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He was cheated on by ex-wife on their honeymoon.....now I'm paying for it.


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I'm in the thick of trying to make sense of things after being dumped 2 weeks ago.  Of course having the common issues with closure and accepting the rejection.  I'm hoping that writing my situation out will help me process and hearing from others might also provide some comfort in my time of need. 

I started dating this 34(M) back in January 2021.  He worked in data analytics, super smart, super educated, good nerdy type.  (We dated for a total of 5 months and the last month was a long drawn out breakup)

We met on Hinge and we had a pretty great first date. He was really into me it seemed. ALOT. I wasn't quite at that level just because I wasn't initially physically attracted to him. (However, I'm 30 and looks just aren't what I'm looking for now days at least not one of the main factors and I just really wanted to take things slow.)  I wanted to do this differently this time 'round. He wasn't the usual type of guy I go for-- but I've realized over the past year that I have been single that I need to open my heart and eyes to other possibilities, personalities and people different than my go to.  To be quite frank the really good looking ones just have really ***ed me over in the past.  He had a lot of great qualities and I grew to become more and more attracted to him. 

In the first month I was a little taken back by the amount of interest he had in me and the level of priority and his availability overall.  Not something I was used to at all. It scared me a little. I was on the fence whether I truly met a diamond in the rough or if this guy was love bombing me, or being super co-dependent. I will say we both come from a past. He came from a marriage that ended about 4 years ago where his ex wife apparently cheated on him on their honeymoon. 😮 I also came from a 3 year relationship about a 1.5 years ago who had cheated on me and done lots of shady ***. We both are very pro-therapy/working on mental health and identifying our roles in the past relationships we've had and really working on ourselves to heal that trauma.  Over the course of the 5 months we would see each other 1-2 times a week, but talk/text everyday.  

The past year has been tough on me work wise because I really struggled to find something that I was really passionate about and one that didn't require me to work remotely due to COVID. I had accepted a job in January 2021, however it came apparent that it really wasn't something I wanted to do, so I was looking for something else in April 2021, interviewing here and there. My ex knew I was interviewing but I never really revealed how much I despised the job and literally wanted to quit everyday. I mean we had just started dating and I didn't want him to think I'm a quitter/unemployed.  WELL.........the day came and I quit before accepting a new job.  I didn't tell him I quit my job. I just wasn't comfortable revealing that information at the time.  (Would you feel comfortable revealing to a NEW romantic partner that you REALLY liked, that you were a crappy relationship candidate? (in terms of being unemployed at the time) (again I hold a decent amount of my worth tied to my job, not ideal/balanced--I'm aware of that and trying to work on my identity being more than my job. However, I do think it's hard in today's overall culture --  "hustle culture" and "extreme productivity mindset"  

Well that proved to obviously not be the best thing because on the next few occasions we hung out I ended up drinking more than usual because I was hiding from the shame and guilt of being unemployed. For just a few hours I didn't want to think about it. Being unemployed is stressful and I know I'm not the only one out there that has experienced that type of "unemployment depression" if you want to call it. I feared telling him because I thought he'd leave me. In my mind my self confidence and self esteem was pretty low (as I hold a lot of my identity through what I do for work)--I really shamed myself and put him on a pedestal.  Mind you, he never brought up me getting drunk the first time as an issue or that it bothered him.  We never had established any conversation or boundaries around drinking.  After the second occurrence where I drank more than usual (which was on a holiday/memorial day) the next morning I knew something was wrong......he didn't text like he usually did in the morning and I apologized remorsefully for maybe embarrassing him.  Apparently, he was super super super hurt by it.  

He proceeded with a cold text toward me saying he needed to process what happened.  When he sent that, my alarm bells went off and it triggered me into "fear of abandonment" mode. (I know I'm still in therapy to work on that) Nonetheless, it was something that put me into a downward spiral/self - fulfilling prophecy that he was indeed going to leave me.  I gave him some space and asked if he would call me when he got a chance as I wanted to talk about this and have a discussion.  Well.... he never called me or asked to see me later. Or the next day, or the next day, or the next week. I finally revealed to him over text that I had quit my job and that my behavior was due to my extenuating circumstances and trying to do my best in my time of uncertainty with employment. (I'm still trying to understand how I hurt him so much by having a few drinks (and on a holiday)  -- please understand I am not an alcoholic. My friends and family can vouch for that) I just had a few bad days where I was really feeling crummy about my situation. 

You might think that one you really care about and really like would show understanding and compassion toward a circumstance like this --- maybe feel more concern in ways to console those thoughts/feelings rather than throwing them back in your face. Unfortunately, THIS did not play in my favor by telling him the TRUTH. He eventually told me at the end of a long excruciating break-up month of him processing his feelings after I told him that---Well, He just couldn't get past the fact that I lied to him and hid that from him.  He revealed that He's been lied to by friends, family, ex-partners, and that it hurts. He said, "All I've known is hurt" he went on to ask me "Why?" Why me, MiKayla?" "What did I do to you?" "What did I do to you to make you think I would leave"   I apologized remorsefully over the course of the month. I sent an edible arrangement to him, I sent long chain texts messages trying to convince him to trust me and that the reason I lied and hid that from him was simply due to my own embarrassment and insecurity.  This was not something that I was trying to intentionally inflict pain onto him or out of malice.  I told him I wanted to fix this. "What can I do to fix this?"..... Days went by where he said he wanted to see me and talk this through, but then when it came down to it and I planned for it and expected to see him......he would ghost me and wouldn't hear a word from him the rest of the day/night. 

I'm brokenhearted....because I feel I truly lost a good one due to my stupid mistake and it hurts because I feel he's projecting all his hurt from his past relationships on me and I don't get a second chance to prove myself.   Some of my friends say that he will continue to have issues if he shuts down every time a prospective lover makes a mistake. It's like as soon as things got serious/ there happened to show a little bit of conflict he ran. He ran fast......and I'm left feeling so confused and hurt because I fell for this person and I was blindsided by this.  I wish we could have talked about this in person/on the phone since we were involved in each others lives for almost 6 months. I feel so unheard and unseen by him-- I never thought the one person I truly thought had strong feelings for me, understanding and compassion, just decided that morning that he never wanted to see or talk to me in person again. It ***ing hurts so bad. I really fell for him, I wanted to communicate with him and talk this through.  I wanted to learn more about him, understand him more, be there for each other in hard times and at the 5 month mark I couldn't help but think of more in the future with him. So I'm grieving those expectations/once potential future..... 

Is it just me or is he having some really strong opinions to some small issues? (I didn't lie about being married, having children, or cheating)....Then again I am aware a lie is a lie.....  I guess we could also just chalk it up to the 'ole, "He just wasn't that into you" and that's that...... move on..... He's just really made me feel like *** about this whole thing.....One of the last texts messages I got from him was,

"This isn't just an issue between you and I MiKayla, but, rather how do I not bring this into future personal/intimate relationships in the future?" 

--Ouch..... I guess I really really did him dirty. 

 

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Stop missing a man who obviously doesn't value you, was never your friend and treats you badly.

Don't get me wrong, you should have told him straight away that you quit your job.

Hiding things is never a good thing.

However, how he acted was total drama queen.

I don't know what went on with your drinking, but for him to go overboard like that...it's taking it too far.

Your relationship with him was totally toxic. It didn't work and it wasn't going to work,

Stop placing all the blame on yourself.

Even with the mistakes you made, he made huge ones too acting out like he did.

You two were a mismatch.

Brush yourself off, and move forward.

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As for him being "one of the good ones"?

Nope.

He love bombed you, red flag right there. (I'm sorry, but he sounded creepy in the beginning).

He wasn't genuine, immature and a total drama queen.

I'd give him a hard pass, as I think most women would.

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2 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Stop missing a man who obviously doesn't value you, was never your friend and treats you badly.

Don't get me wrong, you should have told him straight away that you quit your job.

Hiding things is never a good thing.

However, how he acted was total drama queen.

I don't know what went on with your drinking, but for him to go overboard like that...it's taking it too far.

Your relationship with him was totally toxic. It didn't work and it wasn't going to work,

Stop placing all the blame on yourself.

Even with the mistakes you made, he made huge ones too acting out like he did.

You two were a mismatch.

Brush yourself off, and move forward.

Thanks for the response and validation. Just gotta keep pushing...day by day it'll get better. Yes, I def. could have handled the drinking situations a bit better-- I was just having fun on a holiday...the liquor was running deep for our whole group that day. The first occurrence wasn't bad, I was just a bit more outgoing/spontaneous and he said he didn't expect that. 

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I think this guy is looking to "punish" someone for all the past pain. 

So he chose this moment to punish you and cast you out of his life, because it doesn't sound like he ever really dealt with his ex cheating on him. Should you have been honest about being out of work? Sure. But is he over-reacintg? Yes, without any question. Major projection going on there. 

He's showing you that he is rigid and lacks any empathy. His stance towards you is punitive and I would not be sad to lose someone like this. Notice how he made this all about him and his feelings? Never asked how you were coping with unemployment? Never tried to meet you halfway on this? Made you feel bad for cutting loose and having a good time with a few drinks? He sounds controlling, honestly. 

Toodles, dude. He's not the great catch you think he is. 

 

Edited by MissCanuck
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5 minutes ago, mkayrae said:

Thanks for the response and validation. Just gotta keep pushing...day by day it'll get better. Yes, I def. could have handled the drinking situations a bit better-- I was just having fun on a holiday...the liquor was running deep for our whole group that day. The first occurrence wasn't bad, I was just a bit more outgoing/spontaneous and he said he didn't expect that. 

Also want to add that I truly think deep down I resorted to drink a bit more due to being unemployed and wanting to just not think about being unemployed in those moments. 

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2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I think this guy is looking to "punish" someone for all the past pain. 

So he chose this moment to punish you and cast you out of his life, because it doesn't sound like he ever really dealt with his ex cheating on him. Should you have been honest about being out of work? Sure. But is he over-reacintg? Yes, without any question. Major projection going on there. 

He's showing you that he is rigid and lacks any empathy. His stance towards you is punitive and I would not be sad to lose someone like this. Notice how he made this all about him and his feelings? Never asked how you were coping with unemployment? Never tried to meet you halfway on this? Made you feel bad for cutting loose and having a good time with a few drinks? He sounds controlling, honestly. 

Toodles, dude. He's not the great catch you think he is. 

 

Yes, yes, and yes. Thank you

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Just now, mkayrae said:

Thanks for the response and validation. Just gotta keep pushing...day by day it'll get better. Yes, I def. could have handled the drinking situations a bit better-- I was just having fun on a holiday...the liquor was running deep for our whole group that day. The first occurrence wasn't bad, I was just a bit more outgoing/spontaneous and he said he didn't expect that. 

I'll give you advice that hopefully you can use in the future.

First six months, everyone is on their best behavior, and because of that, it's difficult to tell if this person actually suits you, or not.

They aren't showing you all their sides, you aren't showing all of yours.

You're only showing each other all the happy, good things..hearts, flowers, etc.

That means whatever feelings you're feeling, may not actually be real, but rather a type of fantasy/lust.

Both of which is fleeting.

It's good to feel wanted, good to feel like someone finds you really attractive, it's exciting.

But try to be a bit logical about it.

Until you see all the sides of one another, you can't know for sure if you two fit.

You need to see each others sides that aren't all hearts and flowers.

Being sick, tired, frustrated, annoyed, angry, upset, nervous, scared, worried, etc.

Only then can you truly know if this person is going to match with you.

This guy seen a few different sides of you that weren't the most attractive, and what does he do?

He bolts.

That should tell you something.

It doesn't mean you're a bad person, or that you ruined everything....it simply means he is not the right one.

He's not your person.

You hit close to the 6 month mark with this guy, and that's around how long it takes before you know it's real, or just a passing fancy.

It wasn't a good connection, so try not to take it so hard.

Even though you can't or don't want to see it right now....he's not the one.

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3 minutes ago, mkayrae said:

Also want to add that I truly think deep down I resorted to drink a bit more due to being unemployed and wanting to just not think about being unemployed in those moments. 

Honestly, it's okay.

No one is judging you for it. Life can get stressful and messy.

This dude shouldn't have judged you for it either.

But he did, and he made you feel bad.

He's not a great guy.

Forgive yourself, please stop feeling so bad. 

You're human and your mistakes are no where near as badly as he is punishing you for.

Brush yourself off, you don't need him, head held high...move forward without this jerk.

 

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Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this. 

I had a somewhat comparable situation happen in my last relationship. I (now 26 M) was dating someone (23 F) (the event that follows was a year or two prior so adjust the ages accordingly). I thought she was just "traditional" at first and liked me to drive her around. Sometimes her parents would drive her. I thought that was odd - and after a while I did not like that it seemed I was making more of an effort than she was. After a while, I confronted her about it. It came to light that she did not have her driver license - she withheld that information for quite some time before she told me. Eventually, she confessed that she was embarrassed that she did not have it and did not want me to think less of her. I simply told her I wish she would have told me sooner, but I was glad she told me now. I also said that I thought she should take steps to obtain it moving forward. While eventually this topic did become a stressor in our relationship, suffice to say I did not overreact. An ordinary person does not like when their significant other withholds information that may affect the relationship from them - but it is not the end of the world.

You did not tell him about quitting your job, which is a pretty major life event. In withholding that information, you made a relatively minor mistake, just like my ex did. The only difference I see is that here, unfortunately, it triggered some of his insecurities, probably from his past relationships. I do not expect the next guy to make such a big deal about something like this - like I said above, for instance, I did not overreact like your ex did. Next time, you know to keep your significant other in the loop of major life events, lest they feel like you hid material information from them. 

I cannot help but mention that it was rude and inconsiderate of him to set plans to talk and then ghost you. You deserve better, OP. Not only are there guys out there who indeed will console and reassure you when you err, but will also treat you with the respect and compassion you deserve. 

--

Hope this helps. 

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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4 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this. 

I had a somewhat comparable situation happen in my last relationship. I (now 26 M) was dating someone (23 F) (the event that follows was a year or two prior so adjust the ages accordingly). I thought she was just "traditional" at first and liked me to drive her around. Sometimes her parents would drive her. I thought that was odd - and after a while I did not like that it seemed I was making more of an effort than she was. After a while, I confronted her about it. It came to light that she did not have her driver license - she withheld that information for quite some time before she told me. Eventually, she confessed that she was embarrassed that she did not have it and did not want me to think less of her. I simply told her I wish she would have told me sooner, but I was glad she told me now. I also said that I thought she should take steps to obtain it moving forward. While eventually this topic did become a stressor in our relationship, suffice to say I did not overreact. An ordinary person does not like when their significant other withholds information that may affect the relationship from them - but it is not the end of the world.

You did not tell him about quitting your job, which is a pretty major life event. In withholding that information, you made a relatively minor mistake, just like my ex did. The only difference I see is that here, unfortunately, it triggered some of his insecurities, probably from his past relationships. I do not expect the next guy to make such a big deal about something like this - like I said above, for instance, I did not overreact like your ex did. Next time, you know to keep your significant other in the loop of major life events, lest they feel like you hid material information from them. 

I cannot help but mention that it was rude and inconsiderate of him to set plans to talk and then ghost you. You deserve better, OP. Not only are there guys out there who indeed will console and reassure you when you err, but will also treat you with the respect and compassion you deserve. 

--

Hope this helps. 

Thank you, Lesson Learned for sure --- this past month between him not following through on plans to see me has been so painful.  The thought of possible reconciliation would give you that high then of course the really bad lows once I realized he's not following through and ignoring me. So incredibly disrespectful. Crazy One minute they think the world of you, then the next minute you're trash...

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6 minutes ago, mkayrae said:

Thank you, Lesson Learned for sure --- this past month between him not following through on plans to see me has been so painful.  The thought of possible reconciliation would give you that high then of course the really bad lows once I realized he's not following through and ignoring me. So incredibly disrespectful. Crazy One minute they think the world of you, then the next minute you're trash...

The last line tells you exactly who he is.....you dodged a bullet.

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I am very sorry that you are hurting.  Based on what you wrote, imo, both of you have issues that you need to address in order to have a more successful outcome in your next relationship. It sounds like you both triggered each others inner fears i.e. you were not a good match.  Imo, he did love-bomb you at the start and he does have issues regarding avoidance and healthy communication when things go bad.  

However, it does sound like you may have sabotaged your relationship as well due to low self-esteem and fears that you are not good enough.  Imo, you need to address what happened with a therapist.  You say that you are not an alcoholic.  However, using alcohol to soothe stress/emotional pain is a very slippery slope.  Imo, you should not dismiss these occurrences as insignificant.  I for one would treat it as a huge red flag if my date proceeded to get drunk on a night out with me and did it twice, regardless of the circumstances. 

The way he proceeded to cut you off was indeed dysfunctional but imo, his reasons were valid.  Using alcohol during dates to address your feelings of shame and low self-esteem, imo, was a sign that you need time on your own to find your emotional footing before you can add another person into your life. You were not ready.  As for him, he has issues of his own that he needs to address as it sounds like the way he handles relationship conflict is by withholding communication.  

Imo, you both share part of the responsibility regarding how things unraveled and things did needed to end because neither of you were ready for a stable relationship.  Using alcohol to numb shame is not a "small issue" imo.  You need to nip this in the bud.  However, you did not loose a good one.  He does have issues that he needs to address on his own.  You on the other hand need to silence your inner critic and relinquish this need to "prove yourself" in order to be loved. You are good enough as you are and the right person will be able to see that.  In the meantime, imo, therapy could help you address this debilitating shame that is hurting you.  You are good enough as you are. Best of luck.

 

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1 hour ago, mkayrae said:

 I resorted to drink a bit more due to being unemployed 

Ok. Good insight. Focus on getting sober and finding work.

You dodged a bullet. It was only 28 weeks of dating, so be glad you cut your losses.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Focus on sobriety and employment before you attempt dating again.

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I think this is a good lesson to realize the importance of being honest and not lying to people and taking ownership.

From my own experience, I dated someone and she lied about little things like having a child to living with an "ex" boyfriend. She justified the lying because she wanted me to "like her for who she is" and blamed me for not being ok with being deceived.

Please take this as a lesson to be truthful to people when you are dating. I know it may not be the advice you are looking for, but I really believe it is the truth.

 

 

Edited by mical
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2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It's also possible, OP, that he was thinking of ending this anyway and you gave him a convenient excuse to do so and blame you for it. 

It might not really be related to your lie of omission at all.

That's what I'm thinking, too.

If I were in his shoes, I'd most likely have an issue with her lying about her job and drinking too much. But I wouldn't run crying out of the room over these things ("why me".... that's a bit much). It would be more like a shift in my mind, where she'd move from "serious prospect" to "ok for now." 

His on/off switch behavior suggests to me that either 1) he has some emotional or mood issues, or 2) he was looking to move on but lacked the maturity/courage to do so.

Edited by Jibralta
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7 hours ago, mkayrae said:

After the second occurrence where I drank more than usual (which was on a holiday/memorial day) the next morning I knew something was wrong......he didn't text like he usually did in the morning and I apologized remorsefully for maybe embarrassing him.  Apparently, he was super super super hurt by it.  

He proceeded with a cold text toward me saying he needed to process what happened.  When he sent that, my alarm bells went off

You see, HE began to distance himself BEFORE he was even aware of your job loss - so all is not due to your lie re: your job.

 

7 hours ago, mkayrae said:

I feel he's projecting all his hurt from his past relationships on me and I don't get a second chance to prove myself.   Some of my friends say that he will continue to have issues if he shuts down every time a prospective lover makes a mistake. 

Correct.. is NOT all on you.  He's been damaged due to his own past.

 

7 hours ago, mkayrae said:

I wish we could have talked about this in person/on the phone since we were involved in each others lives for almost 6 months. I feel so unheard and unseen by him-- I never thought the one person I truly thought had strong feelings for me, understanding and compassion, just decided that morning that he never wanted to see or talk to me in person again.

Yes, sadly, things were not able to get too deep with him, by sounds of it.. Like, once you go thru the 'honeymoon phase', reality hit.... he pulled away.

 

7 hours ago, mkayrae said:

Also want to add that I truly think deep down I resorted to drink a bit more due to being unemployed and wanting to just not think about being unemployed in those moments. 

That's fine.. it is understandable.. but don't take this whole thing about YOU having some drinks throughout... Because it is not all about that.  You were struggling with things.. it's okay - been there ;).

So try to look past this.. I know, you are over-thinking everything!  Don't.

FACT:  He pulled away, being a weak man as he is, at this time.

 

Anywhooo.... you accept.. work thru your pains, and wipe this slate clean.

Chin up.  Give it time. Because you KNOW your worth! ❤️ 

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I think he was hurt more by drinking part. Meaning that his ex probably had that habit of drinking and behaving badly during it. So it triggered him way more then usual. Lying about job was just icing on the cake.

Neverthless, doesnt mean he is right. Essentially you didnt do anything particullary wrong. Well, you could have told him straight away about the job thing, those kind of things you dont hide from partner, but OK. People in healthy relationship deal maturelly with those issues. If he had a problem with you drinking he could have told you, not pout away. Same with job, instead of being supportive when he found out he almost straight up ghost you. Point is, he lacks emotional stability to deal with relationship issues. You drinking made him think you are not suitable candidate for him immediately just for that. And he focused on lying instead of an issue. You tried to fix stuff while he did exactly nothing to reach out. With that kind of low emotional stability, yes, you are far better without him. Your friends are right, he will continue to have issues like that. Relationships arent just sunshine and rainbows, people deal with far worst stuff and come out on top. So, forget about that one and move on.

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OP, the lesson getting lost in the dust here is that you should have listened to your very own instincts early on when you felt that the way he was coming onto you was scary. You were right and you should have run for the hills.

Yes, he was love bombing you and then he flipped and became punitive and abusive. Your own feelings of insecurity and guilt lead you into begging, pleading and apologizing for what exactly? Being human? He dragged out the break up because he enjoyed seeing you down on your knees so to speak. Quite a sick power trip for him.

You didn't lose a good guy, you dodged a major bullet. Next time, listen to your gut early on and walk away fast from these types.

Just to put things in perspective for you. A normal decent guy would have talked to you about getting drunk the first time and address it politely if he has an issue with that. A two way conversation where he would express his views and discomfort AND listen to you and your views and reasons as well. If he still decided that this is not going to work for him, then he'd tell you and end things politely. He would not pout, act out, guilt trip you, punish you, etc., etc., etc. What this guy did and the way he behaved is the definition of toxic psycho. Instead of continuing to blame yourself, learn from this because this is exactly the sort of person you should avoid like the plague.

On a side note, self improvement is good, but be careful about placing blame on yourself for other people's lack of character. 

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18 hours ago, Clio said:

I am very sorry that you are hurting.  Based on what you wrote, imo, both of you have issues that you need to address in order to have a more successful outcome in your next relationship. It sounds like you both triggered each others inner fears i.e. you were not a good match.  Imo, he did love-bomb you at the start and he does have issues regarding avoidance and healthy communication when things go bad.  

However, it does sound like you may have sabotaged your relationship as well due to low self-esteem and fears that you are not good enough.  Imo, you need to address what happened with a therapist.  You say that you are not an alcoholic.  However, using alcohol to soothe stress/emotional pain is a very slippery slope.  Imo, you should not dismiss these occurrences as insignificant.  I for one would treat it as a huge red flag if my date proceeded to get drunk on a night out with me and did it twice, regardless of the circumstances. 

The way he proceeded to cut you off was indeed dysfunctional but imo, his reasons were valid.  Using alcohol during dates to address your feelings of shame and low self-esteem, imo, was a sign that you need time on your own to find your emotional footing before you can add another person into your life. You were not ready.  As for him, he has issues of his own that he needs to address as it sounds like the way he handles relationship conflict is by withholding communication.  

Imo, you both share part of the responsibility regarding how things unraveled and things did needed to end because neither of you were ready for a stable relationship.  Using alcohol to numb shame is not a "small issue" imo.  You need to nip this in the bud.  However, you did not loose a good one.  He does have issues that he needs to address on his own.  You on the other hand need to silence your inner critic and relinquish this need to "prove yourself" in order to be loved. You are good enough as you are and the right person will be able to see that.  In the meantime, imo, therapy could help you address this debilitating shame that is hurting you.  You are good enough as you are. Best of luck.

 

I'm excited to be seeing my therapist tomorrow to help unpack this and also dig more into my own issues, shame, and insecurities. There were a handful of times where he would want to talk about things the next time we saw each other. (before all of these incidences) However each time he avoided to bring it up and then I would get a text after I would leave or he would leave my apartment saying he "chickened" out on having the discussion he wanted. 

Trying to communicate with him was indeed a struggle and not really something I would imagine myself wanting to deal with in trying to claw it out of him every time conflict would rise. 

.....Also want to add, I did find a new job--one that I am really enjoying and look forward to everyday.  Things are on the up 🙂

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18 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It's also possible, OP, that he was thinking of ending this anyway and you gave him a convenient excuse to do so and blame you for it. 

It might not really be related to your lie of omission at all. 

VERY much possible. It stings that he strung me along a whole month. Continuing to say that he was processing and really making it seem like he was working toward wanting to reconcile.....Idk if he was just hoping I'd get fed up and then say sayonara! so that he wasn't the dumper ......  But damn, I really wanted to talk about it in person -- and had real hope that he would want to pick things back up. Those were some of his words "Sometimes I just want to pick things back up and other times I just want to cut it all off" 

I should of cut things right off when he said that.....

 

 

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17 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok. Good insight. Focus on getting sober and finding work.

You dodged a bullet. It was only 28 weeks of dating, so be glad you cut your losses.

Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Focus on sobriety and employment before you attempt dating again.

Yes, found a new job rather soon, things are going well on that spectrum now and creating more stability for myself that way. 

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10 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think he was hurt more by drinking part. Meaning that his ex probably had that habit of drinking and behaving badly during it. So it triggered him way more then usual. Lying about job was just icing on the cake.

Neverthless, doesnt mean he is right. Essentially you didnt do anything particullary wrong. Well, you could have told him straight away about the job thing, those kind of things you dont hide from partner, but OK. People in healthy relationship deal maturelly with those issues. If he had a problem with you drinking he could have told you, not pout away. Same with job, instead of being supportive when he found out he almost straight up ghost you. Point is, he lacks emotional stability to deal with relationship issues. You drinking made him think you are not suitable candidate for him immediately just for that. And he focused on lying instead of an issue. You tried to fix stuff while he did exactly nothing to reach out. With that kind of low emotional stability, yes, you are far better without him. Your friends are right, he will continue to have issues like that. Relationships arent just sunshine and rainbows, people deal with far worst stuff and come out on top. So, forget about that one and move on.

Thank you. Ugh I really wish I knew why that hurt him so bad. The only info he gave me was that I was being lovey dovey/hugging him and that he's not a super affectionate person in public. 

Yes, I agree with you... when two adults run into conflict, and issue, or something that is bothering the other person I think it would be a healthy thing to sit down and talk about it in a mature matter.  However, I guess the risks outweighed the rewards when it came to evaluating a relationship with me in his mind.....so his demeanor was more along the lines of peace out.  Which ***s with my mind knowing and feeling how much he was initially into me. It was like I was discarded..... 

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10 hours ago, DancingFool said:

OP, the lesson getting lost in the dust here is that you should have listened to your very own instincts early on when you felt that the way he was coming onto you was scary. You were right and you should have run for the hills.

Yes, he was love bombing you and then he flipped and became punitive and abusive. Your own feelings of insecurity and guilt lead you into begging, pleading and apologizing for what exactly? Being human? He dragged out the break up because he enjoyed seeing you down on your knees so to speak. Quite a sick power trip for him.

You didn't lose a good guy, you dodged a major bullet. Next time, listen to your gut early on and walk away fast from these types.

Just to put things in perspective for you. A normal decent guy would have talked to you about getting drunk the first time and address it politely if he has an issue with that. A two way conversation where he would express his views and discomfort AND listen to you and your views and reasons as well. If he still decided that this is not going to work for him, then he'd tell you and end things politely. He would not pout, act out, guilt trip you, punish you, etc., etc., etc. What this guy did and the way he behaved is the definition of toxic psycho. Instead of continuing to blame yourself, learn from this because this is exactly the sort of person you should avoid like the plague.

On a side note, self improvement is good, but be careful about placing blame on yourself for other people's lack of character. 

I struggle answering this because I still don't trust myself and my own judgement 😞 😞 I guess it just seems like he was sayin things a bit too forward without really knowing me. I even flat out asked him after he'd say things like, "You bring so much happiness to my life" "You are so unbelievably amazing" "You are what I've been looking for" after like 4-5 dinner dates ....I straight up asked him "How do you know I'm so amazing? You barley know me?" 

It just seemed a little off for me......but not entirely sure, maybe he was just being really nice and since I've been treated less than in previous relationships I took this behavior as unfamiliar--- so maybe I self sabotaged.....I flip flop between those two narratives a lot. 

Thank you for sharing the other perspective. That's how I would like to envision confronting conflict in a healthy relationship with someone you care about. 

 

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