Jump to content

I am trying to understand why my ex-wife is so miserable and angry


Guest Anonymous
 Share

Recommended Posts

Guest Anonymous

Hi ENA! I hope everyone is enjoying the summer so far! 

It has been a while since I have posted, I was on a long healing journey and proud to finally be on the other side! 

To make a long story short, I was in a 10-year relationship. Married 8 years, separated for 2, then divorced, and kept a friendship going (occasional conversation via phone, exchanging holiday cards, etc.) 

My ex-wife decided that she was no longer happy in the marriage, so she decided, planned, orchestrated, the divorce and did not want any money. She wanted a respectful, amicable divorce, dragged her feet for years to send the papers, and I even paid 100% for the costs of the divorce, and I even sent her money to help her get back on her feet, because that's the kind of person I am.

Fast-forward 5 years: as her medical career kicked-off, her income has increased, but, so is her level her resentment towards me. She is still single after 7 years, lives a very lonely life, has an obsessive-compulsive obsession with plants (she must have like 200 plants in her new home, it looks so ridiculous), and has gradually become more distant, more upset, more angry, and more miserable as time goes on.

To be clear, she was the one who desperately wanted the friendship, going to great lengths for us to remain friends, saying "you are a very valuable and precocious person in my life" and -bla-bla-bla.

As for myself, I moved on with my life, graduated from university, moved to Sothern California, got remarried, got a baby, got my dream car, but for some reason this seems to have triggered anger in my ex-wife, and I do not understand why. After all, she is the one who left, refused for us to go into therapy, dismissed my valiant attempts at Reconciliation, and then, when I did moved on, she freaked out and called her female friends in a mild panic and broke down once she found out that I have rebuilt my life.

Every day I keep reading sad stories like the one I am sharing now, and I just shake my head and try to understand: Why is my ex-wife so angry??

Why??

Sure, we had issues like any other couple. But her reasons she had were fully resolved and eliminated long before the divorce became final. She is now complaining and she is suffering from loneliness and depression, being single for 7 years, and all of her female friends are now married with kids. Like hello.

I have heard all kinds of reasons from friends, experts, UCLA psychologists, and, lo and behold, I am simply living my life and wondering "what the hell happened".  Furthermore, to set the record straight, I am not even upset at her. 

It's a very sad story and I scratch my hair trying to understand the reasons for her anger and resentment towards me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is time to end this friendship, it is going to screw up your new life. Unless you have children together there is zero reason to keep in touch. Ask yourself what she’s adding to your life. If the answer is nothing then why are you bothering? 
just because she wants to be friends doesn’t mean you have to especially if she’s negative and resentful. Say goodbye and have it be over. 

Edited by Seraphim
  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think she is possibly jealous that you have gone on to marry again, have a child, got a good job and live in a new area.  She may also have the"grass is greener" feeling.  She wanted to get away from you, finished her medical schooling and now it isn't quite what she had in mind, but you look like you've got it made in the shade compared to her.e

I do agree you need to end this "friendship."  It serves no purpose for you that you mention.  If I was your wife I would not be too pleased you kept inn contact with her.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I moved on with my life, graduated from university, moved to Sothern California, got remarried, got a baby

There's absolutely no reason to stay in touch. Focus on your wife and child and life in your new location.

This competition of "who made out better after the divorce?" is absurd and disrespectful you your wife.

It's sad you have this much schadenfreude and gloating that your life turned out better.

Bury the hatchet once and for all. 

Edited by Wiseman2
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

My brother’s soon to be ex wife ( hopefully) is also jealous his life has turned out better. They have 3 teenage daughters , but he ONLY talks to her about their children other than that he wants zero to do with her. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just now, boltnrun said:

What is it about staying in contact wth her that gives you any degree of happiness? 

Or he still has some feelings for her or he enjoys the ego boost due to her jealousy.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

58 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Hi ENA! I hope everyone is enjoying the summer so far! 

It has been a while since I have posted, I was on a long healing journey and proud to finally be on the other side! 

To make a long story short, I was in a 10-year relationship. Married 8 years, separated for 2, then divorced, and kept a friendship going (occasional conversation via phone, exchanging holiday cards, etc.) 

My ex-wife decided that she was no longer happy in the marriage, so she decided, planned, orchestrated, the divorce and did not want any money. She wanted a respectful, amicable divorce, dragged her feet for years to send the papers, and I even paid 100% for the costs of the divorce, and I even sent her money to help her get back on her feet, because that's the kind of person I am.

Fast-forward 5 years: as her medical career kicked-off, her income has increased, but, so is her level her resentment towards me. She is still single after 7 years, lives a very lonely life, has an obsessive-compulsive obsession with plants (she must have like 200 plants in her new home, it looks so ridiculous), and has gradually become more distant, more upset, more angry, and more miserable as time goes on.

To be clear, she was the one who desperately wanted the friendship, going to great lengths for us to remain friends, saying "you are a very valuable and precocious person in my life" and -bla-bla-bla.

As for myself, I moved on with my life, graduated from university, moved to Sothern California, got remarried, got a baby, got my dream car, but for some reason this seems to have triggered anger in my ex-wife, and I do not understand why. After all, she is the one who left, refused for us to go into therapy, dismissed my valiant attempts at Reconciliation, and then, when I did moved on, she freaked out and called her female friends in a mild panic and broke down once she found out that I have rebuilt my life.

Every day I keep reading sad stories like the one I am sharing now, and I just shake my head and try to understand: Why is my ex-wife so angry??

Why??

Sure, we had issues like any other couple. But her reasons she had were fully resolved and eliminated long before the divorce became final. She is now complaining and she is suffering from loneliness and depression, being single for 7 years, and all of her female friends are now married with kids. Like hello.

I have heard all kinds of reasons from friends, experts, UCLA psychologists, and, lo and behold, I am simply living my life and wondering "what the hell happened".  Furthermore, to set the record straight, I am not even upset at her. 

It's a very sad story and I scratch my hair trying to understand the reasons for her anger and resentment towards me.

She expected you to curl up and have life end without her...you proved her wrong, you moved on and you bettered yourself and your life, without her.

She is a bitter person, who would have rather enjoyed watching your downfall and demise.

Keep your distance. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 minutes ago, dias said:

Or he still has some feelings for her or he enjoys the ego boost due to her jealousy.  

Apart from the fact that she's jealous for all the wrong reasons. She wanted him to suffer it out and be worse off.

She didn't want him back. Yes, she's lonely and wanting a partner, but not him. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I say, cut ties. I know you probably feel like it is your moral responsibility to stick around, but in the best interest of your own marriage and your own "sanity", please distance yourself. She has to deal with the consequences of divorce independently of you, more so after 7 years. 

I tried to be friends with my ex-husband post divorce but he was not open to it. He remains in contact with my kids though (his stepkids). Fully understood and respectfully so. Really, it simplified an otherwise complicated divorce recovery process. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, SherrySher said:

Apart from the fact that she's jealous for all the wrong reasons. She wanted him to suffer it out and be worse off.

She didn't want him back. Yes, she's lonely and wanting a partner, but not him. 

I am not saying she is a good person, it's very obvious she isn't. I am trying to understand  from his side why he kept contact after the divorce.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah, I don't keep in touch with my ex even though he's my kids' father. They are adults.

I don't dislike him. I hope he's happy and well. But I don't feel the need to show him how great I'm doing. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, dias said:

I am not saying she is a good person, it's very obvious she isn't. I am trying to understand  from his side why he kept contact after the divorce.

Completely agree....why continue to give her all that info or visa versa?

You're not friends, OP....it's an odd arrangement, besides the fact that she's looking at your life and resenting anything good that happens to you.

She's not your friend.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I will offer another perspective: She kept you in her life as a spare. Meaning if everything else fails she could have somebody to fall back. Hence why insisting that you stay friends. After you moved on, well, that option failed. She seems very calculated person. Probably expected for you to wait for her after her career kicks in. Hence why resentment after that option failed. 

Anyway, I agree with others on everything else, you dont need that. You seem happy and moved on so just continue to do that. As for her, dont even wonder what happens. It was her choice so she lives with consequences of that choices. Again, not your concern nore it should be.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you want her to get off her butt and get her life going then you need to tell her you can no longer be friends.  Let her know you wish her the very best but it has been 7 years and you have put that life behind you and you just want to look forward, not back.

Once you cut her off she will no longer be able to live in her imagined fantasy life and in the past.  It will be for the best to stop staying in contact so she has zero excuses for not getting her own life in order.

  If she needs someone to vent to then she has friends or she can start seeing a therapist which it sounds like she is using you for.  She didn't want you as her husband any longer and you cannot be her therapist.

Lost

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To explain further I never suggested this "friendship". She is the one who absolutely wanted it. I suspect a bit of mental illness or instability on her part. Some of my friends have also suggested that she may be suffering from narcissism disorder. I read a bit of Google and it looks disturbing. 

I appreciate the insight. I am not an expert at psychology or relationship dynamics so the feedback is very informative. I value other people opinions as I have never seen anything like this before.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 minutes ago, askdan said:

Some of my friends have also suggested that she may be suffering from narcissism disorder. I read a bit of Google and it looks disturbing. 

It's time to stop obsessing about her and trying to get her back.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

46 minutes ago, askdan said:

To explain further I never suggested this "friendship". She is the one who absolutely wanted it. I suspect a bit of mental illness or instability on her part. Some of my friends have also suggested that she may be suffering from narcissism disorder. I read a bit of Google and it looks disturbing. 

I appreciate the insight. I am not an expert at psychology or relationship dynamics so the feedback is very informative. I value other people opinions as I have never seen anything like this before.

AskDan:  Just a little tip for you.  If you want to remain Anonymous then don't reply in your thread with your regular user name.  Just sayin'  😉

  • Haha 1
  • Confused 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's time to stop obsessing about her and trying to get her back.

^ I totally agree.  You have a wife and a child but it seems 90% of your focus is STILL all on your ex wife.  I can't imagine how your current wife feels about this obsession you have with your EX.  It's seriously time to let this go already.  SHE is not the issue.  YOU are. Look within.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I thought this might be you, @askdan

You've been obsessing for YEARS about how to get your ex wife back, despite being married to someone else.

Your ex wife has never seemed that interested in what you're doing despite your insistence she is "jealous" of your celebrity friends and your glamourous job.

When are you going to get tired of trying to get her back with no success?

Please once and for all, focus on your actual wife instead of continually trying to reconcile with your ex wife.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

She didn't want you to move on before she did. 

Better question - why are you still obssessing over her? This has been going on for ages. If you want to be with her (because it's clear that you do, based on your other threads), end your marriage respectfully and go off and be with Plant Lady. 

Your behaviour is just as unhealthy as your ex-wife's. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

IMO, she was your wife.. so she married you for reasons.

So, is possible that things fell apart for reasons- which has possibly led her to feel some resentment in the end.

Also sounds like her mental health has hit a low 😕 . And is now struggling.

Then, to see you've moved on again & successfully.... hit her even more.

Anyways.. you two have no kids.  Nothing to STOP all interactions & worry about each other.

Are you done?  Then be done!  No concerns.. it is her life over there.  Let go now.. worry about your own new life.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 7/16/2021 at 6:23 PM, askdan said:

To explain further I never suggested this "friendship". She is the one who absolutely wanted it. I suspect a bit of mental illness or instability on her part. Some of my friends have also suggested that she may be suffering from narcissism disorder. I read a bit of Google and it looks disturbing. 

I appreciate the insight. I am not an expert at psychology or relationship dynamics so the feedback is very informative. I value other people opinions as I have never seen anything like this before.

Irrelevant who wanted it.  It takes two.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • 7 SIGNS YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE (Even If You Don’t Think So)! 😏
      7 SIGNS YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE (Even If You Don’t Think So)! 😏 // Do you ever feel like you aren’t attractive? If yes, then you are totally normal! However, it’s time for you to know the truth. Once you learn the signs you are an attractive man and the signs you are attractive to women, your life will never be the same. This is about more than how to look good or how to attract women. These signs help you see why you actually can attract women in a way that makes them want a relationship with you! EVEN if you sometimes feel that’s impossible. Ready to learn how to know if you’re attractive and the signs you’re attractive? Let’s dive into 7 Signs You Are Attractive (EVEN If You Don’t Think So)!

       
      • 0 replies
    • The Social Minimalist | Can we be Happy without Friends?
      A minimalist lifestyle concerns itself with minimizing the number of material resources we need to be satisfied. A tremendous benefit of this approach is the reduced cost of living. The less we need, the more time, money, and energy we save. So, can we also apply minimalism to our social connections to gain the same benefits? Can we be happy with a minimal amount of friends, or even without friends? This video explores the benefits and downsides of friendship, the current state of friendships, and if we actually need friends.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 6 Secret Habits Smart People Do Every Day
      Do you find yourself more productive in the morning or at night? Did you know that smart people tailor their work routine to whether they are a night owl or a morning bird?

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Big Warning Signs You Should Be Worried She's Not Serious About You!
      5 Big Warning Signs You Should Be Worried She's Not Serious About You!... In this dating advice video, I will be sharing with you five big warning signs you should be worried she’s not serious about you. The signs she’s not serious about you can be seen on first dates, online dating, or somewhere in the dating process. Take heed to these big warning signs in dating and be sure to watch the entire video.

       
      • 0 replies
    • "Omg… I got my ex back with THIS text message!"
      Use these texts to get your ex back! In this video, I explain how one of my breakup coaching clients used a few specific text messages to get back with their ex. Learn WHEN to text your ex, WHAT to text your ex, and HOW to safely and effectively use my text message templates to get your ex back and stay together for good. Basically, this video covers exactly how to text your ex back into your arms....

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...