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Should I text to confirm?


Popi33
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1 hour ago, kim42 said:

Based on my experience, when a guy calls after 10 pm, it is a booty call

But we are also going on dates, we were supposed to go at a party downtown but weather was really bad so when he called me I suggested he comes at my place. I had also booty call and yes, guys were texting after 10pm but wouldn't spend much time just for a quickie and go. We stayed up all night, cooked watched movies had sex and talked until morning light. It's not relationship or even close but I'm guessing its more fwb than just sexual. My interpretation ofc

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How is this an FWB?  Were you good friends before you started hanging out and having sex with him ?  Sounds like he’s someone you’re dating who doesn’t want a relationship with you.  You do want one but you’re choosing to settle for scraps because you’re too scared of getting hurt were you to ask him his intentions or get seriously involved.  And anyway what “benefits ?”  You get sex and some fun times but with significant downsides since you’re lying to yourself and anxious as a result. 

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14 hours ago, Batya33 said:

How is this an FWB?  Were you good friends before you started hanging out and having sex with him ?  Sounds like he’s someone you’re dating who doesn’t want a relationship with you.  You do want one but you’re choosing to settle for scraps because you’re too scared of getting hurt were you to ask him his intentions or get seriously involved.  And anyway what “benefits ?”  You get sex and some fun times but with significant downsides since you’re lying to yourself and anxious as a result. 

And what do you suggest I do? He called me this morning to comfirm our date for the night. So I'll see him tonight.

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1 hour ago, Popi33 said:

And what do you suggest I do? He called me this morning to comfirm our date for the night. So I'll see him tonight.

Be honest with yourself about what you want.  Tell him without apology what you want - in simple, basic terms - no psychobabble and while sober and not during or right after sex. Like "I've been thinking more about our arrangement.  I am not comfortable continuing as we are.  What are your intentions about us?"  Then be quiet and listen for the answer and wait out the silence.  Anything other than "I see us as potentially getting serious" or "I want to keep dating you and I am not dating anyone else and I don't want to date anyone else" (the last part is key/essential).   If he doesn't want what you want (and i mean the You without the Fear), then you tell him again basic and simple "I totally understand and it sounds like we want different things so it's best we go our separate ways."  None of this at all can be on text.  Hopefully in person.  

When two people want to be together it's really simple -the communication is short and sweet.  It's only full of double talk/psychobabble, drawn out irrelevant talk about "how I've been hurt in the past" or "I'm not in the right place for a relationship right now because [I have to find myself/find my unmatched socks/lose 5 pounds on a detox juice fast, et] when the person speaking is not that into the other person or is unavailable for a relationship.  Or perhaps a bit of both but that's really rare.

If he says he needs more time to decide then you decide internally how much more time you're willing to invest in this casual dating arrangement and when that time is up, bye bye.  I'd also consider not having sex while he needs more time if sexual intercourse makes you feel more attached.

Those are my suggestions.  Good luck!

Edited by Batya33
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6 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Great! See how it goes!

I asked him about communication and he said he prefers to see me than texting but he'll try to be more attentive. Honestly, I've had just one relationship before so I'm not texting him or calling much cause I'm not used to this pace  He said he'll call me so I'll just wait and see if we can find a nice flow. I'm clueless on that so I don't have any prior experience. With my ex we were friends before dating and we were texting all the time or calling each other daily and it felt overwhelming.

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33 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. Find your own rhythm in this relationship with texting, dates, etc.

Yeah I don't want to fall into this trap of texting intimacy. I like building that in person. Anyhow, he said he'll call me so I'll leave it on him. He proposed to get together tomorrow night so let's see.

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8 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Wonderful!!

Thank you for opening up a new perspective for me. I feel much relieved after I communicated my thoughts and none of this crap like I'm scared or anything similar. I tend to keep doing that, be truthful to myself as it is indeed the most reasonable thing to do even though I didn't feel comfortable initiating such a conversation.

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9 minutes ago, Popi33 said:

Thank you for opening up a new perspective for me. I feel much relieved after I communicated my thoughts and none of this crap like I'm scared or anything similar. I tend to keep doing that, be truthful to myself as it is indeed the most reasonable thing to do even though I didn't feel comfortable initiating such a conversation.

My pleasure.  So glad I could contribute. I think he didn’t initiate the conversation because you were not acting like you wanted a relationship. 

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21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My pleasure.  So glad I could contribute. I think he didn’t initiate the conversation because you were not acting like you wanted a relationship. 

Yes it's highly possible. But when I asked him he said an emphatic yes. I was expecting something you are sweet I like you but I don't see us together. He almost got me off guard when he said yes, I want to. I'm not sure though how does one proceed after agreeing to be together, does it make us a couple? I'm honestly asking not out of insecurity but it's the first time I had this talk with a guy.

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4 minutes ago, Popi33 said:

Yes it's highly possible. But when I asked him he said an emphatic yes. I was expecting something you are sweet I like you but I don't see us together. He almost got me off guard when he said yes, I want to. I'm not sure though how does one proceed after agreeing to be together, does it make us a couple? I'm honestly asking not out of insecurity but it's the first time I had this talk with a guy.

Nothing to change.  Just keep dating and getting to know each other. At some point one of you might suggest meeting each other’s friends and family but for now just enjoy getting to know each other. 

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On 7/22/2021 at 4:12 PM, Batya33 said:

Nothing to change.  Just keep dating and getting to know each other. At some point one of you might suggest meeting each other’s friends and family but for now just enjoy getting to know each other. 

Okay so I've settled for calling once per day, if he misses my call he calls me back. But today I couldn't hear him while driving and I asked him to catch up later or call me when he gets home. We didn't catch up in the end. He told me early on that I could call him anytime. Would he still be happy and receptive to receive my call or does he feel pressured? He's sounding cheerful when we talk on the phone. We were having short calls and almost no texting in between as I prefer calling.

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6 hours ago, Popi33 said:

Okay so I've settled for calling once per day

Does he never call you? Why is it only you reaching out?

Stop fretting about pressuring him. Start asking yourself how feasible it will be for you to date a guy who lets you do all the work, and doesn't seem to reciprocate. 

You're anxious as hell, Popi. That's often a sign that we're with the wrong person, and trying to ignore our own instinct that something is off. 

 

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38 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Does he never call you? Why is it only you reaching out?

Stop fretting about pressuring him. Start asking yourself how feasible it will be for you to date a guy who lets you do all the work, and doesn't seem to reciprocate. 

You're anxious as hell, Popi. That's often a sign that we're with the wrong person, and trying to ignore our own instinct that something is off. 

 

He does call me and text not every day though. I started gradually increasing communication since he did enjoy me calling him. Only last night he didn't actually call when he got home but I told him I'll be outside to.catch up later. And yes I'm anxious as a person and I have been before this guy now it only intensified.

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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, so you missed a call. No big deal. Keep things casual.

Yeah, I didn't miss it. I was the one calling him but he missed it and called me back. I am currently out of credit on my phone so I can't call him anyhow (I could text him on viber but I'm not this type of girlfriend tbh leaving messages randomly he didn't say he doesn't enjoy me calling him. So now that I'm out of credit he can step up and call if he wants, will be too much on my part to text. I guess he'll call me when he doesn't hear from me for a day or so. We made plans for tomorrow to have dinner so let's see.

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1 hour ago, Popi33 said:

So now that I'm out of credit he can step up and call if he wants, will be too much on my part to text. We made plans for tomorrow to have dinner so let's see.

Why can't you call/texting using Whatsapp for free?

Try to get your life a little more cohesive and organized and try not to mix up dating dilemmas with financial problems.

What do you you mean by "he can step up"? Step up to what? Your credit issues? 

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5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why can't you call/texting using Whatsapp for free?

Try to get your life a little more cohesive and organized and try not to mix up dating dilemmas with financial problems.

What do you you mean by "he can step up"? Step up to what? Your credit issues? 

No ofc not, I meant to step up by calling because I had unlimited sms and calls and was calling him so far on the phone but it was on credit. I'll have to pay it these days to top it up. In the meantime, was thinking to contact him on viber (I run out of unlimited credit)

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