Trust issues? Jealousy? SOS pls!

[A6716716711290]

Hi,

So I am with my other half for 5 years now and I have a bad tendency to get somewhat uncomfortable about her wearing  clothing that either reveals her cleavage or leggings that are tight and somewhat see through to work. Anyways she seems to wear these kinds of outfits when one of her coworkers are working with her and like it may be coincidence because it's not all the time but what should I do if anything at all? Based on our 5 years together she does like to dress and look nice. She's always seem faithful to my knowledge and never seems t flirt with any of her guy coworkers but she does make NSFW jokes but that's just how she is with anyone. 

I've told her about how I feel about her wearing clothes like those and she does try to compensate by wearing like black panties with black leggings  so it's "less noticeable" . I was thinking of just telling her

,"you know,I've been thinking you are your own person and I shouldn't be making you or guilt trip you into wearing less revealing clothing.  I know you want to feel pretty and look nice so wear what you want. I'll let you know if it's revealing or not and if you choose to wear it that's fine. We've been together for 5 years now and I should have more trust in you. If guys look at you that's fine, if they touch you even to tease you in a joking manner  and your not ok with it let me know and I'll deal with it but if I'll be honest , if I catch you cheating I'll dump you faster than diarrhea (I would say like this to lighten the mood a bit but to know I'm serious) but as long as you continue to be faithful , I promise to always be faithful to you and only to you and treat you like my amazing future wife I Know you will be because I Love You so much"

 

And with that I'll leave it at that and stay true to what I said. May I please get your opinions as I think that sometimes my thinking is bias and I tried to explain it as unbiased as possible to get an unbiased advice. 

 

Thank you ,

-A

[Cherylyn]

Save your breath and energy in all forms including in person, texts, emails, voicemails, etc.  No one will change for you.  A person is who they are.  Either accept her as she is or find another woman who dresses chic and modestly.

No one wants to be told what to do. 

People usually dress to garner attention.  Either it's to impress due to good taste or they want to look desirable and sexy.  Usually, provocative dressers are insecure and crave attention in order to fill a void.

Don't lecture her.  You need to find a woman who is compatible to you and she is not.

[Capricorn3]

I honestly wouldn't bother.  If after 5 years of being together, and you have mentioned it to her before, and not much has changed, then telling her all over again is not going to make any difference.  Clearly it goes in one ear and comes out the other - this is who she is and after 5 years you either learn to accept it, or find another more compatible to you and your morals and values.  She is NOT going to change.  Save your breath.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, I don't think you should say all of that to her, you're most likely going to set a spin off of defensive responses (an argument, because she will be affected). 

Maybe you can just have a decent chat with her sometime- of a lighter note?

Like actually just ask... 'is there a reason you wear these kinds of clothes?'  Does it make you feel better? ( In a nice way, not with an attitude) - But really don't even go there, if you have already, before).

If she says it is, then I guess you need to accept her choices.

As mentioned above, you can't change someone.

My sister was involved almost 10 yrs and had some might nice clothes for work.  BUT, she never cheated on her bf. 

But, to throw something in her face, like leaving her if she cheats - is kinda out of the ordinary & not necessary.. right?  She does not need any type of threat, especially if you know she isn't a cheater.

 

 

[MissCanuck]

Do you really need to repeat what she likely already knows? I am sure she understands that if she is cheated on you, you would dump her. That's generally a given in most relatiosnhips. 

Why is this coming up now, after 5 years together? Have you had a recent argument about this or something? 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, A6716716711290 said:

  my amazing future wife I Know you will be because I Love You so much"

You're controlling and abusive. 

Your diatribe about her outfits and "dumping her faster than diarrhea" sounds like jealousy, insecurities and possessiveness.

That speech sounds more like a threatening mandate from the Taliban.

 

[Smile4me]

Tbf I thought this was a joke I post. 
you chose to date her and probably fell for her looks whilst wearing these clothes, you can’t expect her to change now you have her. She is not your possession in which you can tell her how to act, dress or think now that she is in a relationship with you. She is her own person an should remain so doing what she wants to do and living how she sees fit.

I think if you did give her your little speech it is more likely to highlight a bunch of red flags in her that may well Make her dump you faster than diahorrea if she has an sense.

also by ending it with the fact you know she will be your wife because you love her so much sounds creepy, manipulative and ver possessive.

I suggest that you look upon yourself and your own insecurities as to why you would need to tell your partner how to dress especially when she has never cheated before. If you can’t trust your partner you should not be with her. It’s not only detrimental For your own mental Health but hers as well.

[Rose Mosse]

12 hours ago, A6716716711290 said:

I was thinking of just telling her

,"you know,I've been thinking you are your own person and I shouldn't be making you or guilt trip you into wearing less revealing clothing.  I know you want to feel pretty and look nice so wear what you want. I'll let you know if it's revealing or not and if you choose to wear it that's fine. We've been together for 5 years now and I should have more trust in you. If guys look at you that's fine, if they touch you even to tease you in a joking manner  and your not ok with it let me know and I'll deal with it but if I'll be honest , if I catch you cheating I'll dump you faster than diarrhea (I would say like this to lighten the mood a bit but to know I'm serious) but as long as you continue to be faithful , I promise to always be faithful to you and only to you and treat you like my amazing future wife I Know you will be because I Love You so much"

Saying this will demonstrate the level of anger management issues and streaks of rage and jealousy that you have. If you're here asking for advice about it, it's likely that you are also very aware of this and how inappropriate a comment like this would be and how abusive and controlling your thoughts have become. This is going to get worse, not better, with a comment like this or the longer time goes on. 

If you've already mentioned her leggings are transparent, she knows. You don't need to keep bringing it up. I strongly suggest you reconsider saying anything like this and go back to the drawing board.

You say she's faithful and so are you so why are you not believing that? Where is the ingrained belief that she might be cheating on you coming from? Why does her dress threaten you or your relationship or the way you feel as her male partner? Dig deep and figure out why you feel threatened and uncomfortable. You seem unusually paranoid. Why does your mind automatically discredit her and undermine her or your relationship?

 

[boltnrun]

What do you think will happen if she wears leggings? Do you think the pants will make her cheat? Or she wears them because she's trying to cheat? Or do you think some man will see her in them and will be overcome with uncontrollable lust?

[Lambert]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're controlling and abusive. 

Your diatribe about her outfits and "dumping her faster than diarrhea" sounds like jealousy, insecurities and possessiveness.

That speech sounds more like a threatening mandate from the Taliban.

 

I think Wiseman2 sums it up. I think you need to work on your insecurities and anger problems. 

I find your planned speech scary, creepy and not at all loving.

[DarkCh0c0]

@Smile4me all the way!

When I read the post, I was like "wt* did I just read?!".

OP this makes you sound like a controlling creep. She ain't your property. If she likes to dress this way, let it be. That's who she is and this is how she enjoys being herself. You can't change a person.

As everyone else said, look inwards. You need to address your insecurities, or simply leave this relationships.

Fyi If You were to give me that speech, I'd dump you too. Damn.

[tattoobunnie]

So in your line of thinking, if she wears a tight top or leggings, she's going to cheat on you?  Think about this.  Every time you bring up how she dresses, you are telling her she's an unfaithful skank.  Oof!

Next time, if you don't like the way she dresses, just leave, and let her find a new guy who loves her just the way she is.

I love to dress in revealing clothes, and have zero interest in ever cheating, and never look at other dudes.

"Check yo self before you wreck yo self "

-Ice Cube

 

[dias]

6 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

 

"Check yo self before you wreck yo self "

-Ice Cube

 

[LoveConquersAll]

On 7/14/2021 at 2:43 AM, A6716716711290 said:

I have a bad tendency to get somewhat uncomfortable about her wearing  clothing that either reveals her cleavage or leggings that are tight and somewhat see through to work.

Hi -A!

I think I may have the same tendency as you? I'm not entirely sure cleavage-revealing tops or see-through leggings are particularly professional in a workplace setting.

You don't seem to be the controlling type and it looks like, other than this, your relationship is completely fine.  I would therefore rule out jealousy or trust issues, based on the above. 

In order to give more specific advice however, could you please clarify (out of interest): what is her line of work?

 

[Tinydance]

Well the thing also is that at the moment women's fashions actually are fairly revealing. If you look around in summer you'll see women wearing short skirts, shorts, crop tops, spaghetti strap tops, tight dresses, you name it. A lot of women dress like this and even more full figured women sometimes dress like this. The modern women's fashions have changed a lot and they are not like in the 1950's where all the dresses were below the knee. I'm assuming it's acceptable at her work to dress like this and this is why she dresses like this. I'll often walk down the street just in leggings too because I wear very comfortable leggings and I like it. She doesn't have to change what she likes to wear for you. How that works is that if you don't like it, YOU can leave the relationship. 

[waffle]

1 hour ago, LoveConquersAll said:

You don't seem to be the controlling type and it looks like, other than this, your relationship is completely fine. 

lol if some guy sent me a threatening message/text/whatever like what is described in the first post, I would dump him so fast his head would spin.
(I wouldn't mention anything about "dumping him faster than diarrhea" because that's juvenile and in extremely poor taste) 

[smackie9]

So what does she do for work? I know that most workplaces don't accept dress that would be inappropriate for their business. She work as a waitress?

[LoveConquersAll]

On 7/14/2021 at 2:43 AM, A6716716711290 said:

"you know,I've been thinking you are your own person and I shouldn't be making you or guilt trip you into wearing less revealing clothing.  I know you want to feel pretty and look nice so wear what you want. I'll let you know if it's revealing or not and if you choose to wear it that's fine. We've been together for 5 years now and I should have more trust in you. If guys look at you that's fine, if they touch you even to tease you in a joking manner  and your not ok with it let me know and I'll deal with it but if I'll be honest , if I catch you cheating I'll dump you faster than diarrhea (I would say like this to lighten the mood a bit but to know I'm serious) but as long as you continue to be faithful , I promise to always be faithful to you and only to you and treat you like my amazing future wife I Know you will be because I Love You so much"

 

3 minutes ago, waffle said:

lol if some guy sent me a threatening message/text/whatever like what is described in the first post

Hi there. I've missed the threatening part in the OP (quoted above for your convenience) - can you please clarify?

[boltnrun]

On 7/13/2021 at 6:43 PM, A6716716711290 said:

if I catch you cheating I'll dump you faster than diarrhea

 

37 minutes ago, LoveConquersAll said:

 

Hi there. I've missed the threatening part in the OP (quoted above for your convenience) - can you please clarify?

There's the threat. He's basically equating wearing leggings with cheating or implying she wears leggings because she intends to cheat. Which is ridiculous.

At my former workplace it was a warehouse environment. Skirts and heels were not only silly options but were actually unsafe. We were told not to wear loose fitting garments because they could become caught in the conveyors. A long skirt could have led to loss of limbs or even death.

[DancingFool]

Zombie thread walking......

[LoveConquersAll]

On 7/14/2021 at 2:43 AM, A6716716711290 said:

if I catch you cheating I'll dump you faster than diarrhea (I would say like this to lighten the mood a bit but to know I'm serious)

 

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

There's the threat.

Where, though? I mean if I was cheated on (which did happen), I would dump him faster than diarrhoea also (which I didn't - not faster than diarrhoea anyway because we were married so obviously, by the time you file for divorce and try to separate amicably for 'the sake of the kids', that's at least 2 years gone, but you catch my drift). 

Anyway. There's tight garment for work and there's see-through and cleavage showing - not entirely the same, no? 

[waffle]

"If I catch you cheating" blah blah blah IS a threat and an unnecessary one, as well as the language "as long as you stay faithful I'll be faithful to you" I mean, what?  Why do things like this even need to be said?  Also, the tendency to give her permission to do things i.e. "so wear what you want. I'll let you know if it's revealing or not and if you choose to wear it that's fine" is definitely controlling.

Maybe OP should send this awful message to this young lady so she can see who she's dealing with and move it along.

[boltnrun]

I'm still trying to figure out how wearing leggings leads to cheating or means you are cheating lol. It's a lot more difficult to remove leggings than it is to pull up a skirt!

[lostandhurt]

The OP hasn't been back since the day after he first posted (July 14th). I am pretty sure this thread is dead.

Save your breath or key strokes in this case...

 Lost

[boltnrun]

But it's just so strange to me that someone would equate wearing leggings to cheating. It's been a fascinating discussion.