Not feeling wanted

[Thatturtlehurdle2]

So I’ve been going through stuff. Broke a finger and arm and have to be as still as possible. Don’t have work so I’m home alone at my mom’s which means all the thoughts and insecurities are crossing my mind constantly. I am in a 7 year relationship with my high school sweetheart. She’s dead gorgeous shines and brings happiness to everyone around her. She’s working aswell. The thing is I haven’t been feeling desired by her like I used to. ‘Sex’ (she has vaginismus) is rare (once a week) (didn’t used to be like this) doesn’t express feelings, if I dont pull her in for kisses or hugs or cuddles she doesn’t take the initiative. We ve talked about it but it keeps happening… in serious need of opinions on how I can go through this. I love her with all my heart and I’m pretty confident she does too. But maybe the vaginismus is what’s causing this? She keeps avoiding the problem even tho I’ve told her i would go to all the appointments if she scheduled them. She takes care of me on her days off and is usually grateful towards everything I do. 

[smackie9]

Help her find a good female doctor. She doesn't have to keep suffering, there is treatment available.

[Thatturtlehurdle2]

19 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Help her find a good female doctor. She doesn't have to keep suffering, there is treatment available.

I am very patient when it comes to this and im here to help her. (Im a virgin btw needless to say she also is) thing is I don’t think she wants to talk to someone about this (since she told her best friend and mom and they laughed at her and undermined the situation) . She’s promised me she would schedule an appointment but hasn’t done it. I don’t know if it’s because of work and the fact that she’s taking her driver license maybe causing the lack of interest on trying to solve it or if she’s ashamed…

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey, OP, sorry you are dealing with this.

I've been there before. Recently, actually. I just left a relationship a few months ago where one of the problems was that my ex-partner would listen to a concern, say she'll work on it, and then do no such thing (or do it once then forget about it there on out). The partner's actions and promises say one thing, but her actions say another. After a while, you just have to start taking the person's actions at face value.

How long has it been since she's promised an appointment for her condition? How long has it been since you've asked her about initiating affection? How many times have you communicated to her about these things?

Hope this helps.

[Rose Mosse]

I'm not sure how old you both are - early twenties or late teens? I'm going by the driving test. Seven years is a long time for that age and it's unfortunate that her own mother and sister discouraged her from exploring options with a doctor or seeking medical advice. Women are supposed to encourage and support each other not the opposite, especially where it concerns awareness and sexual health, especially this young.

Let her know how much it would mean to you if she does speak to a doctor. Barring that, I don't think there's anything you can do. She has to develop her own courage and desire to want to seek answers for herself and better herself. You cannot superimpose yourself into her brain and start dictating what she should do. At worst, you will come across as the controlling bf. At the very least, you'll be a nag.

Sticking around with someone who refuses to find help for themselves is a bit like trying to fix someone with self-esteem issues. Relationships just don't work well that way. You'll always be pulling teeth, wondering if you're the bad guy, while the other person grows more distant from you. Ultimately you have to decide whether she's someone you can date given her lack of interest or desire to find answers for herself. 

[MissCanuck]

Has she actually been diagnosed with this condition, OP?

[Thatturtlehurdle2]

5 hours ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Hey, OP, sorry you are dealing with this.

I've been there before. Recently, actually. I just left a relationship a few months ago where one of the problems was that my ex-partner would listen to a concern, say she'll work on it, and then do no such thing (or do it once then forget about it there on out). The partner's actions and promises say one thing, but her actions say another. After a while, you just have to start taking the person's actions at face value.

How long has it been since she's promised an appointment for her condition? How long has it been since you've asked her about initiating affection? How many times have you communicated to her about these things?

Hope this helps.

Hey and thank you 😊 

sort of like one year for the appointment. The initiating affection has been a recurring theme unfortunately. We talk about it she does an effort for a month and it’s back again which makes me feel a little bit concerned 

[Thatturtlehurdle2]

4 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

I'm not sure how old you both are - early twenties or late teens? I'm going by the driving test. Seven years is a long time for that age and it's unfortunate that her own mother and sister discouraged her from exploring options with a doctor or seeking medical advice. Women are supposed to encourage and support each other not the opposite, especially where it concerns awareness and sexual health, especially this young.

Let her know how much it would mean to you if she does speak to a doctor. Barring that, I don't think there's anything you can do. She has to develop her own courage and desire to want to seek answers for herself and better herself. You cannot superimpose yourself into her brain and start dictating what she should do. At worst, you will come across as the controlling bf. At the very least, you'll be a nag.

Sticking around with someone who refuses to find help for themselves is a bit like trying to fix someone with self-esteem issues. Relationships just don't work well that way. You'll always be pulling teeth, wondering if you're the bad guy, while the other person grows more distant from you. Ultimately you have to decide whether she's someone you can date given her lack of interest or desire to find answers for herself. 

We re both 22 (her mother just doesn’t believe we don’t have penetration in our sex life) she just say if that’s happening it’s cause I’m either broken or Playing for the other team…

I have let her know how much it means to me if she gets help.  But it’s not for me it’s more for her to be able too feel good with herself since this doesn’t help her feel confident. How her mother and BFF reacted made her feel like she was broken 

I’m sticking around since I genuinely love her and don’t think this is something a person has to go through alone but the lack of interest on trying to face it make me a little sad

i think I’m honestly going to wait around and see if she does get the interest…

Thanks a lot 

[Thatturtlehurdle2]

14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Has she actually been diagnosed with this condition, OP?

No she hasn’t. It’s more of a suspicion. The first time we tried was like it had a barrier and she just started screaming of pain. The next tries were the same. We would create a nice ambient for us both to feel confident and use lots of lube but it just wouldn’t go in.

tampons don’t go in aswell and she tried doing that gynecology check out with a dilator in an appointment she had years ago didn’t go in aswell. We ve calmly managed to get a finger (my finger since shes told me she doesn’t feel comfortable doing it herself) but it hurts her even with a lot of lube. I don’t know if these cases are more leaned towards a physiologist or a gynecologist 

[Capricorn3]

7 hours ago, Thatturtlehurdle2 said:

‘Sex’  is rare (once a week) (didn’t used to be like this) ............

(Im a virgin btw needless to say she also is)

OP, the above is a little confusing.  You mention sex once a week, but then you also say you are both virgins?    (You've been together 7 years and still virgins? 😕 ). Can you clarify please?

[Capricorn3]

Ooops, cancel my above question.  Just saw your reply above.

[Thatturtlehurdle2]

23 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

OP, the above is a little confusing.  You mention sex once a week, but then you also say you are both virgins?    (You've been together 7 years and still virgins? 😕 ). Can you clarify please?

The ‘sex’ is only for oral sex from both of us. sorry for the confusion. And yes 7 years and we’re still virgins

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Thatturtlehurdle2 said:

No she hasn’t. It’s more of a suspicion. 

She is not broken. Stop trying to fix her.

You're the one who needs to wait until your arm heals up, get a job and become independent.

Your faux "diagnosis" is ridiculous. She doesn't want to have intercourse. She's a virgin. 

You're not entitled to sex, BTW.

[Thatturtlehurdle2]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

She is not broken. Stop trying to fix her.

You're the one who needs to wait until your arm heals up, get a job and become independent.

Your faux "diagnosis" is ridiculous. She doesn't want to have intercourse. She's a virgin. 

You're not entitled to sex, BTW.

I’m not trying to fix her in trying to help her through this. It’s hard for her. It’s not my diagnosis it was hers. She started reading about it and told me her thoughts on what was going on. 
Why wouldn’t she want to have intercourse if we’ve tried a bunch of times but the only Barrier is this issue? 
I know I’m not entitled to sex… no one is actually. And im perfectly fine with oral sex. So I’m just supposed to give up on this matter without trying to give my support and help? 

thanks a lot 🙂

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Thatturtlehurdle2 said:

I’m not trying to fix her in trying to help her through this. 

Leave her alone. She not ready for sex. It's that simple.

You seem woefully inexperienced. Relax. She's not aroused enough and not ready.

Wait until you are healed up.

Wait until you have the time and privacy and setting for appropriate romance.

That means getting a job, going back to school and doing something to make yourself a more desirable BF.

[Thatturtlehurdle2]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Leave her alone. She not ready for sex. It's that simple.

You seem woefully inexperienced. Relax. She's not aroused enough and not ready.

Wait until you are healed up.

Wait until you have the time and privacy and setting for appropriate romance.

That means getting a job, going back to school and doing something to make yourself a more desirable BF.

Alright. Thanks 🙏 I’ll try the advice! 

[DarkCh0c0]

I fully agree with @Wiseman2

And if your gf is really concerned, she would have gone to the doctor. Perhaps consider going with her once you've healed? What she claims she has is self-diagnosed and she has no proof it's true. She could even have something else/a disease. It's important she seeks a professional before claiming she has anything serious.

[Thatturtlehurdle2]

2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I fully agree with @Wiseman2

And if your gf is really concerned, she would have gone to the doctor. Perhaps consider going with her once you've healed? What she claims she has is self-diagnosed and she has no proof it's true. She could even have something else/a disease. It's important she seeks a professional before claiming she has anything serious.

Thanks for the advise. I will be patient and heal and go from there. I’ll go with her if she’s willing too of course 

thanks again 

[DarkCh0c0]

@Rose MosseMosse also had valid points, so please keep them in mind too.

Remember that in relationships, what you see is what you get. She won't change and become as affectionate as you are, even if you do get the sex.

[Thatturtlehurdle2]

6 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

@Rose MosseMosse also had valid points, so please keep them in mind too.

Remember that in relationships, what you see is what you get. She won't change and become as affectionate as you are, even if you do get the sex.

The thing is until we found this out we used to do it a lot and she used to be very affectionate towards me… I’ll have to be patient 

[DarkCh0c0]

@Thatturtlehurdle2 do a lot of oral. It's not the same thing. + She self-diagnosed.

Anyways, take your time and keep the above in your mind. You are both young, and you'll see how this side of the relationship will unfold.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Thatturtlehurdle2 said:

 I’ll go with her if she’s willing too of course 

Her gyn visits are private, confidential and none of your business. Stop pushing her into painful things she clearly is not ready for.  Stop being creepy and selfish.

[MissCanuck]

She needs medical attention, as she currently has no clue what the problem truly is. Neither of you knows if she has vaginismus. It could be something far more serious that will get worse and lead to bigger problems if she ignores it. 

But if she refuses, well, you can't do anything. Then you have a tough decision to make. 

My guess is that this is not purely physical though. She seems to be emotionally distancing herself from you. Have you two had a serious talk recently about the future of your relaitonship?

[Thatturtlehurdle2]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Her gyn visits are private, confidential and none of your business. Stop pushing her into painful things she clearly is not ready for.  Stop being creepy and selfish.

I understand that. What I meant with going with her is just taking her and being there for her after… I’m not pushing anything. I’ll be waiting. How can I be creepy and selfish by trying to help someone I love? But alright maybe distancing myself from this and waiting for her decision is the right thing to do

[Thatturtlehurdle2]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

She needs medical attention, as she currently has no clue what the problem truly is. Neither of you knows if she has vaginismus. It could be something far more serious that will get worse and lead to bigger problems if she ignores it. 

But if she refuses, well, you can't do anything. Then you have a tough decision to make. 

My guess is that this is not purely physical though. She seems to be emotionally distancing herself from you. Have you two had a serious talk recently about the future of your relaitonship?

No we haven’t talked about that topic. I’ll just be patient and leave her comfortable as Wiseman2 says