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Once in a life time


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I'm really struggling with the idea that my ex girlfriend was a once in a life time kind of person to date. I've posted about this before and I'm just stuck. It's been a while now and I'm still not dating anyone remotely close to her. I just don't find these people interesting at all. I try not to compare people but when you get done with a date and there is no connection it just makes me think back on what I had and what I lost. I just feel like I now have to settle big time and I feel that isn't fair to the person I'm dating.

How do I get over this regret, how do I get over the bitterness of her leaving for someone better? How do I get over the bitterness of watching her move in and have a relationship with this person all while I've been struggling? I'll never find someone like her again. 

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There was some good advice in your previous thread. Are you still communicating with one another? 

I struggled with my own idea of what I thought I had and lost but ultimately couldn't reconcile with the person before me. It had to be over and I wanted nothing more than to move on and to never associate with this person again as I did believe I could do better. Otherwise I'd certainly do better on my own without anyone at all. Either way, the future was much brighter without this person. 

I can't speak for anyone else but maybe thinking back on the relationship will give you more cues as to how to move forward. You don't have to have all the answers at once. Breaking away from a disrespectful or unnecessary friendship with an ex might clear your mind and be the first step forwards, thinking or living independently without that overhanging shadow of the past.

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28 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

There was some good advice in your previous thread. Are you still communicating with one another? 

I struggled with my own idea of what I thought I had and lost but ultimately couldn't reconcile with the person before me. It had to be over and I wanted nothing more than to move on and to never associate with this person again as I did believe I could do better. Otherwise I'd certainly do better on my own without anyone at all. Either way, the future was much brighter without this person. 

I can't speak for anyone else but maybe thinking back on the relationship will give you more cues as to how to move forward. You don't have to have all the answers at once. Breaking away from a disrespectful or unnecessary friendship with an ex might clear your mind and be the first step forwards, thinking or living independently without that overhanging shadow of the past.

No the communication is very limited. Idk want to do.

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2 hours ago, Southwest said:

I'm still not dating anyone remotely close to her. I just don't find these people interesting at all. I try not to compare people but when you get done with a date and there is no connection it just makes me think back on what I had and what I lost. I just feel like I now have to settle big time and I feel that isn't fair to the person I'm dating.

Why are you dating at all?  Because you are lonely?

Give it up for a while.. get back to being 'yourself'.  I don't know why you can't accept being single for a good while and working on getting over your last relationship...

2 hours ago, Southwest said:

How do I get over this regret, how do I get over the bitterness of her leaving for someone better? How do I get over the bitterness of watching her move in and have a relationship with this person all while I've been struggling? I'll never find someone like her again. 

It is called 'working through it' - which takes time. We don't heal (when emotionally hurt) in a month.. or 6.

You'd be especially struggling if you  are too aware of all she is doing.. is someone feeding you info on her?  Are you following her ?

It is called grieving.  And it takes time.  You go through the many stages of grief for a while, until you feel you accept what is.  And your emotion's aren't in a whirlwind.. then, you start to feel less pains.

 

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

There was some good advice in your previous thread.

^ I agree.  OP, after 155 replies I am not too sure how anyone can help anymore, and not much more anyone can add to what has already been advised or recommended, other than if you are still struggling with this to such an extent then maybe it's time to look into therapy to help you work through this.

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7 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

^ I agree.  OP, after 155 replies I am not too sure how anyone can help anymore, and not much more anyone can add to what has already been advised or recommended, other than if you are still struggling with this to such an extent then maybe it's time to look into therapy to help you work through this.

Yes I know. 

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7 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Why are you dating at all?  Because you are lonely?

Give it up for a while.. get back to being 'yourself'.  I don't know why you can't accept being single for a good while and working on getting over your last relationship...

It is called 'working through it' - which takes time. We don't heal (when emotionally hurt) in a month.. or 6.

You'd be especially struggling if you  are too aware of all she is doing.. is someone feeding you info on her?  Are you following her ?

It is called grieving.  And it takes time.  You go through the many stages of grief for a while, until you feel you accept what is.  And your emotion's aren't in a whirlwind.. then, you start to feel less pains.

 

It's been close to a year and a half. It feels like it hasn't gotten any better since day one.  

Getting back to myself or my normal is basically getting back to a lonely individual that can't get a date and that has been single a majority of his adult life. That's what I have to look forward to thats what my life was like before I met her.

I don't follow her, however we are still part of some mutual groups and things pop up from time to time and it hits me. 

I don't understand why I deserve this, I don't understand why I needed to go through this.

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Southwest, 

I am sorry you are still dealing with this pain.

You sound a lot like past me in a few key ways. In late 2015 I broke up with a woman, call her E, and eventually came to regret the decision. For years, E appeared in my dreams and subconscious as an ideal which I could not achieve - or closure I could not get. I feared settling and felt it was inevitable. That sort of idée fixe brought hardship to future relationships.

A previous therapist, performing cognitive behavioral therapy, called what I was doing an idée fixe, which is a fixated idea or fixation. I was bolstering this idea of her in my mind as some sort of ideal.

I do not remember all of the details of my therapy sessions with the therapist, but I realized the way I was framing her in my mind was fallacious. There were many things wrong with the relationship. First, E almost never had any problems - or she wasn't communicating them to me. She flirted with a guy in front of me once. She once overreacted to positive communication. After the break-up, she was vindictive and power-hungry. She slept with a friend/professional associate. She was cold and never acknowledged my one or two letters. I've had better sex since. I've had excellent chemistry with others and have done things like ballroom dance with others, which we never did. Etc. 

I've forgiven her for various faults or mistakes - and some of it is not as bad as I used to think it was. I still think I left the relationship too quick - but I have realized that there is no need to put her on some sort of pedestal. The relationship dynamic is what I really liked - but one can find a comparable or just as good relationship dynamic again. If I can get there - and I am fairly confident I will get there someday - then I'm sure you can too.  

Last note re: fear of settling. Just resolve not to settle, and then you will never have to settle. There is no need to fear what you know you will not do.

Hope this helps.

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2 hours ago, Southwest said:

I don't understand why I deserve this, I don't understand why I needed to go through this.

None of us 'deserve' it... BUT we will all go through it, if we go there.. take that chance in getting involved.

So often, yes, our emotions get in there, of course.

Did I like being led on.. lied to..pushed away (3 x's) through my last 20 yrs?  NO.  But, it happened, because I chose to get involved, again.

Right now, I have taken the last 2 yrs on my own and am still not interested at all in getting involved again.. ( mentally & emotionally exhausted- is how my therapist worded it, she's right!) .  In this case, I know I can't do it.  And I know I need 'my time' to deal with what's happened in my life.

I am fine with being on my own now...

You might want to also seek some prof help- as it sounds you are quite low 😞 .

 

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The whole one in a lifetime thing is a label your assigning. 

Stay single until you like yourself enough to give yourself that label. 

That might seem unattainable right now but part of healing from a big disappointment is sitting with it long enough that you realize, wait a minute.  I need to give myself a little kick in the but....  the entire world is out there. it's not going to come to you. 

Instead of dwelling on who you were before you met her and how unhappy you were. How about you got one girl, you can get another.

Stop feeding your negative attitude. get into therapy,  read some books,  start a new hobby, go buy some new shoes, clean your room, change the sheets, empty out your closet & donate a bunch of stuff that's collecting dust.

Just get on to a new song, this one is not serving you.

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I still remember the first guy that I didn't compare to my former boyfriend (who died very suddenly several years ago of a heart attack while he was on his way to see me).  For a good couple of years I wouldn't get involved with anyone because I was too busy looking for HIM and comparing everyone to HIM and of course they always came up short.  If someone didn't phrase a sentence exactly the way he would have, then they weren't good enough.  And then one day a guy appeared at my job late on a Friday afternoon, we talked over the course of several weeks/months, and I started crushing on him.  He's still there (I saw him earlier today in fact) and I never told him anything, and we never went out or became a couple, but he was the first guy that I didn't compare to my former BF.  That's how I knew I was potentially ready to date again.

Try not to look at the break up as "something you didn't deserve."  I didn't deserve my beautiful daughter to be murdered one afternoon in cold blood, in public and in broad daylight, but it happened.  It wasn't a punishment that I "deserved", it was a very unfortunate life experience and our job when dealing with unfortunate life experiences is to process it (however long it takes) and move on.*  We are not promised an easy or a "fair" life and I daresay all of us have gone through a break-up that we didn't "deserve" but the further you get into adulthood the more you'll see that life ain't all sunshine and roses.  As my grandma used to say, you play the hand you're dealt and hopefully do it in a way that you'll be proud of later.

 

* "move on" doesn't mean forget, by the way.  In my case it has meant to take that experience and incorporate it into your current life, without destroying your current life.

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5 minutes ago, waffle said:

We are not promised an easy or a "fair" life and I daresay all of us have gone through a break-up that we didn't "deserve" but the further you get into adulthood the more you'll see that life ain't all sunshine and roses.  As my grandma used to say, you play the hand you're dealt and hopefully do it in a way that you'll be proud of later.

And isn't that just the truth, Waffle.

 

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8 hours ago, Southwest said:

Yes I know. 

So what are you doing about it? Sitting at home agonizing about the past is not doing you any good (as you can clearly see by all your posts about it).  All it does is make you miserable and depressed and just sucks the life out of you.  When you get to that point you need help, and you say "you know", but you do nothing about it.  Why is that? What's stopping you?

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3 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

So what are you doing about it? Sitting at home agonizing about the past is not doing you any good (as you can clearly see by all your posts about it).  All it does is make you miserable and depressed and just sucks the life out of you.  When you get to that point you need help, and you say "you know", but you do nothing about it.  Why is that? What's stopping you?

I don't know why i don't. I guess in my mind I'm defeated and really don't see anything good coming out of it. I'm not saying that's what would happen, but in my head I just don't see it helping. 

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You need to take your ex off the pedestal.  The break up happened because you were not right for each other.  Just because she found another guy that doesn't change the fact that you were not right for each other.  If she was right for you, you wouldn't have broken up.  You are just idealising her because you can't have her.  She was NOT the ONE for you, hence you two broke up.

 

You need to stop telling yourself all these lies.  If she was that perfect for you, the break up wouldn't have happened.  Plus, you need to stop comparing women you are in a first date with to the full-blown relationship you had with your ex.  That relationship did not happen overnight, it took time to build. Plus, you are only comparing the good times. Comparing a stranger to an idealised version (i.e. only the good parts) of your ex is plain stupid and unrealistic.  Plus, you are shooting yourself in the foot in the process.  It's no wonder that nobody can match up. You need to stop all this self-sabotage.

You don't need to find someone like her again and you shouldn't.  You were not a great fit, hence the break up.  You need to find someone who is DIFFERENT than your ex in the aspects that led to the break down of your relationship.  You don't need to settle.  You do need to take her off the pedestal and take the time to reflect on the aspects that didn't work and need to be done differently by you in your next relationship.  

 

Finally, you need to block her news from reaching you on social media. It CAN be done.  If you don't want to delete common friends, you can unfollow them until you move on. And it goes without saying that you need to block your ex. Social media are TOXIC for your state of mind while you're still hung up on her. It's a major contributor to keeping you stuck.  If needed, take a break from social media altogether. Good luck.

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13 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

A previous therapist, performing cognitive behavioral therapy, called what I was doing an idée fixe, which is a fixated idea or fixation. I was bolstering this idea of her in my mind as some sort of ideal.

Yep. OP, you're fixated, alright. And you won't budge.

You believe that you "can't" move beyond her, but that's because you don't want to.

Change the word "can't" to 'won't" for accuracy, and when you're ready, you'll make a better choice.

Until then, everything you're putting yourself through and assigning to yourself WILL remain a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Nobody can come along and change your life. You are the one in control of the ideas you feed yourself. and so you are the only one with the power to change those.

Along with changing ideas and beliefs comes new outcomes.

If you want a better outcome, you'll do whatever it takes to change your position.

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On 7/1/2021 at 12:32 AM, Southwest said:

How do I get over this regret, how do I get over the bitterness How do I get over the bitterness of watching her move in 

You go to a physician and discuss your inertia, ruminating, anger and all the other symptoms of untreated depression.

Then you get a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

You're making this about a long ago breakup, but it's about you.

As long as you keep blaming someone for your bad mental health rather than getting evaluated and treated, you'll just keep yourself in this self created prison.

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

You go to a physician and discuss your inertia, ruminating, anger and all the other symptoms of untreated depression.

Then you get a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

You're making this about a long ago breakup, but it's about you.

As long as you keep blaming someone for your bad mental health rather than getting evaluated and treated, you'll just keep yourself in this self created prison.

This entire post covers it all.  Totally nailed it. OP, a lot of your current situation is all of your own making and choice. The power is in your hands to change your mind set, but sadly it seems you choose to stay with this "woe is me" attitude.

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4 hours ago, Clio said:

You need to take your ex off the pedestal.  The break up happened because you were not right for each other.  Just because she found another guy that doesn't change the fact that you were not right for each other.  If she was right for you, you wouldn't have broken up.  You are just idealising her because you can't have her.  She was NOT the ONE for you, hence you two broke up.

 

You need to stop telling yourself all these lies.  If she was that perfect for you, the break up wouldn't have happened.  Plus, you need to stop comparing women you are in a first date with to the full-blown relationship you had with your ex.  That relationship did not happen overnight, it took time to build. Plus, you are only comparing the good times. Comparing a stranger to an idealised version (i.e. only the good parts) of your ex is plain stupid and unrealistic.  Plus, you are shooting yourself in the foot in the process.  It's no wonder that nobody can match up. You need to stop all this self-sabotage.

You don't need to find someone like her again and you shouldn't.  You were not a great fit, hence the break up.  You need to find someone who is DIFFERENT than your ex in the aspects that led to the break down of your relationship.  You don't need to settle.  You do need to take her off the pedestal and take the time to reflect on the aspects that didn't work and need to be done differently by you in your next relationship.  

 

Finally, you need to block her news from reaching you on social media. It CAN be done.  If you don't want to delete common friends, you can unfollow them until you move on. And it goes without saying that you need to block your ex. Social media are TOXIC for your state of mind while you're still hung up on her. It's a major contributor to keeping you stuck.  If needed, take a break from social media altogether. Good luck.

I appreciate all the info and advice you have given.  Unfortunately I just don't see that happening date after has shown me no interest at all. They all liltery run for the exit after the date. I'm not some complete downer on these dates either. 

I understand the different part, but I struggle with if because these are the people I'm attracted to and interested in them. So I'll have to date people I have no interest....this sounds like recipe for disaster. 

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34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You go to a physician and discuss your inertia, ruminating, anger and all the other symptoms of untreated depression.

Then you get a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

You're making this about a long ago breakup, but it's about you.

As long as you keep blaming someone for your bad mental health rather than getting evaluated and treated, you'll just keep yourself in this self created prison.

I understand this and I'm working on that. I'm not blaming my bad attitude on anyone I'm blaming it on my situation 

 

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33 minutes ago, Southwest said:

I appreciate all the info and advice you have given.  Unfortunately I just don't see that happening date after has shown me no interest at all. They all liltery run for the exit after the date. I'm not some complete downer on these dates either. 

I understand the different part, but I struggle with if because these are the people I'm attracted to and interested in them. So I'll have to date people I have no interest....this sounds like recipe for disaster. 

Well, Southwest, wouldn't you agree that you're not really over your ex? That there's some unresolved set of feelings somewhere? Don't you think you won't be at your best if you're not over your ex? Not being "some complete downer" doesn't mean you're at your best... I'm wondering if the dates sense that, or if at least your chances of clicking with someone are lower because you aren't ok at the moment. 

SW, should you really be going on dates at the moment? Honest third party opinion, you probably need to take care of numero uno first, my man.

--

And last, again - you would have to make a conscious choice to settle for someone sub-par and you've already told us you don't want to do that... There is no need for you to date people in whom you have no interest.

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7 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Well, Southwest, wouldn't you agree that you're not really over your ex? That there's some unresolved set of feelings somewhere? Don't you think you won't be at your best if you're not over your ex? Not being "some complete downer" doesn't mean you're at your best... I'm wondering if the dates sense that, or if at least your chances of clicking with someone are lower because you aren't ok at the moment. 

SW, should you really be going on dates at the moment? Honest third party opinion, you probably need to take care of numero uno first, my man.

--

And last, again - you would have to make a conscious choice to settle for someone sub-par and you've already told us you don't want to do that... There is no need for you to date people in whom you have no interest.

Yes I am no where near over my ex. That's why I said things like "once in a lifetime person" I can't over her. 

I know I shouldn't date but it's one of the few things that gets my mind off my previous relationship. My hobbies don't help I just end up getting stuck in a loop thinking about her. In reality I've lost alot of interest in my hobbies this past year. I've tried new ones and I just can't focus and I don't enjoy them. They just feel like a job to pass the time. 

I do have to date these people I'm not interest because they are the only ones interested in me unfortunately.  This just adds to the depression that these people are my only option.  

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7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How are you "working on that"? 

Months and years without an appropriate evaluation of mental health?

I guess I'm not, I don't really want to go back down that route. It hurt alot to talk to a professional and never seemed to help. 

What did help in the past was meeting someone and dating them so I felt normal for once in my life. I'm not looking for them to make me happy I'm just looking to feel wanted by someone and not feel like this piece garbage that has been tossed away and ignored by the other sex for a majority of his life. 

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7 minutes ago, Southwest said:

Yes I am no where near over my ex. That's why I said things like "once in a lifetime person" I can't over her. 

I know I shouldn't date but it's one of the few things that gets my mind off my previous relationship. My hobbies don't help I just end up getting stuck in a loop thinking about her. In reality I've lost [a] lot of interest in my hobbies this past year. I've tried new ones and I just can't focus and I don't enjoy them. They just feel like a job to pass the time. 

I do have to date these people I'm not interest[ed in] because they are the only ones interested in me unfortunately.  This just adds to the depression that these people are my only option.  

Thank you for being honest. Yes, that is the impression I had. You are not over your ex. 

Going on dates may make you feel better temporarily - in the moment. It seems to me like these situations ultimately make you feel worse, though:

  1. When you go on dates with people in whom you are not interested
  2. When a date or prospective date in whom you are interested does not reciprocate.

Why are you putting yourself in a position to feel worse, especially when you do #1? It seems like an irrational decision in that - you are actively doing something that ultimately makes you feel awful.

In regard to the boldface quoted text, no, you do not have to go on dates with people in whom you are not interested. You are choosing to do so - and when you do, you spiral. Why not resolve to not go on dates with people for the time being, so that you can grieve, work through your issues, and move on from the ex first? What you are choosing to do is not fair to you, nor your dates. 

Hope this helps.

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