Online flirting

[SuzyQ425]

Need an opinion…recently discovered my boyfriend of 3 years has been making flirty comments and compliments with kissy faces to younger attractive women.  Is this a precursor to cheating or is it just “boys will be boys”?  He claimed he was on Twitter for the political debates, however the women he follows are nicknamed sassy chick, sassy tall blonde, Dustiedoll, Got it Like you Want it, AmericanBlonde, SouthernSass…and so on.  I confronted him, he claims it’s just school aged boy fun to look, but he is commenting too.  Is it harmless or do I need to worry?? I would love a guys opinion as well as women’s opinions as I feel they may differ. 

 

[Lambert]

I do not subscribe to the theory that allows, excuses and normalizes tasteless, sexist and gross behavior by men, as simply boys being boys.  

Shame on him for making you question what you know in your gut is not what you want from a partner and man.  

I would dump this guy so fast.  There is no way I would tolerate this.  NO. WAY. 

Raise your standards... let this boy be a boy by himself.  

[Rose Mosse]

You've been dating three years and unfortunately just recently discovered this. Unfortunately this is not age-related and he's looking for an excuse to just be an ass. 

Rethink what you need or want in a partner or whether you find his behaviour/lifestyle/wants/goals match up with yours. This may be the tip of the iceberg in incompatibilities. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, SuzyQ425 said:

my boyfriend of 3 years has been making flirty comments and compliments with kissy faces to younger attractive women.  

Sorry this is happening. Do you follow his social media? How old is he?

How did you recently discover this?

It's neither a precursor to cheating nor 'school boy fun'. He's being a disrespectful jerk.

Unfortunately you can't tell him what to do on social media, but you  can observe this immature, disrespectful behavior and decide if you wish to be with someone like this.

 Pull  way back and don't fret about cheating. Don't appear desperate, as if he's some big catch.

[SuzyQ425]

We are both in our mid 50’s and divorced, we both had lengthy previous marriages, mine ended because ex cheated.  I was carrying both our phones when the Twitter notification went off that sassy chick responded to his comment so of course I opened the app to see his initial comment. I confronted him about it, he apologized and said it only happened once.  Well, he lied because the next day I decided to check out his Twitter feed. I have a Twitter account,  I don’t follow him on Twitter but found him right away and there were many comments and kissy face and heart eyes emojis to several women going back 3 1/2 months.  I was so hurt.

He has apologized and asked for forgiveness and even deleted his Twitter account, but who’s to say he won’t open it back up again?  I told him I felt the flirty responses were online cheating.  

To make things even more complicated, we live together.  In MY house with his teen daughter. Breaking up would be difficult and I really don’t want that.  But I certainly don’t want to live with a man with wandering eyes either.  I told him he cheapened the value of our relationship.  I can be a forgiving person, but I don’t think I can forget this.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

@SuzyQ425 you can kick him out with a notice. He's a grown man (50s for god's sake!) and he will manage to find whatever for himself and his daughter.

He should have thought about this before cheating on you. And, if it's not twitter, it'll be something else darling.

How infuriating and unacceptable! Such a disrespectful boy. And, yes, he will become more manipulative once you tell him it's over and he'll need to get his a** out. Do not look back or let him push you to doubt yourself. Simply say what you have to say and cease all forms of unnecessary contact. Be firm. You have the strength!

[MissCanuck]

It is not harmless. And it most certainly not a "boys will be boys" move. 

He's breaking appropriate boundaries and he is plenty old enough to know better. You say you don't want to break up, but consider that he wasn't very worried about jeopardizing your entire relationship by flirting with pretty young things. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, SuzyQ425 said:

the women he follows are nicknamed sassy chick, sassy tall blonde, Dustiedoll, Got it Like you Want it, AmericanBlonde, SouthernSass

Maybe he has southern girl fetish. In that case I reccomend putting your best jeans booty shorts and cowboy boots. 😆

Jokes aside, following and commenting, sure. Flirting? Yeah, that is kinda different road. You cant allow that to happen

[smackie9]

Well lets go back in time when there was no internet..what he would be doing is gawking at women in public, cat calling, and whistling his approval, getting their attention. Now is that acceptable behavior? No he's being a pig. Any woman seeing that would know, that ain't BF material....like ewww gross.

[HeartGoesOn]

I wouldn't think twice about sending this clown packing.  He'll likely go on to find better ways to cover his tracks, as this is often the case.

Having said that, are you up for having this dark cloud hanging over your head while walking on eggshells, playing the role of a PI, putting him on a leash, etc?   All in all, I'd ask myself if this is worth my time and energy.

 

[Andrina]

He's lived half of a century already. Why would his poor ethics change all of a sudden at this point. I do believe guardian angels are at work to make sure you find out what you need to know so you don't waste any more of your time with someone unworthy.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. It's always best to cut the losers loose so you can be free to eventually meet a winner.

[boltnrun]

Where he lives is his problem.  Yeah, you care about his child but HE did this, not you.

I would give him appropriate notice (30 days?  60?) and let him work on finding housing.  I presume he's employed so he should be able to find something.

And no, you are not obligated to continue to house him just because he chose to behave like an overgrown teenager with uncontrollable hormones.  Again, he CHOSE to do this, not you.

Otherwise, you can let him stay and remain in the relationship and have the fun of constantly checking his phone, his social media use, search for newly created accounts, put a key logger on your laptop, hire a PI...if that doesn't sound like fun to you, you know what to do.

[Batya33]

Agree with the others - and know several men who would be offended by dismissing this as "boys will be boys" - nothing to do with gender and people with character and integrity do not behave this way.  He is a person who chose to make inappropriate comments to strangers on the internet.

[SooSad33]

Boys will be boys.. but he's a grown man!

He is not just 'looking' he is reacting.

I figure he is seeking some added attention as an 'ego boost'?  Yeah, he's got to grow up some!

Is different if you BOTH were enjoying some simple porn or something.. but his behaviour with these other women is odd 😕 .

As mentioned, he is a grown man.  he can handle it.  If he doesn't appreciate you enough, he need not be there.

Maybe he was 'single' for too long, he became dependent on something like this? 

 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Maybe he was 'single' for too long, he became dependent on something like this? 

I don't think it's about a person being single - a person who communicates that way with strangers on the internet lacks in character and basic respect for others.  So if I knew a man had communicated in that way before we met more than once (meaning once as a teenager, as a silly game) I would not date him and not because of the "cheating" part but because of his choice to behave that way.  

I have a 12 year old boy who will make kissy noises if you tell him someone got married  but not to the person, just upon hearing it.  That's boyishly cute (I suspect a 12 year old girl might react the same) or he'll say oooohhhhhhh if he hears of someone having a crush on someone else. But -so far thank goodness- he treats his video game online "friends" with respect and in an appropriate way.  I'm not saying this to brag- I bet he's fairly typical because you can excuse immaturity depending on age especially if it's only once or twice at most - but I don't buy this whole boys will be boys or how someone "single" treats members of the opposite sex.

Yes if a couple wants to do online porn together or some such - fine - in the privacy of their own space with others who have similar types of boundaries so that the expectations of respect are different.  

[Lambert]

I'd ask him to leave. If you forgive him and let this slide, he will know that he can do whatever he wants and you'll forgive him. 

That's the real danger in accepting less than you know you deserve. The other person doesn't see the sacrifice you're making and how you're actually letting yourself down.  So then they figure... oh well,  she'll get over it. She always does. 

You'll forgive because you want to but really you'll lose respect for him and yourself.  

You're 50... you deserve a better man. He is not a good man.  he's rather a creepy bugger.

[Unsure2021]

He’s a cheater and you know it. All cheaters are liars and he’s broken your trust with this. Dump him asap as he won’t change. Him deleting the app means nothing, as you’ve only glimpsed the tip of the iceberg here. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, but best to know now rather than continuing to sleep with the enemy.

[poorlittlefish]

If he's like that on Twitter then I'd be concerned that the same (or worse) was also going on with Facebook, Instagram etc.  It's completely inappropriate in a committed relationship and "boys will be boys" is irrelevant.  If you were doing that to him, could you excuse it with "girls will be girls"?  Of course not.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, SuzyQ425 said:

, we live together.  In MY house with his teen daughter. 

Give him adequate legal notice to get himself and his child out of your house.

He's taking advantage. Never be lonely or desperate enough to let someone like this disrespect you in your own home.

Talk to trusted friends and family. Do you have grown kids? Why is his daughter parked at your house? Where's the mother?

[SherrySher]

16 hours ago, SuzyQ425 said:

Need an opinion…recently discovered my boyfriend of 3 years has been making flirty comments and compliments with kissy faces to younger attractive women.  Is this a precursor to cheating or is it just “boys will be boys”?  He claimed he was on Twitter for the political debates, however the women he follows are nicknamed sassy chick, sassy tall blonde, Dustiedoll, Got it Like you Want it, AmericanBlonde, SouthernSass…and so on.  I confronted him, he claims it’s just school aged boy fun to look, but he is commenting too.  Is it harmless or do I need to worry?? I would love a guys opinion as well as women’s opinions as I feel they may differ. 

 

It's not so much the worry if he is going to cheat or not, it's the blatant disregard and disrespect he has for you currently.

Anyone that loves their partner and respects them, would not be sending flirty messages or comments to other women.

Please stop with the "boys will be boys". It's outdated and was an excuse for men to just behave badly.

Men know better! 

It's not harmless fun. He is not being loyal and is is basically tell the world that he's open to sexual chat despite having a partner.

It's very bad treatment and you really are lowering yourself accepting it.

I think anyone with any self respect would end a relationship like that.

He's behaving like a horny farm animal.

 

[SherrySher]

14 hours ago, SuzyQ425 said:

We are both in our mid 50’s and divorced, we both had lengthy previous marriages, mine ended because ex cheated.  I was carrying both our phones when the Twitter notification went off that sassy chick responded to his comment so of course I opened the app to see his initial comment. I confronted him about it, he apologized and said it only happened once.  Well, he lied because the next day I decided to check out his Twitter feed. I have a Twitter account,  I don’t follow him on Twitter but found him right away and there were many comments and kissy face and heart eyes emojis to several women going back 3 1/2 months.  I was so hurt.

He has apologized and asked for forgiveness and even deleted his Twitter account, but who’s to say he won’t open it back up again?  I told him I felt the flirty responses were online cheating.  

To make things even more complicated, we live together.  In MY house with his teen daughter. Breaking up would be difficult and I really don’t want that.  But I certainly don’t want to live with a man with wandering eyes either.  I told him he cheapened the value of our relationship.  I can be a forgiving person, but I don’t think I can forget this.

 

50?!? Omg...he darn well knows better!

If he is pulling this crap at 50, it's a lost cause. I mean that, sincerely.

This is who he is. He will behave badly with other women no matter how long you date, or even marry.

It's not going to stop.

He will just get more clever in hiding it from you. He will open accounts you can't find, or get a second phone.

Cheaters are very inventive on being able to still cheat and lie about it.

Is it cheating? Cheating does not have to be physical.

The moment your partner opens up to someone else and engages in romantic or sexual talk, it's considered cheating.

I mean, it's obvious, right? If you have a partner, you shouldn't be going elsewhere for any kind of romance or sex chats/comments.

You have huge reason to worry.

We have seen this kind of behavior on this forum many times from different posters.

It doesn't get better. He will only hide it better from you.

The best you can do is ask him and his daughter to find somewhere else to reside.

 

[Blue_Skirt]

A mid-50 year old man is behaving like this? How likely is it that he will change? Zero chance in my opinion.

I very much believe in “what you see is what you get”. Are you willing to put up with this for the next 30ish years?