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I think my boyfriend has a child that he hasn't told me about.


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When my boyfriend and I first met I picked up his phone and there was a text from a woman that said " I love our little guy" I didn't think much of it at the time, but I remembered her name. I had asked him before if he had any kids and he always said no. There are no pictures of kids on his social media or anywhere up in his apartment. One night though, I did jokingly ask him again if he had kids and he said 'yeah' but we were both a little drunk and it was super late so I honestly thought he was joking.

Last weekend my boyfriend was sitting on my lap and he opened facebook on his phone I noticed this same girl's name as a recent search. I'm not typically a jealous person, but because she had come up once before I decided to be nosey and search for her on facebook. She has very few public pictures, but one in particular stood out to me - a picture of a baby boy. I noticed that he loved the picture which didn't bother me at first because if this woman is/was his friend he's probably met her children at some point.

I couldn't stop thinking about this picture though so I went back and this time I scrolled through the likes and noticed that his mom loved the picture as well. This threw me for a loop. If this is just some woman he's friends with why is his mom friends with her? Looking at the picture more intently this baby actually does look quite a bit like him and it makes sense as to why she would send him that text.

I have always bee very adamant about not wanting to date a man with kids, but I do love my boyfriend. I honestly don't know how to react or how to bring it up. Any advice on how to handle this is much appreciated.

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You don't want to date a guy with kids, is the thing your focused on? 

How about your boyfriend is lying to you about a major aspect of his life? 

he probably does not see a future with you because he knows you don't want to date a guy with kids... so he'll just lie and use you until you figure it out. Or he's a piss poor father. 

In your shoes,  I probably would just confront him because when the truth comes out, I'm dumping him! 

 

 

Edited by Lambert
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I agree with @Lambert. Lying about having a kid is a HUGE red flag.

I would confront the guy and teach him to never lie to a woman like that by dumping his a$$.

There's no love here. Put your feelings on the side and leave. If you don't want men with kids, that doesn't mean he can use this as an excuse for his lies.

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Is it possible that she is related to your boyfriend? A cousin or some such thing? A family friend?

"Our" doesn't necessarily mean her and your boyfriend's child. "Our" could be a reference to her partner. 

I don't think you have quite enough information yet to assume this is his secret baby. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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1 hour ago, millienillie said:

Last weekend my boyfriend was sitting on my lap.

How long have you been dating? You don't seem to know much about him or his real life. 

How old is he? Does he work/go to school? 

You claim you don't want to date a man who has kids, but why didn't you have this very basic conversation when you first started dating?

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41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? You don't seem to know much about him or his real life. 

How old is he? Does he work/go to school? 

You claim you don't want to date a man who has kids, but why didn't you have this very basic conversation when you first started dating?

you sure know a lot of about my relationship from a short post🙄. We had this conversation several times before we started dating.

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1 hour ago, Lambert said:

You don't want to date a guy with kids, is the thing your focused on? 

How about your boyfriend is lying to you about a major aspect of his life? 

he probably does not see a future with you because he knows you don't want to date a guy with kids... so he'll just lie and use you until you figure it out. Or he's a piss poor father. 

In your shoes,  I probably would just confront him because when the truth comes out, I'm dumping him! 

 

 

Off-topic, but I don't think he's necessarily a poor father. I forgot to mention in the post that this women does not live in the same state as us. Before I even knew him he lived somewhere else so she lives half way across the country.

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My brother says "I love our little guy" when talking about his son. 

52 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Is it possible that she is related to your boyfriend? A cousin or some such thing? A family friend?

"Our" doesn't necessarily mean her and your boyfriend's child. "Our" could be a reference to her partner. 

I don't think you have quite enough information yet to assume this is his secret baby. 

YES. ^^^^This.

 

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52 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Is it possible that she is related to your boyfriend? A cousin or some such thing? A family friend?

"Our" doesn't necessarily mean her and your boyfriend's child. "Our" could be a reference to her partner. 

I don't think you have quite enough information yet to assume this is his secret baby. 

It's possible I guess. They are not the same race though. Before I met my boyfriend he lived in a different state and the only people he knows there (besides her I guess) are his mom's fiance's family. 

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2 hours ago, millienillie said:

I have always bee very adamant about not wanting to date a man with kids, but I do love my boyfriend. I honestly don't know how to react or how to bring it up. Any advice on how to handle this is much appreciated.

And you are getting the advice you asked for.  So, ask him straight out, and demand a proper answer. If it turns out he has a child, and seeing that you are adamant about not wanting a man who has kids, then that is the end of that.

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2 hours ago, millienillie said:

 If this is just some woman he's friends with why is his mom friends with her? Looking at the picture more intently this baby actually does look quite a bit like him and it makes sense as to why she would send him that text.

 

the "random woman" is not random if she is his facebook friend and his mom's.  She could be his cousin.  My whole family is FB friends with my sister's best friend.  She used to be at our house all the time because they have been besties since third grade.  I am friends on FB with a few classmates and the couple that grew up nextdoor to us, etc, are my mom's FB friends, too.   So you have nothing to go on yet.

If he was looking at FB in FULL VIEW of you -- then he is not hiding the baby.  You could have said "oh, cute baby!! " and kinda asked who the baby was

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Idk, your gut is telling you something.

Is it possible you speak to him about it? Does the woman he's talking about have any picture of them together? We can all play guess here, but he's the one who holds the truth- provided he's not a serial liar.

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Can I ask why you won't date a man with kids? Just out of curiosity. People's answers sometimes differ but it helps to go back to this main issue. 

If you love him it implies that you trust him or there's some trust between the both of you. You're in a relationship together so ask him again point blank whether he has children and do it in person/look him in the eye, be calm and watch him.

In the end the only person you answer to is yourself on whether you're comfortable with this. "But I love him" has very little bearing if you do indeed find he is NOT trustworthy. 

If you find that he continues to lie through his teeth or he cannot be trusted, something in your gut is telling you he's not good for you, move on. 

 

 

 

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Why do guys w/ kids bother you?

Have you 2 been dating long?

It does not seem to me like he & her are 'that close'.

BUT, if you do feel he is lying, then get out of this. (with all that you assume).

Trust is a big deal. And seems like this isn't for you. 😕 

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I once dated this guy who have a daughter but never told me, we eventually broke up because it's not the baby that annoys me but the fact that he is not truthful to me. 

If the fact you cannot accept him having a child, I'd say get out of the relationship before you cannot get out of the relationship.

Love is not enough, but you gotta accept his child as well. 

Edited by gitalub
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I love our little guy could mean the mother and her partner, who is NOT your bf, love their child.  It could mean they have a puppy or kitten and love him.  My son's gf calls her dog Little Guy.

If you cant be with a guy with a kid, then you need to do what you need to do if you plan to leave him.

 

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2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Can I ask why you won't date a man with kids? Just out of curiosity. People's answers sometimes differ but it helps to go back to this main issue. 

 

1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

Why do guys w/ kids bother you?

Women tend to become territorial about the men they have kids and even more territorial about having other women around their children and I'd rather not deal with the drama.

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40 minutes ago, millienillie said:

 

We have been dating a little less than a year

Then you should be comfortable enough to say "aww. cute baby. whose baby is that?" Or "how do you know ___woman's name__ did you go to school with her?" if you don't act weird, he won't.  I cannot tell if you are painfully insecure or this is something real.  If you sleep with someone, you should be comfortable enough to come out and say it. 

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3 hours ago, millienillie said:

 

Women tend to become territorial about the men they have kids and even more territorial about having other women around their children and I'd rather not deal with the drama.

How many women do you know personally who have behaved this way?  I know of several women who remarried or became serious with someone else and simply co-parent with the father.  Do you have trust issues where you make negative generalizations about how women behave?

Yes, ask him.  If you don't believe his answer then you shouldn't be dating him anyway.

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13 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You speak about him as if you hardly know him

Agree. Is this a distance relationship? Do you know each other's friends and families?

Scouring social media pics to interpret stuff like "the baby kinda looks like him" and "our little guy" is strange if you have been dating this long.

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So I asked him about it today... He said that he dated her for 5 months and then they broke up. He didn't speak to her after they broke up and even moved to a new state. Months later after the kid was already born and a couple months old she randomly texted him and was like this is your kid. He says he isn't sure if the kid is actually his or not. I know most of you will say I need to breakup with him, but I'm honestly so confused and don't know how to react. I do believe him and I'm not as upset about him possibly having a kid than I thought I would be, but I hate that he didn't tell me.

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