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Girlfriend broke up with me today to focus on her children!


ajjackson8789

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19 hours ago, ajjackson8789 said:

Today caught me off guard, she told me that she just can't do a relationship with anyone right now and she needs to focus on her children, getting justice for her son and making sure her daughter is safe.  That she loves me and that i'm amazing, but she doesn't want to be in a relationship where she can't be 100% invested into it because it's not fair to me and she doesn't want that for me, for us really. 

More often then not this is just an excuse. If she did love you and you are that amazing she would be with you and make it work. This is just "Its not you, its me" break up speech. Who knows what is the real problem. Maybe what she told you, maybe something entirely else. But she did break up with you. Dont delude yourself in hopes of reconciliation. You need to move on. And that includes not being friends and visit her. Because its not what you want. Who knows why its good, she sounds like a lot. Abusive father of a kid, sexually abusing ex, dead kid, protests. Thats a lot of issues and baggage for a person.

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6 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

More often then not this is just an excuse. If she did love you and you are that amazing she would be with you and make it work. This is just "Its not you, its me" break up speech. Who knows what is the real problem. Maybe what she told you, maybe something entirely else. But she did break up with you. Dont delude yourself in hopes of reconciliation. You need to move on. And that includes not being friends and visit her. Because its not what you want. Who knows why its good, she sounds like a lot. Abusive father of a kid, sexually abusing ex, dead kid, protests. Thats a lot of issues and baggage for a person.

She told me that she has nothing but love and good thoughts for me which is why she doesn’t want to be unfair to me because she is unable to invest the time and energy into this right with all the stuff going on with her children right now, she wants and needs her children to be her top priority, and she doesn’t want a relationship in general…do I think she should’ve still be able to try and keep going with me? Honestly, yes.  I know I’ve gotten upset and down when there are times I don’t hear from her when I’d like and shes caught wind of it, but I’ve always been fairly patient and sympathetic with her and her situation, because I love her and she means the world to me and she knows i stick be her side!

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11 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Because its not what you want. Who knows why its good, she sounds like a lot. Abusive father of a kid, sexually abusing ex, dead kid, protests. Thats a lot of issues and baggage for a person.

For sure, OP, she may well love you and have good thoughts towards you.  The intentions may be good but with the background she has and all that baggage she is in no position now to be with you or any other man.  She is shackled by that baggage, and until she (on her own) gets back to herself a long long time may elapse. One cannot blame her for not wanting a relationship. And it isn't just about her children, it's a lot more than that. 

 

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3 hours ago, ajjackson8789 said:

I think I need to make it clear, her and her recent ex who I went to school are and never were friends, just mere acquaintances, and after he told me what he did to her I cut all ties with him, not that I really much ties to him.  Her ending this has nothing to do with me and any connection I had to her most recent ex.  I hadn’t even seen the guy since high school 14 years ago.  We merely knew each other and went to the same school back in the day.  That is not the reason she ended this!  That guy can go rot in hell for what he did to her!

i am casual friends with a couple of women i went to high school with -- as in, we are Facebook friends. One has mentioned getting coffee for 5 years now and that has not happened -- NONE of these women would confide in me about what they did in a relationship and women are more natural sharers.  Because we not close friends. For him to tell you this makes me feel he is closer of a friend than you let on or he thinks he is.

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11 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

i am casual friends with a couple of women i went to high school with -- as in, we are Facebook friends. One has mentioned getting coffee for 5 years now and that has not happened -- NONE of these women would confide in me about what they did in a relationship and women are more natural sharers.  Because we not close friends. For him to tell you this makes me feel he is closer of a friend than you let on or he thinks he is.

The guy has no friends, I caught wind of her situation through posts he shared about her cause, her situation, protests, go fund me pages, and he randomly messaged me thanking me for the support for her while they were stilL together, that’s why he reached out to me.  He then brought it upon himself to confess to me what he did to her at the end of their relationship and why they weren’t together anymore after last summer, since he has no friends and knew i was supporting her cause.  He though he could guilt trip me since I knew him and it didn’t work, I was disgusted and shocked by all of it, couldn’t believe he picked up where the baby daddy left off and I was hurt and appalled for her.  I blocked him on Facebook/messenger  after that (that’s how were communicating, didn’t have each other’s numbers) because I didn’t want anything to do with him at the point even though I had really hardly anything to do with him already besides that we were old school acquaintances!  The guy is messed up in the head and thought I was some sort of “friend” to him because he really has no friends, I was never his friend!

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1 minute ago, ajjackson8789 said:

The guy has no friends, I caught wind of her situation through posts he shared about her cause, her situation, protests, go fund me pages, and he randomly messaged me thanking me for the support for her while they were stilL together, that’s why he reached out to me.  He then brought it upon himself to confess to me what he did to her at the end of their relationship and why they weren’t together anymore after last summer, since he has no friends and knew i was supporting her cause.  He though he could guilt trip me since I knew him and it didn’t work, I was disgusted and shocked by all of it, couldn’t believe he picked up where the baby daddy left off and I was hurt and appalled for her.  I blocked him on Facebook/messenger  after that (that’s how were communicating, didn’t have each other’s numbers) because I didn’t want anything to do with him at the point even though I had really hardly anything to do with him already beside we were old school acquaintances!  The guy is messed up in the head and thought I was some sort of “friend” to him because he really has no, I was never his friend!

It is all the more reason for her to want to be single and not in a relationship right now.  Think about it -- her ex, the father of her kids was highly abusive, the next guy may have seemed great at first and also ended up being abusive.  She meets you, while she is working on standing on her own two feet.  She can't become the strong woman who can break the cycle for her kids by getting in yet another relationship.  Not that you are just like him but she could have the tendency to lose herself a bit in relationships and she needs to just not fall into another one. She may feel differently when she gets justice for one child and full custody of the other.  But she may be a different woman in a different place and might not pick you.

 

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13 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Exactly, Abit.  You can be certain she will be a different woman, with all that implies. 

Yeah, its her time to grow.  I went to a support group for codependency after i was out of an abusive relationship and it really helped. Its her time to be mama bear - she could have went from the classmate to not getting in a relationship with the first guy that was rooting for her. 

I would focus on meeting women locally after a moment of healing.

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she messaged me a few minutes ago "i know and i really appreciate how sweet you were and that you looked out for me but this is not the time for me to be in a relationship with all that i have going on with my kids.  i'm sorry you are hurting but this isn't something i can do right now"

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5 hours ago, ajjackson8789 said:

Should i tell her that i won't be going down there after all?  Wait to tell her when she reaches out next? our just don't bother?

Honestly, I would not reach out.  Tell her, if she reaches out to you.  One of the best things you can do and this definitely shows you care, respect her decision and let her be..... Don't look for excuses to reach out.  It just never goes well.  

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3 hours ago, ajjackson8789 said:

i know she loves me and cares tremendously for me still be i just feel like i was left in the dust, and easily too!

 I think she has a lot on her plate.  I think she does care about you and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you or is now unavailable to be in a relationship.  I'm sorry.

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4 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Honestly, I would not reach out.  Tell her, if she reaches out to you.  One of the best things you can do and this definitely shows you care, respect her decision and let her be..... Don't look for excuses to reach out.  It just never goes well.  

Sorry Op... I responded before reading that you did text her. 

And that's ok.  Sounds like she is being kind to you and you likewise.  I wouldn't try to keep the conversation going.  Which I know is super hard.   Hang in there.  Things will get better.

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2 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Sorry Op... I responded before reading that you did text her. 

And that's ok.  Sounds like she is being kind to you and you likewise.  I wouldn't try to keep the conversation going.  Which I know is super hard.   Hang in there.  Things will get better.

I didn’t keep the conversation going after her response, I just left it at that…

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3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

 I think she has a lot on her plate.  I think she does care about you and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you or is now unavailable to be in a relationship.  I'm sorry.

She does have a lot on my plate, she just can’t handle being in a relationship right now, nothing I did or nothing about me, a relationship is just something she can’t do right now!

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3 minutes ago, ajjackson8789 said:

She does have a lot on my plate, she just can’t handle being in a relationship right now, nothing I did or nothing about me, a relationship is just something she can’t do right now!

Yes.  I'd cut off contact because I wouldn't be surprised if she starts dating again soon and it's better if you don't see that.  Assume that she didn't want to do what it would take to be with you given all the drama/chaos and sometimes people who aren't quite ready for a relationship still date -and post about it on social media, etc.  

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Yes.  I'd cut off contact because I wouldn't be surprised if she starts dating again soon and it's better if you don't see that.  Assume that she didn't want to do what it would take to be with you given all the drama/chaos and sometimes people who aren't quite ready for a relationship still date -and post about it on social media, etc.  

I know this must just sound like wishful/hopeful thinking coming from me but I’m pretty sure she won’t be pursuing any other relationships anytime soon either.  It’s not on her list of priorities/wants right now.  Our relationship didn’t end because something went wrong or someone did something wrong or we weren’t compatible…she needs to do what she needs to do for her children in the wake of of the worst possible things a parent let alone a human being, has gone through, focusing on a relationship and putting her all into it is just not something she is able to do right now!

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