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He was cheated on by ex-wife on their honeymoon.....now I'm paying for it.


mkayrae

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22 hours ago, mical said:

From my own experience, I dated someone and she lied about little things like having a child to living with an "ex" boyfriend. She justified the lying because she wanted me to "like her for who she is" and blamed me for not being ok with being deceived.

Lying about having a child and living with an "ex" are not little things, mical. 

I agree with the point you are making about the importance of honesty, to be clear. However, there is a significant difference between the gravity of OP's lie of omission and your ex's. 

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48 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Lying about having a child and living with an "ex" are not little things, mical. 

Yes you are right those are not little things. 

Now since re-thinking everything he clearly over-reacted and is not so stable. 

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12 hours ago, mkayrae said:

I struggle answering this because I still don't trust myself and my own judgement 😞 😞 I guess it just seems like he was sayin things a bit too forward without really knowing me. I even flat out asked him after he'd say things like, "You bring so much happiness to my life" "You are so unbelievably amazing" "You are what I've been looking for" after like 4-5 dinner dates ....I straight up asked him "How do you know I'm so amazing? You barley know me?" 

It just seemed a little off for me......but not entirely sure, maybe he was just being really nice and since I've been treated less than in previous relationships I took this behavior as unfamiliar--- so maybe I self sabotaged.....I flip flop between those two narratives a lot. 

Thank you for sharing the other perspective. That's how I would like to envision confronting conflict in a healthy relationship with someone you care about. 

 

OP, this is exactly what love bombing looks like in real life. You are so amazing, can't live without you, blah blah blah. Your instinctive reaction was literally spot on - this is bs and he doesn't even know me. Unfortunately, you didn't listen to that gut reaction and ended up trying to rationalize it away - maybe he is just nice, maybe just something..... That part is the mistake on your end - do not rationalize away your initial instincts because they are spot on. You should have run when you felt this was all off and I hope that you do wrap your mind around that so that if you ever come across something similar again, you KNOW to be gone like the wind.

Also, how you envision a healthy relationship is exactly what you should seek and expect from a partner. If he is not acting like that, dump him and don't waste your time hoping for change. People come equipped with certain conflict resolution skills and empathy. This guy had neither and he played on your kindness by presenting himself as a victim that you need to feel sorry for. That set you up to tolerate bs even more. 

Bottom line is that he did absolutely love bomb you and then flipped the script and became nasty and abusive toward you. A sadly typical script that never ends well if you buy into the love bombing.

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This guy was looking for perfection.  Someone that would never make a mistake, never say or do the wrong things (in his opinion), someone that is the perfect partner so he can finally let his guard down.

  He has a fair amount of baggage to unpack and took it out on you.  This cycle will repeat for him over and over again.

  You made some mistakes yes.  But don't we all want someone in our lives that is understanding?  This guy was far from understanding don't you think?

I know this hurts right now because you feel like you messed this up and never got the chance to fix it. I think in time you will see he did you a favor. If 6 months ago you could see he was rigid and not understanding would you have continued to see him?  It just took 6 months or so to see the real him.

Good luck on the new job/career.

Lost

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2 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Bottom line is that he did absolutely love bomb you and then flipped the script and became nasty and abusive toward you. A sadly typical script that never ends well if you buy into the love bombing.

Indeed.

 

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With so many possible reasons why it ended, I wouldnt worry about this too much. Could of he been looking for any reason to break up with you? Yeah maybe? Was he transferring his feelings and anger to you and lashed out at you and said things to you he wishes he had the strength to tell his X wife? Yeah, possibly. Does he need therapy to get over his anger? Oh yeah. 

Here is the difference between you and him.. You treated him as a totally new and different person and didnt treat him as an X that hurt you. He went into a relationship with you hoping you were not like his X and at the first sign of its possible that you were, he lashed out at you. So hold your head up high because you put your past behind you when he did not. 

We all get hurt, we have all been hurt and being a good partner is recognizing that the new partner is not your X so dont treat them as such. You put the past hurt and started fresh. No doubt that you have a guard up, but you didnt bring your past. He cant say the same thing. So you should be proud of that even tho you were not proud of the drinking, you could of treated him as a past, but you didnt. 

He wasnt the one for you. There is a guy out there that is a better fit. 

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