Jump to content

My relationship with money


Recommended Posts

I am not even sure where to start.  I grew up in a family that didn't have a lot of money. We had what we needed but there was not a lot for extras.  I was raised to work hard and live within my means.  I have done that.  I am in my late 40's and I have a decent job, no debt and about $800k in retirement savings and $400k in non retirement savings and I have equity in my house.  I remarried last year and my new husband is fairly well off.  We are talking about retiring in the next 10 years after the kids are out of college and living a simple life somewhere near the ocean.  We have the financial means to do so, I think.  But the thought of not getting a salary and spending savings gives me anxiety. 

I have a hard time spending money. I have a hard time when my husband spends money on big things, like a vacation or jewelry for me. ( I don't get upset with him over this, it is just hard for me to wrap my head around).  I operate from a stance of scarcity.  I have always been one to save for a rainy day.  I do spend money on travel and experiences over material things but it is hard for me to spend money on anything.  I don't obsess over my bank account and wouldn't even miss or probably notice if the balance were say $1000, or $10,000 lower. But I could not take that $1000 much less $10,000 and go spend it. I would agonize over spending it, trying to find a sale for whatever I wanted to buy, or only buying small things. It is as if I am agonizing over the every day expenses, like treating myself to a Starbucks coffee, when I have all this money in the bank. It sounds ridiculous even to me!

I don't have as much of a problem buying gifts for others but I still have to wrestle with myself to spend on myself. I feel like I should save that money.

Also, it bothers me to know how much money others have.  I don't really understand why at all. I have a cousin who just became very wealthy, like tens of millions of dollars, after the company he used to work  for went public and he cashed in his stock.  I am very happy for him and his family. I truly am. But I am also bothered by this and I don't know why.  On some level I think it makes me feel like maybe I am not valuable because I go to work every day and work hard and make about $100k/year, which I realize is a good salary, but nothing compared to $50M.  He never has to work another day in his life and has created generational wealth.  His success has nothing to do with me and I am happy he is now set for life, so what is going on in my head that this bothers me??   I wish I didn't know how much money he just made. It would be better to just know he did well and is now financially set. I guess I can't wrap my head around numbers that in the tens of millions.  I don't think it is jealousy. I don't think I could spend the money even if I had it.  As I mentioned above, I am newly married and my husband is fairly well off. I don't view his money as my money, but he does. He would let me spend it and buy whatever I wanted. I don't spend it. 

 

I guess I am just putting this out there to see if anyone has an insight into what is going on with me?  I wish I could be more relaxed about money but I just don't know how to do that!  I know it goes back to my upbringing. It is no surprise to me that I am the way I am but I want to feel differently and be ok with my relationship with money.  And why am I bothered about my cousin becoming a multi-millionaire??

 

Ugh.  Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

11 minutes ago, redsox22 said:

I think it makes me feel like maybe I am not valuable because I go to work every day and work hard and make about $100k/year, which I realize is a good salary, but nothing compared to $50M.

Yeah, you & millions of others out there 😉 .. Never compare your life to other's.. was just his success/luck?

 

Yeah, sounds like you've been affected somewhat on how you grew up- being overly cautious now?

BUT, go get yourself a tasty coffee!  You deserve that!  Plus money for a craft or hobby etc.. Let yourself feel it.. feel worthy ❤️ .

As for your future, maybe consider some type of 'savings', which will continue to build?  That's some kind of 'safe haven', right?  Even when you retire...

And re: your idea on retiring.. consider when you actually get there.  Try not to fret over it right now... You may feel in 10 years that you just don't feel 'ready' to go there.. yet.

I think you have done well re: your nest egg.  You can also go talk to your bank 'advisor' and they can explain ways for you to feel 'set' for when you do retire.. and how to 'make it work'.

Deep breathes.. try to enjoy things now. 🙂 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I relate to this a lot! So I'm interested in the responses you get. 

I'm in my early 40s and finally in a place where I'm more comfortable financially and don't have to work like a dog to claw ahead. And that's what I did, I worked like crazy and didn't spend beyond my means even when it meant just not getting something so I could put a bit more in savings or something to push me ahead. Like you, I grew up with enough but not much extra, and there were certain ideas about money that stuck. I got used to denying myself things, to the point it was a major deal in my 30s when I bought myself my first pair of shoes over $100 ever - even though I was on my feet all the time. 

I think there an be a little bit of "it's not fair, some float by while others have to earn every inch" that can happen sometimes. Like you said, it's not jealousy, but just sort of feeling trapped in a certain mindset and the frustrations that can come with that. 

I went way out of my comfort zone in my late 30s by starting a little business and that was scary when I did leave my job, even though it made financial and quality of life sense. And I feel like I'm doing so much better financially doing this than in any job I ever had, plus I feel much more balanced in my life. I veered into workaholic territory at times in my jobs, so it feels easy working for myself. Like the world opened. And I have changed the way I look at money, a little less concrete and conservative, though old habits do die hard. 

I think there's a lot of value in a strong work ethic but yes, we do have to work at challenging beliefs which then limit and hold us back. 

 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

33 minutes ago, redsox22 said:

I don't think I could spend the money even if I had it.

Well Redsox, I'd have no trouble spending the 50 million if I had it! lol.

I think that we are living in uncertain times and this is affecting people, causing anxiety and stress. 

Life is short, Red, and even the person you mention who is very wealthy could be gone tomorrow. In the country of my birth there is a saying: " A shroud has no pockets". 

Go get that coffee, or have more than one!  Somewhere better than Starbucks if you can.

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I definitely relate to your feelings on spending... I hate spending money, especially on myself. I've just started to do little things like buy nice shoes after years of wearing run down ones, and I'm 34 (!!!). Drives my husband a little crazy because he wants to take care of me or at least see me take care of myself! It's weird but with baby steps, you can enjoy life and make sure it's budgeted in so you don't feel any need to feel guilty.

 

Like each month, set a certain amount you'd feel comfortable spending on yourself, and if you don't use all of it that month, save it in a "spending" account for later on.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

I think there's a lot of value in a strong work ethic but yes, we do have to work at challenging beliefs which then limit and hold us back. 

I like this as a starting point for you (and maybe even an ending point!).  many people have complicated relationships with money and it can get even more complicated if your partner has different views about saving and spending -neither of you is right or wrong! Just accept that it's normal to feel conflicted, amibvalent, stressed about money.  Especially given your upbringing.  I'll share an anecdote. In the late 1980s I taught in a kindergarten class at a fancy private school.

We ate lunch in the classroom and we tried to engage the kids in a specific topic. 

Topic of the day was homelessness because in that city the kids would see homeless people when we took them out or to the playground.  I explained that often a homeless person doesn't have enough money to buy what he or she needs.  One of the students said "oh!!! I know what that's like! Sometimes my mom says we don't have enough money for something!"  I asked her what would happen then so she replied, matter of factly "Oh then we go to the ATM to get more money."  

I mean sure that is simplistic but honestly for some it remains a reality - there is not "oh not enough money" for basic needs or even not so basic needs.  Others know what it's like to worry about making ends meet (like in the famous book/movie I Remember Mama where she pretends they have a bank account so the kids will never feel insecure that they won't have enough to eat).  And still others - life is unfair -have trust funds or win the lottery or make a lot of money on what seems to be not a lot of hard work (seems - because often we don't know the whole story).

I actually recommend books by Alain de Botton - not specifically about money but yes about work and about life perspectives that might get you thinking more about these money/financial/work related issues.  He's a philosopher with a very unique and user friendly and often funny writing style - he now has a website I see.  I started reading his works almost 20 years ago.

Good luck!

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I grew up poor.  My chain smoking, alcoholic, wife beater late father gave my mother and his three children a hellacious marriage and family life.  My father punched my mother's teeth out.  We lived a hand-to-mouth existence, never knew where our next meal was coming from, never had medical insurance and my father never had a good job.  My parents drove jalopies and I was so embarrassed that I ducked down into the seats so my neighbors wouldn't see us driving home.  We always struggled financially and I was so embarrassed that I didn't allow my friends into my dilapidated house because it was always in shambles.  I wore clothes and shoes from thrift stores and never bought anything new. 

I look back at my old school photographs and I always looked so disheveled and sloppy.  When my parents divorced, my mother worked three jobs seven days a week to keep a roof over my head and food on the table.  My grandmother would leave for all day walks with my baby brother so there I was stranded on my front porch late at night until 9PM without dinner on a school night.  I had been locked out of the house all day and night without anything to eat and it was cold outside. 

I came from nothing.  I worked full time night shift to financially support my widowed mother and younger siblings.  Then I worked full time day shift and ascended in my career.  I was part of the upwardly mobile set.  I didn't have time to date.  I was too busy getting ahead in life.  When I finally succeeded and prospered, I met my husband and could finally breathe a sigh a relief as I lived a happily every after.   No pain, no gain.  I made it on my own.

Don't obsess over your cousin anymore.  Focus on your own life.  Try not to be so severe on your husband if he only spends money on occasional vacations and jewelry on you while both of you are very good at saving money in general and for your retirement in 10 years as you say.

I've been married for a long time, have two sons, mortgage was paid off early and we're finally reaping what we've sown for so long.  We live a quiet life in the suburbs. 

My husband and I live a frugal life.  We cook a lot at home and bring lunches to work.  We don't dine out nor do take out meals habitually.  If we eat out, it's for special occasions such as family reunions if they've traveled from afar or with several local relatives and in-laws for birthdays.  We don't take vacations since I'm not fond of living out of a suitcase, long road trips, traffic, hotels, airports, crowds and airplanes.  I'm a homebody and prefer to partake in local outings, picnics, walks, socialize with local friends and I enjoy my hobbies.  We endure long weekly commutes when not working from home so the last thing we want to do is venture out again.

We're good at saving money every month and saving for our future.  We have zero debts.  My splurges are an occasional designer handbag, shoes, clothes, perfume, hair salon appointments and I have a few fine pieces of jewelry from years ago so I don't need anymore.  My husband doesn't spend much money.  The only splurge was a new car a few years ago after driving used cars and doing without for many years.  It was about time. 

We don't shop for everyone for the holidays.  (We did in the past which was too expensive.) Our sons receive cash and since we buy whatever we want throughout the year, we don't exchange gifts.  However, we enjoy decorating the Christmas tree, holiday decor, traditional holiday meals with relatives, in-laws, extended family members and other relatives who travel far and wide to be together at Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We don't exchange gifts with them because we've outgrown it and everyone is cooperative and budget conscious in that regard. 

Don't be concerned about your cousin.  I have a cousin.  She and her husband are extremely affluent and make over 1/2 a $$$ million per year.  I'm not envious at all.  They have major health problems, very serious autoimmune disorders, a miserable marriage, they fight all the time, their two kids are mentally messed up, my cousin's husband harasses other women which is legally very risky and it's basically a living hell for them under one roof.  You never know what goes on behind closed doors. 😦

My sister and her husband (my brother-in-law) are extremely affluent as well.  They reside in a 5,000 sq ft McMansion in a very coveted neighborhood and live the high life.  Their income is almost $1mil per year.  Here's the catch:  They too are miserable.  BIL - brother-in-law has a major "mouth problem" (says chronic inappropriate comments socially and privately), humiliates my sister, she has to do damage control and if she doesn't, BIL automatically alienates everyone.  He's like a cancer.  There is no cure for him.  The only thing that works is for me and others to stay away from him permanently.  Socializing is awkward, dicey and risky.  We basically don't get together with him and his family except for a few times a year at the most. 

Sure, money is wonderful.  However, you don't know some people's unhappy stories.  😰

If you're happily married and live a sound, stable, normal, warm, kind, loving, uncomplicated, honorable, moral, poised and respectful marriage and household (and / or family) life, concentrate on feeling incredibly grateful for everything.  This is how you will feel secure and self confident with what you have which is truly so precious and priceless.   Don't care about anyone else because they don't matter.  I couldn't care less.

 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Coming at this from a different perspective: are you sure you're not uncomfortable with your cousin's lack of discretion about his personal finances rather than money itself. 

It appears as two different issues: your spending habits and discomfort knowing about your cousin's situation. I wouldn't mix the two. 

Try to relax a bit and treat yourself every once in awhile. Being frugal is a good habit so don't worry about what others are doing. If it works for you and gives you peace of mind, keep doing what you're doing. What others do shouldn't matter. Manage your own finances accordingly. 

Regarding your cousin, let's face it he's probably the same guy who pranked you and riled you up when you were kids, same guy you played with for years and probably sat on each others sandcastles. Wait- that's what we did. Anyway, you get the point. He's the same person. But what might have rubbed you the wrong way is the way word got out and all the nitty gritty details. Or, perhaps your family likes to gossip. If that's the case, that's a family issue and take the good with the bad. If he's still a good dad and a good husband and a good person, what else matters?

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Regarding your cousin, let's face it he's probably the same guy who pranked you and riled you up when you were kids, same guy you played with for years and probably sat on each others sandcastles. Wait- that's what we did. Anyway, you get the point. He's the same person. But what might have rubbed you the wrong way is the way word got out and all the nitty gritty details. Or, perhaps your family likes to gossip. If that's the case, that's a family issue and take the good with the bad. If he's still a good dad and a good husband and a good person, what else matters?

Yes, I was thinking this.  ❤️ 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think this is just like any other aspect of ourselves that we would like to change.... it takes practice.

You make choices and take actions that support what you want to do and be.

In this instance, it is changing your thoughts.... stop yourself from comparing. When you get the thought, redirect it. Tell yourself that's him, not you.  His money does not impact you or your life and then move on in your thoughts. 

I can appreciate people that think experiences are worth more than material things. That's your/ their choice for their money. Everyone spends their money on what matters to them.  

So in another way, maybe you need to stop judging others and yourself about money and how it's used. It's just money... if your needs are being met and you don't have a problem,  stop creating one. 

Talk to a therapist. You're not accepting and loving yourself if youre not allowing yourself to enjoy your life.  It's like why are you beating yourself up like this? when everything is FINE. 

You obviously see the problem,  start working on the solution. Whether it's talking yourself down from these thoughts or seeking therapy. 

You've worked hard, you saved a lot, you are safe, secure and can have anything you want. Why is it both not good enough (it's not 50 mm) and undeserved (can't get a fancy coffee)? 

So either way, you can't win.... this must be exhausting. 

Do you find comfort in being nervous or not good enough or even judging other's approach to money? Serious question. 

Get to the root of what you get out of these feelings. And why you can't let them go.... 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for all the responses.  I know I am not alone in feeling this way and I also know that is a problem of my own making. I have wrestled with this for a long time.  I do see a therapist regularly and I am trying to work through some of these issues. They are deep rooted for sure.  It is not at all based on logic or reasoning, which makes it hard to change for me.

I am working on it though and taking small steps.  For example, I let my husband handle all the finances when it comes to travel.  He makes what I consider good choices and is not wasteful with money but if I know how much things costs, like the hotel and excursions, etc it makes me anxious like we are spending too much (even though we can afford it). If he handles the money part of our trips, and I don't know how much he spent I am more able to go and just enjoy it all and not stress or feel anxious.  Not the healthiest solution but better than where I started.

 

I don't really judge how others spend money. If anything,  I am envious that they can do so freely. And no, I don't find comfort in being nervous or not good enough. I think it is more of a control and insecurity around money, worrying that I won't have enough at some point. It is easier to deprive myself than my children, family or friends, who I can be generous with. 

 

As for my cousin, this is not really about him but rather the situation. He is a great guy, good father, husband, raised with good values, works hard.  I don't judge how he spends his money.  It is just not something I can wrap my head around. I have an uncle who is quite wealthy, who made his own fortune just like my cousin and I know he is wealthy but I don't know how wealthy.   I am more at peace with his wealth because I have no idea if his net worth is $5M or $50M or whatever.  Like if I don't really know the details I am ok but knowing my cousin is suddenly worth something like $50M it creates these weird feelings in me. 

 

Thanks again for the replies. They have all been helpful to me in one way or another. 

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been a cheapskate for 99% of my life.  I'm not that way anymore.  We worked hard, saved our money and had some luck in real estate with our homes and we did own a farm which we sold for 5x what we paid for it!  We bought our current house for cash, then bought a house for our son and he is paying us back, it's not a freebie to him.  we have m money in the bank.  We run a small online biz which doesn't make much but gives us tax breaks.

I can finally buy the things I want and not fret over the cost, tho the tightwad in me does always make me think about costs.  We take a vacation each year, we have some collector cars, we have a lovely house.

Maybe you need a financial planner to help you to understand your wealth and invest it sensibly for you and tell you how much you can spend per month or year when retirement comes.  I call our financial planner our guru!  He's made wealth management understandable for the average person.

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Lambert said:

It's just money... if your needs are being met and you don't have a problem,  stop creating one. 

Talk to a therapist. You're not accepting and loving yourself if youre not allowing yourself to enjoy your life.  It's like why are you beating yourself up like this? when everything is FINE. 

Fully agree Lambert. 

25 minutes ago, redsox22 said:

but knowing my cousin is suddenly worth something like $50M it creates these weird feelings in me. 

It's just a number, OP. Imagine if you heard he had $500 million!

Money is inert, OP. And is only as good as it's purchasing value. 

Not saying you should go mad and splurge all you have on some outlandish  scheme (at a casino, buying a diamond mine in S. Africa, travelling round the world until the money is all gone  etc.). But there has to be balance. The other extreme is being stingy, with yourself. 

Enjoy the small treats in life.  Doesn't have to be expensive.  I just bought two lovely candles, one for me and one for the wife of one of my nephews.  I know, a huge spend LOL. 22 Euro altogether. 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't think about your cousin.  Get busy so you will no longer have brain space for your cousin or you'll be too exhausted to care.  That's what I do.  I have a lot of affluent people in my community and some of my relatives and in-laws are quietly very affluent.  I don't care about them because I'm too preoccupied with my life.  I'm very industrious whether at home or away.  I have hobbies, my marriage and family life are calm and peaceful, I work out and after all is said and done, I'm too fatigued to care about anyone else. 

Don't obsess over your cousin anymore.  Concentrate and remain focused on your own life.  This is what I do and it really works. 

Don't think about your cousin and don't be envious.  Be grateful for your life, your stable marriage and peaceful household.  Do what you enjoy, too.  (If I have spare time, I read my library books, watch an occasional movie, work on my hobbies and do whatever strikes my fancy!)

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Okay I know just how you feel because I was raised to be a saver not a spender just like you and sending money on myself is very foreign to me.  I grew up middle class poor-ish compared to my friends.

  Like you I have done well saving for retirement and investing and just recently retired at 57 yrs old.  I have several friends that are pretty wealthy but I do not begrudge them their wealth.

  I am a simple man with simple tastes and will do anything for friends or family and sometimes strangers but doing for myself has been a struggle.

  I receive a pretty nice pension and haven't touched any dividends or interest from my investments which make a fair amount of money each day. I know this amount and the trick I use to help get me out of the saver mode and into the spender mode is to remind myself how much money I am making each day.  It helps me feel okay about spending money I might not ever feel okay about spending.  Let's say I live to be 97 ( I am hoping for 85-90 sharp and fit) which is 40 more years on this earth. A few minutes with a calculator can easily show me how much I can burn through a year and never run out even with a modest return. 

  You have been saving for your future but you cannot forget to live in the present either.  Your future is right now so sit down with a calculator and see how much you are making each day in interest and or dividends.  I have a feeling once you see what you are making you just might feel a little better about new shoes or even a vacation. 

   Lost

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So, let me get this straight... You have OVER a MILLION in retirement and you are still worried?

MAN, I would LOVE to be in your shoes!   I will never be able to retire, and no, that's not hyperbole. And I've never not worked multiple jobs my whole life (since I was 12) and I'm very frugal.  But I've had a lot of bad circumstances hit me and my family. 

Most kids today will never be able to retire as pensions are a thing of the past and the cost of living skyrockets as wages stay stagnant. 

So, first I advise to please look around you and realize that for most people, you are sitting pretty and tons of people out there would LOVE to be in your position- I KNOW I WOULD!!!! 

But this is about you and all I can tell you is this.  My dad just died.  He was like you, NEVER wanted to spend a cent of his retirement money. Avoided home repairs, going places he always want to go, avoided buying stuff he really needed, avoided going to the doctor for treatments he needed. 

Now that money is still there- but Dad is gone.  He didn't spend it... and for what?  He didn't get to enjoy the fruits of his labors, he never got to see places he wanted to (but could have), he didn't keep up his health (and could have potentially lived longer), didn't fix his house - and now the kids have to (and use his money for it anyway).  And I've just been thinking over and over- HOW SAD it makes me that my Dad HAD the money and was just too scared to USE it.  And he never had anything CLOSE to a MILLION dollars, either.   It makes me horribly sad that he didn't enjoy his life as much as he could have, when he had the money to do more. 

Take a breath, really think about being grateful for what you have, and perhaps seeks counseling for why you feel you cannot spend money. 

 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Posted (edited)

"Mo'Money, Mo'Problems."  When Trump filed for bankruptcy (not trying to be political - I have a point), he was still a millionaire.  I think you should speak to a financial advisor, or take a class on money management. I know you know how to save, but classes like these help you to understand where and how much you can splurge, save, invest, etc.  With social security, savings, compounding interest, medicare, no mortgage, your expenses also change with retirement.   Putting it on paper (spreadsheet) will make it more tangible than relying on stress of the unknown.  Just a reminder, "you can't take it with you,"  and no one is laying on their death bed going, "why didn't I put more in my ROTH account?"

Don't wait to travel. You don't have to live large on vacays, but you should take them - travel is good for the soul.

image.thumb.png.80bb7dfd09024b6873adc7731b2b54c3.png

Edited by tattoobunnie
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, redswim30 said:

HOW SAD it makes me that my Dad HAD the money and was just too scared to USE it.  And he never had anything CLOSE to a MILLION dollars, either.   It makes me horribly sad that he didn't enjoy his life as much as he could have, when he had the money to do more. 

Take a breath, really think about being grateful for what you have, and perhaps seeks counseling for why you feel you cannot spend money. 

Say it again, Redswim!  Money isn't for hoarding. Hoarding is pathological.

And you can't take it with you.  The bags of money will NOT be loaded into your coffin to go with you to the next place. 

And what you hoard with a spoon those left behind will spend with a spade! Yes!

And, oddly, the more one clings to money (spurious security) the more likely it may slip away from you. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

All very good points from everyone who replied- and all the things I would say to a friend who posed the same concerns to me and what I even say to myself!  But being logical and rational is not the problem. Actually changing how I feel about spending money is the problem. I do go to therapy every week and I discuss this with my therapist, among other things.  I know it is not rational and I know I can't take it with me!I

I actually don't spend much time thinking about money or even looking at my accounts.  But when it comes to spending money I find it difficult.  It is a mindset that I know I need to change. I am struggling with the how to change it part.  

For example, my husband was discussing with me that some of his stock options that were part of his compensation are now vested and he can sell them and we will have some money in cash. He was asking how we should invest it and we talked about it.  To me it didn't matter what the amount was, it could be very little or a lot, it is like it is not even real. What is real is that I need some new work clothes for the summer and I need to go shopping. I don't like to shop very much and I think that clothing is too expensive sometimes. I will limit myself to only buying things on sale or only a few items so the overall bill isn't too high.  It is like my internal limit is set in my head and I have a hard time going over it.  Even though I could go out and spend say $1000 on new clothes and it wouldn't matter to my bank account at all, that doesn't feel prudent. 

To the poster who says to travel- yes, we do travel. I have traveled all over the world and I do it without spending a lot of money. When I was young I would stay with friends, take trains, stay in hostels, etc. Now that I am older and I travel with my husband I let him make the hotel arrangements and I don't think about the cost.  He handles the arrangements for trips and I am ok with that, I am able to go and enjoy and not stress too much. 

My husband is in the financial industry and so we do have a financial plan and have a clear idea of what we need to retire  and how to invest etc.  It feels good that we are in a good position, but it doesn't help with the every day challenges around money.  

It does help if I earmark money for certain things, like say X amount of money is for new clothes and I give myself permission to spend that over time. It makes it easier but it is still a struggle.  Or if I need new running shoes, I am ok with buying them because I need them but I will spend a long time looking for a sale.  Paying full price for things is extremely hard for me!   

Thanks for all the input and advice. It has been helpful and it is also helpful to know that I am not alone in this struggle!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 minutes ago, redsox22 said:

What is real is that I need some new work clothes for the summer and I need to go shopping. I don't like to shop very much and I think that clothing is too expensive sometimes. I will limit myself to only buying things on sale or only a few items so the overall bill isn't too high.  It is like my internal limit is set in my head and I have a hard time going over it.  Even though I could go out and spend say $1000 on new clothes and it wouldn't matter to my bank account at all, that doesn't feel prudent. 

Red.  Get out there and buy those clothes!   I actually dislike shopping as in going into a store or more than one store. I find it utterly tiresome.  I try to find out online if xyz dress is to be had at the store.  I bolt in the door of that store, head for that garment, buy it and out the door again. 

I now buy clothes online (from a good retailer which also has actual shops).  Hobbs, Reiss, LK Bennett etc. come to mind.  One or two very good garments will take you most anywhere.  Also the cut and tailoring are better. One item I would never stint on is footwear.  One's feet deserve the best, as they have to carry us through life! 

You'd be amazed at how easy it is to spend (not outlandishly of course) once you get into the habit, OP.  Lol. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Baby steps will work better than anything.  This is years in the making as you grew up and lived your life so it will take some time to get out of that cycle of thinking.  Only you can give yourself permission to spend your own money...

  I am curious:  If you went out and spent 600 on new clothes for work would you feel guilty or bad somehow after the fact or is it just the thought of doing it holding you back?

Lost

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Lost- I would feel guilty about it while I was shopping and would think about it a bit afterwards but not for too long afterwards.  More often it is the thought of doing it and how it makes me feel that stops me from doing it.  

 

I just spent about $250 on clothes for my son to go away to sleep away camp for 2 weeks.  He won't have access to laundry so needed more shorts and t-shirts etc to last him 2 weeks.  I was fine spending this money. At the same time I looked for a summer dress for myself and had a hard time feeling ok about spending $80 which was full price and found one on the sale rack for about $37 and was ok with that.   Then I was shopping for a birthday gift for a friend and thought to myself, well I spend enough money today I should wait and shop for the birthday gift another day.  This doesn't even make sense logically because 1- it means I will have to make another shopping trip and I really don't enjoy shopping much and 2- because the money will come out of the same account whether I spend it today or next week, it doesn't change a thing. 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is all perception.  I have done the same things you have many times.  Freely spend money on others but can't seem to crack that wallet on myself.  I am getting better at it and the fact that you are self aware of your unwillingness to spend money on yourself is great.

  Everyone likes a good deal, even the super rich.  There is something about the feeling of finding a deal more than saving a few bucks I think.  Putting off the purchase of the gift actually will cost you more money since it is another trip so logically it was the wrong choice but emotionally it made you feel safe.

 This isn't the balance in your account stopping you, this is your years of saving and not spending on yourself.  Like any habit it will take some time to break.  You bought a dress for yourself which is a good step so now think about what else you need  (not want) so you can plan on your next shopping trip when you go for the gift.  If you stick to things you need first and then slowly throw in a want here and there I think you will see the sky will not fall and the mortgage will still get paid.

 These ingrained habits are tough to shake and just thinking about changing them will not work, you have to force yourself past the hurdle you have put up to prove to yourself it is okay.  In time it will get easier, it has for me.

Lost

Edited by lostandhurt
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

1 hour ago, redsox22 said:

At the same time I looked for a summer dress for myself and had a hard time feeling ok about s

 

1 hour ago, redsox22 said:

At the same time I looked for a summer dress for myself and had a hard time feeling ok about spending $80 which was full price and found one on the sale rack for about $37 and was ok with that.  

Very normal.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Try coming at this from a self-care and fiscal perspective.  If you purchase high quality shoes that were about $150.  Technically, you are saving yourself from potential medical bills that may have been generated from bunions, low back pain and spinal deformity, sprained ankles, etc.  And if you wear them for a full year, it amounts to $0.41/day.  So, in reality, instead of $10,000 in bills, you spend $150.

And let's say there is a dress that is $80 vs the one you do not like as much for $37.  With the $80 dress, it makes you feel empowered, therefore making your day at work much more successful, which leads to promotions and raises.  

My point - think big picture!!

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

  • Top Discussions this Week

  • Our picks

    • Why You Should NEVER Chase Your Ex
      You should NEVER chase your ex, no matter what... even if you want to get back together. In this video, I’ll explain what exactly I mean by that… and why it’s so important if you want your ex back. Here's the simple truth: if you DO want to give yourself the best possible chance of starting over with your ex, you simply CANNOT let yourself start chasing them… it just doesn’t work, even though it’s the natural human reaction to a breakup and often feels like the right way to get them back. Even if you DON'T want your ex back, you still shouldn't let yourself chase after them. Watch the full video to find out why...

       
      • 0 replies
    • How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩
      How Do You Know She’s The One? 5 Signs She’s The One & 1 Red Flag! 🚩... In this dating advice video, I will explain to you how to know she’s the one and give you five signs she’s the one as well as give you one red flag that you need to look out for. You may want to know whether she’s the one on first dates, online dating, or somewhere in the dating process. Take heed to these dating tips and be sure to watch the entire video.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Odd Signs You're Seeking Approval from Others Outside of Yourself
      In this YouTube Video, Lisa A Romano discusses 5 signs that indicate you're still seeking approval from others outside of you. If you are codependent, and you struggle with self-love, you may not realize the signs you're seeking approval from others. Childhood trauma and emotional neglect lead to a sense of feeling unseen. If you feel unseen, you may seek approval in odd ways. It may not be obvious when you are looking for validation from others. In this video, Lisa A Romano breaks down these 5 signs, and what they mean; hypervigilance, neediness, low self-worth, never feeling fulfilled and what it means when you become a perpetual seeker.

       
      • 0 replies
    • 3 Simple Strategies To Ditch The Imposter Syndrome
      Have you ever felt like you're a fraud who doesn't belong? According to a recent article published in the International Journal of Behavioral Science, seven in every ten people have or will experience impostor syndrome at some point in their lives. We couldn't see our tribe suffering from this anymore, so we brought in the person who'll help you ditch this feeling for good. In this video, peak performance expert Shadé Zahrai joins Vishen to discuss how to supercharge your life and improve your self-esteem by constructing your own reality, leveraging your self-awareness, and regaining control over your inner critic

       
      • 0 replies
    • 5 Things People Who’ve Been Mentally Abused Do
      Do you know how common mental abuse is? According to The National Center for Biotechnology Information, 80 percent of the population has experienced some form of abusive relationship and behavior. However, despite how frequent it is, emotional abuse is still hard to spot. Unlike physical abuse, mental abuse doesn’t leave any visible scars; instead, it affects someone’s behavior, mindset, and mentality. This means some people deny they’ve been mentally abused, and others may not even recognize the toxic behavior. So, whether you’re reading this to be able to recognize emotional abuse in others or recognize it in yourself, these a few things people who’ve been mentally abused do are sure to help you be more empathetic and kinder.

       
      • 0 replies
×
×
  • Create New...