Should I marry or let go of this girl

[samsingha]

Okay, so I have been in a relationship with a girl from 6 months now. She is absolutely everything I want in a girl. She has always been saying that I am the first guy in her life and her first love and all. But, recent conversations tell me that she’s had a past and its my gut feeling that says it because of the way she talks. Now, I dont have an issue with past, but she says that she casually dated a guy from ‘x’ city, then after some time she tells it was a in a ‘y’ city. Then she says it was slip of tongue. Talking about intimacy, she tells she loves certain positions and stuff which is ok, but the way she describes it tells me she has experience. I confronted her about this, and she says it was slip of tongue and that I should trust her. But in past one month, I am unable to trust her words and being the OCD personality I am, I am obssessed with these thoughts. Now, I really love this girl (she has all the fanstastic values and qualities like loving, caring, family oriented), but I am unable to see her beyond those things. Unfortunately, my nature is very doubtful and I am working on it, and I want to trust this girl and move ahead with her, but my mind is stopping me continuously & letting go of those things. The moment I feel like ‘cutting her off’, I drown in depression and anxiety, but when I want to accept her, I again feel drowning in anxiety and depression. I am seeking therapy and its not helping. What do I do ? Do I let go of her, or do I let go of those intrusive thoughts. I am finding it difficult to do both now. She is the girl of my dreams, but some things I am finding it difficult to accept. She is very honest in all things which is my gut feeling, but my gut also says some things are not matching up. I am from a conservative Indian culture. 

[SooSad33]

She is the girl of your dreams?

Then work harder... at letting go that she may have 'a past'.  Is not okay if she does?

Whats concerning is if she's just lying about it... could there be a reason for her to do that?  Is she supposed to be a virgin?

Is has been 6 months.  If this is not right for you, then maybe you trust your gut.

[samsingha]

7 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

at letting go that she may have 'a past'.  Is not okay if she does?

I suffer from retroactive jealousy.

8 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Whats concerning is if she's just lying about it... could there be a reason for her to do that?

No, absolutely no reason to do it I feel, then why is mind messing it up and pushing her away when my heart says I wont be able to find a magical girl like her ?

[Rose Mosse]

Have you met in person? Or are these conversations only over the phone/online? 

If some things are not adding up for you, trust your instincts. Living in doubt like this is not the way to go. At six months it's still infatuation, not love. Love takes time to develop, to acknowledge and see all the flaws in your partner, not just the magical or good points about them. You should complement one another and be able to trust each other. 

I don't think you should waste your time with this person any longer if you don't get a good feeling about her. There is sometimes no rationalization for the way someone just rubs you the wrong way initially but all that is revealed later and you've completely dodged a bullet. 

 

[samsingha]

1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

Have you met in person? Or are these conversations only over the phone/online? 

Most of it has been on phone, but yes we've met.

2 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You should complement one another

We've had a magical connection, and like we literally are lost when we are talking to each other. But the moment I get away from her, all the other things start cropping up inside my head.

I am 32 and from a conservative Indian mindset & pressured to marry now, what if I dont find an amazing gal like her ? Will I regret later when I compromise and settle down ? I will definitely miss her, but my demons and doubts are simply not going and I am finding difficult to accept her, though I adore her, love her and love our chemistry.

[samsingha]

When I am with her on phone or in person, I am very very happy. When I am away, these immature and creepy thoughts of being doubtful take over. So these thoughts would hopefully go away after marriage when we stay together, right ? Or will I continue to torture her with my doubtful nature ?

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with these worries. 

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I suffer from retroactive jealousy.

This is a cute label, but instead you should say that you are so insecure that you fixate on "threats" that no longer exist.  Walk me through your worst-case scenario here: say a romantic interest discloses to you that she had been with someone (or a few people) in the past. What specifically has you so worried?

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she says that she casually dated a guy from ‘x’ city, then after some time she tells it was a in a ‘y’ city

That was probably a slip of the tongue. Maybe she went on a date with guy A from one city and a different date with guy B from the other city. 

No one is going to accurately recall little details like that 100 percent of the time. 

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Talking about intimacy, she tells she loves certain positions and stuff which is ok, but the way she describes it tells me she has experience.

I understand your suspicion here.

On one hand, maybe she knows these positions from watching/reading pornography and/or from helping herself out. On the other hand, maybe she has had sexual experience with these casual dates and is worried that you will not understand. You did say you suffer from "retroactive jealousy" and perhaps she has caught wind of that. While lying is not good, you probably have not made her feel comfortable enough to discuss this private/intimate topic. 

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Hope this helps. 

[samsingha]

1 minute ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Walk me through your worst-case scenario here: say a romantic interest discloses to you that she had been with someone (or a few people) in the past. What specifically has you so worried?

That how great those exe's were, were they better than me, would she forget those moments, would I be better than them. I suffer from retroactive jealousy along with low self esteem too which I am taking efforts and addressing on a day to day basis.

3 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

You did say you suffer from "retroactive jealousy" and perhaps she has caught wind of that.

She caught wind before telling me all those things. So she came recently to know that I suffer from rj and so on. She has been screaming on top of her head, that she has no experience, but why am I so fixated on such 'slip of tongue' things ? Our families too have met and we are completely into each other, I am taking efforts & seeking therapy to overcome rj and low self esteem, I dont want her to go, but my doubtful nature on the second 'suspicion' that you pointed out is eating me up. She has a tendency to show that she knows everything and talk big things, but she is a plain cute simple girl overall and cant hide things, so how do I see her beyond these things. When I am saying I trust her, should I just trust her and that those expressions probably came from imaginary stuff like pornography and all ?

 

7 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Maybe she went on a date with guy A from one city and a different date with guy B from the other city. 

This adds on to my doubts then, coz she has ultimately said she has been on a date only in 'x' city.

I am sorry for my immaturity, but I am from a conservative Indian society, and probably my upbringing has made me like this where guys question all details and cant accept who has past and stuff.

She has been screaming on top of her head that she has no experience, then why do I not trust her because of the second suspicion ? Is the suspicion too big ?

[Pleasedonot5]

Thank you for your reply.

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That how great those exe's were, were they better than me, would she forget those moments, would I be better than them.

No, she would not forget any of it (unrealistic expectation). They were not that great because if they exist, they are exes or just former dates that never worked out. In contrast, her dates with you have worked out. She is with you now - and she clearly wants to be with you now. I.e., she's consciously decided to continue this relationship with you the entire time you have been together. Each and every day. 

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...but why am I so fixated on such 'slip of tongue' things ?

I think the "retroactive jealousy" (maybe we should just start calling it insecurity; it is not an incurable condition but rather a flaw you should fix), low self-esteem, and the behaviors purportedly ingrained in you from the "conservative Indian society" are the reasons you cannot move past these little things - at least in regard to her (possible) past. 

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I am sorry for my immaturity, but I am from a conservative Indian society, and probably my upbringing has made me like this where guys question all details and cant accept who has past and stuff.

A few of my guy friends moved to the U.S. from Punjab and Gujarat. While I am certain they have some insecurities, they do not fixate on these things. If they do not, then you do not need to fixate on them either. You are not just a victim of circumstance: you should probably take action to fix these insecurities. 

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my doubtful nature on the second 'suspicion' that you pointed out is eating me up

Whether she is telling the truth or not - I do not know. 

If she indeed has been lying to you, then it would ordinarily be perfectly reasonable to break up. All I am saying is that you have made it clear to her that you have these major insecurities. You are putting too much pressure on someone's past being perfect: if it is not spotless, you will break up with her and she knows this. Accordingly, if someone treasured you as she clearly does, it would not be unreasonable for them to decide not to over-disclose, thereby risking losing you. 

I think you wouldn't be worrying about her slips of the tongue if you did not impose these insecurities, low self-esteem, etc. onto her. There would be no doubt in your mind that when she decides to share parts of her past with you, she is doing so accurately. This is because you would not be actively and uncomfortably discouraging disclosure. 

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Last note:

I understand I may not have all of the cultural context here when I say this. But, in my view, unless there is some force, threat of force, or other compelling reason, you do not need to make the decision to break up or marry right away. Why not put up with your family's or society's lamenting for a while and simply get to know her a little better? Develop your relationship and become more comfortable - while you deal with your insecurities with a professional. Maybe taking some of the pressure off and realizing you do not need to make a decision immediately will help you approach your relationship with a cooler head. 

Oh, and I did not say this in my first response. If your therapist is not working for you, then perhaps you should see a new therapist. 

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Hope this helps. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Because you're insecure.

So what she's slept with other men? It's frankly not really any of your business.

Now it's all about you. It's about her being with you and loving you. You have to trust her and work on your self-confidence (you're projecting too much of that jealous macho vibe). You need to also trust that you will please her and look after her in your own way-incomparable to other men. So work on that. And if she keeps on bringing up other men, then say you're not comfortable with this. They are in the past.

[DarkCh0c0]

I agree with @Pleasedonot5 . There's no rush for marriage here. You both set the pace to it and let society think whatever it wants.

Take your time, get to know her and get some therapy.

And remember: she's not your "property" and this may not last forever. So take it easy.

[samsingha]

27 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

if someone treasured you as she clearly does, it would not be unreasonable for them to decide not to over-disclose, thereby risking losing you. 

She told me everything at the very beginning itself that she absolutely has no past, not after knowing me n the person I am. But why am I so fixated on the second suspicion that you have pointed out, when it could be imaginary stuff like watching porn n all. This girl knows I am fixated on things like virginity, then why would she risk her life with an ass like me who is bothered about such things in 2021 ? She is screaming that she is one, just that some of the things are not adding up inside my head, but would she risk lying to me ? Also, she has innumerable dudes lining up for her, I see no reason for her to lie to me, but like I said, maybe my overthinking and doubtful nature is not adding up things ?

@Pleasedonot5 Man, you are very helpful, please get me outta this mess with your rational posts. I have to make a decision in a couple of weeks now.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, samsingha said:

these immature and creepy thoughts of being doubtful take over. So these thoughts would hopefully go away after marriage 

Dating 24 weeks is too soon to think about marriage.

How old is she? This is not about her. This is about your wild thoughts taking over like a run away train.

Slow down. Get back to the doctor/therapist for the OCD.

 

[samsingha]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Dating 24 weeks is too soon to think about marriage.

How old is she?

Here in arranged marriages, we hardly get 1 week or two to decide. I have however took 5 months. She is 27, I am 32...already over aged for the Indian caste system for marriage.

[DarkCh0c0]

@samsingha sorry to say, but you barely know her. If you were able to delay this 5 months, delay this a few more months. Time will help you.

Imagine marrying her, sleeping with her and these same thoughts take over your mind. Imagine becoming angry about it the more you get to know her.

^You need to deal with this and your insecurities, so give yourself some time. It's already a big step to come here and talk about it, but none of us here are therapists.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, samsingha said:

Here in arranged marriages. She is 27, I am 32...already over aged for the Indian caste system for marriage.

Do you want to marry her? Do you have a choice?

[Tanzi]

Hi samsingha. Have you spoken to this girl about marriage? Does she have the same cultural pressures to marry? Maybe she feels that she has no choice but to keep tight lipped about her past, especially if she knows that you have a “conservative Indian mindset”. 

[lostandhurt]

9 hours ago, samsingha said:

I suffer from retroactive jealousy.

This is why she is being so cautious talking to you about her past.  If you haven't come right out and told her this she probably has figured it out on her own.

You say you don't have an issue with the past but the statement above says you do.

Everyone has a past including you and the thing to remember our pasts are what make who we are today.  She is who she is because of past experiences good and bad and everything in between.

  So let's say she came totally clean and told you she had dated two other guys and were intimate with both of them.  Is that a dealbreaker for you?  Would you dumb her over it?

Lost

[Kwothe28]

Possibly because of the culture she tells everyone they are her second. In conservative India cant really blame her. I mean you want to discard her just because of that.

Anyway, its a dumb reason to break up, man. If she has the same values and qualities, her experience shouldnt bother you that much. Talk to therapist about it.

[Pleasedonot5]

10 hours ago, samsingha said:

She told me everything at the very beginning itself that she absolutely has no past, not after knowing me n the person I am. But why am I so fixated on the second suspicion that you have pointed out, when it could be imaginary stuff like watching porn n all. This girl knows I am fixated on things like virginity, then why would she risk her life with an ass like me who is bothered about such things in 2021 ? She is screaming that she is one, just that some of the things are not adding up inside my head, but would she risk lying to me ? Also, she has innumerable dudes lining up for her, I see no reason for her to lie to me, but like I said, maybe my overthinking and doubtful nature is not adding up things ?

Why are you fixating on the second suspicion? Perhaps because you have some sort of anxiety disorder or just severe insecurity. That is something to work out with a physician or psychiatrist. 

Would she risk lying to you? If she knew that you would break up with her if she has a sexual past, then yeah, she might. If you were put into a situation in which you fell in love with a woman - and then it turns out she had this weird hang-up, that if she knew about something in your past, she would break up with you - then yeah, you might err on the side of non-disclosure, too. 

Of course, she definitely could be telling you the truth, too. Then your anxiety or bad habits are causing you to ruminate. I have two conflicting thoughts on this. First, usually one should trust their gut or intuition when it tells them something is wrong. Second, however, anxiety can distort our perception of reality. I suffer from an anxiety disorder. Before I was put on medication for it, my mind fell deeply into conspiratorial thinking. That is, whenever a situation had many plausible explanations, my mind almost always concluded that the one where everyone was against me - the worst-case scenario, was true. It seems like here also there are several reasonable possibilities. Your mind is concluding the worst one is true (and then also concluding if she had a past that you are the worst person she's been with - which is probably untrue). Your mind is making major leaps here.

Go get evaluated by a psychiatrist or general physician and ask them about anti-anxiety medication. Buspirone is a long-term anti-anxiety medication that has effectively treated my anxiety disorder. You may consider asking your doctor about it. In the U.S. - where healthcare is usually very expensive - buspirone is relatively inexpensive. In India, I bet it would be cheaper.

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@Pleasedonot5 Man, you are very helpful, please get me outta this mess with your rational posts. I have to make a decision in a couple of weeks now.  

Why do you have to make a decision in a couple of weeks? If you do not make a decision in a couple of weeks, what will happen? 

I'm imagining that your families (or society) may be pressuring you, but realize that you are both adults here and you can go at your own pace. Society be damned. 

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Hope this helps. 

[samsingha]

@Pleasedonot5 I am having very hard time trusting this girl, because she is capable of lying is what I feel. But I really really love this girl, n I dont think I will ever be able to love another girl. I met two other girls in arranged marriage setup, but all I do is search this girl in them (THIS IS SERIOUSLY HAPPENING). If I am not able to trust her, should I simply walk away, thinking that with time, these very deep feelings will fade away ? I have taken therapy too, but some things are simply not going away from my mind ? If I marry her thinking those things where it seems she lied will not matter in the long run ? But I am not able to trust her, something inside me is stopping me, but at the same time, I am lost in love with this girl...seems I am in a mess, what should I do ?

[Pleasedonot5]

Thanks for your reply.

I think you should have a physician evaluate you for anxiety. I am not a qualified professional but feel like you may suffer from an anxiety disorder. The repetitive thoughts, overwhelming/overpowering insecurities, and "OCD-like tendencies" as you put it are a clue.

In any case -

Yes, lying is a problem. But here IF she lied you didn't make it easy to tell the truth. She has come to know you'll leave her if you find out she had a past. 

A relationship requires trust, but, if you leave her, it would be because of your insecurities / distrust. In my opinion, it wouldn't be because she actually did anything seriously wrong. 

You love her, so leaving her would hurt like Hell. Eventually, you would heal. But, if you can find another way to work this out, then do not break up. 

And - again - society be damned. Unless there are some details I am missing, you do not need to make the decision right now. Take some of this "marry or break up" pressure off of your chest for the time being. Just enjoy your time together, put up with the family's/society's pestering or questioning, and have a physician evaluate you for anxiety. 

Last, 

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I met two other girls in arranged marriage setup

Are these prior women or women that you've seen while with your current partner?

If they are women in your past, what happened that ended these (potential) relationships?

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Hope this helps. 

[samsingha]

4 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

She has come to know you'll leave her if you find out she had a past. 

No when she reveled everything, it was not that she knew about this side of my nature. My insecurities are eating me up which you are right. She has been screaming that she hasn't had any past or intimate relationships, but I am finding difficult to trust this because my gut feeling says she is lying (my assumptions), but my heart doesnt want to let her go. I met two other new girls, but I end up finding her in them which has again become messy. I am the only child, I have to get married, n I am 32, so new proposals are going down now because of age factor in my caste. 

 

4 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

I think you should have a physician evaluate you for anxiety. I am not a qualified professional but feel like you may suffer from an anxiety disorder

Therapy is not working, as I am just not able to leave those thoughts. The *** I do now ?

 

4 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

because she actually did anything seriously wrong. 

You meant she dint do anything seriously wrong, right ?

4 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

if you can find another way to work this out, then do not break up. 

What would u suggest ? I have spoken to her, but that too is not working out. She tells that after marriage I would find out the truth, so trust her words and she says this with full confidence, why would any girl take this risk u feel ? She knows I will turn out to be monstrous if I figure out she has intimate experience after marriage. If the girl is telling this with so much confidence, should I ignore my insecurities and just go ahead and marry her thinking after marriage everything will settle down ? I deeply love her, and all my family members have approved her and told she is not someone who would lie and has amazing values ?

[DarkCh0c0]

"I have spoken to her, but that too is not working out. She tells that after marriage I would find out the truth". I'm sorry, why will she tell the truth only after marriage?

Listen, If you can't trust her and know you will become "a monster" once she opens up about it, then don't do it. She doesn't deserve this. Trust your gut, and acknowledge this area that you need to figure out/work on. You don't seem to be too keen to marry her and you've waited a good time to find a good partner, so I know you are not one to rush into things without thinking/checking with yourself- which is a good thing, specially in your society.

So if your gut is saying no, cancel this. For all we know, there might be other things that trigger your anxiety while being with her. Free yourself and work on your insecurities before finding someone else. Don't let family pressure get to you.

[Wiseman2]

Are you happy with the choices your parents are making for you? 

Do women in your culture/religion generally engage in premarital sex?