Ex and I want to be together, but we have different life goals and values

[somegirl313]

Hi everyone. My ex (24M) and I (22F) have been thinking of getting back together, however I’m on the fence about it because I feel we have different goals and values in life and it’s making me doubt our future together. I come from a family who really values education, my older sister has a doctorate’s degree in pharmacy and has set the standard very high for my siblings and myself. I’m about to enter nursing school, it is a 4 year program, while he seems to still be unsure about what he wants to do with his life... and he’s been this way since I’ve met him, nearly 4 years ago. About 2 years ago when we were still a couple, I sat down with him and helped him choose a career that would best suit him. He agreed that physical therapy would be a good choice for him, however he has not done anything to work towards his career. He’s even dropped out of school after we broke up and up until now, is not taking any classes even though it’s been all online within the past year. His reason for not being in school is that he wants to make money to pay off his car first... however I disagree with this because I know many people who go to school, work, and are still able to make paying their bills happen. Besides, if this is the path he wants to take—paying off his car first and then going back to school, then he won’t go back to school until he’s in his late 20s. By then I will be finished with school and starting my career. I kind of think that is just a lame excuse he is using so he can put finishing school on the back burner. He recently has gotten into stocks, and he’s thinking of pursuing day trading as his career... I, on the other hand, don’t think it’s a good idea because I feel the chances of him making a good profit out of that is extremely low. He also doesn’t have much money to begin with, going back to his reason for not going back to school. I read that to become a successful day trader, you must have a decent amount of money to start out with. It just bothers me that he doesn’t want to work hard to achieve something. It’s also important to me to have a partner who is on the same page as me so we can grow together and motivate each other... I have talked to him about this many times and he would get mad or annoyed at me every time, saying that he already told me what he’s going to do and that’s final. I want to help him and I’ve tried to motivate him but he doesn’t seem interested.. so as you can see this makes me worry for our future together. And if this information helps at all, his parents are very laidback and don’t really push their kids to get an education. His dad is a recovering alcoholic. He’s also had an abusive childhood. 
 

I also want to add that aside from all of this, I have never felt a connection and love as deep with anyone as I do with my ex, which is what makes this so hard. He’s been a big part of my life for the past 3+ years. My question is am I being too shallow or is this a valid concern to have? What should I do?

[Jibralta]

It's a valid concern.

Loving someone and feeling a deep connection to them is great, but there's much, much more to a relationship than that. All of those warm, fuzzy feelings will disappear after a couple of years of you pulling all of the weight in this relationship. 

You're already mothering him about his career choice, and about going to college. Save that for your children, if you choose to have them. A relationship is a partnership, not a parent-child dynamic. Yes, you will need to support one another sometimes, but what you have here is not 'sometimes.' You have a person who plans poorly and makes bad decisions. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, somegirl313 said:

 I’m about to enter nursing school, it is a 4 year program, while he seems to still be unsure about what he wants to do with his life.

Your concerns are valid.

Unfortunately, you are still quite incompatible and you can't push or micromanage him into compatibility or into what you expect a BF to be.

On/Off relationships, typically involve a lack of compatibility combined with toxic attachment, just as you described.

He's simply not the right guy for you, so mothering, micromanaging, etc. won't fix that.

Let him live his life as he sees fit. You live yours as you see fit. Make sure in future relationships that you keep good boundaries in place and stay in your own lane.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

Great advice above. I totally agree.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, somegirl313 said:

I sat down with him and helped him choose a career that would best suit him.

No no no.  I agree with the others.  Not shallow at all -these are values.  As much as I was called shallow I had and have the same values and didn't require wealth -just financial stability- but did want someone who valued higher education enough to accomplish at least a college degree and do it for the right reasons -even if he could make more money dropping out and being a day trader, an entrepreneur, or one of the trades.  I respected all of those choices -my grandpa had a window cleaning business and didn't go to highschool - and at the same time I wanted my romantic partner, my future husband, to share my educational values (plus work ethic, ambition and drive to be financially stable -those sorts of financial values).  Not shallow at all.  But I agree with the others -I don't think you love him in the way that is the foundation for a healthful relationship - you don't respect or admire him enough -those two things are not always love but are certainly intertwined with it and essential for a marriage.  

He needs to do him.  His choices are valid. His values are valid. He may very well be extremely intelligent and also not a person suited to attend college or pursue a career that would flow from a college degree.  Those are also good values -to know oneself, to know one's skills, strengths, passions -rather than blindly go to college 'just because" and get all those loans, etc for nothing.  But his values are incompatible with yours.

[Lambert]

I agree with the others... You can love someone and still be incompatible. Right now you're still in the warm fuzziness of potential for him. You see what he could be.

But that window is closing.... in time you will be moving on to more exciting circles with people more like you. Accomplishing things and moving up in the world. 

You can't motivate another person. They have to want better and put in the work.

He's already making grandiose statements of being a day trader. The fact that he thinks he can just start doing that as a full time job and make money shows how little he knows about it.

Don't get back together with this guy... its a waste of your time. 

[SooSad33]

6 hours ago, somegirl313 said:

It just bothers me that he doesn’t want to work hard to achieve something. It’s also important to me to have a partner who is on the same page as me so we can grow together and motivate each other... I have talked to him about this many times and he would get mad or annoyed at me every time, saying that he already told me what he’s going to do and that’s final

Right.. you are on different paths.. You have your choices, as does he.

What you say or how you see things, is only as your perspective.  Same goes from his end.

You two are split ( unknown as to why), but maybe that is also an issue between you's)...

6 hours ago, somegirl313 said:

And if this information helps at all, his parents are very laidback and don’t really push their kids to get an education. His dad is a recovering alcoholic. He’s also had an abusive childhood. 

Yup, this is him, and these are his ways.  Way too much comparing & assumptions going on - but at least you've reconsidered your future with him.

 

I think you two have had enough disagreements over his ways vs yours.

You know what is best.  To always look at your own future.

 

 

[Rose Mosse]

I see this in two ways. This depends on what you want out of this relationship. It's not serious as far as I can tell. You're both too different. You can have fun with it (let it run its course without micromanaging) or you can go your separate ways. 

I would tread with extreme care regarding his abusive background/childhood. History does repeat itself in uncanny ways and you don't want to lock yourself into something you can't even trust from the start. 

If you are concerned about your studies, forget relationships right now and focus on your degree or nursing school. You're 22 and just starting nursing school which seems late? If you're feeling pressure to compete with your siblings, try not to worry about it. Use that excitement and motivation and pressure towards your own goals. What your sister does is up to her. Stay focused on what you want to do with your life. You'll meet lots of people similar to you on the journey too. 

 

 

[boltnrun]

He's not required to work in the career you picked out for him. He's capable of deciding for himself. Just because you would do it differently doesn't mean he's wrong.

I never had a career but I've always worked. I didn't graduate from college either. I currently have a very good job. It pays decently and I like the work. Some might call me unambitious or unsuccessful but I disagree. I can tell you, if someone tried to instruct me on what job I should have I wouldn't react well.

Bottom line, you want a career man with a degree. He does not want to be a career man with a degree. Therefore you two are incompatible. No one is wrong, you two are just not a fit.

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, somegirl313 said:

My question is am I being too shallow or is this a valid concern to have? What should I do?

As somebody who values education, no, you are not in the wrong. Its a process that not only gives you a better degree and chance for a better job, but also transforms you into individual with higher values. You not only gain knowledge, you also hang around with like minded people with whom you can talk about stuff you are interested and learn from them. In 4 years you will be nurse or more. Hanging around with doctors. Where would he be in 4 years? Stll trying to get rich on stocks or crypto? Trying something else? If you think the wedge is big now in your values it will just get bigger in time. I am not saying it couldnt work, know plenty of couples where one side has gone for education while other made a career without it. Just that its pretty hard especially when you value education as a process.

[melancholy123]

My daughter is 38 and a registered m massage therapist with her own busy clinic with other RMTs on staff.  She has a husband and 2 young kids.  She is taking an online university class working towards a Bachelor of Health Sciences.  Your guy is lazy!  He can do his class if he wants to plus work.  It's a bad excuse.

You two are so not on the same page, you have plans and goals, he has none.

I have a friend who is almost 60 and calls himself a day trader, spending the day watching stocks go up and down.  He is gambling his retirement fund on this!  Sometimes he makes money, sometimes he doesn't.  If you dont have deep pockets and nerves of steel and a bucket of knowledge, you can lose your money pretty fast.

I dont see this working out for you, too many strikes against it.

 

 

 

[somegirl313]

It hurts me to think of not having him in my life, we loved each other so much and have had so many happy memories together. He understands be like no other. Being friends is out of the question since we’ve had such a long history together. I wanted a future with him. But I am just afraid our differences will cause resentment and even bigger issues down the line 

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

As somebody who values education, no, you are not in the wrong. Its a process that not only gives you a better degree and chance for a better job, but also transforms you into individual with higher values. You not only gain knowledge, you also hang around with like minded people with whom you can talk about stuff you are interested and learn from them.

I actually don't think she has to justify it generally- she is entitled to his values and there are many who value working with their hands, learning a trade, being an entrepreneur whether or not they also attend university, etc.  She's not going to have higher values or be transformed just because she goes to college -it depends why she goes, how she handles her studies and internships and activities, who she interacts with.  More importantly if she pressures him into going to college he will not be transformed other than into someone resentful and half-hearted about his studies, most likely.  

The best thing I ever did other than marriage or motherhood was go to grad school (and because of that choice, I met my future husband and built up a financial nest egg before I raised my son full time for a number of years).  I always highly valued education, achieving advanced degrees, as did my husband (he just attained another one in his 50s, part time!). 

I don't think I have higher values than my grandpa did (the window cleaner who didn't go to high school) or a number of my friends involved in a variety of pursuits -the arts being the most prominent one - who didn't choose to go to college (and in some cases I don't know if they did nor do I care).  

But when I was choosing a spouse it was essential to me we both shared the same basic values about work ethic, education, career, ambition, financial stability.  Dealbreaker if not.  

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, somegirl313 said:

It hurts me to think of not having him in my life, we loved each other so much and have had so many happy memories together. He understands be like no other. Being friends is out of the question since we’ve had such a long history together. I wanted a future with him. But I am just afraid our differences will cause resentment and even bigger issues down the line 

Only marry him if you respect and admire him as he is now, not what you wish he could be.  Only if you're fine being the main provider and paying your own way through your studies -he won't want to be saddled with your debt as he does not value what you are doing enough to pay for it I bet).  Only if you're fine having separate accounts given his gambling I mean day trading dreams (gambling because he seems naive about it).  Only if you're fine with your children understanding that it's not that important to go to college -he will be the father, he has a right to impart his own perspectives and values to them whether or not they choose to follow it.

I worked at my second career for 15 years before getting married and having a baby.  I spent 7 years raising my son full time.  When he was 5 or so (he's now 12) I started looking to return to the workforce in my prior field at least part time.  I found the perfect position.  But it didn't pay well at all.  We did not need the $ -I wanted to work again in my field.  Badly. 

But this meant my husband sacrificing at times - the couple of times my son was sick and I had a meeting, during this pandemic when we both had to telework and our schedules conflicted, I wanted him to be there for me when work was overwhelming or stressful and listen to me (not incessantly but sure, sometimes as is normal). He very easily could have insisted I quit since we don't need the $.  But we have the same values -this strong work ethic and passion for our work.  He gets why I want to work.  Working actually helped my mental health during this pandemic. 

He totally wouldn't have related had he not shared those values with me and I likely couldn't have justified keeping my job.  Think about it because this is just one real world way values affect a marriage. 

I know I couldn't do it.  But maybe you can.

[somegirl313]

I don’t exactly pressure him to go back to school but I have given him suggestions to take online classes if he wants to work full time and still go to school.. but he seems to just put it on the back burner. I don’t nag at him or anything, I just tell him I worry about our future together and he knows what that means.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, somegirl313 said:

I don’t exactly pressure him to go back to school but I have given him suggestions to take online classes if he wants to work full time and still go to school.. but he seems to just put it on the back burner. I don’t nag at him or anything, I just tell him I worry about our future together and he knows what that means.

That is nagging and pressuring because he didn't ask you for advice and you give him unsolicited input on what he should do and add in that you are worried that he's not going to be educated and a good provider.  He doesn't seem to put it on the back burner -not "seem" -he doesn't act on your advice because it's not what he is interested in doing.  And you know it.  

[boltnrun]

He is not going to conduct his career your way. 

Can you build a life with him knowing he will not get a degree and will possibly work a menial or lower paying job? Or perhaps bounce from job to job? 

My husband has the degree and I don't. And we worked it out fine. Just because I don't have a degree doesn't mean I don't "value" a degree, it just wasn't for me. Our kids graduated from college and I am proud of them for doing so. I didn't tell them a degree was not important or unnecessary just because I don't have one. 

[DancingFool]

OP, you may love him dearly, but at the same time, who he is makes you seriously uncomfortable and feeling insecure, unsettled, and unsafe when you think about a future together. That does not make you or him bad people or wrong, just completely wrong for each other.

In many ways, you are complete opposites and the problem with that is that opposites attract, but then they clash and fight. Polar opposites dating short term can be fun and exciting. Unfortunately, the very things that make it exciting to be with someone who is so different from you, cause serious rifts later on. It's not a sustainable relationship in the long run. That's pretty much exactly what you are experiencing here. So it would be best to call it a day and let each other go before things become really sour.

When it comes to long term, you need to look for a guy who is more similar to you in terms of values, lifestyle, life goals, education, etc. This guy is not it and not your match in that respect. It's important that you recognize that and that you admit that you are trying to nag him and change him to be who you want him to be instead of accepting him for who he is and being happy and comfortable with that. You are not comfortable and that's OK. Just admit it and let him go. On/off means you are not compatible. Please understand that love is not enough and "but I love him" is actually selfish when you know you two aren't really working out.

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

He's not required to work in the career you picked out for him. He's capable of deciding for himself. Just because you would do it differently doesn't mean he's wrong.

I never had a career but I've always worked. I didn't graduate from college either. I currently have a very good job. It pays decently and I like the work. Some might call me unambitious or unsuccessful but I disagree. I can tell you, if someone tried to instruct me on what job I should have I wouldn't react well.

Bottom line, you want a career man with a degree. He does not want to be a career man with a degree. Therefore you two are incompatible. No one is wrong, you two are just not a fit.

This! Totally agree! I wouldn’t care if my husband was a toothbrush salesman as long as doing it was his true passion and he strived to be the best that he could be at it.

OP, not everyone views success as being academically educated. Be honest with yourself that who you want is someone who meets your standards, not someone who meets their own. And that’s totally okay, but don’t hold it against someone that their goals aren’t parallel to yours. I do agree, however, that it is important to be with someone who is motivated on their own and has goals they work hard towards achieving, whatever those goals may be.

And don’t compare yourself to your sister; what she does has no bearing on your career aspirations.

[Batya33]

57 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

He is not going to conduct his career your way. 

Can you build a life with him knowing he will not get a degree and will possibly work a menial or lower paying job? Or perhaps bounce from job to job? 

My husband has the degree and I don't. And we worked it out fine. Just because I don't have a degree doesn't mean I don't "value" a degree, it just wasn't for me. Our kids graduated from college and I am proud of them for doing so. I didn't tell them a degree was not important or unnecessary just because I don't have one. 

I think her bf doesn’t value it. When I looked for a spouse it was really really hard to meet someone who didn’t at least have a college degree.  But I wanted someone who valued it to the extent that he attained one.  Who acted on his values by going to college for the right reasons - because  he really wanted to - and accomplished a degree. I knew and know people who value higher education and didn’t attain a degree.  That person wouldn’t have been a good match for me in marriage.
I know many more people who don’t have college degrees and dismiss those who do with all sorts of negativity like it’s just a piece of paper or you don’t need one to be rich (true but why assume people go to college to be rich ), labeling them as elitist or nerdy or arrogant - sight unseen.
 

 But certainly I don’t have to get a PhD to value attaining one.  I don’t have one.  My husband does.  My dad had a medical degree and I respected his work and choice to the moon and back and I knew a medical degree wouldn’t be right for me. 
Certainly someone who doesn’t have a college degree can encourage their kids to get one.  You being an example. One of many .  But I don’t think the person the OP is dating is one of those people based on her description.  Nor does he seem to have a healthy work ethic or solid financial values that are compatible with hers. 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, somegirl313 said:

but I have given him suggestions to take online classes if he wants to work full time and still go to school.

He doesn't want to still go to school, though.  That much is very clear. 

I don't think laziness is the reason he's putting off a return to his classes. He simply doesn't want to be a physical therapist and does not want to continue studying for that when he isn't that interested. But he seems to lack the courage to come out and tell you this. 

As the others have already said, this isn't something you can or should coax him into. He needs to decide for himself what his future is going to be, and it may well be something that is not compatible to your future goals. It doesn't mean either of you is wrong, but that you are wrong for each other. 

[Fudgie]

I agree with MissCanuck - he very clearly doesn't want to go to school. These endless excuses are just that, excuses. Perhaps he is reluctant to tell you his true feelings or maybe he's not even really aware of them himself. However, it's clear that school is not on his radar. 

He needs to figure out what he will do with his life. You can't do that for him or even "help", it's really something he has to do himself. You can't give someone that kind of motivation either.

But from one nurse to another (future) one, let me tell you something: nurses are magnets for freeloaders. It's a career that is usually paid very well (if you work in the right places) and tons of opportunity for advancement/further education. If you have the desire to work a lot of OT, you'll rack up a lot of money quickly - I know a few nurses who have made $100k+ from working a ton of OT.

That said, I know many nurses who are the breadwinners and it's very easy to fall into situations where you're bank-rolling a guy who doesn't pull his weight. It's so easy to say "well, I'm on overtime this week already, what's another shift when I'm making $60+/hr?"

You see what I mean? Why would you consider this relationship when 1) it's clearly failed before, hence why he's an ex 2) you're having to push him/mother him (stop that) and 3) when you're a nurse, you're be a hot commodity on the dating market in terms of career. 

Your misgivings are your brain's way of saying "NO THIS IS A BAD IDEA". Heed it. Don't make a mistake that I've seen so many women fall into. You want an equally yolked partner? This guy ain't it. Don't invest further. 

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, Fudgie said:

I agree with MissCanuck - he very clearly doesn't want to go to school. These endless excuses are just that, excuses. Perhaps he is reluctant to tell you his true feelings or maybe he's not even really aware of them himself. However, it's clear that school is not on his radar. 

He needs to figure out what he will do with his life. You can't do that for him or even "help", it's really something he has to do himself. You can't give someone that kind of motivation either.

But from one nurse to another (future) one, let me tell you something: nurses are magnets for freeloaders. It's a career that is usually paid very well (if you work in the right places) and tons of opportunity for advancement/further education. If you have the desire to work a lot of OT, you'll rack up a lot of money quickly - I know a few nurses who have made $100k+ from working a ton of OT.

That said, I know many nurses who are the breadwinners and it's very easy to fall into situations where you're bank-rolling a guy who doesn't pull his weight. It's so easy to say "well, I'm on overtime this week already, what's another shift when I'm making $60+/hr?"

You see what I mean? Why would you consider this relationship when 1) it's clearly failed before, hence why he's an ex 2) you're having to push him/mother him (stop that) and 3) when you're a nurse, you're be a hot commodity on the dating market in terms of career. 

Your misgivings are your brain's way of saying "NO THIS IS A BAD IDEA". Heed it. Don't make a mistake that I've seen so many women fall into. You want an equally yolked partner? This guy ain't it. Don't invest further. 

Wow!  I had no idea about the nurse- freeloader connection.  Makes sense.  I am not a nurse but especially given the OPs age I’m sure it’s very helpful info 

[dias]

11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Wow!  I had no idea about the nurse- freeloader connection. 

Me too. I thought it's the same with any well paid job. At least they are getting paid for overtime. In IT the contracts state that you might need to work extra hours (which is every day) to complete your workload without getting paid overtime. I am in the wrong industry.

I didn't know there is such a plethora of freeloaders that you need to be careful lol

 

OP, he needs to figure it out on his own, you can't do anything. If your goals don't align it's better to part ways now. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I actually don't think she has to justify it generally- she is entitled to his values and there are many who value working with their hands, learning a trade, being an entrepreneur whether or not they also attend university, etc.  She's not going to have higher values or be transformed just because she goes to college -it depends why she goes, how she handles her studies and internships and activities, who she interacts with.  More importantly if she pressures him into going to college he will not be transformed other than into someone resentful and half-hearted about his studies, most likely.  

 

That is true but I have kinda "elitist" attitude regarding school. My Grandma was a tailor. For that you dont need school, she had 4 years of elementary school. But she thought us that you should strive to always hang around somebody that you could at least learn something. At her times only rich people send kids to school at all and faculty was hundreds of kilometers away and for very small elite group of people. Today, even my small town has faculty. So everyone, even the most poor people, have the opportunity to learn what they want. Anyway, what I am trying to say is, its an unique experience. It gives you opportunities, you hang around like minded people, listen to people who wrote important books on subjects you learn etc. In contrast you have people who, from one reason or another stayed in their home town, got some low income job and live on. They spent half of their time at the job with same people as them. Learning opportunities(unless they are somebody ambitious) are almost non-existant. They dont strive anywhere, possibly even regress. They get families, possibly even better job in time, but they stay on the same level. Some like that I had to convince last year that 5G doesnt cause Covid. Because ofcourse they buy anything they read on social media. That is not to say that I dont have tremendeous ammount of respect to anyone who managed to make a good career or even family without higher education(there are people with education that couldnt do neither). But education at least gives you opportunity for that higher values. In 4 years OP would maybe want to hear different stuff, for example what book he read. Not about his car or how his latest crypto scam didnt work. That is why I said the wedge may be pretty drastic. And ofcourse she shouldnt pressure him into anything. Just that, if she feels they have different values now, in 4 years those values would probably be kilometers apart. Especially because its clear he doesnt want to learn. Anything. He wants to get rich quick on stocks. He might as well be gambler, its the same career path.