Jump to content

I think my boyfriend has a child that he hasn't told me about.


Recommended Posts

17 minutes ago, millienillie said:

 he dated her for 5 months. she texted him and was like this is your kid.

Of course she'll need to get a paternity test to establish child support. He has no interest in this child or finding out if it his?

Edited by Wiseman2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

12 minutes ago, millienillie said:

So I asked him about it today... He said that he dated her for 5 months and then they broke up. He didn't speak to her after they broke up and even moved to a new state. Months later after the kid was already born and a couple months old she randomly texted him and was like this is your kid. He says he isn't sure if the kid is actually his or not. I know most of you will say I need to breakup with him, but I'm honestly so confused and don't know how to react. I do believe him and I'm not as upset about him possibly having a kid than I thought I would be, but I hate that he didn't tell me.

He himself does not know if its his kid.  I would be more concerned if he knew it was his kid and he wasn't visiting the child/ supporting the child than the fact that he might have a child.  if he took a paternity test, would you break up if it was his kid, or would you break up if it wasn't? the lacksidasicalness would bother me more

Edited by abitbroken
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Of course she'll need to get a paternity test to establish child support. He has no interest in this child or finding out if it is?

I don't know if she'll try to put him on child support or if he sends her anything. He does want to know if the kid is his and he keeps up with everything that's happening with him. (his teeth growing in, doctors appointments, shots etc.)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

15 minutes ago, millienillie said:

So I asked him about it today... He said that he dated her for 5 months and then they broke up. He didn't speak to her after they broke up and even moved to a new state. Months later after the kid was already born and a couple months old she randomly texted him and was like this is your kid. He says he isn't sure if the kid is actually his or not. I know most of you will say I need to breakup with him, but I'm honestly so confused and don't know how to react. I do believe him and I'm not as upset about him possibly having a kid than I thought I would be, but I hate that he didn't tell me.

Riiiiiight.....so she just casually mentioned he has a kid, he casually thinks it's not his and they just casually keep in touch and share baby pics.

OP....you cannot possibly be this naive. The guy is a shameless liar and that alone should be grounds for dumping him yesterday. I do not understand how your alarm bells aren't going off full blast on this. Any sense of self preservation at all in there somewhere???

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, millienillie said:

he keeps up with everything that's happening with him. (his teeth growing in, doctors appointments, shots etc.)

Did he explain why he kept all this secret until you asked?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

He himself does not know if its his kid.  I would be more concerned if he knew it was his kid and he wasn't visiting the child/ supporting the child than the fact that he might have a child.  if he took a paternity test, would you break up if it was his kid, or would you break up if it wasn't? the lacksidasicalness would bother me more

I'm not sure why he hasn't gotten a paternity test yet. I don't think I would break up with him if it is his child. The kid is 16ish hours away from us so visiting him regularly would be hard, but I don't doubt that my boyfriend would support him.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Did he explain why he kept all this secret until you asked?

We met pretty much right after she told him. As I've said before I was pretty adamant about not wanting to date a man with kids so he never brought it up when we were just casually dating because he wasn't sure if the kid was his or not.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Riiiiiight.....so she just casually mentioned he has a kid, he casually thinks it's not his and they just casually keep in touch and share baby pics.

OP....you cannot possibly be this naive. The guy is a shameless liar and that alone should be grounds for dumping him yesterday. I do not understand how your alarm bells aren't going off full blast on this. Any sense of self preservation at all in there somewhere???

I mean if someone told you their child was yours would you just leave them on read? She lives 16 hours away idk what you want him to do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 minute ago, millienillie said:

I mean if someone told you their child was yours would you just leave them on read? She lives 16 hours away idk what you want him to do.

For one, I'd expect him to be honest from the get go about the situation. Two I'd expect him to know. It doesn't take much to get a paternity test once the child is born and confirm one way or the other. They don't even all need to be together to do it. They can all mail in their swabs for testing. I do suspect that he does already know and is just blowing smoke up your you know what about this whole thing. 

He was literally hiding a huge part of his life from you and wasn't going to tell you until you caught him out. That is the part that should send you running for the hills. A guy who will lie and hide things like....will lie and hide many more things. Not relationship material, OP and I sincerely hope you figure this out soon rather than learn the hard way later.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, millienillie said:

So I asked him about it today... He said that he dated her for 5 months and then they broke up. He didn't speak to her after they broke up and even moved to a new state. Months later after the kid was already born and a couple months old she randomly texted him and was like this is your kid. He says he isn't sure if the kid is actually his or not. I know most of you will say I need to breakup with him, but I'm honestly so confused and don't know how to react. I do believe him and I'm not as upset about him possibly having a kid than I thought I would be, but I hate that he didn't tell me.

So my issue is why didn’t he do a paternity test? He doesn’t care enough to know?? Ironically this woman isn’t being territorial as you were concerned about. But wow.  He’s not trying to confirm whether this person is his child?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The fact he is not endeavouring to find out if this child is his would concern me period. I have  no use for people who don’t find out if kids are theirs and support them, which includes being present in their life. 

Edited by Seraphim
  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, millienillie said:

I don't doubt that my boyfriend would support him.

I do. 

He hasn't even bothered to get a paternity test done. What does that tell you about his genuine interest in supporting him? 

Now that you know he might indeed have a child that he isn't looking after in any practical sense, and lied to you about it throughout the duration of your relationship? I would be done with him. He's not a good catch. There's a lot wrong with a person when they can pull a stunt like this, and not take care of their own responsibilities. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 hours ago, millienillie said:

 I was pretty adamant about not wanting to date a man with kids so he never brought it  

So as long as he's a deadbeat and absentee irresponsible father, it's ok to date a man who has kids?

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, millienillie said:

We met pretty much right after she told him. As I've said before I was pretty adamant about not wanting to date a man with kids so he never brought it up when we were just casually dating because he wasn't sure if the kid was his or not.

This is actually very understandable and common. This man has no real values, so he banks on the fact that you (and others) won't uphold your own. Chances are, he's been very successful thus far. There's a sucker born every minute, as the saying goes. 

An excellent example of his toxic lack of boundaries is his (supposed) failure to get a paternity test. What does it matter if he is the father or not? He's going to do what ever he pleases, either way.

He lies to get what he wants. And he banks on the fact that you'll set aside your own ideals to make excuses for whatever he does. Worst case, you'll leave. If that happens, he'll move on to the next sucker.

Open your eyes. The only way for you to win here is to lose this creep.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 hours ago, DancingFool said:

For one, I'd expect him to be honest from the get go about the situation. Two I'd expect him to know. It doesn't take much to get a paternity test once the child is born and confirm one way or the other. They don't even all need to be together to do it. They can all mail in their swabs for testing. I do suspect that he does already know and is just blowing smoke up your you know what about this whole thing. 

He was literally hiding a huge part of his life from you and wasn't going to tell you until you caught him out. That is the part that should send you running for the hills. A guy who will lie and hide things like....will lie and hide many more things. Not relationship material, OP and I sincerely hope you figure this out soon rather than learn the hard way later.

Posting this again.

OP you do not seem as adamant on being with a man with no kids. Look at you still chasing him AND accepting his lies and lack of responsibility towards his (possible) child.

I know you have feelings and other reasons, but for god's sake put them on the side and listen to the logic in here. Have some self-worth and respect. You only need to send him a message and say it's over. Idc how charming he is, he is a liar and he's irresponsible and disrespectful towards you (and his family).

Edited by DarkCh0c0
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Better hope you don't become pregnant by this man. You know he won't be involved at all and won't provide financial support for his child. And he'll hide you and his child from his next girlfriend. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can I just say....the fact that YOU had to go find this out yourself, and he did not ever tell you, or ever mention the possibility of this child, speaks volumes.

He doesn't trust you or feel comfortable enough with you to admit that he may have a child.

That's something he should have told you the first month into the relationship!!

He skipped past all that information, and it's pretty crucial information!

Him justifying it and saying it's because he's not sure if it's his child, is just a way to weasel out of the fact that he made a choice to not share important information with you and had this secret going on with this woman, for a very long time behind your back.

He also straight out lied to you, and if I were you, I would wonder what else he has lied about, or is keeping from you that you haven't found out about yet.

There are too many reasons why you should break up with this guy.

 But if you accept all of that mess and look past it, don't be surprised if down the road you find more secrets and heartache, because it's almost a guarantee.

Edited by SherrySher
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 7/12/2021 at 9:35 AM, millienillie said:

 I had asked him before if he had any kids and he always said no. 

 . . . noticed that his mom loved the picture as well. This threw me for a loop. If this is just some woman he's friends with why is his mom friends with her?

Why did you have to ask more than once?  I'm assuming there must've been something in his demeanor that suggested he was lying to you.  So you basically knew.  Just like it sounds like he knows (or at the minimum strongly suspects) he is the father of this child.  His mother (child's grandmother) knows it too.

This is a lose-lose situation.  If he doesn't step up, then you know what kind of person he is.  If he does step up and sign on for 18 years of child support, that's a significant amount of money leaving his possession every month and you may have to start paying for dates and/or helping him financially while his money goes to some other woman he doesn't know well and wasn't with all that long, and to a child he will likely not see often.  I've seen it more times than I can count.

I'd be outta there so fast your head would spin.

 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, Jibralta said:

This is actually very understandable and common. This man has no real values, so he banks on the fact that you (and others) won't uphold your own. Chances are, he's been very successful thus far. There's a sucker born every minute, as the saying goes. 

An excellent example of his toxic lack of boundaries is his (supposed) failure to get a paternity test. What does it matter if he is the father or not? He's going to do what ever he pleases, either way.

He lies to get what he wants. And he banks on the fact that you'll set aside your own ideals to make excuses for whatever he does. Worst case, you'll leave. If that happens, he'll move on to the next sucker.

Open your eyes. The only way for you to win here is to lose this creep.

Exactly! 

Stay true to yourself and you won't go wrong. Why are you so quick to dismiss something you were so adamant about before? 

You wanted to avoid drama, well, this guy is nuclear level drama and will continue to be. If you go along, you'll just put yourself in the epicenter. And why? He's no prize pig! He lies to get whatever it is he wants at the moment. He denied the entire existence of a little kid who could be his. If he'd deny a child, for damn sure he'd deny you in the same way if it is ever to his benefit. Honestly, don't be too surprised if he has a few other women in the wings right now. 

 

 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

16 hours ago, Jibralta said:

He's probably lying to her about millienillie.

 

15 hours ago, boltnrun said:

"She's not my girlfriend! She's JUST A 'FRIEND'!"

 

15 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

100%!

 

15 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Yeah. Or worse, "She's just this crazy chick who won't leave me alone."

 

15 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I was thinking exactly the same thing. 

 

Our relationship status has been public on Facebook since we started dating and he has plenty of pictures of us together. If she believes that he’s posting pictures kissing some crazy *** that won’t leave him alone she’s real stupid.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...