Can't cope around couple friends

[Pleasedonot5]

3 minutes ago, Southwest said:

What are to really going to do for me I mean really? I'll be put on some medication that levels me out and dulls the pain. I'm still in the same situation. It dosent matter what my outlook is I want my life to change. That is the driving force I don't want learn to just be happy with my life, I want my life to be something to be happy about. 

The point is that you'll be better able to snap out of this spiraling rumination that you are doing to yourself. You'll be put in a better place to make the changes you want - instead of sitting at home wanting to improve yourself but never doing it because you are anxious or depressed. 

Also, back on your first thread - recall I spoke about Wellbutrin (NDRI anti-depressant) and BuSpar (anti-anxiety). They are different from the SSRI medications that everyone else used to be put on. I have not experienced weight gain from BuSpar and two of my friends have not experienced weight gain from Wellbutrin. 

[Rose Mosse]

It might be a matter of perspective and that's something that trained health professionals can help with. 

One person's cup of tea isn't another's so happy is quite relative. Your perspectives might change.

[DarkCh0c0]

@Southwest okay. I understand.

How about you go to a retreat/take a break from life? Somewhere nice and calm. Close to nature/the sea.

It'll help you see that there are good things in life, and that it can be good when you are ready. But for now, take a break. It's all too much.

[Jibralta]

14 minutes ago, Southwest said:

While others that have never had to work on themselves continue to get what they want. 

How do you know who has worked on themselves and who hasn't?

[LaHermes]

1 hour ago, Southwest said:

Being below average in attractiveness and then having my parents help that by making me extremely anti social and obese had made me extremely bitter. They were lazy and won't take any responsibility for what they did

Well, SW, we are HERE now, on this July 2021 day, not back then.  Ruminating over the past will lead nowhere.  No one can make you bitter, you do that to yourself.  So, there is another trait to get rid of, quickly: bitterness.  It is most unattractive.

 

[Southwest]

13 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

SW.  We have ALL had to work on ourselves!  I can assure you of that.  No one gets anything for nothing.  Working on oneself is entirely different from "working to change things in one's life". The working on oneself LEADS to changes in one's life. 

And, could I add, working on oneself is HARD work! 

"Other people's" lives are in fact none of your business. Their lives are their lives, not yours.  Besides which, you have no inkling what their lives, present or future, might really be like.  You have to stop, today, right now, this comparing yourself to others and their situations.

And, yes, being in touch with reality is a very healthy way to be.  What you need to stop accepting is this mindset of yours. You can do it. 

 

I really don't believe everyone had to work on themselves, I just don't.  I know alot of us had to work on ourselves.  

The argument of not comparing ourselves is a huge lie that we all try to tell each other. If that really was the case nothing in life would matter other then food, water and shelter. 

Like I said I'm tired of my life, I'm tired of working so hard to end up here on this board complaining and arguing.

Not to compare again but this is my reword??? Others worked hard and have a life and partner and I got what I life I hate dumped again by the person that I thought might be the one? 

[LaHermes]

Wrong, SW.   I have never compared myself in my life to anyone.  And I dare say that holds true for many others. Why on earth would I compare myself to anyone!!  I am myself, me, I. And just fine with that. I am sure there are some, like you, who are constantly comparing themselves to others (a very unhealthy trait).

3 minutes ago, Southwest said:

Others worked hard and have a life and partner and I got what I life I hate dumped again by the person that I thought might be the one? 

Is there ANY way I/we could get you to stop saying that! L. 

And yes, everyone, but everyone, (and by that I mean the psychologically healthy) DO work on themselves, and all the time, because that is a sensible and rewarding thing to do. 

If someone is in such a rut that all around them is dark and dreary then the only way out is professional help. Nothing I or anyone else says on here is acceptable to you.  We are all wrong and you are right.

 

[Southwest]

1 hour ago, LaHermes said:

Wrong, SW.   I have never compared myself in my life to anyone.  And I dare say that holds true for many others. Why on earth would I compare myself to anyone!!  I am myself, me, I. And just fine with that. I am sure there are some, like you, who are constantly comparing themselves to others (a very unhealthy trait).

Is there ANY way I/we could get you to stop saying that! L. 

And yes, everyone, but everyone, (and by that I mean the psychologically healthy) DO work on themselves, and all the time, because that is a sensible and rewarding thing to do. 

If someone is in such a rut that all around them is dark and dreary then the only way out is professional help. Nothing I or anyone else says on here is acceptable to you.  We are all wrong and you are right.

 

I'm not saying I am right, what I'm saying alot of over generalization is being said. Therapy will help, everyone has worked on themselves,  etc... thier are lots of people that haven't worked on them selves and have long lasting relationships.  

In just this past week I've been rejected two more times. With both the same response "hey you're really cool I had alot of fun and I want to stay friends with you however I have a run into an old flame I'm going to try instead....."

[Southwest]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

How do you know who has worked on themselves and who hasn't?

You're right I don't, but I would bit a good majority don't ....

[Pleasedonot5]

SW,

1. Dating is making you miserable. You are not ready to date (you are still grieving your ex, you don't like yourself, you are depressed), yet you do it anyway. Then you post here about how you were rejected or about how there is no one who catches your interest and how you're going to have to settle. SW: Take. A. Break. 
2. You seriously need to see a physician to be evaluated for depression or anxiety. Go in, and talk to your doctor about the medications I have spoken about on your other threads. Not all mental health medication is made the same. Wellbutrin information. BuSpar information. Your doctor may have alternative suggestions if he or she thinks a different medication (or no medication) would work for you 
3. Consider therapy - you have had two bad experiences with two therapists, but every therapist is different. I also had two bad therapists to start, but then encountered a whole string of solid therapists. You probably need a therapist who practices cognitive behavioral therapy.

Hope this helps - but all we can do is provide advice. It is up to you to decide to move forward and follow through on a solution. 

[LaHermes]

18 minutes ago, Southwest said:

thier are lots of people that haven't worked on them selves and have long lasting relationships.  

Like Jibralta, I ask: how do you know. You are seeing everything through your dark and depressed lens.  And btw you are the one generalizing!

 

9 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

You seriously need to see a physician to be evaluated for depression or anxiety. Go in, and talk to your doctor about the medications

Best advice PDN.  Please seek help, SW. It is evident that we are unable to help. 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

 

1. Dating is making you miserable. You are not ready to date
2. You seriously need to see a physician to be evaluated for depression or anxiety. Go in, and talk to your doctor about the medications I have spoken about on your other threads. Not all mental health medication is made the same. Wellbutrin information. BuSpar information.
3. Consider therapy - you have had two bad experiences with two therapists, but every therapist is different.

Agree with the above advice. Give this all some consideration. 

[Southwest]

I can't even call it dating at this point, that would imply geting second dates. Which hasn't happened in a year and half and not because I turned them down. Every single one has said no to another date. You know what that does to someone. It just kills you from the inside out. 

This is why I see no point in geting help, this aspect won't change in my life.

I was put on wellbutrin, it does cause weight gain. When it was prescribed to me it made me feel like the lowest point in my life a doctor came in talked to me for five minutes asked if I was suicide wornt me script and walked put. Liltery 5 minutes to decide and talk about my past and no care for my future. 

You know what really actually helped me was finding someone. To see that there was hope that for once in my life I wasn't being used and that someone else could actually be interested in me as I was interested in them. That's what helped. That's what helped bring to an actual level headed spot. 

[Pleasedonot5]

Quote

I can't even call it dating at this point, that would imply geting second dates. Which hasn't happened in a year and half and not because I turned them down. Every single one has said no to another date. You know what that does to someone. It just kills you from the inside out. 

This is why I see no point in geting help, this aspect won't change in my life.

Being depressed and cynical shows and interferes with your ability to make a meaningful connection and score a second date. 

Additionally, you are just playing semantics now. I count "dating" to include going on a first date. My advice is - stop going on first dates while you aren't ready to date.

Quote

I was put on wellbutrin, it does cause weight gain. When it was prescribed to me it made me feel like the lowest point in my life a doctor came in talked to me for five minutes asked if I was suicide wornt me script and walked put. Liltery 5 minutes to decide and talk about my past and no care for my future. 

Sorry for your experience with Wellbutrin and thanks for clarifying. 

There are more medications that help with anxiety/depression than Wellbutrin.  (I offered that example because two of my good friends are or have been on it and have had good experiences with it). Some anti-depressants are SSRIs (which I didn't have good experiences with), there are SNRIs (like venlafaxine), and Wellbutrin is an NDRI. Buspirone is an anti-anxiety medication which, if your doctor agrees, may help with the spiraling rumination. Buspirone has helped me, a guy with an anxiety disorder, change my life for the better.

Doctors are busy but they are qualified professionals - and you should still see one.

You should still go talk to your doctor, give your symptoms, and bring up the medications we've discussed.

Quote

You know what really actually helped me was finding someone. To see that there was hope that for once in my life I wasn't being used and that someone else could actually be interested in me as I was interested in them. That's what helped. That's what helped bring to an actual level headed spot. 

First, you must be aware that starting a relationship to cure mental health issues is not a recipe for a good relationship. Plus, when relationships fail, as a majority do, you will have nothing to fall back on. You are seeing this now.

Second, you are less likely to score a solid relationship while in this mental state. If you work on yourself - including getting help - you will be more likely to find and enter into the fulfilling relationship you want.

[LaHermes]

1 minute ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

First, you must be aware that starting a relationship to cure mental health issues is not a recipe for a good relationship. Plus, when relationships fail, as a majority do, you will have nothing to fall back on. You are seeing this now.

Second, you are less likely to score a solid relationship while in this mental state. If you work on yourself - including getting help - you will be more likely to find and enter into the fulfilling relationship you want.

It is dreadful to put the burden on another person to make you feel "happy" or good about yourself.  In fact that is a recipe for disaster.  It is not the other person's job to be your crutch, your saviour, your ALL.

And speaking of therapists, might I add that therapists are not magicians, who wave a magic wand and make everything right in a flash.  A good therapist will lead you to the right place, but only of course if you pull with him/her.

You have a hard slog ahead of you, SW, and I would suggest you take the good advice offered here and start on the hard work. 

 

[Kwothe28]

13 minutes ago, Southwest said:

You know what really actually helped me was finding someone. To see that there was hope that for once in my life I wasn't being used and that someone else could actually be interested in me as I was interested in them. That's what helped. That's what helped bring to an actual level headed spot. 

Which you will have a very hard time to do. Until you dont get into the right headspace by yourself. You need to love yourself first. You need to feel that you are great, that you have something to offer. If you dont feel it, other side wont feel it too. How will you get second dates if other side doesnt feel that you are great for them? 

Also, you need a better perspective regarding dates in general. Think I already told this story here: I have an aquitance. He is not some pretty boy, has beer belly, has a failed marriage and a kid, low income job etc. But he manages to have pretty good love life. Because he has that bold-faced manner that some women love and his motto is "If one doesnt want me, somebody else will". You cant keep being depadant on whether some girl(because that is what they are in the end, just "some girl") didnt like you. You have to believe that no matter how many flaws you have, that you are enough and that somebody else will like you. And that will get you second dates in no time. And that all comes from the right headspace. Which you dont have right now.

[Southwest]

I'm sorry I just don't agree with that he is an outlier. The majority of unattractive people do not have this same luck. There are tones of people that are not in the right headspace that have lasting relationships. 

Anyway no matter what I say at this point it will just be taken as me arguing with everyone.  I give up.

[Southwest]

23 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Which you will have a very hard time to do. Until you dont get into the right headspace by yourself. You need to love yourself first. You need to feel that you are great, that you have something to offer. If you dont feel it, other side wont feel it too. How will you get second dates if other side doesnt feel that you are great for them? 

Also, you need a better perspective regarding dates in general. Think I already told this story here: I have an aquitance. He is not some pretty boy, has beer belly, has a failed marriage and a kid, low income job etc. But he manages to have pretty good love life. Because he has that bold-faced manner that some women love and his motto is "If one doesnt want me, somebody else will". You cant keep being depadant on whether some girl(because that is what they are in the end, just "some girl") didnt like you. You have to believe that no matter how many flaws you have, that you are enough and that somebody else will like you. And that will get you second dates in no time. And that all comes from the right headspace. Which you dont have right now.

 

[Southwest]

37 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Which you will have a very hard time to do. Until you dont get into the right headspace by yourself. You need to love yourself first. You need to feel that you are great, that you have something to offer. If you dont feel it, other side wont feel it too. How will you get second dates if other side doesnt feel that you are great for them? 

Also, you need a better perspective regarding dates in general. Think I already told this story here: I have an aquitance. He is not some pretty boy, has beer belly, has a failed marriage and a kid, low income job etc. But he manages to have pretty good love life. Because he has that bold-faced manner that some women love and his motto is "If one doesnt want me, somebody else will". You cant keep being depadant on whether some girl(because that is what they are in the end, just "some girl") didnt like you. You have to believe that no matter how many flaws you have, that you are enough and that somebody else will like you. And that will get you second dates in no time. And that all comes from the right headspace. Which you dont have right now.

I'm sorry I just don't agree with that he is an outlier. The majority of unattractive people do not have this same luck. There are tones of people that are not in the right headspace that have lasting relationships. 

Anyway no matter what I say at this point it will just be taken as me arguing with everyone.  I give up.

P.s. sorry for the multiple duplicate posts.

[Pleasedonot5]

54 minutes ago, Southwest said:

Anyway no matter what I say at this point it will just be taken as me arguing with everyone.  I give up.

SW, you are free to push back against some of the things we say if it helps you. No judgment from me - you are obviously in pain right now like a lot of people on this site and everyone deals with that pain differently. 

We just want you to seek help - and you must understand that you seem to have refused the solutions we have all offered thus far, so we push back. For instance:  you rebuff a majority of the solutions offered with variations of "I tried that already." You may have tried categories of some of the solutions offered (i.e., you've been to therapy twice, you've tried Wellbutrin, you've tried not going on dates for a while), but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try again. What you are doing is like saying "I've been in two relationships, therefore the third must fail." Or "the last two dates didn't work, so I'm going to stop." You are currently seeking another relationship through dates so you already know that that line of thinking isn't intuitive. 

So basically, all I am saying is just because you tried therapy twice, doesn't mean the third time will fail. Just because you've been on Wellbutrin (NDRI) in the past, doesn't mean a different medication (all the various SSRIs, SNRIs, and buspirone and at different dosages, to name a few) wouldn't work for you. And just because you tried not going on dates for a year and it didn't make you feel better, doesn't mean that taking a break wouldn't do you good (like I said, going on dates is clearly making you spiral).

For the record, if it sounds like I'm arguing (1) it's probably on account of studying to be an attorney (lol) and (2) my only intention is to help - to post for your benefit. The "argument" is to help you come to terms with that some of the negative self-talk isn't true or accurate but rather lies/untruths that your brain is telling you.  

Hope this helps.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Southwest said:

I'm sorry I just don't agree with that he is an outlier. The majority of unattractive people do not have this same luck. There are tones of people that are not in the right headspace that have lasting relationships. 

 

Its not luck, guy got tons of girls because he is in the right headspace. Also, I didnt said its impossible. Just that its very hard in your particular case. You dont like yourself. You are(or were) on prescription drugs, pining over some old flame that didnt work(fair reason, people sometimes do that, but still), thinking that discarding friends who are in relationship would bring you anything else then more misery and that somehow longterm relationship with any girl will magically fix you. It doesnt work that way usually, its not their job to fix you. They should like you for who you are. How do you expect them to do that when you dont even like yourself? Who do you expect to attract with that kind of thinking? That is why I said that you need a good headspace. And that the rest of stuff would be way easier if you manage to fix that. 

[Wiseman2]

Depression is a neurochemical brain disease. It is highly inheritable.

Just as an ear infection would hurt your ear, depression causes emotional pain.

 As @Pleasedonot5 pointed out, there are many medications.

They regulate the neurotransmitters your brain is deficient in, which is causing the depression. 

The newer ones are highly specific and many do not have weight gain as a side effect.

[Southwest]

It doesn't matter I'll never be in the right head space and by the time if I ever do ill be a little be older and fatter and have less teeth. I feel I'm the only one that can actually have a realistic view on the shoes I live in. 

I'm spiraling bad i know. No amount of work on myself will fix my situation. No work will get me to a place where I feel happy about being a relationship with someone else. They all just feel like second best at this point. I will never find someone like her. 

Again I'm just bitter. I'm bitter at life and my parents. And all I'm told now is well it's in the past so just work on it. Great because of them I lost one best relationships I had, because of them I was brought up to be anti social and basically be border line retarded.  Thanks guys. I can go date some other pathetic loser. Hey don't worry thier drug use and video game use got put before thier kids needs thanks! 

I wish I had never got involved with my ex. It was just a horrible joke. 

[LaHermes]

4 minutes ago, Southwest said:

I'm bitter at life and my parents.

Most unhelpful OP. But, do as you please. Great advice here but you don't want to listen to it. There is little more we can do.

You were dealt a bad hand where your parents were concerned.  It's now up to you how you play that hand.  Starting with addressing your depression. 

And btw it is NOT your parents' fault that you "lost" (as you put it) this so-called relationship.  You refuse all suggestions, help and advice. 

Why even bother asking us?

[Southwest]

1 minute ago, LaHermes said:

Most unhelpful OP. But, do as you please. Great advice here but you don't want to listen to it. There is little more we can do.

You were dealt a bad hand where your parents were concerned.  It's now up to you how you play that hand.  Starting with addressing your depression. 

And btw it is NOT your parents' fault that you "lost" (as you put it) this so-called relationship.  You refuse all suggestions, help and advice. 

Why even bother asking us?

Idk maybe I'm just looking for a ear. I'm not sure why I'm asking.  Your right it wasn't there fault I lost the relationship, I did and I will never forgive myself for loosing that relationship. It's something that will stay with me for the rest of my life because I was to scard.