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Is she interested?


whatnow99
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A few years ago I met a girl overseas and we almost became a thing but miscommunication lead to it never happening. I went on to another, cutting her out of my life out of respect for the girl I was dating at the time. After that relationship ended I reached out to find out that me leaving her life had really hurt her. She was still there for me to help guide me through a rough patch, but there seemed to be an energy that she was still upset so I felt bad and decided to let her be and leave her alone.

Through out the years she always messaged to see how I was doing every couple of months or so and we would send a few messages back in forth on how life was going. But there seemed to still be some kind of tension so one of us would always end the convo after a few days. At the end of last year she reached out again and suddenly it was like the old us. We sent messages that took me over an hour to read and send everything, taking longer for her because english is not her native language. 

The convos have been deep and filled with compliments and pick me ups from both sides as well as a bunch of hard teasing. Shes told me that stuff I sent was the best thing anyone said to her, multiple times saying something nice I said was going to make her cry and she kept a picture of it. We've also both apologized about the past and explained to each other why and how it went down. She knows I think the world of her and has expressed how grateful she is I am in her life.

She might be moving to my location soon (life just brought us both there, its both of ours dream location). Now in my late 20's, there is no girl I've ever come across that even comes close to my feelings for her. Based off gut I feel like she has become interested again, but for the last 5 months or so communication has slowed down to one long message every week to three weeks. I tend to reply same day or within a few days but she takes her time. She apologizes for taking so long, explains shes bad at texting, and I know she busy with post grad university and a job at the moment. 

So my question is, does taking that long to reply mean she's not interested? The convos are deep and long winded but I know for myself that as busy as I am I get excited to hear from her and couldn't imagine taking so long to reply so I find time. When she does reply it definitely feels like she wants to talk and is enjoying having me around to talk to. But I've never come across a girl that was interested and wanted to only talk one every week or sow. I ask because I can't read the situation at all, and I would rather just go no contact if there isn't a chance. I cant focus on anyone else if she's allowing me to hold her attention even this often. On one hand I feel like the path to her is to just be patient and be around, gaining trust that I lost when I hurt her badly years ago. On the other hand I feel like she obviously isn't interested due to the delay's in the replies and I should leave her be. I convince myself she is just nice and caring and only replying because she feels forced, even though she has been the reason we kept contact over the years and started this stretch of actually regularly being back in each other's lives. Should I just leave her be? Or just stay patient? 

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I say just leave her alone, and date other women. If she ever does move to your area, then make a move. this is not the time to invest your time or your feelings.

Edited by smackie9
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Well, that's quite self-centered for her to guilt you into feeling bad for letting the friendship fade when you were dating someone else. Please don't stand up for that kind of guilt-tripping from someone.

She also appears very emotional in her texts, mentioning that the stuff you sent were the best thing anyone has said to her. I think she's layering on the compliments thick and you may be also but it's setting up a false sense of intimacy. Wait until you're both in the same town. Without meeting in person or sharing your time in person, these are just words on a screen and it's flimsy/not real.

Are you sure she's not getting over a break up of her own or dating someone else (off/on situation)? You should find out more about her and what her personal situation is before investing this much time and thought into dating her. I mean this in person again, not over the screen.

Since she's not in your town yet, pause and let things unfold. Ending contact is premature and too flighty. Just wait and see whether your friendship blossoms into something more or if indeed she moves to where you are located. 

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It may be best to view this as penpals who live in different countries, don't speak the same language and she is busy with demanding school and work.

You seem to be applying dating rules to this such as "takes a long time to reply", etc. Even though you are not dating, no less in a relationship.

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Are you sure she's not getting over a break up of her own or dating someone else (off/on situation)? You should find out more about her and what her personal situation is before investing this much time and thought into dating her. I mean this in person again, not over the screen.

I'm as sure as I can be that she is not involved with anyone. She has made it clear she is single and knows I am as well, we've discussed old relationships, future plans for how many kids we'd like to have and when (just in general not together), etc. I know her as well as you can know a person you don't see in real life everyday and I don't think she has any reason to lie about anything.  

I know at this point it means nothing, and by no means think we are dating or in any sort of relationship (maybe posted in the wrong forum I guess). It wasn't me just choosing to date someone else that was the problem, I wanted her and not the person I went with, it was that she was lead on hard thinking something serious was coming out of us then suddenly smacked with an overnight disappearance. I just read the situation wrong and thought she didn't care at the time whether I was in her life or not, and didn't know how seriously interested she was. Because of this I've just let her be and decided to just let her go completely, but she is the one who keeps coming around. 

I've spent years now with her in the back of my mind just wishing things could be even as they are now. I've dated women since that where literally my definition of a dream girl and couldn't shake the thought of her still. I know the next step is in person and that comes soon one way or the other, which is why I am worrying if I'm just convincing myself that she seems interested again and she isn't. I guess in a this "can't be real" place and am trying to look for signs in the situation that it is or isn't instead of being patient. We've discussed her coming to visit as a back up plan if the move doesn't come together for some reason. The next step is in person but I'm scared to try to attempt to put hard plans in place and find out I was way off in reading into her interest.   

   

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If you cannot close the gap as in you not her, then yes, the responsibility is up to her to move closer to you. Moving is more difficult for some than others and if it's not feasible or too difficult, I don't think you should take that personally either. 

I'd suggest you expand a little and take your mind out of these messages and back and forth emails. Keep in touch but stay in touch with your friends also and get back to your hobbies. If you find this is impossible because you're so frustrated with the situation or being in limbo (not "patient" if you want to call it that), I think you should call a spade a spade and move on. Don't keep writing notes and messages to each other or depending on her to respond. Simply stop being available for that and refocus your life that are much more rewarding and tangible. You need to be very careful about people who keep dragging out situations and appearing like they are helpless or need your constant attention. Some of that is flawed perception and perhaps your need to feel needed. 

Have the mindset that you are perfectly fine if you don't ever talk to her or see her again and that she is fully capable of working out her own life or stresses. She doesn't actually need you for anything. Go from there. 

You have to decide and play an active role in mitigating all that frustration if you're frustrated in the long term. Doing the same thing over and over with fruitless or lackluster results is not good for your overall mental health. You're stopping yourself from meeting other women and engaging with others more meaningfully. 

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@whatnow99 how come you haven't made a move yet and went to visit her? At least that'll help you see what all this is about- provided it is feasible of course.

Otherwise, I suggest you let it go for now. If she moves soon and lets you know, maybe you can try then.

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YOU reached out to her.. again.

You noticed for a good while, she seemed upset with you.

Now, suddenly she seems more 'normal' and accepting with you.

I do find it a little odd that you two would discuss 'a future'.. kids etc- when you really have not ever been involved.

And things went sour once, already.

It is all talk, anyways.  Is far from reality.

You don't even know how she is now ( not sure how long you two have not spoken), but experience and time does change people.

As well, yes.. distance!  And she cannot speak your language?

I highly suggest you do figure this all out.  Is it just best to leave this as friends now.  No expectations?

One should never be led on (especially again).  But, you need to communicate re: this matter, soon.

So, you both understand the situation.

And should it not be anything in the future, is best you DO leave this all alone... accept, finally & move on with your life.

 

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On 7/13/2021 at 12:44 PM, whatnow99 said:

So my question is, does taking that long to reply mean she's not interested?

Not necessarily. 

But a word of caution: building something up for five months long distance is setting yourself up for disappointment. As Catfeeder pointed out, it's all fantasy at this point.

Edited by Jibralta
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