Girlfriend broke up with me today to focus on her children!

[ajjackson8789]

Hi everyone!

My girlfriend broke up with me this morning because she needs to focus on her children.  She needs to focus on getting justice for her 2 year old son who died a few years back while in the custody of his father.  The father has sexual abused and physically abused my girlfriend in the past and she is forced to share 50/50 custody of their 5 year old daughter together with this monster still.  I still even continues to be verbally and mentally abusive on a parenting app the are required to communicate on.  She lives in Illinois (which is where I am from) but i live in Arizona currently, though i go out there frequently to see and be with her until try and move back out there or she moves out here once she gets full custody of her daughter away from that monster.  She is a live-in CNA nurse and goes to 2-3 patients clients house a few times a week as her job, and gets custody of her daughter every other week.  She has been recently throwing protests outside the police station the initially investigated her sons death to reopen the death investigation as they did not do a stellar job or find all the answer or persecute anybody in this, the father and/or his father are likely suspects as they both have abusive tendencies and pasts.

 

She has had a very bust weekend this weekend preparing this protest the other day, having it, running a 15,000 member page on facebook dedicated to the cause, on top of work, her daughter, ect.  She is a warrior and an amazing mother and i have been with her and stood by her every step of the way.  I turn the darkness in her life upside down every time i go see her, and she does mine.

I'll sometimes it does hurt when she doesn't message or call as much as i hope,  i knew from the get go at the beginning of this relationship what being in it would involve, but she wanted this relationship to in the beginning and was just as serious about it as i was.  We met via a mutual connection, her most recent ex (not the father of her children) when i caught wind of her situation from posts on facebook.  I went to school with this most recent ex of hers.  Last summer, he messaged me and confessed to me that he had recently started sexually abusing her and that there relationship was over.  I was angry at him and heartbroken for her.  Shortly after that, her and i started really talking and getting to know each other.  Comments of me defending her from problematic posters on her pages really caught her attention and she loved who strong and opinionated i was and who i had her back.  In April I flew out to my home town of Chicago to finally meet her and spend time with her and it was amazing.  A few weeks later, we both made it an official relationship (yes this didn't last very long, which is why im still numb and in shock).  Saw her again recently for a week in June and it was amazing.  After that trip, she told me i gave her a new lease on life and a new confidence and hope in regards to pushing to get justice for her son and that me being there with her was the best days of her life after her children were born.

 

Today caught me off guard, she told me that she just can't do a relationship with anyone right now and she needs to focus on her children, getting justice for her son and making sure her daughter is safe.  That she loves me and that i'm amazing, but she doesn't want to be in a relationship where she can't be 100% invested into it because it's not fair to me and she doesn't want that for me, for us really.  I don't know, i'm pretty sad and upset.  She would like to remain friends, i was supposed to drive to chicago in a few weeks to be with her, and she said i can still come to see her but as friends.  As much as i still want to see her, i'm not sure if i should or not.  I don't want to get my hopes up for her to change her mind possibly and going there will be a much different trip than what we both had planned.

I'm a wreck right now, i know this relationship is still fresh but we talked our future, finally being with each other in person/the same state, living together whether i move back there or she moves her, ect.  I love her so much and i want whats best for her and her children, i just didn't see this coming.  I'm the best boyfriend shes ever had and i would never do to her the things the last 2 guys did to her nor have i nor would i to any woman!!!

Part of my holds out hope that we can try this again in the future when more develops with her children that she is wanting to develop, but right now she just doesn't want a relationship in general, but i am still devastated over this!!!

[maritalbliss86]

I think you just have to let it go, respect her wishes of not wanting anything right now, and probably not make the trip to go up to see her with how things changed.

 

[ajjackson8789]

2 hours ago, maritalbliss86 said:

I think you just have to let it go, respect her wishes of not wanting anything right now, and probably not make the trip to go up to see her with how things changed.
 

 

 My heart all day has been saying go, spend some time with her, see what can happen, but my head has been saying dont, spare driving all the way out there, without the same excitement as there was before for this trip, and getting your hopes up and heart broken again!

 

 

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, ajjackson8789 said:

this relationship is still fresh but we talked our future, finally being with each other in person/the same state, living together whether i move back there or she moves her, ect. 

I'm sorry but this is all way too much too fast - for you both.

She had you deeply involved with much of what are 'her battles', which is kind of you, to be so supportive.

But now, she's realized she just can't do it... Reality has set in.

She is not in the right 'frame of mind' to be involved again.

As you see, she's had a LOT of complications over the last few years. 

She has just too much going on - I am sure you agree, 

No, is not a good idea to discuss moving anywhere together and is obviously shown that this kind of discussion was not a place to go right at the beginning of a relationship.

You two were still getting to know each other and learn about each other's life.

Anyways, is best to just back off everything.  And respectfully leave her be now, to deal with all she's got going on, which is a lot 😕 .

And I would suggest to not go out there again, if you cannot just see her as a 'friend'... then you need your distance & time to accept what is.

[ajjackson8789]

I have decided that, although it is my home state and I go out there all the time since living in Arizona even before we met, that I will not be going on this trip out there in a few weeks, which was mainly to see and be with her.  It would just hurt to much getting my hopes up thinking that maybe things can change once we’re in each other’s presence again, since she was always happiest, outside of whenever she has her daughter, when I was with her!  I would be making that long drive without the excitement and anticipation that I/we both had for me coming out there in a few weeks and it just wouldn’t be the same and feel good!  We still love and care for each other, maybe sometime in the future we can try again when circumstances and situations in our lives change and get better, but I am just devastated and kinda lost right now without her!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. She's in no position to date, no less be a a distance relationship.

Step back from all this. Date local available women, who are ready willing and able to date.

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, ajjackson8789 said:

he would like to remain friends, i was supposed to drive to chicago in a few weeks to be with her, and she said i can still come to see her but as friends.  As much as i still want to see her, i'm not sure if i should or not.

Definitely do not go. It will be far too painful for you and only delay the inevitable reality that this has come to an end. 

I am sorry this happened, OP. She has far too much happening in her life to be dating anyone, she is right about that. 

It is going to be best to let her go. There are just too many obstacles here and her heart isn't in it. 

[Lambert]

6 hours ago, ajjackson8789 said:

I have decided that, although it is my home state and I go out there all the time since living in Arizona even before we met, that I will not be going on this trip out there in a few weeks, which was mainly to see and be with her.  It would just hurt to much getting my hopes up thinking that maybe things can change once we’re in each other’s presence again, since she was always happiest, outside of whenever she has her daughter, when I was with her!  I would be making that long drive without the excitement and anticipation that I/we both had for me coming out there in a few weeks and it just wouldn’t be the same and feel good!  We still love and care for each other, maybe sometime in the future we can try again when circumstances and situations in our lives change and get better, but I am just devastated and kinda lost right now without her!

Yes. This is a good decision. Don't go on this trip. It will just be hurtful and disappointing. 

Sure you are devastated right now. It hurts! But she had her own problems.  Give yourself some time and care... focus on your life in Arizona. In time you will find a local lady.  

It's gonna be OK. 

[ajjackson8789]

I know she has to do and focus on what she has to, but she really was happy with me, I was giving her the love, respect, security and comfort all the other abusive ex’s of hers didnt…this is all just so sudden and it hurts

[MissCanuck]

The sad truth is that you can be the greatest boyfriend ever, but if someone isn't in a place to receive that love, it won't make a difference. Your heart is in the right place and it's clear you had honorable intentions but she isn't where you are, emotionally-speaking. 

The love needs to be appreciated and reciprocated in order for a relationship to work. 

[Lambert]

16 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

The sad truth is that you can be the greatest boyfriend ever, but if someone isn't in a place to receive that love, it won't make a difference. Your heart is in the right place and it's clear you had honorable intentions but she isn't where you are, emotionally-speaking. 

The love needs to be appreciated and reciprocated in order for a relationship to work. 

OP,

Read this from Miss Canuck a few times... it is hard to grasp that sometimes a person is not capable of accepting no matter how much you give, how much you care, how healthy you are. 

As I think she's also said, or someone did... you can't throw the ball and catch the ball... 

Stinks. I know. Ride it out. it'll get better.  you'll find better. 

[abitbroken]

I agree with Miss Canuck, but what i also noticed is that you know her recent ex who abused her and he confessed how he treated her to you.  It may be good for her in her growth also to shed people connected to her abusers - be with people that are in a whole different orbit.  She also may not want a knight in shining honor (you did not meet her with a clean slate, you got to know her because of how your friend treated her and are defending her online as well). She may need to stand on her own two feet and may eventually want to be wth someone nearby.

If you ever actually move to that state, maybe just let her know (but don't move for her or with any hope) but that's all I would do. I would try to move on - the stars just didn't align for you two.

[abitbroken]

2 hours ago, ajjackson8789 said:

I know she has to do and focus on what she has to, but she really was happy with me, I was giving her the love, respect, security and comfort all the other abusive ex’s of hers didnt…this is all just so sudden and it hurts

I will say as a woman who had an abusive ex - the fact that someone "is not abusive like the other guys" does not mean you are ultimately right for someone. You may have opened her up to the fact that she CAN meet guys who are not abusers (but then again - long distance doesn't let her fully get to know you. her exes were probably really nice in the beginning as well -- i am not saying YOU would ever abuse her, but you have not known her in person long enough for her to know).  Very few women would stay if a guy was abusive from the word go - they are usually just the opposite. 

When a woman figures out how to date non-abusers or how to find them, they then find that they can have other criteria in a man and that's just the starting point, its not the ONLY criteria

[ajjackson8789]

9 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

I agree with Miss Canuck, but what i also noticed is that you know her recent ex who abused her and he confessed how he treated her to you.  It may be good for her in her growth also to shed people connected to her abusers - be with people that are in a whole different orbit.  She also may not want a knight in shining honor (you did not meet her with a clean slate, you got to know her because of how your friend treated her and are defending her online as well). She may need to stand on her own two feet and may eventually want to be wth someone nearby.

If you ever actually move to that state, maybe just let her know (but don't move for her or with any hope) but that's all I would do. I would try to move on - the stars just didn't align for you two.

I think I need to make it clear, her and her recent ex who I went to school are and never were friends, just mere acquaintances, and after he told me what he did to her I cut all ties with him, not that I really much ties to him.  Her ending this has nothing to do with me and any connection I had to her most recent ex.  I hadn’t even seen the guy since high school 14 years ago.  We merely knew each other and went to the same school back in the day.  That is not the reason she ended this!  That guy can go rot in hell for what he did to her!

[ajjackson8789]

10 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

I will say as a woman who had an abusive ex - the fact that someone "is not abusive like the other guys" does not mean you are ultimately right for someone. You may have opened her up to the fact that she CAN meet guys who are not abusers (but then again - long distance doesn't let her fully get to know you. her exes were probably really nice in the beginning as well -- i am not saying YOU would ever abuse her, but you have not known her in person long enough for her to know).  Very few women would stay if a guy was abusive from the word go - they are usually just the opposite. 

When a woman figures out how to date non-abusers or how to find them, they then find that they can have other criteria in a man and that's just the starting point, its not the ONLY criteria

It is ended simply because with all she has on her plate right now, she can’t handle being in a relationship!  It was nothing I did, it was nothing about me, ect.  It just unfortunately wasn’t the right time for her.  Her children are her #1 focus and she wants to focus on them without being unfair to me because of her not being able to give her 100% to it right now.

[LaHermes]

2 hours ago, ajjackson8789 said:

I was giving her the love, respect, security and comfort all the other abusive ex’s of hers didnt…this is all just so sudden and it hurts

I am sure it hurts OP. But, she needs to stand on her own two feet, and that is perhaps what she wants. 

19 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

She also may not want a knight in shining honor

 

 

[ajjackson8789]

I was with her because I loved her and we have a great bond and connection, and yes, i did make her feel safe, calm and at peace like the other guys didn’t

[MissCanuck]

If she keeps winding up in abusive relatonships, she has a lot of inner work to do before she will be ready for a healthy one. 

She isn't ready for the sort of relationship you are offering. She has far too much healing to do, and much to learn about how to love herself enough not to choose men who treat her like garbage. Add to that the extreme stress of losing a child and trying to find justice for him, and you have a woman who just can't meet you halfway. 

It hurts but you have to let this one go. 

[ajjackson8789]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

If she keeps winding up in abusive relatonships, she has a lot of inner work to do before she will be ready for a healthy one. 

She isn't ready for the sort of relationship you are offering. She has far too much healing to do, and much to learn about how to love herself enough not to choose men who treat her like garbage. Add to that the extreme stress of losing a child and trying to find justice for him, and you have a woman who just can't meet you halfway. 

It hurts but you have to let this one go. 

I understand!

[ajjackson8789]

4 hours ago, Lambert said:

Yes. This is a good decision. Don't go on this trip. It will just be hurtful and disappointing. 

Sure you are devastated right now. It hurts! But she had her own problems.  Give yourself some time and care... focus on your life in Arizona. In time you will find a local lady.  

It's gonna be OK. 

Should i tell her that i won't be going down there after all?  Wait to tell her when she reaches out next? our just don't bother?

[MissCanuck]

Just now, ajjackson8789 said:

Should i tell her that i won't be going down there after all?

Yes, I would tell her now so that you're not waiting around for a message from her that might never arrive. 

Chances are she is not that interested in having you visit anymore, but hoped you would take the hint when she said you can come as "friends" only. This doesn't sound like a woman who really is looking forward to having you, so I would do the both of you a favour and tell her you are opting out. 

[LaHermes]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

so I would do the both of you a favour and tell her you are opting out. 

I utterly and completely agree, Ms. Canuck.

[ajjackson8789]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, I would tell her now so that you're not waiting around for a message from her that might never arrive. 

Chances are she is not that interested in having you visit anymore, but hoped you would take the hint when she said you can come as "friends" only. This doesn't sound like a woman who really is looking forward to having you, so I would do the both of you a favour and tell her you are opting out. 

i told her, and i told her that it wouldn't be the same trip that we both were anticpating at first and i'm sure deep down its not what you really want.  She told me "ok thank you for letting me know and that she totally gets, that im glad i came to that conclusion and that she hopes i have a great rest of my summer"

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, ajjackson8789 said:

i told her, and i told her that it wouldn't be the same trip that we both were anticpating at first and i'm sure deep down its not what you really want.  She told me "ok thank you for letting me know and that she totally gets, that im glad i came to that conclusion and that she hopes i have a great rest of my summer"

I'm glad you have your answer and I'm sorry you're disappointed.

[ajjackson8789]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm glad you have your answer and I'm sorry you're disappointed.

i know she loves me and cares tremendously for me still be i just feel like i was left in the dust, and easily too!