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Throughout the relationship he makes comments like "I love you more than life itself but you dont seem to like me because you leave me often" or "I deserve better", "Why would i want to be with a girl who breaks up with me all the time?" or "It doesnt feel like you love me because you are always leaving me" it "seems like you don't like me", "i'm not living with you because there is no consistency, you always leave" etc. He says he's waiting until he sees consistency until he decides to live with me. He's afraid of being broken up with and having nowhere to go once we break up, since I live in a different state. Which makes sense..

But do you all see why I leave? I know i make the mistake of coming back each time. But he always seems to rationalize his mistakes or make them seem like they were innocent, honest mistakes. Like about this recent instagram thing, if i confronted him he will probably turn it around on me not trusting him and thats why we dont work and then tell me SHE added him a long time ago and since then he's been liking photos and that they werent "serial liked". And then of course i believe him..

I'm made to feel like i'm being such a terrible person by breaking up with him for things. But I almost feel like i'm being gaslighted. Am I? 

I know y'all are saying i wasted so much time and this is the least of my concerns. But God as unstable as this all sounds this man has been my rock through med school. He's the sweetest most loving human. But how is this still happening to us? Is this my fault for even creeping in the first place? What if i had never creeped..

Edited by boohoo211
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You couldn't even stand each other in person for 20 minutes. A mostly cyberspace "relationship" is not reality. How about when you break up, you delete and block so you won't second-guess that correct decision? You might have book smarts, but your emotional intelligence needs maturing.

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28 minutes ago, boohoo211 said:

But do you all see why I leave?

Nobody questions why you leave. 

They question why you believe his BS and go back. 

Sweet, loving people don't do the crap he does in the first place. You need to take your head out of the sand. 

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I think you’re with him because you know he’ll never commit.  So it’s safe. You get to have all the drama and chase him and monitor him but you don’t have to be close and have a settled life with someone available. Which is wonderful but means that the spark will have to come from the actual connection and bond.  Not the drama. I’m not sure why it was important to you to live together - did either of you see this as strengthening your emotional commitment?  Do you have plans to marry ?

I agree that once it gets to the point of messaging women to ask if they’re hooking  up with him that means it’s over.  You don’t trust him.  He knows it.  You have reason not to trust him.  He might have feelings of love for you but he doesn’t respect you he doesn’t consider you his partner in any meaningful way and he wants to be able to live like a single guy which he does on social media at the very least. 

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7 hours ago, Andrina said:

Most people only have the energy for one career. Having a second career as a detective is exhausting both mentally and physically, isn't it? Why you continued after he was rude to you and your mother and sent him packing speaks of your low standards and low self worth. Be alone to find out who you are without a man who likes to be surrounded by a harem. He prefers LDRs so that he can live in this way without little interference.

When you build your self worth and are ready to date again, do so with men you won't feel compelled to investigate.

Yes. I'm so tired.

I think i've been trained to second guess my reactions and emotions in this relationship. And over time this has lowered my self esteem even more than it was. What I considered hurtful that day, did it warrant me getting hurt and sending him home? Because for the longest time i've apologized for that day and have felt the lowest of the low for sending him home. 

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3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think you’re with him because you know he’ll never commit.  So it’s safe. You get to have all the drama and chase him and monitor him but you don’t have to be close and have a settled life with someone available. Which is wonderful but means that the spark will have to come from the actual connection and bond.  Not the drama. I’m not sure why it was important to you to live together - did either of you see this as strengthening your emotional commitment?  Do you have plans to marry ?

I agree that once it gets to the point of messaging women to ask if they’re hooking  up with him that means it’s over.  You don’t trust him.  He knows it.  You have reason not to trust him.  He might have feelings of love for you but he doesn’t respect you he doesn’t consider you his partner in any meaningful way and he wants to be able to live like a single guy which he does on social media at the very least. 

No, I really did want to settle with him. I dont have a history of dramatic relationships like this or dating emotionally unavailable people at all before this. This is just the first person who acts seemingly head over heels for me AND has stated he wants kids/to live together one day. I've never had a guy this obsessed/in love with me before or had a relationship last this long. BUT I have all of these issues with him and me finding things on the internet/him postponing the living situation for so long. That is why this is messing with me and hurts so much. I was hoping we could live together because I have been in school out of state for so long and there is no way I am returning to my home state where he lives, for career reasons. I was ready to start a family. 

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2 hours ago, boohoo211 said:

I've never had a guy this obsessed/in love with me before

Girl, if he was as in love with you as you want to believe, other women wouldn't be a factor whatsoever. You would never have to wonder why he's messaging other women, why he likes all their pics, why he gets phone calls from them. 

You are sadly deluding yourself here. This isn't the relaitonship you badly want it to be. 

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@boohoo211 I had an ex who used to say very similar things. These are bad signs. He doesn't like that you're independent and can leave him anytime. So, he says these things to guilt trip you.

Honestly, a man like him who is also checking out another woman's profile is not worth your time anymore.

I would start planning my exit plan. And, he's right: you do deserve better. So when you're ready, put your foot down and leave. It doesn't matter what he'll say or how he'll react. It will be scary, but you'll be much more free. This man is not trusting you nor treating you as he should.

**Edit: I just read that you guys are long distance and this crappy man doesn't even make an active effort for you guys to live together. He's not that in to you-sorry to say it. He's treating you like some third wheel and that sucks. Send him a text or call him, say you aren't feeling this anymore/it's not what you want, and hang up forever. Block him if needed. He might beg or tell you he'll change, but he is what he is so that's not an option.

Set yourself free. You're still young and have plenty of other people to meet who will value you as their life partner.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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17 hours ago, boohoo211 said:

We had a one week break a year ago and after messaging a girl on his FB, she actually replied that yes they dated recently. Like spent the night at her house multiple times, she talked about future with him, that kind of thing. Keep in mind, the break was 10 DAYS long. He claims to only have been with her during that week but neither of them could give me EXACT dates.

Your snooping aside(there is really no point in doing that, next time you see signs like that just break up, dont play detective to determine dates, its not healthy for relationship nore good for your mental health) why did you even believe him? Do you think he found that girl over night and just in time for that break? He says he loves you. His actions, heck even his words(for example "I deserve better" talk) dont show that. Not to mention long distance thing, you not planning on returning home and him not planning to go to you. You are doing a huge disfavor to yourself by even staying in that kind of relationship.

Edited by Kwothe28
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22 hours ago, boohoo211 said:

We have been long distance for most of those 6 years

You should never be in a long distance relationship for that long. Since things don't seem to be working well, I would break up and try to date someone who lives closer.

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14 hours ago, boohoo211 said:

This is just the first person who acts seemingly head over heels for me AND has stated he wants kids/to live together one day. I've never had a guy this obsessed/in love with me before or had a relationship last this long.

You are getting PLAYED. Like, really, really bad. I can't believe you've put up with this for six years. I can't believe that you actually feel bad about leaving him. 

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5 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

You are getting PLAYED. Like, really, really bad. I can't believe you've put up with this for six years. I can't believe that you actually feel bad about leaving him. 

Is there something in that statement that makes you think that? Or just from the story overall

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But he never actually has lived with you, has he?  And he's so "obsessed" with you that he "serial likes" other women's social media pics.  And you have resorted to messaging women asking if he's dated them (no trust).  What he says and what he actually does do not match.

If this is your idea of a great relationship, what do you consider a bad one?

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1 hour ago, boohoo211 said:

Or just from the story overall

Both, actually. The overall story is really bad. He tells people that you're crazy. You allow him to blame you for things that he is at fault for. You catch him in lies. His excuse for keeping his profile on private is preposterous. I have no idea why it seems reasonable to you. I don't understand why you didn't exit this relationship 5 years and 11 months ago.

You must have a deeply profound sense of self doubt, maybe a very low sense self worth. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know how you can make something like that better. But that self doubt and low self worth is not good for you AT ALL. I think you are very confused about the nature of love.

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1 minute ago, Jibralta said:

Well, you will recover one way or another. Heartbreak isn't terminal. 

The really important thing is not getting into another situation like this one.

You did break up with him, right?

Yes I did. I get voicemails from him and the only thing he is worried about is HOW i was able to see his profiles in the first place, since he had me blocked (keep in mind this is while we were together). He is literally calling me a couple times a night just to talk *** about me creeping on his things. 

I guess he thought i was talking about something else and NOT the ex GF thing I found since i never told him what I found (go figure right, im uncovering more). In the VM he said something like "I posted that post (?) yesterday just so i can see if you have a fake profile following me, because you are blocked. It's uncomfortable knowing you look at my things. k bye"

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Block his number, delete any social media connections and do not respond to any communication he sends through other people.

You can now see clearly that he is not acting like someone who is in love with you.

You will recover, but only after you stop blaming yourself for his bad behavior. 

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57 minutes ago, boohoo211 said:

6 years of my life was a lie.  i dont know how to recover from this.

You are already recovering because you are saving yourself from more headaches and heartaches by remaining in this erosive waste of time situation.

 Get your local life happening and start dating local available decent men.

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1 hour ago, boohoo211 said:

I get voicemails from him and the only thing he is worried about is HOW i was able to see his profiles in the first place, since he had me blocked (keep in mind this is while we were together). He is literally calling me a couple times a night just to talk *** about me creeping on his things. 

I guess he thought i was talking about something else and NOT the ex GF thing I found since i never told him what I found (go figure right, im uncovering more). In the VM he said something like "I posted that post (?) yesterday just so i can see if you have a fake profile following me, because you are blocked. It's uncomfortable knowing you look at my things. k bye"

Ugh. Terrible. People like him make me want to go home and shower any time we interact.

He is blockworthy for sure. Thank god you don't live anywhere near him.

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6 hours ago, boohoo211 said:

I feel so stupid. 6 years of my life was a lie. And i dont know how to recover from this.

You start to recover by accepting the first part "I feel so stupid. 6 years of my life was a lie" was on you for allowing him to control and manipulate you for most of the relationship. Sorry if that sounds harsh but the signs were there and you ignored them. This relationship should have ended within the first 3 months tops and I'm shocked it lasted 6 years. You clearly had gut feelings about what he was doing or you wouldn't of snooped and reacted in the first place.

You'll also need to block him and go full no contact or chances are you'll get sucked back in and you need to break that cycle. In time this will get easier on you and you will recover as long as you stay strong and don't buy any excuses he throws at you.

To be honest I would have probably bought into the initial excuse of blocking you from his social media. It's never a good idea to message your partner's friends about your relationship issues, you should be talking to your partner about any issues. However that should have been resolved fairly quickly because it shouts distrust from both sides. He no longer trusted you for years and you accepted it! This issue alone should have alerted you both to incompatibilities.

You will need time to find yourself and learn from this mistake (because a mistake it was) for you to fully heal and recover. I wish you all the best going forward.

Edited by Dixi
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On 7/10/2021 at 1:28 PM, boohoo211 said:

Throughout the relationship he makes comments like "I love you more than life itself but you dont seem to like me because you leave me often" or "I deserve better", "Why would i want to be with a girl who breaks up with me all the time?" or "It doesnt feel like you love me because you are always leaving me" it "seems like you don't like me", "i'm not living with you because there is no consistency, you always leave" etc. He says he's waiting until he sees consistency until he decides to live with me. He's afraid of being broken up with and having nowhere to go once we break up, since I live in a different state. Which makes sense..

But do you all see why I leave? I know i make the mistake of coming back each time. But he always seems to rationalize his mistakes or make them seem like they were innocent, honest mistakes. Like about this recent instagram thing, if i confronted him he will probably turn it around on me not trusting him and thats why we dont work and then tell me SHE added him a long time ago and since then he's been liking photos and that they werent "serial liked". And then of course i believe him..

I'm made to feel like i'm being such a terrible person by breaking up with him for things. But I almost feel like i'm being gaslighted. Am I? 

I know y'all are saying i wasted so much time and this is the least of my concerns. But God as unstable as this all sounds this man has been my rock through med school. He's the sweetest most loving human. But how is this still happening to us? Is this my fault for even creeping in the first place? What if i had never creeped..

You've broken up with him so give yourself a pat on the back and dust yourself off. Your future is much brighter without someone you're not compatible with and especially without someone whom you don't trust and is so horribly disrespectful to you. You didn't exactly waste this time either. You spent it learning some valuable lessons. If you had married him or had a family with him this would have been agonizing for you. There are multiple reasons why this hasn't worked. 

There is always some sadness breaking up with someone. Please don't mistake this for thinking you ought to be together. Process your sadness over this chapter closing if anything and then move on. 

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