told me it wasn't a problem. As our conversation continued and she told me that she would be going to court to obtain full custody of her daughter. Then she asked me if I could come and be with her for support. I told her to let me know when it is and I would be there if it was possible. I actually said, "I will do my best." There was a long pause. Suddenly she became upset and told me that my best is not good enough and that I needed to be there no matter what. I reminded her that I am a full time caregiver for my elderly father who is chronically ill and there are a few doctors appointment that he has coming up and he must be there, but I would try to do my best to be there for her. if I am able.  Again, she told me it was not good enough and that I never put her first in my life. I ended the conversation with her and we have not spoken since that day (July 1). It is now July 17 and my package has not arrived. I sent her and her father text messages asking them to ship the package to me and I will gladly reimburse for shipping costs. Still nothing and no response. I let her know her great aunt passed away and received no reply. I don't know what to do now. Any suggestions?

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As for the package, you can contact Amazon and tell them you didn't receive the delivery.  They will ship you another order or refund you.

As for your daughter, why do you think she's under the impression you don't make her a priority?  And why does she not have custody of her child?

ETA Is this the daughter who has anger issues and who was investigated by DHS regarding her son?

Edited by boltnrun
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Boltnrun......yes it's the same one. She has full custody of her daughter -  now a year old. The baby's father has very little to do with her. She almost lost custody of her son, now 10, when she was videotaped threatening to cut her father's throat. She was able to retain custody of her son, but ordered to take anger management classes. As far as why she thinks I don't make her a priority, I can't answer that really. I have my own health issues to deal with and I care for my elderly father who is chronically ill. I do the best I can and travel to her home for birthdays when I am able to find someone to look after my dad. Maybe she expects me to keep my calendar open at all times for her, but I can't do that. I can only do the best I can and told her so.

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23 minutes ago, Sweet Sue said:

she told me that she would be going to court to obtain full custody of her daughter. Then she asked me if I could come and be with her for support.

 

1 minute ago, Sweet Sue said:

She has full custody of her daughter -  now a year old.

I'm confused because these statements contradict each other.  Which child is she going to court to try to obtain full custody of?

It seems like she still doesn't have her anger issues under control if she's acting like this.

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Sorry for the confusion......she is going to court to obtain full and sole custody of her daughter who is a year old and fathered by a man who rarely visits her. I feel bad for her and her attorney assured her that she has made every attempt to involve the father in her life, but he wants no part of it. She asked me if I could come up there and be there for support. I told her to let me know the date and time and that I would 'do my best' to make it - but that wasn't good enough and she told me that I never make her a priority and now she's holding my  package hostage, so I reached out to my ex-husband who lives with her, but nothing. 

I am so bewildered by all of this. 

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Okay....I am sorry to be so confusing. She has custody of her daughter, but has agreed to share custody with the baby's father. However, he has not shown any interest in the visiting his daughter, so my daughter has hired an attorney to obtain full custody of her daughter and revoke his visitation, is my understanding. 

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What is the value of the package?   Do you have any friends where she lives?  If so explain the whole situation to them and ask if they would be willing to go by her house and pick up the package.

If not it might be best to simply order a new item.

She is holding your package hostage and you as well with this guilt trip.  You cannot force anyone to talk to you or like/love you.  It would seem your daughter needs more anger management classes and perhaps how not to be so selfish.

  I would imagine you aren't going to be able to visit your grandchildren either because of this.  The package is the least of your problems with your daughter it would seem.

Lost

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8 hours ago, Sweet Sue said:

So, three weeks ago, I ordered a product from Amazon and forget to change the shipping address, so my product was shipped to my daughter's address (she lives 3 1/2 hours away). I called her that morning and explained the situation. I asked her if she could ship my package to my home and I would reimburse her for shipping costs. She happily agreed and told me it wasn't a problem. As our conversation continued and she told me that she would be going to court to obtain full custody of her daughter. Then she asked me if I could come and be with her for support. I told her to let me know when it is and I would be there if it was possible. I actually said, "I will do my best." There was a long pause. Suddenly she became upset and told me that my best is not good enough and that I needed to be there no matter what. I reminded her that I am a full time caregiver for my elderly father who is chronically ill and there are a few doctors appointment that he has coming up and he must be there, but I would try to do my best to be there for her. if I am able.  Again, she told me it was not good enough and that I never put her first in my life. I ended the conversation with her and we have not spoken since that day (July 1). It is now July 17 and my package has not arrived. I sent her and her father text messages asking them to ship the package to me and I will gladly reimburse for shipping costs. Still nothing and no response. I let her know her great aunt passed away and received no reply. I don't know what to do now. Any suggestions?

Contact Amazon. Check your account and update your billing and shipping address.

Reorder your item. They don't have to do you any favors, unfortunately.

Next time give people straight answers. Just say no instead of "if I can" followed by 'reminding" everyone of your hardships.

So. Reorder your item. Just write this off. And tell your daughter truthfully that you can't make it to the court.

 

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lostandhurt....I think she is holding the package hostage as she had happily agreed at the beginning of our conversation that she would ship it to me the Monday after the 4th of July. When it didn't arrive, I followed up with a text message, but received no reply. Another text message was sent to her dad and nothing. I think she is angry with me, so she's keeping my package. 

I will just re-order from Amazon like some of you suggested. I sure do miss my conversations with my grandson and face-time with my granddaughter. I just don't get it.

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I'm sorry this lost package dredged up all this hurt and family issue. You didn't intend for all this to come up and are hurt but you're busy with your father. 

The package isn't really an issue so no one is holding anything hostage. You can talk with Amazon about the lost package, have them reimburse you and reorder it to your address. Be more careful and delete your daughter's address in your settings/list of addresses if you don't want this to happen again. Record the address somewhere else in an email to yourself or save it somewhere else but not on your Amazon account.

She's probably bitter, resentful, busy and frustrated over her own situation. Thinking people are out to get you is the most draining and useless waste of time and life ever. Try not to go that way. Shake yourself off and go for a walk or think of something else to do. Don't send anyone else any more texts about the missing package. It's your problem, not anyone else's. You're making it worse turning this into yourself or the package. People have other worries on their mind. 

I hope things get sorted and both of you repair the relationship eventually. It definitely won't come from texting or having others fix your lost package issue. 

 

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13 hours ago, Sweet Sue said:

I reminded her that I am a full time caregiver for my elderly father who is chronically ill and there are a few doctors appointment that he has coming up and he must be there, but I would try to do my best to be there for her. if I am able.  Again, she told me it was not good enough and that I never put her first in my life.

Sue.  She is now 38 but continues to act like a bratty teenager.   She knows full well that you have a lot on your plate, but, Sue, as you well know this is how she is. Pity the error about the package cropped up. 

 

8 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

It would seem your daughter needs more anger management classes and perhaps how not to be so selfish.

I agree with Lost.

 

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12 hours ago, Sweet Sue said:

She asked me if I could come up there and be there for support.

Just wondering... how often do you connect with her and your grandchildren?  Is it possible that her feelings of not being supported by you really are valid in any way?  Do you take care of your father full-time and kind of let everything else go (and ignore other important people in your life)?  

I think you're right she has serious anger issues, but why was she raised that way and was never corrected when you mothered her?  Not trying to be mean or rude, I have a daughter, too, but we're constantly working on her character and molding her to become a good person who we believe will be wise enough to make good choices.  It's our job as parents to ensure we do our best and yes, she's our priority right now (along with her brothers). 

I'm sure these character flaws showed up when she was a tween... a teen... and then a young adult... that's 10+ years to develop a good character in her.  Kids with a good relationship with their moms/dads are usually able to avoid this kind of character flaw.  I'm curious why this didn't happen in your family?  What do you think went wrong?  Did you put your career first?  Or a man first?

So... I'm so sorry, but I do wonder if she's right in way... that she was never really your priority even in raising her to be a strong, capable woman who made good choices in life.  You may have failed her in helping to shape her character in her most formative years, but of course it's her responsibility to own her own life's decisions now (and consequences).  I've noticed people like this were usually never raised right to begin with, then harbor resentment and immature attitudes throughout adulthood... making all their relationships difficult unfortunately.

You can't make up for the past, but it sounds like she really wants you in her life and to support her in her life's trials (so that's a good thing, even if she's immature and expressing it wrongly).

I do worry for you that after your father passes, what will happen then?  If you wait too long to show someone you care about them, or support them in their life's trials (which it sounds like she's had a lot brought on by her own immaturity), they will move on without you by necessity.  She'll learn how to get help and emotional support from other people, and may resent you only now want to make time for them.  

The relationship with your daughter in adulthood should look like a good, deep and abiding friendship with mutual respect... she has to respect your boundaries, but it may be good to look at yourself and ask yourself if you're supporting her like a true friend would?  I would think it's important to acknowledge that she doesn't feel supported 🤷‍♀️ and if she brought up about never feeling like she was a priority in your life, that means she may be feeling immense pain and depression and resentment due to that.

  My parents are amazing, wonderful people who have their own lives and different trials they go through off and on with illnesses or relative issues... but they try to always make time for us and our kids.  We don't feel unsupported and like an afterthought in their lives. 

One of the major ways my mom supported me during the pandemic was making time to talk on the phone several times a week.  She didn't have to do that, but she sacrificed her own time to do what she wants, to make sure I didn't go crazy with being with the kids and quarantined for months.  I didn't take advantage of her time and asked her if it was really ok to talk so much (more than we usually did), but she always assured me she knew I needed this... and I know for a fact that helped me to be able to mentally handle all of what we were going through... just knowing she was there to vent to!  We've grown so much stronger as a mom and daughter friendship over this past year and a half.

I fully plan on doing the same for my daughter as well.  

You could also just simply ask your daughter what would help to make her feel more supported?  Let her know you may not be able to make the actual court date, but that you'd be able to do X  Y or Z for her?  

I think kids need loving, dependable grandparents who want to get to know them... but that means learning how to deal with your difficult daughter, since she's the gatekeeper to who is allowed into their lives (for good or bad).  

I know that sounds wrong and depressing that you'd have to figure out how to work with her feelings, but you may be missing out on important things with your grandchildren and daughter... memories made etc. that won't be replaceable.  

 

 

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It seems your daughter has a lot of issues. You may have to wait until a point where your grandchildren are of age to contact you themselves. 
 

Just update your address on Amazon and re-order your product. 

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Reading your previous threads gives a much broader picture of the issues you've had with your daughter.  It seems she has never felt you do "enough" for her.

Unfortunately she doesn't seem interested in mending the relationship with you.  There's really nothing you can do about that except make it clear you are there if/when she's ready.

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

The package isn't really an issue so no one is holding anything hostage. You can talk with Amazon about the lost package, have them reimburse you and reorder it to your address. Don't send anyone else any more texts about the missing package. It's your problem, not anyone else's. You're making it worse turning this into yourself or the package.

Agree. Good idea to just reorder it. Since you can't be there for whatever she wanted, that's fine. Just stay out of each other's hair or continue to get your ex/her father involved.

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Unfortunately she doesn't seem interested in mending the relationship with you.  There's really nothing you can do about that except make it clear you are there if/when she's ready.

This book below is a great book for parents who don't understand or know how to deal with their adult children's rejecting of them.  Plus it gives practical help on how to move on if it's just not possible.  

But... the first thing this author points out though is to listen to what your adult child says, accept that's how they feel 🤷‍♀️ usually if the relationship was healthy to begin with, you both avoid these serious issues.  But thankfully books like this are out there to help parents and adult kids repair their relationships. 

She doesn't just have to sit and wait and see what happens... (I personally think that's a bad idea).

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1608686582?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2_dt_b_product_details

This is another touching book where a father (psychologist) admits his parenting flaws and failures were what led to his son's extreme character flaws and bad adult behavior... it's written by both him and his son together, to teach parents who made serious mistakes in shaping their children's characters, how to apologize, set serious boundaries, and help their adult sons/daughters get their lives back on course if possible.  The son takes responsibility for his own actions as well... it's an amazing book on how parenting can go really really wrongly... and impact people in relationships for decades afterward.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0999681001?psc=1&ref=ppx_yo2_dt_b_product_details

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2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Reading your previous threads gives a much broader picture of the issues you've had with your daughter.  It seems she has never felt you do "enough" for her.

Unfortunately she doesn't seem interested in mending the relationship with you.  There's really nothing you can do about that except make it clear you are there if/when she's ready.

Precisely, Bolt.  Ingrained selfishness combined with the instability.  

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17 hours ago, Sweet Sue said:

She almost lost custody of her son, now 10, when she was videotaped threatening to cut her father's throat.

 

17 hours ago, Sweet Sue said:

Suddenly she became upset and told me that my best is not good enough and that I needed to be there no matter what.

 

17 hours ago, Sweet Sue said:

now she's holding my  package hostage

I don't blame you for being reluctant to show up in support of her full custody. You might need to be there in the future of someone needs to step in and take care of the kids.

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Jibralta....I am not reluctant to show up. I told her that when she knew the day and time of her court date, I would put it on my calendar and 'do my best to be there'. I said,  'do my best because I am a full time 24/7 caregiver to my dad. He suffers with dementia and a host of other issues and cannot be left alone for any lengthy period of time. In the event that I am not able to find someone to come to the house and look after him for a day, then it would not be possible for me to be there - I am not willing to leave him alone, unattended for even a day trip. 

Otherwise, I explained to her, she CAN count on me to be there for her and to support her. 

She has a history of emotional disorders and often blows up at me, her dad and her son. She's been in several treatment facilities and diagnosed with ODD. To my knowledge, she never received any medication to help with these outbursts. Our conversations are typically through face-time and are brief. In combination with my own health issues that keep me close to home, caring for my dad and not having found a reliable person to look after him should I need to take a trip away from home, has been very hard on me and I am sure, it's hard on her too, being a single mother to two children. 

As far as the package, my ex-husband was kind enough to ship it to me. 

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1 hour ago, Sweet Sue said:

I said,  'do my best because I am a full time 24/7 caregiver to my dad. He suffers with dementia and a host of other issues and cannot be left alone for any lengthy period of time.

I get it that she's not respecting your boundaries, but this really is just an excuse.  My mom is also in charge of her father's care, my Grandfather, and she outsources it so that it doesn't consume her entire life.  

Here's a link for a mom in your position https://www.drlaura.com/call-of-the-day-podcast-im-a-weak-mom?utm_campaign=Call of the Day Podcast&utm_content=173309615&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook&hss_channel=fbp-112829642096923

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So....she was upset that you wouldn't go to court and the conclusion is that you are bothered that she dropped the subject of her package? Why not find out when her court date is, and once you do, see if you can have someone else sit with dad that day, reschedule an appointment for him, etc.  That sounds like a big deal regarding your grandchild.

If you provide moral support at court -- you can pick up your package yourself

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the relationship with your daughter has been very combative and simply phrases that would mean nothing to most people are hung on to-- when dealing with her, i would have just said "let me know when you know the date" and leave it simply at that -- i know its all in the past now - but keeping communication as simple and brief as possible instead of piling things up with contingencies might involve less drama.

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8 hours ago, abitbroken said:

the relationship with your daughter has been very combative and simply phrases that would mean nothing to most people are hung on to-- when dealing with her, i would have just said "let me know when you know the date" and leave it simply at that -- i know its all in the past now - but keeping communication as simple and brief as possible instead of piling things up with contingencies might involve less drama.

Very good strategy for dealing with somebody like this.

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abitbroken..............that was my plan all along. To see if I could find someone to sit with my dead, and reschedule, if possible, any appointments that he has coming up. The problem that she has with that is she wants me to be there no matter what and I need to figure out a way to do that. With respect to the court case, using her own words before the conversation took a downside, she said: "My attorney told me that I would most likely win and full custody awarded to her, because of the proof she has submitted showing the father of her child has shown no interest in being a part of her life." Nevertheless, I still would like to be there if it is at all possible, but to insist that I be there - with no regard as it concerns my father and leaving him all alone for even half a day, seems selfish to me. 

Sometimes all I can give is my best and that's all anybody can do.

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