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Should I marry or let go of this girl


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No when she reveled everything, it was not that she knew about this side of my nature.

But you just said: "She knows I will turn out to be monstrous if I figure out she has intimate experience after marriage." That is what I am saying. I understand she may not have had that information right away, but she does now. 

She knows you will leave / turn hostile if she tells you that she has had prior relationship experience. So, you are not making it easy for her to tell the truth IF she has had past relationship experience.

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Therapy is not working, as I am just not able to leave those thoughts. The *** I do now ?

I said see a physician: a doctor who could prescribe you anti-anxiety medication if they thought it would be medically appropriate.

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You meant she dint do anything seriously wrong, right ?

Yes, based on the information you have given, I do not think she has done anything seriously wrong.

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She tells that after marriage I would find out the truth

Are you saying she told you, "I will tell you the truth after we get married?" 

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 I met two other new girls, but I end up finding her in them which has again become messy

Is it morally or culturally appropriate for you to be looking for / meeting other women while you are with your current partner? That seems wrong. 

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I am 32, so new proposals are going down now because of age factor in my caste. 

You have time: there is no immediate need to make a decision. The person you are currently with treasures you. It sounds like she wants to marry you. 

Take a breath. See a doctor for anxiety. Work on the relationship. Do not make any decision for a while. 

Your "proposals" will not significantly decrease a few weeks or even a year from now.  

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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do you have a past? Sexually or datingwise. If you do, its unfair to hold it against her.

I think you should break up because SHE deserves better. She deserves someone who accepts her - if you marry her, you will be constantly bringing up that she dated before you and will be an impossible man - you might turn to be an abusive husband. You will be bringing it up in 30 years still

i find it odd that you are asking her about sexual positions - trying to leave no stone unturned to find out everything she did and then hold it against her. I think even if the woman was a virgin but she had a crush on  a boy in school years ago, you would be jealous as well.

Edited by abitbroken
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58 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

do you have a past? Sexually or datingwise. If you do, its unfair to hold it against her.

I think you should break up because SHE deserves better. She deserves someone who accepts her - if you marry her, you will be constantly bringing up that she dated before you and will be an impossible man - you might turn to be an abusive husband. You will be bringing it up in 30 years still

i find it odd that you are asking her about sexual positions - trying to leave no stone unturned to find out everything she did and then hold it against her. I think even if the woman was a virgin but she had a crush on  a boy in school years ago, you would be jealous as well.

^ I second this entire post.

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On 7/13/2021 at 4:38 PM, samsingha said:

 Or will I continue to torture her with my doubtful nature ?

Yes, you will.  This seems to be a strong part of your personality - fixating on things and not letting go.  Do NOT marry her.  She deserves someone who doesn't hold things against her for the rest of her life and will make her life miserable.

You need to sort out all your OWN issues before marrying anyone.

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If you have to ask on a public forum whether or not you should marry this girl, it's obvious that you have doubts and misgivings. 

She's a liar.  Once a liar, always a liar.  I don't like nor love anyone whom I cannot and will not trust. 

Listen to your intuition and gut instincts because it's always correct. 

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@Pleasedonot5 & others

So I have done a breakup, and within 24 hours, I have started feeling very guilty for all my actions and grilling and sharing with my close circle that I did. The RJ has vanished, it was to the extent I was imagining her in positions and all. I definitely miss her, and now I feel she was saying the truth and was a great soul (but this thing happens for 2 hours), and another 2 hours I feel I am glad its over. I terribly miss her and our connection, its been only 24 hours and I have a volcano of emotions inside me. Now I have decided for next 20 days, I dont have to think about her. I feel since the person has gone, RJ and all other bull*** that was inside my head is also gone now and I am able to sleep peacefully. 

However, I still feel she was an amazing girl, so after 20 days, if I get back to her, do u feel I would be able to start fresh and those rj and all wont ever return ? If it returns again, I will do a permanent breakup, but do u feel I can start fresh again after 20 days ? (20 days is the deadline her family has given me, else they will marry her off somewhere else).

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Well, you act as if getting her back within 20 days is a viable option. I am not sure the extent of her family's say in this, but this really is not fair to her. Do not go back to experiment with your jealousy... That is pretty cruel. She is a human being, not your lab rat. Get back together with her only if you are sure she is someone you want to marry. 

You were unsure about this relationship. You ultimately decided to break up. And now, you appear to feel better. So, your actions and subsequent feelings suggest that a break-up is what was best for you here.

You will most likely continue to experience your weird jealousy quirk with each and every person that you are with until you get your insecurities or anxieties under control. As I suggested earlier, I recommend that you see a doctor and ask him or her to evaluate you for anxiety. Maybe anxiety is driving your jealousy / insecurity.

Best of luck. 

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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3 hours ago, samsingha said:

@Pleasedonot5  20 days is the deadline her family has given me, else they will marry her off somewhere else.

It seems like you just don't want to get married. At least not to someone your parents arranged.

That's why you're relieved. 

Ask your parents to pick someone else.

 

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It's not nice to break up with her and then expect her to just take you back after "20 days".  People are not toys to play with and experiment on.

Let her go permanently, now.  And maybe your parents can introduce you to some other marriageable ladies.

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On 7/13/2021 at 1:38 AM, samsingha said:

What do I do ? Do I let go of her, or do I let go of those intrusive thoughts.

Do you ever really question your intrusive thoughts? Like why do you say that you trust her, and then immediately say that she could be lying? Why does history make her a bad person, why does it mean she's a liar?

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12 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Do you ever really question your intrusive thoughts? Like why do you say that you trust her, and then immediately say that she could be lying?

Exactly. I say I trust her, because I want my mind to trust her, because I madly love her and I was like addicted to this person. But 2+2=4 is not happening inside my head, because somewhere my gut instincts say she has been lying at times with me. Now, after I make up my mind that I want to marry her, the intrusive thoughts take over and give me sleepless nights, and now when I think about letting her go, the memories put me up in depression like state. What the hell do I do man ? I have been cheated on twice before this, so I have a hard time trusting girls. This girl is absolutely fantastic, so on one side my heart says to marry her, but on the other side, my mind or gut says something is not right. It could also be that the intrusive thoughts trusting her are due to my own doubtful nature and what she is saying is the truth, but why is my mind not able to trust her. The moment I try to say that 'yes I want to marry her' something is stopping me, and staying away from her gives me depression like feeling.

Isn't it that people are usually uncomfortable talking about past, so they do tend to make mistakes which I should let go of instead of forming my opinion based on what she has said two different times ? But the mind says how can someone make such big blunders when revealing about their intimate things ?

Edited by samsingha
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One possibility that comes to mind is, maybe you're pushing yourself too fact into marriage. You can't make a good decision if you're rushing. Another possibility is that, based on your experience with two women, you're lumping all women into one group. That's not clear thinking, either.

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I think ending it made sense.  You didn't like her as a person let alone love her.  Everything you wrote is consistent with being in love with love or an ideal you've fantasized she meets and that she is larger than life and magical.  That's not the kind of healthy caring and potential love that is part of a healthful romantic relationship.  I agree with seeking counseling.  Good luck.

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On 7/18/2021 at 3:32 AM, samsingha said:

Exactly. I say I trust her, because I want my mind to trust her, because I madly love her and I was like addicted to this person. But 2+2=4 is not happening inside my head, because somewhere my gut instincts say she has been lying at times with me. Now, after I make up my mind that I want to marry her, the intrusive thoughts take over and give me sleepless nights, and now when I think about letting her go, the memories put me up in depression like state. What the hell do I do man ? I have been cheated on twice before this, so I have a hard time trusting girls. This girl is absolutely fantastic, so on one side my heart says to marry her, but on the other side, my mind or gut says something is not right. It could also be that the intrusive thoughts trusting her are due to my own doubtful nature and what she is saying is the truth, but why is my mind not able to trust her. The moment I try to say that 'yes I want to marry her' something is stopping me, and staying away from her gives me depression like feeling.

Isn't it that people are usually uncomfortable talking about past, so they do tend to make mistakes which I should let go of instead of forming my opinion based on what she has said two different times ? But the mind says how can someone make such big blunders when revealing about their intimate things ?

I think that she was not a liar -- its just that you don't trust women. You don't think they are trustworthy and you also feel that they should not have had any sort of crush, attraction or relationship before they met you and you should be the first man that they looked at with love and attraction.  Yet you expect them to want to have sexy talk with you -- and when they speak of things that make you curious or aroused you are upset that they must have had a lot of experience before you.

 

You don't feel retroactive jealousy right now because you have broken up with her.  You will feel it again with the next woman.

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