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Hello guys! So, my mother said to me go to a rehab, or go out from my place. She is owner, but she's got few appartments.

My appartments is not mine by the law, but im living inside for a 12 years.

I dont wanna go to a rehab because of she. Drinking few beers per a day, so this is not her buisness though.

I am 30 years old, and i paid for appartments regulary. She is kinda mad about my lifestyle, and come to my place whithout my permission.

Feel myself so depressed, kinda im wierdo and... like a criminal, but im not! She is old, and looks kinda insane and wants me only doing whats she want.

I am musician, not employed right now, but who cares if duties are paid by me. I dont know what to do, she said that if i dont wanna be rehabed she come with police officers and kicked me out. So angry, if some old persons reads this - please, be patient to your matured childrens. When im 30 i want live my life by myself, and if i dont wanna be with you - thats my freaking deal. Thats all.

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Find a new apartment to rent away from this madness??

Simple, since you can still afford to pay rent. It's time to grow up and seek real change. Also, you need to work on having more boundaries with your mom. Whether you live there or not: assert your needs and double-down your boundaries.

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

My advise about your situation remains the same:

 

i dont like commercials, and think this place is bad moderated because of you.

Thanks, but no, thanks. AA, NA, LGBT, USSR - nah, oh my gosh, so tired of my mother inspired by COMMUNISM,

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2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Find a new apartment to rent away from this madness??

Simple, since you can still afford to pay rent. It's time to grow up and seek real change. Also, you need to work on having more boundaries with your mom. Whether you live there or not: assert your needs and double-down your boundaries.

Thanks a lot, but renting costs high.

 Also your advice sounds for me like that - find a 24/7 job, and work for a sake of some guy who have better relationship with parents.

And... why she dont need to work about our relationship with a specialist? Why all hell on me?

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You mother would not suggest you go to rehab for no good reason.  Clearly she can see you're back to your old drinking habits, and for any alcoholic that's a bad thing.  Whatever is going on, (the FULL story), it is enough for her to see you're going downhill again and need rehab.  She has every right, imo. 

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Curious, you pay rent now but you balk at the idea of moving out to a different complex, due to high renting costs. I'm assuming this means that the rent you pay now is substancially less than what most renters pay in your area? 

Legally speaking, do you have a lease with your mom? Or just a verbal agreement with her that you'll live in x apartment and pay x amount per month? I don't know the laws of your state but you may have some tenant rights that would protect you from being evicted by your mom. I am not sure; I am not a lawyer. I suggest you look into your local community resources, even going down to your local courthouse, and asking for information on renters' rights that are relevant to you.

Unfortunately, you're in between a rock and a hard place. You do have a couple options, some better than others, just laying them out.

1.) Acquiese your mom by going to rehab. When done, you can either come back and stay sober, maybe find a job, or go back to your old ways. Up to you.

2.) Look into the legal route that I mentioned. If you have tenant rights in your area, you can dig your heels in the dirt and force her to take more drastic measures. This may really hurt your relationship with your mom and you may eventually lose (get evicted anyway). 

3.) Get a job, move out to a place that is inevitably more expensive. Continue to work to pay the rent.

4.) Don't get a job, move out anyway, either rent a room in someone's house (much cheaper than an apartment) or couch surf for a while with friends. Couch surfing may burn bridges with friends over the long term, and you may not find a room to rent or HATE doing it. 

 

What are you inclined to do now? 

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You already went to rehab once according to your other thread. Then you started using again.

Your mother is probably frightened for you.  Maybe she thinks tough love will make you want to get sober.

What do you want your life to be?

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If your Mom is you landlord, she needs to go through a legal process to evict you--she can't just SAY get out. She'll need to show lack of rent payments or abuse of property in order to legally evict you, she can't just tell them that she doesn't like your beer habit. That won't fly.

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Posted (edited)
6 hours ago, achefull said:

, so tired of my mother inspired by COMMUNISM,

Go to social services. They'll help you with housing, medical and mental health care,etc.

Your family can evict you. They probably should. On the streets, you'll get picked up by the police and they'll bring you to a hospital for detox.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Posted (edited)

@achefull welcome to the real world: you need to work and pay bills.

If you are the legal renter of the apartment, why not change the locks for a first simple step?

If you are not, then look for an apartment in a low cost area-since you don't commute to work (for now). If this is too expensive, then consider flat sharing or taking a side-job.

Fyi your mom is what she is. She won't change. But, you, you are the adult here and you are more aware. You have more capabilities to learn and change than her. I used to wonder too with my mom, but then you realize you need to take the higher road with these people and do your best to keep their toxic energy away from you. That's on us. That's on you. You have a responsibility here, even more than her. You're not a victim child anymore. That's why, again, you need to work on increasing your boundaries with her: be firm and not rude.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Go to social services. They'll help you with housing, medical and mental health care,etc.

Your family can evict you. They probably should. On the streets, you'll get picked up by the police and they'll bring you to a hospital for detox.

Even if i clear and staying sober daily? No, they cant. Sounds stupid. But yeah, probably i should try. Thanks.

 

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You already went to rehab once according to your other thread. Then you started using again.

Your mother is probably frightened for you.  Maybe she thinks tough love will make you want to get sober.

What do you want your life to be?

maybe she stinks a bit... defenetly shes carying. and she is saint mother mary...

my life is ok, i have some money from my previous work. it was hardworking. why cant i have some drinks in the evining?

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

If your Mom is you landlord, she needs to go through a legal process to evict you--she can't just SAY get out. She'll need to show lack of rent payments or abuse of property in order to legally evict you, she can't just tell them that she doesn't like your beer habit. That won't fly.

Yep, thanks a lot. Legaly, its not that easy for my parents kick me out with police officers. They need court permisions, thats what i heard. Thanks.

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@achefull welcome to the real world: you need to work and pay bills.

If you are the legal renter of the apartment, why not change the locks for a first simple step?

If you are not, then look for an apartment in a low cost area-since you don't commute to work (for now). If this is too expensive, then consider flat sharing or taking a side-job.

Fyi your mom is what she is. She won't change. But, you, you are the adult here and you are more aware. You have more capabilities to learn and change than her. I used to wonder too with my mom, but then you realize you need to take the higher road with these people and do your best to keep their toxic energy away from you. That's on us. That's on you. You have a responsibility here, even more than her. You're not a victim child anymore. That's why, again, you need to work on increasing your boundaries with her: be firm and not rude.

So, ok. I change my locks. But they staying right behind the door, trying to knock right into my head, and when i need to go for some foods or just outside - wuola!, mother crying, shouting, etc...

So, yep, im not a kid anymore. They are kids, they on theirs benefits and have all the free times.

All the time they have - they spent only for a sake of my sufferings, yeah, thats on us. Thx...

 

Theres only one way for my iron curtain - work for some extra money and go far away for renting my own place. Hope i can do this.

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7 hours ago, Fudgie said:

Curious, you pay rent now but you balk at the idea of moving out to a different complex, due to high renting costs. I'm assuming this means that the rent you pay now is substancially less than what most renters pay in your area? 

Legally speaking, do you have a lease with your mom? Or just a verbal agreement with her that you'll live in x apartment and pay x amount per month? I don't know the laws of your state but you may have some tenant rights that would protect you from being evicted by your mom. I am not sure; I am not a lawyer. I suggest you look into your local community resources, even going down to your local courthouse, and asking for information on renters' rights that are relevant to you.

Unfortunately, you're in between a rock and a hard place. You do have a couple options, some better than others, just laying them out.

1.) Acquiese your mom by going to rehab. When done, you can either come back and stay sober, maybe find a job, or go back to your old ways. Up to you.

2.) Look into the legal route that I mentioned. If you have tenant rights in your area, you can dig your heels in the dirt and force her to take more drastic measures. This may really hurt your relationship with your mom and you may eventually lose (get evicted anyway). 

3.) Get a job, move out to a place that is inevitably more expensive. Continue to work to pay the rent.

4.) Don't get a job, move out anyway, either rent a room in someone's house (much cheaper than an apartment) or couch surf for a while with friends. Couch surfing may burn bridges with friends over the long term, and you may not find a room to rent or HATE doing it. 

 

What are you inclined to do now? 

Thanks a lot, im addict in the past, so i have no friends at all. One pissed couch for a day or two probably i can find, nah...

Thanks for your replying. Probably rehab not that bad for me... Hate being absolutely sober so much, but i cant find good job without fresh breath at least. Thanks a lot.

 

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Addicts who previously attended rehab should not drink. If you can't get through the day without drinking you have a drinking problem.

Your parents probably know this and are concerned.

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Actually I rent my parents' apartment too but thankfully they don't just turn up lol Or maybe they do when I'm out, who knows lol I'm guessing you're drinking more than just a few beers a day? Otherwise I don't see why your mother would be pressuring you to go to rehab. I think unfortunately your only option if you don't like this situation is to move to a different place.

I mean technically your mother can kick you out because it's her place. Any landlord can ask any tenant to move out but they are required by law to give you a certain amount of notice. If your mother's condition for you to live there is that you go to rehab then unfortunately you'll have to either go to rehab or you'll have to just move out. I'm guessing your mother is just really worried about your health and she's using drastic measures for it.

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Actually, its illegal to change the locks without the landlord's permission/consent.  I had someone live in the unit under me who did so because she kicked an abusive boyfriend out. The landlord successfully evicted her.  If she had asked the landlord, the landlord would have changed the locks and she would still be living there, but you CANNOT block access to your unit in case of fire or fire -- the landlord is legally allowed to go in there without notice in that case.   She refused to give the landlord (who was a very honest, above the board person who left the tenants alone.

I really think that you need to stop drinking - look at it from your mom's perspective - you have no job and all she sees is you drinking. You have substituted one drug for another. that's it.  I bet she charges you less than the going rate for an apartment.  She loves you and doesn't want you circling the drain. 

"you should be allowed to have a few drinks at night".  What do you do all day -- you aren't working 9 hours at the local factory and want to kick back with a beer  when you get home - do something - volunteer even, or even ask if you can help with gardening around the buildings - anything to get your mind off of needing to drink or do drugs.  Your mom doesn't sound bad - she just loves you.  Many people wish they had someone who cared.  She just refuses to enable you. 

so go to rehab or get out -- but i hope you go to some sort of a program -- and maybe you should be checked to see if you are self medicating for some reason -- if you have a chemical imbalance or something maybe you can get help for that and be able to move forward with treatment

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Posted (edited)

So this is simple. Just find a job and move out.

I know you say you are a musician and maybe that's why you don't want to find a job right now unless it's music related?

You can do both.

My friend worked as cook while pursuing music on the side. After winning a talent contest on TV, he became famous with a couple hit songs on the radio and is very successful. He is pretty famous in EU and has lots of fans.. but he started with having that side career as a chef to pay the bills..

Now the discouraging thing is that even though he has a couple hit radio songs, won music awards, thousands of fans, is featured in newspapers etc., he's not very rich...he showed me his bank account to prove to me and only had like 10,000 euros or so...which was pretty shocking since his songs have like 1M plus views on youtube...

Anyways...I'd just get that job, find a new place, and continue making music!

 

Edited by mical
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  • 2 weeks later...

Many thanks.

At first - i wana talk about personality issue. Im not underage about drinks.

Ive got relationships. At least i want.

If my parents are that old - no dancin', no music, no fun at all... it's on their own. Im not in charge.

About housekeeping... Im not a landlord( just rule the continents), but... what do you think? They had 3 appartments(probably more, thay said to me only what they want me to do). And, when i was young, they ask me for some help to get some from government. So this freeking bothering me. I want my beers if i wanted it. I want my place, probably for... my family and my kids. And yep, i was working that hard - 12 ours shifts for years.

I think they ve got no heart at all.

Ive got some sponsorship now for my drinks. Defenetly i need more, but... 1$ beer defenetly is a crime... Sure, im an a addict... And we need some officers to kick me out because of our differences...

 

Were good with my oldies. Polite.  Always.

Probably few angry words after this mess.

After all, i ask you.

Who needs to be medicated? Me? Really?

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On 7/9/2021 at 8:24 AM, Tinydance said:

Actually I rent my parents' apartment too but thankfully they don't just turn up lol Or maybe they do when I'm out, who knows lol I'm guessing you're drinking more than just a few beers a day? Otherwise I don't see why your mother would be pressuring you to go to rehab. I think unfortunately your only option if you don't like this situation is to move to a different place.

I mean technically your mother can kick you out because it's her place. Any landlord can ask any tenant to move out but they are required by law to give you a certain amount of notice. If your mother's condition for you to live there is that you go to rehab then unfortunately you'll have to either go to rehab or you'll have to just move out. I'm guessing your mother is just really worried about your health and she's using drastic measures for it.

Really? You renting your parents house? Thats so weird for me, i cant believe that parents can be so...

Greedy?

Or, probably you and your parents got really different level of understanding things...

Thank you for your kind anwsewering

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@achefull aren't you renting from your parents? How is renting from them "greedy"?

Listen, when you become an adult, there is no reason for you not to pay rent and utilities.

You need to strap-on a pair and decide what you want here. We've all given you options, but you keep on complaining about how your parents won't stop doing things. How about you start doing things your way? Take initiative. You go after the change you want.

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43 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@achefull aren't you renting from your parents? How is renting from them "greedy"?

Listen, when you become an adult, there is no reason for you not to pay rent and utilities.

You need to strap-on a pair and decide what you want here. We've all given you options, but you keep on complaining about how your parents won't stop doing things. How about you start doing things your way? Take initiative. You go after the change you want.

pay house duties, but not a rent to them.

probably, even more, i should pay them for their 'psychological' help? like threting me, and pushing me doing something?

pissed couch! one more for me!

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1 hour ago, achefull said:

pay house duties, but not a rent to them.

probably, even more, i should pay them for their 'psychological' help? like threting me, and pushing me doing something?

pissed couch! one more for me!

No sorry but I don't actually agree with you. I pay rent to my parents every week for living in their apartment and I also pay all the bills. If you are renting from anyone you have to pay rent. My parents have a mortgage on this apartment so the rent from a tenant is what helps pay the mortgage. Also my parents are in their early 60's and will probably retire soon so they need this money. I never even thought about that I don't have to pay rent. I always thought that's what you need to do. I do get a good discount on the rent and I always thought I was very lucky. I'm not sure what country you're from but you don't seem to have a very adult way of thinking. 

Also, the thing is your mother actually CAN kick you out. She owns this place. She does legally have to give you a certain amount of notice first though. If she did kick you out maybe it's an unfair reason but landlords don't actually have to give a reason. They usually just send a letter in advance asking the tenant to move. Because they own the place it's in their right to do so unfortunately.

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1 hour ago, Tinydance said:

No sorry but I don't actually agree with you. I pay rent to my parents every week for living in their apartment and I also pay all the bills. If you are renting from anyone you have to pay rent. My parents have a mortgage on this apartment so the rent from a tenant is what helps pay the mortgage. Also my parents are in their early 60's and will probably retire soon so they need this money. I never even thought about that I don't have to pay rent. I always thought that's what you need to do. I do get a good discount on the rent and I always thought I was very lucky. I'm not sure what country you're from but you don't seem to have a very adult way of thinking. 

Also, the thing is your mother actually CAN kick you out. She owns this place. She does legally have to give you a certain amount of notice first though. If she did kick you out maybe it's an unfair reason but landlords don't actually have to give a reason. They usually just send a letter in advance asking the tenant to move. Because they own the place it's in their right to do so unfortunately.

Your parents might be giving you tough love because they know they aren't going to live forever at this point and cannot and do not want to think about you dying before them from alcohol poisioning, trusting the wrong people and just going with the flow with them (someone can slip you a drug, or strangle you or give you HiV which i get is not a death sentence but people still die).   They want to retire in a few years - its time for you to take this all seriously.  

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