Once in a life time

[Southwest]

 

19 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Thank you for being honest. Yes, that is the impression I had. You are not over your ex. 

Going on dates may make you feel better temporarily - in the moment. It seems to me like these situations ultimately make you feel worse, though:

1. When you go on dates with people in whom you are not interested
2. When a date or prospective date in whom you are interested does not reciprocate.

Why are you putting yourself in a position to feel worse, especially when you do #1? It seems like an irrational decision in that - you are actively doing something that ultimately makes you feel awful.

In regard to the boldface quoted text, no, you do not have to go on dates with people in whom you are not interested. You are choosing to do so - and when you do, you spiral. Why not resolve to not go on dates with people for the time being, so that you can grieve, work through your issues, and move on from the ex first? What you are choosing to do is not fair to you, nor your dates. 

Hope this helps.

I really don't have any options for dating the people I'm interested in. I know life isn't fair by any means. Taking myself out of the dating pool to try and work on myself, just to feel more lonely over time doesn't help. I've done this in the past and all its produce me being single for a long long time. This is then a compounded problem because women see it as a red flag when you been single that long, more people are coupled up and I'm more depressed. 

So in the end either I date the people I'm not interested or I don't date at all. At this point in my head if someone I'm interested actually shows interest all I can assume is they're using me to get something or to feel better about themselves.  

I feel that's what happened with my last relationship. Dating me gave my ex enough confidence to go after the guy she really wanted, and she got it. 

[LaHermes]

41 minutes ago, Southwest said:

It hurt a lot to talk to a professional and never seemed to help. 

Well, whether it is painful or not, you will have to go back to getting help.  Facing up to all manner of stuff (which is what a good professional will get you to do) is of course painful.

You are evidently very depressed. 

You are so unkind to yourself, OP.  Can I point out that until you are happy within yourself and love yourself, you will not move forward.  We must never look to another person (any person) to "make us feel wanted".  

Again, all the more reason why you must seek proper professional help, now!

"I'm just looking to feel wanted by someone and not feel like this piece garbage that has been tossed away and ignored by the other sex for a majority of his life. "

You remarked in another thread:

"if your not attractive they will not be drawn to you."

We can be our own worst critics OP.  So, define what "attractive" means to you. 

[Pleasedonot5]

SW,

Thank you for your reply.

I am posting to help, so please do not (hah) take this the wrong way. The "tragic story" you've set up for yourself - and your reasoning for turning down some of the solutions posters herein have offered - doesn't always make a whole lot of sense.

If you were seeing or depicting the situation as it is, I might be saying things like, "Yeah, you're right, that sucks, man. Best you can do is heal and move on..." But in my perspective, you are really going off the deep end with some of these negative thoughts - and so much so that it often defies reality. I've quoted and responded some of it below. 

Quote

...doesn't help. I've done this in the past 

I don't buy the whole "it didn't work last time so it won't work this time" logic. When a poster offers a solution, you identify one instance where something didn't go well and you use that anecdote as some sort of proof that a similar strategy will not work this time. You're essentially looking at a scatter plot with one point and extrapolating an entire trend line - I'm no mathematician but you can't justifiably do that.

You've done this specifically with regard to two matters on this thread: 

1.  Therapy. 

You mentioned in a previous thread and now this thread that you sought therapy and it made you feel worse, so you've concluded it will not work for you now. I explained in a previous thread that (1) all therapists are different, sometimes therapists suck, and you may have been to one therapist who didn't work for you, and (2) sometimes effective therapy is painful at first (indeed, I found a session right before my recent breakthrough to be difficult). 

Let me ask you again, SW, how many therapists have you seen - and how many sessions did you go to before backing out?

2.  Being Alone. 

You say you tried staying away from dating once for a year - and you didn't heal. So you've concluded that it doesn't work for you. Well, no. First, healing isn't always easy and there isn't a set time-period for it. I grieved an ex of mine for years before I was ready to date someone else. Maybe you need more time. Second, you probably weren't taking the right steps to heal, given your self-destructive tendencies (going on dates which you know will make you feel worse in the end) and obstinance (refusing nearly every solution offered based on faulty reasoning, stubbornness, or something else). You should (1) go to a new therapist who provides cognitive behavioral therapy, (2) refrain from dating - it just makes you compare them to your ex and then spiral at this point, (3) surround yourself with friends, (4) try to develop strategies like debunking and reframing negative thoughts, and (5) when you think of the ex, try writing down her flaws or the times you remember that the relationship with her wasn't ideal. (If you haven't done most of these things, you probably did not take the right steps to heal while staying away from dating).

So no, I do not believe it was staying away from the dating scene which caused your unhappiness. But even even if being alone did cause you unhappiness, clearly dating does too.

I'm wondering if you know these aren't valid justifications for turning down our suggestions, SW. Are you afraid to move on? Do you like being able to complain then turn down the suggestions of others? 

Quote

Taking myself out of the dating pool to try and work on myself, just to feel more lonely over time doesn't help. I've done this in the past and all its produce me being single for a long long time.

Frankly, Southwest, you shouldn't date at all right now. It is working against your healing. There are two primary problems with the way you are participating in the dating pool right now. 

• First, by going on dates with people you know you are not interested in, you are leading people on and you are wasting their time. That is immoral. It should make you feel bad.
• Second, when you go on dates with people you know you are not interested in, you make yourself spiral into comparisons with your ex and how she's doing. See, e.g., this thread. You go on these dates and then you post on here like "aww, they do not measure up to my ex." Well of course not, dummy. (Said lovingly). You knew they wouldn't measure up before you even decided to go on the date! 

People you know you are not interested in should not be an "option" for you.

Quote

This is then a compounded problem because women see it as a red flag when you been single that long, more people are coupled up and I'm more depressed. 

Regarding the "Red Flag"

Honestly man, you need to try to refute some of these silly negative thoughts better. The boldfaced part is a nonsense assumption. First, saying things like "Women do XYZ" is a faulty generalization: everyone is different. Second, my own experience says that is not true. I was single for almost 5 years before my last relationship and that did not stop me from starting a new relationship with someone.

Regarding More People Being Coupled Up.

Yes, more people will get together and marry as time goes on. I have this fear myself. Understand, though, that there are seven billion people on this planet there will always be someone out there for you. I do not know in what country you reside, but if you live in the U.S., I have good news. As of 2019, around a fifth of women in their thirties in forties were single. Slow down. You'll still have many opportunities as you age. There is no need to rush. 

Quote

I feel that's what happened with my last relationship. Dating me gave my ex enough confidence to go after the guy she really wanted, and she got it. 

Yeah, maybe. But I doubt it. Sometimes when a relationship falls apart we tell ourselves, "oh, they never really loved me" as a way to rationalize a confusing situation. It isn't usually accurate: the simpler explanation is probably that she fell out of love/interest with you and then eventually found someone else to date. 

[Southwest]

1 hour ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

SW,

Thank you for your reply.

I am posting to help, so please do not (hah) take this the wrong way. The "tragic story" you've set up for yourself - and your reasoning for turning down some of the solutions posters herein have offered - doesn't always make a whole lot of sense.

If you were seeing or depicting a situation as it was, I might be saying things like, "Yeah, you're right, that sucks, man. Best you can do is heal and move on..." But in my perspective, you are really going off the deep end with some of these negative thoughts - and so much so that it often defies reality. I've quoted and responded some of it below. 

I don't buy the whole "it didn't work last time so it won't work this time" logic. When a poster offers a solution, you identify one instance where something didn't go well and you use that anecdote as some sort of proof that a similar strategy will not work this time. You're essentially looking at a scatter plot with one point and extrapolating an entire trend line - I'm no mathematician but you can't justifiably do that.

You've done this specifically with regard to two matters on this thread: 

1.  Therapy. 

You mentioned in a previous thread and now this thread that you sought therapy and it made you feel worse, so you've concluded it will not work for you now. I explained in a previous thread that (1) all therapists are different, sometimes therapists suck, and you may have been to one therapist who didn't work for you, and (2) sometimes effective therapy is painful at first (indeed, I found a session right before my recent breakthrough to be difficult). 

Let me ask you again, SW, how many therapists have you seen - and how many sessions did you go to before backing out?

2.  Being Alone. 

You say you tried staying away from dating once for a year - and you didn't heal. So you've concluded that it doesn't work for you. Well, no. First, healing isn't always easy and there isn't a set time-period for it. I grieved an ex of mine for years before I was ready to date someone else. Maybe you need more time. Second, you probably weren't taking the right steps to heal, given your self-destructive tendencies (going on dates which you know will make you feel worse in the end) and obstinance (refusing nearly every solution offered based on faulty reasoning, stubbornness, or something else). You should (1) go to a new therapist who provides cognitive behavioral therapy, (2) refrain from dating - it just makes you compare them to your ex and then spiral at this point, (3) surround yourself with friends, (4) try to develop strategies like debunking and reframing negative thoughts, and (5) when you think of the ex, try writing down her flaws or the times you remember that the relationship with her wasn't ideal. (If you haven't done most of these things, you probably did not take the right steps to heal while staying away from dating).

So no, I do not believe it was staying away from the dating scene which caused your unhappiness. But even even if being alone did cause you unhappiness, clearly dating does too.

I'm wondering if you know these aren't valid justifications for turning down our suggestions, SW. Are you afraid to move on? Do you like being able to complain then turn down the suggestions of others? 

Frankly, Southwest, you shouldn't date at all right now. It is working against your healing. There are two primary problems with the way you are participating in the dating pool right now. 

• First, by going on dates with people you know you are not interested in, you are leading people on and you are wasting their time. That is immoral. It should make you feel bad.
• Second, when you go on dates with people you know you are not interested in, you make yourself spiral into comparisons with your ex and how she's doing. See, e.g., this thread. You go on these dates and then you post on here like "aww, they do not measure up to my ex." Well of course not, dummy. (Said lovingly). You knew they wouldn't measure up before you even decided to go on the date! 

People you know you are not interested in should not be an "option" for you.

Regarding the "Red Flag"

Honestly man, you need to try to refute some of these silly negative thoughts better. The boldfaced part is a nonsense assumption. First, saying things like "Women do XYZ" is a faulty generalization: everyone is different. Second, my own experience says that is not true. I was single for almost 5 years before my last relationship and that did not stop me from starting a new relationship with someone.

Regarding More People Being Coupled Up.

Yes, more people will get together and marry as time goes on. I have this fear myself. Understand, though, that there are seven billion people on this planet there will always be someone out there for you. I do not know in what country you reside, but if you live in the U.S., I have good news. As of 2019, around a fifth of women in their thirties in forties were single. Slow down. You'll still have many opportunities as you age. There is no need to rush. 

Yeah, maybe. But I doubt it. Sometimes when a relationship falls apart we tell ourselves, "oh, they never really loved me" as a way to rationalize a confusing situation. It isn't usually accurate: the simpler explanation is probably that she fell out of love/interest with you and then eventually found someone else to date. 

At this point I know nothing I say matters in the end. I've been to two different therapists so far. One I was only able go see for 2 visits so it really wasn't any kind of help. The second one I saw for over 8 months. Each meeting I felt hollow and drained after each time. I kept going because I was telling myself that it will help....everyone says therapy will help . It didn't the only thing that helped was meeting my ex. Yes I still had things I needed to work on, but in that moment I felt normal. I didn't feel like the guy that had been single for a majority of his adult life. On top of that I was with an amazing person and we clicked on many levels, was it perfect no but we loved each other and she was joking about marriage after 2 months. This scared me really because I knew I moved slower emotionally. Apparently she moved very quickly in and out of love with me. I really do feel burned by this, having some leave you after you say I love you just killed me and then to find out she left me for someone else made it even worse. They are happily celebrating more then a year together. I liltery beg her at one point when we were together to just go slow so we could build something great together.  Well she did it with someone else and she got everything she wanted in a person. It is very very unlikely I will find the same.

From the article you posted that 1/5 of people that are single are usually single for a reason.... no one wants them.... yeah thier are some outliers. I missed the boat and my ex was pretty much my last chance. But oh well like everyone says life isn't fair. 

I did do alot of the things you said, I stayed close to friends and family, I worte down the things I didn't like. I tried therapy again for a few visits and felt myself getting lower each time so I stopped again. I didn't date for a period of 6 months. All of this just brought back the memories of what I lost. 

Idk If I'm doing this just to argue or what. I'm at lose really. I feel like I should have tried so much harder in this relationship, I'm bitter because they didn't try as hard and they were rewarded for it with a good relationship. I know I shouldn't compare but I do. 

I feel in the end I will have to settle for someone I don't really want. As a below average looking man I just really don't have a choice. I'm not sure how to reframe that into a positive light.  No therapists or drug is going change my reality, yes they can help me cope with it better, but that's not what I want. I want a different reality I don't want to be this person iam. I hate it I hate being ugly and being scared,  i hate having a cautious attitude and lacking confidence. All of this has just killed my potential dating life. As I've told my parents geting overweight and being unconfident in my teens basically ended my life then and there. I'm just realizing now 15+ years later that I died back then and I'm in some weird purgatory I feel. (This is not suicidal thoughts I'm just speaking metaphorically.)

I'm tired of my dating life going no where and I'm embarrassed that I liltery have almost no experience with relationship at 32. I feel my lack of experience help kill this one and this was the person I really could have seen spending my life with. Hell I even had a dream the night before we broke up we would be together forever. I guess I was see and this other person in that dream. 

Again I'm not trying to shoot down anyone's help, but you have to understand I have tried. Yes I could try harder but for what some medicore results that in the end I'm still alone and only able to attract people I don't want. Just having to do what my narstucstic drag addict father always told me just "grin and bear it" 

In the end every night I beg for something I can never have again and that's to be with my ex. I can't even be mad at her for emotionally cheating on me and possibly physically cheating on me. 

 

[Pleasedonot5]

Thanks for the reply, Southwest. I don't mind you pushing back if it helps, btw. So no worries there. 

Quote

I've been to two different therapists so far. One I was only able go see for 2 visits so it really wasn't any kind of help. The second one I saw for over 8 months. Each meeting I felt hollow and drained after each time. I kept going because I was telling myself that it will help....everyone says therapy will help . It didn't 

Thank you for clarifying.

I've used my former university's mostly free counseling service, so I've been cycled in and out of different therapists. I've probably been to like 8-10 different therapists. 

The first two therapists were also non-starters. The first one I went to was like handing out directives - I didn't think that was helpful. The second one was very transaction-oriented. Like "tell me how that makes you feel," and "looks like our time is up." Very dry. I stopped going after a few sessions. Several were good, some for different reasons. One therapist-in-training taught me about the idée fixe and kept telling me that I wanted to be a "good, faithful partner" to someone. It actually helped me reframe the issue so much better.  Another therapist got me to not feel so guilty about communicating about sex with my partners - and not feeling like proverbial d-bag for doing so. Others helped me with other matters - or were good for airing my thoughts. 

My most recent therapist (who - once she gets her Ph.D. and opens a practice soon - I will be seeing her again) thoughtfully engaged me, helped me to open up to others about not wanting to have kids, and helped me build the confidence to end my most recent relationship. She was a star.

All I'm saying is that I've been to many therapists and therapists-in-training - two were bad, many were helpful, and a few were excellent. You've been to your first two and they were bad, but that doesn't mean any additional therapy you seek won't be helpful and/or excellent. 

Quote

Apparently she moved very quickly in and out of love with me. I really do feel burned by this, having some leave you after you say I love you just killed me and then to find out she left me for someone else made it even worse. They are happily celebrating more then a year together. 

Yes, I'm sorry. I know how that feels. It sucks. 

Quote

From the article you posted that [1] 1/5 of people that are single are usually single for a reason.... no one wants them.... yeah [there] are some outliers. [2] I missed the boat and my ex was pretty much my last chance. But oh well like everyone says life isn't fair. 

(1) Everyone is single for a set of reasons (e.g., I'm single because I just left a relationship). A lot of those reasons are innocuous - some are single because they have hang-ups. There are people with hang-ups that you would tolerate or accept. Many of those people would also be open to a relationship with you in the right circumstances. 

(2) We all think that way when we are grieving a lost love. It usually isn't true.

Quote

I feel in the end I will have to settle for someone I don't really want. As a below average looking man I just really don't have a choice. I'm not sure how to reframe that into a positive light. (...)  I want a different reality I don't want to be this person iam. I hate it I hate being ugly and being scared,  i hate having a cautious attitude and lacking confidence. All of this has just killed my potential dating life. As I've told my parents geting overweight and being unconfident in my teens basically ended my life then and there. I'm just realizing now 15+ years later that I died back then and I'm in some weird purgatory I feel. (This is not suicidal thoughts I'm just speaking metaphorically.)

Okay, so let's get practical, if you don't mind. I'm not going to tell you that you do not have flaws or that you do not have things to work on. It really sounds like you do. 

Settling.

No. You make yourself miserable with the thought of settling. Just resolve not to settle. Make a conscious choice that you will keep your options open for as long as you live. If somehow you do not find anyone good enough for you/who captures your interest - at least you tried your best.

Self-Image

~controversial~ advice alert

1. Regarding appearance, I don't mean to sound tacky, but you'd be surprised. Just browsing my socials I've seen many gorgeous people end up with others who aren't Ryan Reynolds, to say the least. It's not all about looks - humor, charisma, confidence, and etc. are all important in determining whether a potential date will find you generally attractive. 
2. While looks are not of paramount importance (see 1), I won't lie to you and say they will not help with dating and / or your own self-perception. You mentioned you feel you are not attractive. There are some things you can control about your appearance. What specifically do you not like about your appearance and what actions can you take to make yourself feel and look better, in your opinion?

Concluded

You are clearly not enjoying the manner in which you are living life right now. You don't like yourself. Either you need to change the opinion of yourself somehow (e.g., it might very well be a diagnosable problem like depression for which you might need meds - see your GP), or work on improving yourself, or both. 

Quote

I'm tired of my dating life going no where and I'm embarrassed that I liltery have almost no experience with relationship at 32. I feel my lack of experience help kill this one and this was the person I really could have seen spending my life with. Hell I even had a dream the night before we broke up we would be together forever. I guess I was see and this other person in that dream. 

There is no need to be embarrassed. You've had dating experience, SW. And your moderate or mild level of dating experience would not stop the right person from dating you. 

Dreams are often nonsensical, but sometimes they reflect our inner desires or anxieties. There is no universe-driven meaning behind dreams that goes further than that. You are ascribing additional meaning to the dream - when it was at most representation of something you wanted or were anxious about. 

Quote

Again I'm not trying to shoot down anyone's help, but you have to understand I have tried. Yes I could try harder but for what some [mediocre] results that in the end I'm still alone and only able to attract people I don't want. 

In the end every night I beg for something I can never have again and that's to be with my ex. I can't even be mad at her for emotionally cheating on me and possibly physically cheating on me. 

I understand you tried. But I contend you should try again - something similar or something else. You cannot predict that the results of any possible future effort will be futile or mediocre at best. 

If you are not willing to do any of this for yourself, if want your ex back so bad, and if you're convinced that no one will ever compare, then at least try to become someone she'd want to date. You won't ever have the chance - even if she ends it with her current boyfriend - if you don't take steps to heal and work on yourself.  

--

Hope this helps.

[LaHermes]

2 hours ago, Southwest said:

I don't want to be this person iam. I hate it I hate being ugly and being scared,  i hate having a cautious attitude and lacking confidence. All of this has just killed my potential dating life. As I've told my parents geting overweight and being unconfident in my teens basically ended my life then and there. I'm just realizing now 15+ years later that I died back then

 

2 hours ago, Southwest said:

As a below average looking man I just really don't have a choice.

SW.  The human race would have died out long ago if the average looking men (or what you call average) never met anyone.  There you go again, flagellating yourself and telling yourself you are ugly.  The number of what might be termed average looking guys I see every day with rather nice not to say fine-looking women seems quite the norm. 

Appearance: if that is truly your issue then you know much can done to improve on what one has got.  Don't you think? Starting with a healthier mind-set.  And then working on the physique or physical attributes which YOU feel could be improved upon.  

Many many teens get overweight and are not that confident. Doesn't mean they don't go on into adulthood, lose the weight and gain confidence.   I fear you are seriously dramatizing that period of your life (teens). You did NOT die back then.

You are in a bad place in your mind, SW.  For your OWN sake please take those steps to heal and work on yourself. 

And to conclude I will just quote PDN:

3 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

I'm wondering if you know these aren't valid justifications for turning down our suggestions, SW. Are you afraid to move on? Do you like being able to complain then turn down the suggestions of others? 

 

 

[Lambert]

I have been thinking about this term... once in a lifetime. 

It's funny because much like the Christmas holidays, we as a collective society put so much stock in these overly romanticized themes. Same with "the one".  It does make us quite all mad with disappointment on a regular basis. 

So back to a one in a lifetime.  What does this actually mean? 

Is it looks?

status? 

materialism?

the perception someone like them provides to others, that says something about you, that you like? 

When I think about once in a lifetime person, here are some things I think about:

How they treat me.

How they act behind my back. 

How they accept and try to understand me. 

How willing they are to work on our relationship or how important the relationship and by extension I am to them. And what those actions look like (arguing and compromising in a fair and productive way to achieve our mutual goals) 

Those are the things to be proud of in a partner.  And would make me think, "wow! this is a once in a life time person"

And can't imagine this person would leave me for someone else.  So that fact in itself disqualifies them as such. 

[Capricorn3]

4 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

 I'm wondering if you know these aren't valid justifications for turning down our suggestions, SW. Are you afraid to move on? Do you like being able to complain then turn down the suggestions of others? 

That has been my strong impression too.  PDN I think you nailed it here.  So many many good suggestions and good constructive advice has been given and every single thing has been turned down with excuse after excuse. 

OP, it is (and will be) impossible to help you when you are not open to getting help - either here on the internet or professional help.  The ball is in your court but you don't want to play and with that the game is over.  Now it's just a case of going around in circles.

[Southwest]

3 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

That has been my strong impression too.  PDN I think you nailed it here.  So many many good suggestions and good constructive advice has been given and every single thing has been turned down with excuse after excuse. 

OP, it is (and will be) impossible to help you when you are not open to getting help - either here on the internet or professional help.  The ball is in your court but you don't want to play and with that the game is over.  Now it's just a case of going around in circles.

Yeah I guess that's where I'm at.