Should I see him ? Should i just not do anything ?

[Ennahafsa]

I met this guy 9 months ago, we have/had a wonderful relationship we barely had an issue or fights. The only problem is I have a visa issue, I can't stay here as long as I want, he has a job here and temporary residence card for another year and we are not from the same country. 

He also said that he truly loves me and wants to be with me longer

We tried to talk it out and I was honest about my feelings that I don't want things end and ask him to do anything he can cause I have been trying to do anything I can and now I don't have many options, from my side and situation. Hơwever he can do something that will help the relationship. It's not something simple but it can help the situation which is if he marries me, he can put me in the list his temporary residence information, more like a visa for a spouse.

It was so hard for me to tell him about this option because I know he doesn't think about marriage yet but I was desperate, I want to be with him, I don't want to lose him, but he turned the idea down. I know he's gonna do that but it still breaks my heart and hope

I left his place as soon as he finished his sentences, saying "I am not ready to be married with you forever". I left right away, not even looking back

I think what I feel is disappointment and I am feeling unwanted and of course, I feel hurt.

I understand his reasons, we were dating for 9 months anyway but I would do anything for him. I just thought he would think about it. I saw so many couples having the same situation and they solved it with marriage

 he is very loving and caring and nice, so I thought again, maybe he would consider it.

Then here is the main thing that I seek for advices

I am really hurt but somehow I can handle it pretty well, I am still trying to find a way and even went to my embassy to do what I can do

He was off for 24 hours and he also cried when we talked about it so he is a very emotional guy, it makes feel bad .

Before I left, he said he would want to see me again and it makes me feel conflicted.

What is the best thing I should do ? Part of me wants to see him, I still care about him

But again, he hurts my feelings and I kinda lost my pride.

I am not sure what's the best thing to do

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ennahafsa]

I think I have to edit my first line. I met him in September and started dating in November. So we have known each other for 11 month and dated for 9 months

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Ennahafsa said:

 I know he doesn't think about marriage yet but I was desperate.

Sorry this is happening. Why did your visa run out?

Are you working or studying in this country?

He did the right thing. Marrying for a visa can be viewed as a sham marriage. This could get him in trouble.

He's also correct that dating 36 weeks is too soon to talk about marriage.

Unfortunately it comes across as hustling him for your agenda rather than marrying for the right reasons.

If you want to stay in this country, why can't you get a visa through appropriate means such as working or studying?

[MissCanuck]

I sympathize, OP. I also live abroad and had my own visa issues a couple times before getting it all sorted. (not through marriage)

He is right to be honest that this is not a viable solution for him. I know you are feeling desperate much it is much too soon and too much responsibility on him to agree to this. I am not sure which country you're residing in, but a marriage of convenience is not something most governments take lightly. It's generally a more involved process than simply putting one's residency details on paper. The consequences also are quite serious if you get caught, especially since he isn't a citizen of the country either. 

I would not see him again, though. It will hurt too much when you know this will end. It is better to try to find another solution for your paperwork, and if you can't, you will have to accept that this is not the path for you. 

[Ennahafsa]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Why did your visa run out?

Are you working or studying in this country?

He did the right thing. Marrying for a visa can be viewed as a sham marriage. This could get him in trouble.

He's also correct that dating 36 weeks is too soon to talk about marriage.

Unfortunately it comes across as hustling him for your agenda rather than marrying for the right reasons.

If you want to stay in this country, why can't you get a visa through appropriate means such as working or studying?

I am currently in Vietnam and the visa situation here is very unstable since last year when the pandemic/covid started. 

I was travelling and got caught in the situation, had been extending my visa since then. i find it impossible to find a job here because my field is not something they need in the country and i dont think i can afford the expenses for studying here, and really the visa game here is all about money and i will have to pay so much to change the visa

i do understand and never mentioned marriage in our relationship, never ever.  i don't blame him for not wanting it. 

Maybe the posts i saw from people who have similar situation here kinda got through me

but deep down in my heart i know it's not the good thing. But yeah, it's always hard to let something/someone you really want go

[Ennahafsa]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I sympathize, OP. I also live abroad and had my own visa issues a couple times before getting it all sorted. (not through marriage)

He is right to be honest that this is not a viable solution for him. I know you are feeling desperate much it is much too soon and too much responsibility on him to agree to this. I am not sure which country you're residing in, but a marriage of convenience is not something most governments take lightly. It's generally a more involved process than simply putting one's residency details on paper. The consequences also are quite serious if you get caught, especially since he isn't a citizen of the country either. 

I would not see him again, though. It will hurt too much when you know this will end. It is better to try to find another solution for your paperwork, and if you can't, you will have to accept that this is not the path for you. 

I am currently in Vietnam, it seems not so complicated to do it here and i read a post of someone who did it, all they did just to provide some papers and sometimes they don't do an interview and you will just get the certificate, as long as you have documents completed and ready

I am on that way to accept it and stuff cause i feel powerless and hopeless. it is just you finally found something real, you know but then it has to end.

[Wiseman2]

49 minutes ago, Ennahafsa said:

I was travelling and had been extending my visa since then. i find it impossible to find a job here 

What's wrong with going home to your country and finding work there? 

How can you support yourself if you can't find work?

[smackie9]

I have to say, even tho it felt like a gut punch, He did the right thing. Marriage should not be abused to get a visa. It's just wrong. I know you are desperate, but many do just fine with the separation and do long distance. Go back home, make money, visit when you can.

[boltnrun]

It's not easy to travel back and forth from Vietnam.  A family member is married to a Vietnamese citizen and their spouse can never go visit their family in Vietnam because they may not be allowed to leave, even though they're married to an American.

But your boyfriend is making the right decision. Marriage isn't something you just do.

I'm sorry it didn't work out. I'm sure it's painful.

[Ennahafsa]

53 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's not easy to travel back and forth from Vietnam.  A family member is married to a Vietnamese citizen and their spouse can never go visit their family in Vietnam because they may not be allowed to leave, even though they're married to an American.

But your boyfriend is making the right decision. Marriage isn't something you just do.

I'm sorry it didn't work out. I'm sure it's painful.

I think you can't really travel back to Vietnam once you leave the country cause they are not accepting any visitors unless it's a vietnamese citizen who wants to go back. They are even trying to kick people out of the country

Hi, yes. that's right i have come to my sense now and i feel less bad about the whole things and the break up. Thank you so much

[Ennahafsa]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

I have to say, even tho it felt like a gut punch, He did the right thing. Marriage should not be abused to get a visa. It's just wrong. I know you are desperate, but many do just fine with the separation and do long distance. Go back home, make money, visit when you can.

Yeah, i have come to my sense and that is so wrong of me to spill that option. It was a rough time for me so i couldn't really think clearly . i am not sure about LDR thing cause it's not his thing or to visit him as the country is not allowing foreigners to come in and is recently getting more cases so probably close for another year. 

and he doesn't want to move to my country either as he will lose so many things that he has here

[SooSad33]

10 hours ago, Ennahafsa said:

It was so hard for me to tell him about this option because I know he doesn't think about marriage yet but I was desperate, I want to be with him, I don't want to lose him, but he turned the idea down. I know he's gonna do that but it still breaks my heart and hope

Sadly, you can't expect this of someone.. you've only been involved for 9 months.

 

If YOU feel you two cannot work things out another way eg. continue to visit each other between countries? (maybe your relationship is not this strong..? Then, is maybe best to end all right now.

 

[Rose Mosse]

I know the world revolves around this relationship at the moment but take care of yourself.

I don't disagree or agree about marrying due to visa issues as a whole (can see both sides). What matters is that one of you isn't ready for that so listen to him.

This might have been a wake up call also for you, considering that you seem to be willing to do much more for the relationship than he is. Don't let your pride get too bruised that you can't see what's best for yourself. You clearly care about each other but he may not ever get married. If that's what you're looking for in a long term relationship, why not keep your options open in your home country where you are more to your own advantage? 

I'd take this in stride. Anyone would be sad in this situation. Just think for yourself and start thinking ahead. If I were in your shoes my mind would be moving forwards and thinking ahead, of the next move and how to better situate my career and myself. Without your financial independence, you're dependent on your partner or others. Whatever he is to you now may not be the case one year from now or even six months. He may not follow you where you go next so start focusing on what you want and what's best for you. Treat this as a nudge back to reality and welcome it, don't fight it. I hope you do what's best for yourself overall. 

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, Ennahafsa said:

Yeah, i have come to my sense and that is so wrong of me to spill that option. It was a rough time for me so i couldn't really think clearly . i am not sure about LDR thing cause it's not his thing or to visit him as the country is not allowing foreigners to come in and is recently getting more cases so probably close for another year. 

and he doesn't want to move to my country either as he will lose so many things that he has here

the mom talk: these are the things that need to be assessed before getting involved with someone...kinda like jumping into the deep end not knowing if you can swim or not.

[LotusBlack]

Sorry you’re going through this, OP. I know it hurts but your boyfriend was absolutely right. My husband and I got married for visa issues (mine) at just 8 months together. We also don’t come from the same country as each other, nor from the country we currently live in. The reason we got married, though, is because we had no other choice. We didn’t want to be apart, but we would have accepted long distance until we could be together again, as marriage is not the answer for visa issues. However, I was pregnant and had serious health concerns and my medical team would not let me fly. So, legally not allowed to stay and medically not allowed to leave. We had no choice but to get married so that I could be added to his visa as a dependent and safely finish out my pregnancy. I do love my husband, though, and did genuinely want to marry him at some point in the future, but it was not the right thing for us relationship-wise at that time and neither of us wanted to get married this way and for this reason.

The Power dynamic is really messed up due to my visa restrictions and his level of freedom, income, etc. We are still together and trying to work our way through this hardship, but marriage nearly destroyed us (maybe it already has and separation will follow at some point). 

Marriage is never the answer to a problem in a relationship and should only be entered into willingly by both parties and for the right reasons - because you want to join your lives together in a legally recognised way that reflects your emotional commitment to each other. You and your boyfriend are not there yet and walking off the way you did immediately after he was honest with you without so much as a backwards glance was very immature and quite rude. I know you felt hurt and disappointed but marriage isn’t ever a solution to a problem. If you use it as such then you will find your relationship to be filled with resentment and unhappiness, which is not what you want in the long term. 

If you want to stay in a relationship then return to your home country when you must and look at ways you can get back to the country you’re currently in. Do not put the responsibility on your boyfriend to fix the issue through marriage - it will be a regret you will carry with you forever. And the knowledge that your partner married out of obligation rather than love is a pain you can never get over in the relationship.