I feel really guilty :(

[Tinydance]

13 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Alcohol is kinda perceived differently from drugs or substance abuse because its socially acceptable to drink. So any potential partner would probably not seen it as a "deal breaker". However, what you have is a severe addiction. Some people can live with alcoholism. That means, for example, few beers here and there, even getting plastered from time to time. But they have it under control and it doest affect their lives that much. Meaning that they are capable of doing their work properly, they dont cause troubles to their families etc. You cant do that. You barely even remember magic show that you were suppose to be. That means that you dont have it under control. And that means that you should stop drinking, period. No "I just have one drink now and thats it", but becoming fully sober. Because you cant control it. And you probably never will until you fully give up alcohol. In just one night it created you a problem that would probably cost you a good relationship. At that point, its time to stop. Rehab, AA, whatever it takes. But you need to fully stop drinking if you dont want those stuff to happen again.

Cheating is another thing. It was a risky move that you even went out with them given previous history and your drinking, not to mention that they were fully aware of your troubles and still had no scrouples with you being intoxicated offering you more alcohol and room. They are not your friends. You maybe have fun with them, but any person who would just do that is not your friend. I dont really think that boyfriend would be that forgiving. Even if its a start of relationship, given his experience, he thinks it is pretty serious as soon as you entered relationship. So it would probably be pretty devastating to him. So you need to prepare for that. I dont think it was wrong from you to try to be in relationship. Just that its very hard given that you have no control over your alcohol. And I dont think just about this relationship but any future ones. What happens next time you are in a relationship and your friends come in town? How about when you are in a bar and some guy you like approaches you? You need to kick out alcohol completely. Otherwise it would create you even more troubles in future.

OK so just to explain. The guy actually is my friend of like nearly seven years. I think I'm going to cut down on seeing him now though. I know it's complicated but yeah we used to date briefly back in 2015 and then we were like FWB for 2.5 years. Fairly on and off sort of thing. He's actually a really nice guy and he is my real friend but he's polyamorous and total free spirit when it comes to sex and relationships. He really has that poly mindset and in fact I think he doesn't even want a relationship. He's also mildly on the autism spectrum and I feel struggles to relate to people who aren't polyamorous. He's told me before that he thinks I should be polyamorous and why do I want a relationship when I can just sleep with my friends? And I was like, because I want one and I'm not polyamorous.

So what happened previously was that when I met my ex fiance, I actually straight away told him that I'm friends with a guy I used to date and have sex with. I asked him how he feels about it and what he wanted me to do. And he said he doesn't actually mind but what's important to him is that I don't actually do anything with anyone else. As long as it's only friendship and I'm honest about everything. So I actually never did anything at all with that male friend while I was in a relationship. My ex and my friend got along well and my friend joined his Dungeons and Dragons group because my ex invited him to join. So it wasn't a problem at the time but now I'm thinking I need to cut down on seeing my friend. Maybe basically not see him at all or just in groups of people.

[Tinydance]

24 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Alcohol is kinda perceived differently from drugs or substance abuse because its socially acceptable to drink. So any potential partner would probably not seen it as a "deal breaker". However, what you have is a severe addiction. Some people can live with alcoholism. That means, for example, few beers here and there, even getting plastered from time to time. But they have it under control and it doest affect their lives that much. Meaning that they are capable of doing their work properly, they dont cause troubles to their families etc. You cant do that. You barely even remember magic show that you were suppose to be. That means that you dont have it under control. And that means that you should stop drinking, period. No "I just have one drink now and thats it", but becoming fully sober. Because you cant control it. And you probably never will until you fully give up alcohol. In just one night it created you a problem that would probably cost you a good relationship. At that point, its time to stop. Rehab, AA, whatever it takes. But you need to fully stop drinking if you dont want those stuff to happen again.

Cheating is another thing. It was a risky move that you even went out with them given previous history and your drinking, not to mention that they were fully aware of your troubles and still had no scrouples with you being intoxicated offering you more alcohol and room. They are not your friends. You maybe have fun with them, but any person who would just do that is not your friend. I dont really think that boyfriend would be that forgiving. Even if its a start of relationship, given his experience, he thinks it is pretty serious as soon as you entered relationship. So it would probably be pretty devastating to him. So you need to prepare for that. I dont think it was wrong from you to try to be in relationship. Just that its very hard given that you have no control over your alcohol. And I dont think just about this relationship but any future ones. What happens next time you are in a relationship and your friends come in town? How about when you are in a bar and some guy you like approaches you? You need to kick out alcohol completely. Otherwise it would create you even more troubles in future.

Yes I do need to quit alcohol completely that's very true. I actually do have a job and I've been there five years but alcohol affects other parts of my life. I don't drink at work. I didn't stoop that low yet lol

[boltnrun]

You haven't gotten into the "why" you drink, which is why you continue to use.

You do know why you did this (had sex with two people), it's because you don't really want to commit to the man you've been dating.  This is your "out".

It's ok to stop dating him.  You are not obligated to continue.

But if you don't want to keep going down this self destructive path it's vital you stop drinking and using drugs.

[Kwothe28]

49 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Yes I do need to quit alcohol completely that's very true. I actually do have a job and I've been there five years but alcohol affects other parts of my life. I don't drink at work. I didn't stoop that low yet lol

I didnt meant like that, know that you dont drink at work. Just that some people have their alcohol troubles under control and some dont. I have a friend. Family guy, 2 kids. He is getting very intoxicated probably once a week. Him and his wife put kids to bed, then he usually goes to his buddy home with other buddies and they drink to their hearts desire(usually until they are very drunk). He walks until he sobers up a bit, goes home, even sleeps on sofa if he is very drunk yet. Point is, kids dont see him drunk, doesnt annoy his wife, he is there for both and doesnt affect his life. You cant do that because it affects the relationship part of your life. That is why you need to quit alcohol completely.

1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

He's actually a really nice guy and he is my real friend but he's polyamorous and total free spirit when it comes to sex and relationships. He really has that poly mindset and in fact I think he doesn't even want a relationship. He's also mildly on the autism spectrum and I feel struggles to relate to people who aren't polyamorous. He's told me before that he thinks I should be polyamorous and why do I want a relationship when I can just sleep with my friends? And I was like, because I want one and I'm not polyamorous.

That is what I am talking about. Possibly its autism(some on spectrum have a really hard time to even listen the other side in discussion, let alone relate) but he doesnt respect your boundaries. This whole situation could easily be averted if he respected what you said about relationship and "no sex" part. It would be just another drunk night with friends. You would still have alcohol troubles but you wouldnt have relationship trouble now. Instead he offered you, person who he knows has alcohol addiction and was already so intoxicated that couldnt even remember the show, more alcohol. That is the kind of behavior you expect from strangers at the bar that only want one thing. Not from a friend. I am not saying you shouldnt hang out with that person. But until you have full control over your actions it would probably just get you into more trouble if he is like that.

[DancingFool]

Tiny....why are you seeking out monogamous partners when you are so obviously not a monogamous person? Seek out partners from the poly community if you really want a relationship that will work for you. Stop chasing and harming those who are not into that, like your current bf that you just cheated on. This is beyond terrible on your end. Why the eff are you doing this and playing these games with people? Serious question here.

 

[lostandhurt]

Tiny,

  The reason this new guy scares you so much is because he could actually be the one that fulfills all the things you have said you want which is marriage and children.  That scares you because it is no longer a dream and it could actually happen if this works out.

  This of course means you think you want marriage and kids but something deep inside you keeps saying it is a mistake. 

It could be that you know your dream coming true means no more drinking.

  I lived with what you are living.  Being a functional alcoholic is for some a pride thing, for some it is a necessary type of thing.  Being a parent and a spouse is scary and can trigger old bad habits and addictions in the strongest of people.  Be careful what you wish for.

  I read this whole thread and many others authored by you.  I have seen you say that drinking or alcoholism is not a choice.  In one sense you are correct that if you are an alcoholic you are always an alcoholic.  There is no pill or herb that changes that but you do have a choice to stay sober or not.  Staying clean and sober is most definitely a choice, a choice millions make every second around the world. You have said you are an alcoholic but do you believe that it is true?  I have lived with 2 parents one admitting and accepting he was an alcoholic and he had a serious problem and one that would say words like you say but it never went any further than that.  

  Stop making excuses for not going into rehab because it is only 6 weeks long.  6 weeks is a long time to an alcoholic and a lot can be accomplished in 30 days so 42 days is even better.

  I hate seeing you go down this path, it reminds me of trying to help two people I loved dearly that wouldn't help themselves. 

As to if this was cheating or not.  Technically someone could say no it was not but this is not a courtroom.  If he believed you were exclusive then to him yes it was cheating and what he believes is all that matters isn't it?

  You have some tough choices to make Tiny.  My vote is rehab first, you are no good to yourself or anyone around you until you get healthy.  I see what you are doing and I have seen what is at the end of the path you are on.  Please choose rehab.

Lost

[dias]

4 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Tiny....why are you seeking out monogamous partners when you are so obviously not a monogamous person? Seek out partners from the poly community if you really want a relationship that will work for you. Stop chasing and harming those who are not into that, like your current bf that you just cheated on. This is beyond terrible on your end. Why the eff are you doing this and playing these games with people? Serious question here.

 

The funny thing of the story is that both are not comfortable sharing their sexual past with each other which is the complete opposite which makes it even funnier. 

On a more serious note, Tiny, you have bigger problems than cheating on your bf. You are addicted to alcohol and drugs. Everything is fun and games until it's not. Forget about your bf, forget about kids, forget about threesomes, you need to get your priorities straight first. 

[abitbroken]

19 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well I do own up to it and this is what I mean that I feel extremely guilty and ashamed of it. I don't feel fine about it at all, believe me. I'm not saying that it's an excuse just because I feel bad but I DO feel very very bad. 

I don't think that having a threesome in and of itself is bad but obviously in this case it's really bad because it was cheating. 

I'm not sure if opinions on this will differ in the sense that some people actually do continue to see others and sleep with others until they say they are actually exclusive with someone. I've known people that did that. But I guess in that case they/me need to be honest and actually say they are still dating or sleeping with other people. Which I actually have not said to him. So yea from that perspective it's wrong because honesty is needed and I haven't been honest.

Its about being a pedestrian in your own life vs the author of your life. You were not planning to have sex with anyone because you cared/were interested in this one guy and gave him your understanding that you were dating.  You were invited to a hotel room. Someone who was interested in someone would say "wait,  going back to a hotel room usually means sex.   I am going to say no, and ask to conclude the evening in the hotel cafe/somewhere semi public if i don't trust myself once i enter that door"  (or if you always know anything involving those two people involve sex, then you tell them you have other plans-  or "I know things happen when i drink, so i am going to stay sober."  But you just sort of let yourself be led/go with the flow.  

Its about making ACTIVE choices.  

you have to stop the "oh, i have no idea how that happened" mindset.  If you woke up that morning and said "i really want sex and i am going to get it" -- then neither of those mindsets may result in getting to know the guy you are interested in but at least you are being honest about who you are (not as a bi person but as someone who makes choices or someone that just goes with the flow and is not deciding to actively take control.. 

 

[abitbroken]

6 hours ago, DancingFool said:

Tiny....why are you seeking out monogamous partners when you are so obviously not a monogamous person? Seek out partners from the poly community if you really want a relationship that will work for you. Stop chasing and harming those who are not into that, like your current bf that you just cheated on. This is beyond terrible on your end. Why the eff are you doing this and playing these games with people? Serious question here.

 

But that would involve personal accountability vs being promiscuous.

[Batya33]

You've gotten some good advice here which I agree with.  I don't think you're falling in love with this person - infatuation/excited sure but your choices show that you are not progressing towards caring about him as a person, about his well being, about wanting to build a relationship. If you had you would have not played with fire by meeting up with these friends in this context.  

It doesn't matter what the label is -cheating, inappropriate, thoughtless- but please you are putting his health at great risk even if you use protection so no sex with him until you do the waiting thing for STD tests (at least, when I used to get tested -in an abundance of caution -for HIV I was told I had to have been celibate for a certain period of time for it to be accurate -maybe that has changed, it's been many years.  The people you slept with are high risk partners on top of all of that.

So you do have to tell him you had sex with -one or two people, whatever it is- and your current STD status.  I'd tell him you have a drinking problem.  He is entitled to know.  

I agree with the others who said you have to be sober for a certain amount of time before trying to conceive, not just deciding not to drink when you find out you are pregnant. Ironically I rarely drink but when I was 3-4 weeks pregnant - but had no idea I was - I had 3/4 glass of wine.  My limit was usually a half glass (I know, I'm a lightweight and I've never been drunk).  We were trying but we'd been trying for over a year, a bit on and off but pretty steadily.  I wasn't too worried -many women who socially drink get pregnant by surprise and had a drink and it's fine - but I did disclose this to my doctor and it was a part of my initial tests/screening -those sorts of questions.

FAS is horrible. I did a report on it when I was in 4th grade or so -I always remembered that.  It's unfair to risk it.  

I think you knew you were risking a lot and playing with fire hanging out with these people.  I think that if you were really genuinely into your new guy you'd have had no interest in going or you'd have tried to see the show with him.  Often when a woman meets a new guy and has that new guy glow it actually can attract other men I find - I mean the woman looks happy and also just more to herself-she's happy with her person and not looking around so she's kind of a target - there will always be that sort of temptation when you're committed to someone else. 

But if you're happy in your relationship at most you might be flattered or tell it like a funny story (like the guy who hit on me when I was wearing my engagement ring and in my third trimester, waiting in line to get popcorn at a movie theater) but not acting on it will be easy-peasy. 

You won't need that sort of attention or crave it as you seem to.  Or you crave the thrills/excitement or you miss the poly lifestyle - of course we all get tempted enough where we have to make an actual choice to remain loyal - it can happen -not always the easiest - but we make the choice, even if hard, because what we have is so wonderful and important to us and not worth the risk of even looking inappropriate. (I will say in my marriage- and before our marriage -I've never found it difficult to stay loyal and committed, no doubts, no temptation to stray - but I know of other situations where understandably it is a bit more difficult).  

[Batya33]

I wanted to add in a "scared straight" kind of way. My friend is married to an alcoholic or if not a full blown one serious drinking issues and it's in his family.  3 young kids . One time he actually left an open beer can on the changing table in reach of the kids (it was ok).  Anyway he started feeling poorly.  My friend is staying with him for the kids so she did care he wasn't feeling well but not as intimately if they were in a loving relationship. So she didn't push him to go to the doc -he felt really tired, weird, etc.

He finally went to the doctor because he thought he was having a heart attack.  He's in his 40s.  It wasn't.  It's advanced stage colon cancer that's spread to his liver and potentially his lungs.  I googled his diagnosis because I want to be there for her and didn't want to ask how bad.  I also googled connection to alcohol.  And apparently there is one because alcohol consumed as you do increases cancer risk quite a bit.  3 kids under 10.  Only in his 40s.  None had FAS but now they likely won't have a daddy within a year or so from what I read.

[boltnrun]

My grandfather died alone in a hospital due to his liver failing as a result of being a lifelong alcoholic.

He never, not once, missed a day of work.  He did not drink at work.  He was very skilled at what he did (professional chef).  But he was a terror to his family because of his drinking.

You are out of control of yourself when you drink, so you can't guarantee you wouldn't terrorize or frighten your husband and children.  Or maybe decide to go out with friends, get drunk and end up who knows where.  And you haven't been successful in stopping drinking in all these years.  Thinking you'd be able to just stop once you're engaged or married or pregnant is not very realistic.

Please, confide in the man you've been dating so he can make his own choice.  And please stop making excuses to not enter rehab.  Unless you want to continue your life of drinking and forego the marriage and family you've been saying you want.

[Capricorn3]

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

  The reason this new guy scares you so much is because he could actually be the one that fulfills all the things you have said you want which is marriage and children.  That scares you because it is no longer a dream and it could actually happen if this works out.

  This of course means you think you want marriage and kids but something deep inside you keeps saying it is a mistake. 

It could be that you know your dream coming true means no more drinking.

^ I think all of the above nailed it. 100%. Especially the part in bold:  ... "It could be that you know your dream coming true means no more drinking."

[Capricorn3]

19 hours ago, Tinydance said:

 The most my insurance would pay for was six weeks so that's how long I could go for.

So why not go for the six weeks?  Surely that's better than nothing? 😕  You should jump at the chance, not simply shrug it off just because it's "only six weeks". Make an appointment a.s.a.p. No more excuses.

[Andrina]

You've always wanted a child, but when it comes to children, they're the priority, not you and your wants. And a child deserves a parent who has proven she's been worthy of that role for years. It can't be a "hoping for the best" if a pregnancy happens, that somehow the cravings will go away. Many of us have known drug addicts who have stolen from those they love to buy drugs. The love was irrelevant.

I dated a guy for a year who said his first wife ended up becoming an alcoholic. They had a son and daughter. When he came home to find her drunk and asleep on the couch with the baby's diaper not changed for the whole day, he divorced her and had full custody. She lost the privilege of being a full time mother. He remarried and his children really didn't have a good life. He was a workaholic, as I came to realize in our unhappy union, and during that time, he said his wife didn't treat his daughter well. Thought she was spoiled by him and would mockingly call her a princess. As an adult, she mostly refused to talk to her father, as she saw he was neglectful of her. 

So think of those sorts of possibilities instead of having tunnel vision about getting married and having children before maintaining sobriety for at least two years. If you can manage that, having children under more ideal circumstances with or without a man, will be a more realistic goal and your unborn child will thank you for bringing him or her into a healthy environment. 

I hope you do take that 6 weeks of rehab. That period of time has been successful for some, and one of the successes could be you. Take care.

[Lambert]

hi Tiny,

I think everyone has given you a lot to think about.  And only you know when you've really decided to get your addictions under control.  I think in the long run, you will either decide for yourself or circumstances will decide for you.  

I am sorry to say, it's really just a matter of time before you have to pay the piper.  I don't say that to be harsh or to scare you.  It's the truth.  You are getting older.  Damage is being done, life is moving on, some doors close, based just on biology.  No one likes it, but it's a fact of life.  We don't live forever.  The quality of our life is based on our health.  At some point, we all learn-- health is the wealth money can't buy.  It's not just our choices, but choices are a big part of the equation.  

I read your words and while I have great compassion for all you say.  I think you are kidding yourself.  The fact is, you may have already done damage to your eggs and should a concern should you get pregnant.  And even if that all went well, you're not in the right state to care for a kid.    

You said you been feeling very anxious and tense.  Well, alcohol is a known depressant, causes anxiety and mental strife.   You are not happy with some of the things you've been doing... Making bad decisions.  From the outside, that seems like self-sabotage.  Then beating yourself up for it.

You're looking at your past ex, as a possible reason.  And it very well may be, but you need to look at today, too.  You are not healthy in mind, body or spirit.  You might be making excuses for how you're feeling to deflect from the real problem.  

Whether it's drinking, the past, bad choices, fear, I don't think you are being very good to yourself and you are not being very good to this guy either.   And until you do the work, you're just going to continue to spiral. 

Seems to me, you are at the great cross roads of your life.  If you continue as is, guaranteed it will only get worse.  Or you can stop lying to yourself and choose to get help.  learn healthy coping mechanisms and improve your life.  

❤️

 

[Batya33]

I thought about this some more.  This guy you are dating. I suspect he is quite vulnerable right now.  He's an adult with little relationship experience.  He's fallen for you or is starting to anyway and had sex with you. Perhaps it turned out to be no big deal for him but I'd assume it was - just in an abundance of caution assume it was.  I think sharing all you did would really hurt him in his situation.  He puts himself out there and then you're going to tell him that shortly after sharing that first experience with him you did what you did.  I'd do the honorable thing. 

Tell him without details that you realized you're just not a good match for him.  Tell him the sex was wonderful, he will be a good lover, he will be a good partner.  But you're not the right person. Please tell him that you don't really know exactly why you just know, it's early days and you don't want to hurt him or get too attached. Wish him all the very best.  Build him up even though you're telling him you can't be with him.

If you tell him the gory details my sense is it will be this never ending nightmare tape playing in his head and he will feel like dog poop.  He doesn't need to know about your drinking problem either then -because you'll bow out now.  Let him find someone who really wants a commitment to him - to someone who is new at this stage of love and sex and relationships.  Who is not interested in the poly lifestyle or partying to the extent you are -who would not be intrigued and excited enough to do what you decided to do.  You do you.  But let him do him - without burdening him with your lifestyle and your life choices and your dirty laundry and issues. Let him go in peace.  Please.

[boltnrun]

Yeah, he's going to think the sex with him was so bad, so unsatisfying that you decided to seek it out from someone "better".  Whether that's true or not.

You say your ex damaged you and is the reason you drink and use and behave the way you do.  Do you want to do that kind of damage to the man you've been dating?

I agree...you are in no place to be trying to make a commitment to anyone, let alone a man with no relationship experience. 

Please do tell him you realized you are not in a healthy, positive mindset to be in a relationship.  Yes, it's going to sound like "it's not you, it's me". But in this case it's true; it IS you, not him.  Do not offer to try again in the future.  Do not offer to be "friends".  A clean break.

Then, focus on YOU.  Getting YOU healthy, sober and well.

[Usa1ah]

Your story doesn’t make and sense. 
 

First off you said you were in Covid lockdown for two weeks and couldn’t see your BF. 

Then your meeting up with your *** buddies but can’t see your BF???

 

Then you have sex with them. 
 

Then you had two tickets for a show and was going by yourself. Why not take BF?

 

Yes this is cheating!!!

 

You don’t love your bf or you would have never been able to do what you did. Let him find someone that actually loves him and not embarrassed to say it. 

[smackie9]

I know why you are afraid of dating this guy or getting close to anyone. It's because you have a lot of secrets/skeletons in your closet, and you know they would run for the hills. Would you date someone just like yourself baggage and all? Absolutely not. If someone did this to you, you know you would be gutted. This person will be very hurt, and how can you live with yourself, whether you tell him or not about everything. The guilt will always be there. So now you withheld from him your addiction/mental health issues, trauma issues, the army of treatments you are needing for years, and the fact you had a drunkin threesome/ no real self control. Take real good look in the mirror. There is no stability in your life. It's all day by day uncertainty. Treatment hasn't worked much at all because it takes you to put in full effort. You have been band-aiding it, just showing up to sessions, talking a little, and  avoiding the pain and hurt. Once you break through that suppressed pain, revealing the raw emotions, then you truly can begin your journey to healing.

I understand that AA has religious undertones. I went with my mother once to see it myself. It really has nothing to do with God. It has everything to do with facing the truth about yourself.

I feel you need to change your perception what what your addiction/self control issues truly are and discovering self truth.

Start with getting rid of the people in your life that are the triggers. Give yourself a healthier enviroment to exist in.

[abitbroken]

I am another vote for rehab and get better friends.

When you are out, do not go to your old places or talk to your old friends again. Make new, sober friends.

[Tinydance]

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I thought about this some more.  This guy you are dating. I suspect he is quite vulnerable right now.  He's an adult with little relationship experience.  He's fallen for you or is starting to anyway and had sex with you. Perhaps it turned out to be no big deal for him but I'd assume it was - just in an abundance of caution assume it was.  I think sharing all you did would really hurt him in his situation.  He puts himself out there and then you're going to tell him that shortly after sharing that first experience with him you did what you did.  I'd do the honorable thing. 

Tell him without details that you realized you're just not a good match for him.  Tell him the sex was wonderful, he will be a good lover, he will be a good partner.  But you're not the right person. Please tell him that you don't really know exactly why you just know, it's early days and you don't want to hurt him or get too attached. Wish him all the very best.  Build him up even though you're telling him you can't be with him.

If you tell him the gory details my sense is it will be this never ending nightmare tape playing in his head and he will feel like dog poop.  He doesn't need to know about your drinking problem either then -because you'll bow out now.  Let him find someone who really wants a commitment to him - to someone who is new at this stage of love and sex and relationships.  Who is not interested in the poly lifestyle or partying to the extent you are -who would not be intrigued and excited enough to do what you decided to do.  You do you.  But let him do him - without burdening him with your lifestyle and your life choices and your dirty laundry and issues. Let him go in peace.  Please.

Sorry I'll reply to everyone soon message by message but I don't have a lot of time right now to do it. 

First of all I am actually not poly so I'm sorry but I'm not going to say to him that I'm poly because that's not true. I'm also not going to try dating poly people because I'm not poly. I have a number of poly friends and I actually do respect their own lifestyle and choice because they are free to live their life as they want.

I have not been in poly relationships where I'm actually I'm relationships with different poly people. I've only been in monogamous actual relationships in my life. When I was with those partners I actually wasn't with anyone else or sleeping with anyone else. I was actually engaged to be married to my ex so I have had serious relationships and not just sleeping around. 

I'm not really asking for opinions as to whether it's unacceptable or promiscuous to have actual threesomes in and of itself because I think that's a matter of personal opinion. I have had threesomes and stuff in the past but I was single and I wasn't dating anyone at all. There are people who sleep with many people and are not in relationships at all. Not me necessarily but just saying there are people like that. Though it may seem off putting to some but this is just my opinion that if you are actually single or polyamorous then you can do what you want. Of course other people will disagree and will consider it promiscuous but I think that's a personal opinion.

I can't break up with this guy and say it's not working for me or whatever because that would be a lie. I like him immensely and I can't say things that are not true. The sex has actually been fine and he did nothing wrong at all in any way. The only thing I see as being able to do is to tell the truth about what I did. Then he can break up with me if he wants but I'm not going to lie and say things like that I'm poly or I'm not onto him because they aren't true.

[Tinydance]

20 hours ago, Usa1ah said:

Your story doesn’t make and sense. 
 

First off you said you were in Covid lockdown for two weeks and couldn’t see your BF. 

Then your meeting up with your *** buddies but can’t see your BF???

 

Then you have sex with them. 
 

Then you had two tickets for a show and was going by yourself. Why not take BF?

 

Yes this is cheating!!!

 

You don’t love your bf or you would have never been able to do what you did. Let him find someone that actually loves him and not embarrassed to say it. 

I guess I didn't explain it properly. I'm actually not in a COVID lockdown now. I met the guy I'm dating on an online dating website maybe around 2-3 months ago. We just messaged each other here and there online to begin with. On June 2nd was when we were in a two week COVID lockdown. We video called each other and then we messaged each other just about every day through the lockdown. These interactions were online only and never met in person. Basically a month ago now we actually went out in person and we have been dating since.

I AM seeing him also as I am not in a lockdown. I'm living my normal life right now and going to work and going to things.

Yes I had two free tickets to the magic show and I was actually going alone. I did not invite any people to the show. I didn't invite the guy I'm dating because the show only ended at 10 p.m. or later and he lives 45+ minutes from the city where the show was. He had work early the next day but I actually had a day off. I was contacted by my two friends saying they will be in the city on that night and did I want to join them. I said not for sex in their hotel room but they can come to the show if they want because I had one free ticket and they can buy another third ticket. They said yes we're interested and came to the magic show.

The rest of the story you know already so I don't really need to explain.

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I can't break up with this guy and say it's not working for me or whatever because that would be a lie. I like him immensely and I can't say things that are not true. The sex has actually been fine and he did nothing wrong at all in any way. The only thing I see as being able to do is to tell the truth about what I did. Then he can break up with me if he wants but I'm not going to lie and say things like that I'm poly or I'm not onto him because they aren't true.

Don't lie just don't share all the details.  It's true that you're not the right person for him and it's true that you're not in the right place for a relationship.  Please know you will harm him greatly- psychologically- if you share those details.  You risk harming his health in a huge way if you have sexual contact again after what you decided to do.  

I don't care if you want to be poly or not or whether you're promiscuous or not.  I do care when a person's choices risks hurting another innocent person - my entire post was focused on the victim here - he is the victim of your choices if you choose to harm him by oversharing - that's not being honest it's oversharing.

As far as your drinking problem you are only hurting yourself.  For now.  That's separate and -separately -I totally agree with the advice you've been given concerning rehab and AA.  Good luck in getting better.

If you don't have more sexual contact with him he is not at increased risk of STDs so you don't have to tell him you had sex with others.  Do this as a human being who doesn't want to risk doing great harm to another human being.  And yes if you consider it a lie -guess what -sometimes people have to lie to avoid the much more harmful alternative.  Let him go in peace as I wrote.  Please.  If you tell him given his situation it could cause terrible harm to him.  

Yes, if he was a person with more typical relationship experience I'd probably say the same but I wouldn't be as concerned for the innocent person here -him.  Live with your guilt.  Please don't burden him with it and please step aside and let him find someone who is a better match for him.  

[LaHermes]

On 7/9/2021 at 12:15 PM, Tinydance said:

I do need to quit alcohol completely that's very true.

Indeed, Tiny, this is what lies at the heart of the matter. I can't even imagine how difficult it would be to kick such an addiction. If you decide on a path out of the addiction it will be a struggle, and a hard one.  But I think you can do it. 

For your own health's sake, if nothing else. And if you would like one day to have children then alcohol is a big no.