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I felt pressured to have my first time and now I regret it


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Hello! Here is my story: I had my first time with my boyfriend a long time ago, but it wasn't the way I wanted it to be. I felt pressured to do it because he wouldn't stop asking every night I stayed over or just other nights when we were texting he would bring it up and even if I explain to him he was still trying to convince me with his explanations. Sometimes he asked a few times a night and often he touched me down there and even if I removed his hand he would put it back there. I really wasn't ready for a step like that yet and as a girl I wanted it to be special and romantic if it happens.

One night he asked again and I said yes because I thought that maybe I will never get ready if I wait and I just should do it. Plus the romantic things happen only in movies so I shouldn't expect something like that in real life and also I won't feel guilty for saying "no" every time and be scared that he will eventually leave. So it happened. It has been a lot of time since then and I had really burried these moments of our first time and the previous times I got touched but recently they are starting to resurface and I don't know why. I get that all that happened already happened and I can't change any of it, it's my own fault and I should move on but I seem to not be able to do it. I don't know if I'm disappointed that he never made sure I was sure because if he asked I was definitely going to say no. Or maybe that he never made sure I was feeling okey since I told him I was hurting a lot and him just saying it's normal.

Even when we had a problem and I said that we should try another time my words were never heard and that hurts. And all the times I had to go through the touching when I just wanted to cuddle. Everytime I went over I felt like he was inviting me just for these things and not because of just spending some time with me. All that keeps me up some nights and I don't even have the desire to do anything intimate with him now. I don't want to talk to him about it because I have told him once some months ago that I wish he understood me when I told him I wasn't ready and he said sorry so I don't want to bring it up again.

Since our first time our relationship became a lot stronger and even thought our sex life isn't that great he doesn't touch me if I say that I don't feel it right now and he even says he isn't inviting me over just because he expects  us to do something but because he wants to spend time with me and that's why I'm so confused about my feelings right now. I just don't know what to do and I would appreciate any advice. 

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Sorry this happened. How long have you been dating? How old is he?

The first time is not like in the movies, but it shouldn't be coerced either.

Talk to a trusted adult about what happened. You need to see a doctor for STD testing and contraception anyway. At that time, talk to the doctor about what consent is and isn't.

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I am so sorry for all your feeling.  You have every right to feel how you feel and don't beat yourself up about it.  That's not being supportive of yourself.

Maybe you can tell us a little bit more about what you want to happen?  Is it just regret from doing it?  Or are their more feelings?  I don't want to guess or make suggestions because that might influence what you say.

Sometimes it can be helpful to just talk it out.  What do you want to do? 

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Posted (edited)

I felt pressured my first time too but I completely and utterly consented.  No doubt about it.  Both were true.  I loved my boyfriend at the time, we were serious. I will tell you it got a lot better two months after that - just getting used to each other.  I was in my 20s.  I didn't love how it happened -we were stressed about my wanting to wait (I waited over a year) but we went on to have a very good and healthy sex life.  We dated for about 3 years. I think you need to get to the bottom of whether you felt you consented or not -perhaps with the help of a counselor.  

Edited by Batya33
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54 minutes ago, Josephine77 said:

Or maybe that he never made sure I was feeling okey since I told him I was hurting a lot and him just saying it's normal. Even when we had a problem and I said that we should try another time my words were never heard and that hurts. And all the times I had to go through the touching when I just wanted to cuddle. Everytime I went over I felt like he was inviting me just for these things and not because of just spending some time with me. All that keeps me up some nights and I don't even have the desire to do anything intimate with him now.

I'm really sorry that this happened to you. It sounds awful. Don't normalize anything that you are not comfortable with.

To any young girls who may be reading this: it's ok to resist the pressure. Go at your own pace. 

 

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16 hours ago, Josephine77 said:

since I told him I was hurting a lot and him just saying it's normal.

 

16 hours ago, Josephine77 said:

Even when we had a problem and I said that we should try another time my words were never heard and that hurts.

I'm not surprised you no longer want to be intimate with him. You likely feel as though you were raped. He ignored your words. He didn't care about your pain and trepidation. Why you assume your relationship is stronger now is probably the case of you settling for what you think is a strong relationship. But your standards in a partner have been extremely low, since you didn't run far and fast away from a man the minute you saw he solely cared about himself. 

Be alone and learn self-love, self-preservation, and read articles on the traits of a healthy partner. It ain't him!

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18 hours ago, Josephine77 said:

I won't feel guilty for saying "no" every time and be scared that he will eventually leave.

So you had sex with him because you were afraid he would break up with you if you continued to say "no"?

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