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Hey guys, i am back again. before i start, i ask for kind advise. 

Let me just get right into it. I have been dating a guy for the past year now and things were good the first 8-9 months. One of the first things he asked me when we became official was if i liked a man who communicates numerous times a day or of i’m okay with a person who i don’t have to speak to everyday. I told him, that i prefer constant communication, this is something that he preferred too. For the first 8 months i talked to him everyday, numerous times a day, even when we fought, we  would speak in efforts to resolve things. Fast forward to about 3 months ago, he’s communication started to decline and we talked about it and he advised me that he’ll do better. Starting last month he started not texting me for 17+ hours straight, i would text him and not get a response until later the next day. When he finally texted back, i got upset because this was not like him and i thought something happened to him. I let it go and it happened again, i got into a fight with him , he got upset too and went quiet for a day so i apologized to him because i didn’t want to lose him. He accepted the apology, but after that, i did not hear from him for a few days. He ended up calling me and on that phone call, he told me that he went quiet because he wanted me to miss him because he felt like i no longer appreciated him. He also asked why things are not so good with us right now and i told him once again that he’s not doing what he was doing to contribute to the relationship and i also felt like he was cheating, but he completely denied this, he told me that he wanted this relationship to work and would never cheat on me.

 

for about a week, he communicated well and this past weekend he stopped again. i sent him a message about feeling down because i feel like i am now constantly looking for a man who doesn’t look for me. He texted back basically angry and acted like i was accusing him of something he hadn’t done. the last message i sent him was basically me pouring my heart out about the same thing  and telling him how i want to be loved by him  the way he used to show me love and he replied saying he got it, he didn’t say anything else. We usually communicate through whatsapp so i decided to delete his phone number, our text messages, and the app all together. Although i feel like i did the right thing, i am still hurt and a part of me wants him to make this right, what do i do? 

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2 minutes ago, CBC2000 said:

he told me that he went quiet because he wanted me to miss him

No, no, no. 

This is game-playing and has no place in mature relationships. I would have been right ticked off to hear that malarkey. 

I think you are correctly sensing that something is wrong. It might be different if he had said he was busy and couldn't respond, or that he doesn't think he can keep up with constant communication after all but still wants to make this work - but instead he gave you the above? Given what you have written, I sense that he is losing interest but doesn't quite have the courage to come out and tell you that. 

However, where you went wrong here was accusing him of cheating, and later deleting his number and What's App altogether. You have got to get a handle on your emotions and not be impulsive when you're feeling upset. If you want to break up with him, use your voice and tell him that. Not as a message, but a phone call (assuming he won't see you in person) Being passive aggressive and hoping he will fix it will only backfire. Now you'll be sitting and wondering if he's noticed that you deleted it, and so on. You can't communicate about the state of things when you slam doors shut, if you get my drift. 

 

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4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No, no, no. 

This is game-playing and has no place in mature relationships. I would have been right ticked off to hear that malarkey. 

I think you are correctly sensing that something is wrong. It might be different if he had said he was busy and couldn't respond, or that he doesn't think he can keep up with constant communication after all but still wants to make this work - but instead he gave you the above? Given what you have written, I sense that he is losing interest but doesn't quite have the courage to come out and tell you that. 

However, where you went wrong here was accusing him of cheating, and later deleting his number and What's App altogether. You have got to get a handle on your emotions and not be impulsive when you're feeling upset. If you want to break up with him, use your voice and tell him that. Not as a message, but a phone call (assuming he won't see you in person) Being passive aggressive and hoping he will fix it will only backfire. Now you'll be sitting and wondering if he's noticed that you deleted it, and so on. You can't communicate about the state of things when you slam doors shut, if you get my drift. 

 

well one of the messages he sent was telling me  to leave him alone, this was right before the last time i poured my heart out. i thought just deleting the stuff would help me to not constantly try to reach out to him. what am i supposed to do?

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3 hours ago, CBC2000 said:

.. I told him, that i prefer constant communication.

Sorry this is happening.

Unfortunately it became a catch-22. The more you launched flights about communication, the more he avoided the fighting.

How often were you together in person? Why were things based on texting this much?

Do you both work? This seems like an unrealistic amount of text-tethering.

Dating is not babysitting. You both need your own time for friends, family, work, sports, hobbies, interests and alone time.

 

 

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Sorry to say this, but you both sound "needy". He went quiet because he didnt felt appreciated, you got mad because he didnt text you for a day or constantly like he used to so you thought he doesnt like you anymore etc. Having somebody that you will hear from every day is great. Its what couples do. But what you described is extreme. Like if you both just need validation from other side and when you dont get it you both get mad. Its not really healthy in the long run because after a while(when initial passion fades away) it becomes tiresome for one side or both. And you crash and burn like it happened here. Leave it be for now, if he wanted to answer he would found a way. 

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.

Unfortunately it became a catch-22. The more you launched flights about communication, the more he avoided the fighting.

How often were you together in person? Why were things based on texting this much?

Do you both work? This seems like an unrealistic amount of text-tethering.

Dating is not babysitting. You both need your own time for friends, family, work, sports, hobbies, interests and alone time.

 

 

I had the same questions and concerns.  Why do you need constant communication? It's not because you care about him and how he's doing -that doesn't require constant communication.  The reasons why might give you clues to the current situation.

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10 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Having somebody that you will hear from every day is great. Its what couples do.

Maybe now with texting that is what couples do but I think it's perfectly fine not to be in touch every single day unless there's a practical reason for it like kids, making plans, someone's health situation, etc.  My husband and I spoke every day we weren't together when we were dating -we were long distance and we spoke by phone every night for about 20-40 minutes depending, often we sent emails during the day (it was 2005-08 but I had no cell phone and he did)- but not out of checking in or neediness- mostly just fun stuff -but zero obligation.  

I had a "constant communication" friend years ago -she met him online, they dated for four months and she told me defensively that of course they were constantly checking in "that's just what we do" - fine. They got engaged, she moved in with him and his kids, moved out a couple of months later.  Broke up.  The constant communication was out of neediness -she didn't really get to know him that way.

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.

Unfortunately it became a catch-22. The more you launched flights about communication, the more he avoided the fighting.

How often were you together in person? Why were things based on texting this much?

Do you both work? This seems like an unrealistic amount of text-tethering.

Dating is not babysitting. You both need your own time for friends, family, work, sports, hobbies, interests and alone time.

 

 

we used to see each other almost everyday, but eventually we started seeing each other maybe once a week. I guess i got used to the constant texting back and forth, that i felt like something was wrong when it stopped 

 

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so i finally opened up my whatsapp again and i noticed that he texted me yesterday . i was out of town this past weekend and he was basically saying that he wanted to be able to come welcome me home after my trip, but instead we are fighting. what do i even say?

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If he wanted to welcome you home he would just welcome you home and not gaslight or use excuses. This is obnoxious, OP. Please see it for what he is. So you both agreed to communicate daily and he eventually wasn't feeling it or felt that he needed to draw back so as to make you miss him. This is incredibly manipulative too. 

Treat this as a change in the relationship and not a welcome one if that's not what you're looking for in a partner. Different individuals want different things that may be a priority so look for that but as soon as someone changes or alters the agreement you both had or manipulates you, leave. Texting might not be so important to others but it's important to you - to have regular communication. 

Please open your eyes and dump this guy. 

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15 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

If he wanted to welcome you home he would just welcome you home and not gaslight or use excuses. This is obnoxious, OP. Please see it for what he is. So you both agreed to communicate daily and he eventually wasn't feeling it or felt that he needed to draw back so as to make you miss him. This is incredibly manipulative too. 

Treat this as a change in the relationship and not a welcome one if that's not what you're looking for in a partner. Different individuals want different things that may be a priority so look for that but as soon as someone changes or alters the agreement you both had or manipulates you, leave. Texting might not be so important to others but it's important to you - to have regular communication. 

Please open your eyes and dump this guy. 

Thank you so much Rose,

 

you are right about everything, we were communicating this way because this is what he also wanted. Just last week i didn’t reach out to him for like 4 hours because he was actually out playing football with his friends, so i figured he would just reach out when he’s done. when he called the first thing he asked is why i hadn’t contacted him. i actually apologized and explained to him what my thought process was. i have been saying that he forsure gaslights me and makes me feel crazy when he does not accept the same behavior he gives me. 

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11 minutes ago, CBC2000 said:

Thank you so much Rose,

 

you are right about everything, we were communicating this way because this is what he also wanted. Just last week i didn’t reach out to him for like 4 hours because he was actually out playing football with his friends, so i figured he would just reach out when he’s done. when he called the first thing he asked is why i hadn’t contacted him. i actually apologized and explained to him what my thought process was. i have been saying that he forsure gaslights me and makes me feel crazy when he does not accept the same behavior he gives me. 

Rethink this then. Dating is about observing more than investing your whole heart lock, stock and barrel. Keep your eyes open and share your life with someone but take your time. A person's character is only revealed over time so pay attention to everything you see. Weigh the good and the bad and go from there. 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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So how old are you guys? Just curious. To be honest I think you both didn't really handle the situation in the most mature way. Were you seeing each other in real life often? How many times did he not reply to you for about 17 hours?

The thing is that yes it's nice to message your partner often but I think it doesn't have to be literally constant. People are actually allowed to live their life as well. You said you didn't message him for four hours because he was playing football with friends. To me that sounded like you think you were really making an effort to give him space. When in reality that's just normal not to message your partner for four hours. Also not replying for 17 hours can be OK too depending on the situation. For example, if you messaged late at night and he went to sleep for about 8 hours. Then got up and went to work and messaged you when he got back home from work.

However if he ignored your messages often then it does actually sound like maybe he was pulling away for some reason. I think though that rather than just flat out accusing him (especially of cheating), you could have actually asked why he began to reply a lot less. Maybe he had a reason for it? E.g. Depressed, problems at work, something else. I don't think you should just accuse someone of things unless you try to talk to them first and get some answers.

Also just deleting his number and blocking on things probably wasn't the most mature thing either. You dated for a year so I think even if you wanted to take a break or break up, that should have been discussed first. Just sort of "ghosting" is immature and not very good communication.

If he was pulling away because he didn't want to date you anymore then yes unfortunately maybe there wasn't too much you could do. But you didn't actually know WHY he was pulling away so before getting angry it's best to actually ask the other person what's actually going on with them.

Edited by Tinydance
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This guy is a manipulator and he is using communication not only to manipulate you, but also to punish you.

It's kind of odd that he asked you what you prefer and then stuck to it. Then suddenly flipped and started disappearing on you knowing full well that it will cause you distress and anxiety. People who are naturally chatty, just are. They won't ask you nor can they stop being who they are. Likewise, someone who isn't chatty, won't be into constant contact from the get go.

This guy did what you prefer, came on hot and heavy and then suddenly flipped on you in a complete 180.

Don't try to figure out why, just run. When you see this kind of behavior and pointedly disappearing so that you "can miss him".......that's punitive and intentional. You are now starting to see who he really is and he is counting on the idea that after 8 months you are too attached to dump him and will keep pining and trying to go back to how things used to be. Don't play that game. Just walk away and don't look back.

As Rose so wisely said, dating is for learning and observing and when you see something so off, you say, "thanks but no thanks" and head for the nearest exit.

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Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this. 

Re: constant communication. In a previous post, you implied that you and your partner thought that going four hours without a message raised alarm bells. For most couples, it is normal to go four hours without hearing from someone. That's a very small amount of time. Honestly, the dynamic you have described sounds exhausting. I think that he's pulling back now after the "honeymoon phase" simply because the literal constant communication is eating into his life's other tasks and he's exhausted.

It is probably best to reexamine your expectations and communication schedule to something more manageable. Maybe setting up a daily or nightly call, and/or a "standing date" would be preferable to the constant texting. And perhaps you could find the validation or affirmation you are seeking through those forms of quality time. Perhaps then the communication will be fun - and not an obligation. People will not want to talk to you if you make it an obligation.

Re: passive-aggressiveness. It was wrong for him to pull back purportedly because he felt you don't appreciate him. He should have communicated that to you instead of using silence as a weapon or way of dealing with his problems. He's done that now several times while knowing the effect it has on you. That's unfair. 

On the other hand, you also shouldn't use silence as a weapon or means to regain "power." Specifically, using no contact for four hours and deleting his number as means to regain some semblance of power over the situation isn't good (note - it's not the length of time but rather the intention which is culpable). And of course, do not accuse him of cheating without any tangible evidence to support that. That's unfair.

---

I think this is possibly salvageable if you two love one another. But I think it will only work if you both modify your communication expectations, and also set expectations for how to handle concerns in the relationship. E.g., a solid plan would be: (1) we should hear from each other at least once per day, through a phone call, and we should hang out in person at least once a week, (2) when one of us has a problem or concern during the relationship, the expectation is that we reach out and communicate directly - we should not pull back and be silent because doing so causes the other person anxiety. The person communicating the concern should do so respectfully over the phone or in person (not via text), and the person listening should be receptive. 

Set aside WhatsApp for Pete's sake, actually talk, set new expectations moving forward. Hopefully, the relationship is flexible enough to adapt to the new needs/wants of both parties. 

Hope this helps. 

Edited by Pleasedonot5
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Well, you don't 'make it right', by deleting the guy 😕 .

Maybe you two should be having more actual talks on phone (voice) and in person. - not all via texts.  Communication is always better when for real.

I doubt cheating was any part of this.  But, maybe he was being a little negligent with communicating.

People need to learn ways in how to keep it alive.. keep your relationship going at a good speed.  Not blah, boring, stressful, etc.

Did you two do things together?  or just 'hang out' basically?

Were there stressors maybe affecting him in the past few months?  If so, would be good that he informed you- as yes, communication is necessary.

BUT, I feel, at this time, what you've done says enough.  You have pushed him away - as you feel your 'expectations' were not met.

IF you are done with him, then be done!  No games.. and mean what you say/do.

You're not happy with him & his behaviour.

 

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51 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this. 

Re: constant communication. In a previous post, you implied that you and your partner thought that going four hours without a message raised alarm bells. For most couples, it is normal to go four hours without hearing from someone. That's a very small amount of time. Honestly, the dynamic you have described sounds exhausting. I think that he's pulling back now after the "honeymoon phase" simply because the literal constant communication is eating into his life's other tasks and he's exhausted.

It is probably best to reexamine your expectations and communication schedule to something more manageable. Maybe setting up a daily or nightly call, and/or a "standing date" would be preferable to the constant texting. And perhaps you could find the validation or affirmation you are seeking through those forms of quality time. Perhaps then the communication will be fun - and not an obligation. People will not want to talk to you if you make it an obligation.

Re: passive-aggressiveness. It was wrong for him to pull back purportedly because he felt you don't appreciate him. He should have communicated that to you instead of using silence as a weapon or way of dealing with his problems. He's done that now several times while knowing the effect it has on you. That's unfair. 

On the other hand, you also shouldn't use silence as a weapon or means to regain "power." Specifically, using no contact for four hours and deleting his number as means to regain some semblance of power over the situation isn't good (note - it's not the length of time but rather the intention which is culpable). And of course, do not accuse him of cheating without any tangible evidence to support that. That's unfair.

---

I think this is possibly salvageable if you two love one another. But I think it will only work if you both modify your communication expectations, and also set expectations for how to handle concerns in the relationship. E.g., a solid plan would be: (1) we should hear from each other at least once per day, through a phone call, and we should hang out in person at least once a week, (2) when one of us has a problem or concern during the relationship, the expectation is that we reach out and communicate directly - we should not pull back and be silent because doing so causes the other person anxiety. The person communicating the concern should do so respectfully over the phone or in person (not via text), and the person listening should be receptive. 

Set aside WhatsApp for Pete's sake, actually talk, set new expectations moving forward. Hopefully, the relationship is flexible enough to adapt to the new needs/wants of both parties. 

Hope this helps. 

100% all this! I actually also think that in a relationship most of the communication should actually be in person. It's better to spend a few days a week actually together than to rely on constant texting. People do also have their own life too and are allowed to have friends and their own hobbies and interests.

Edited by Tinydance
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Not to sound like a broken record but as others have said, you need actually talk, not just text back and forth.  Nobody seems to know how to communicate these days.  I used whatsapp when my fiancee lived overseas, but now that she's here, I prefer to call.  Of course, our situation is different as we are living together, but I would do that even if we weren't.  There had been an 8 hour time difference before she moved here.  Anyway, this move to only communicate via text is a huge problem in modern relationships in my opinion.  Expecting an instant response is another issue.  He sounds busy from what you said.  All that said, as others have said, you need to communicate differently.  Sounds like he is worse at it than you, and as a man, I get it because that was me.  I still struggle with it.  He needs to learn how to state what he needs in a healthy way, rather than manipulate you.  I think it could be a good idea to do couples counseling, at least for a little while.  

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You two did everything the opposite of what you're supposed to do. Seeing each other every day at the beginning is way too much. With the excitement of a new relationship, you're often on a high and want to spend every moment together. Resist that urge in the future. It's not healthy. You don't have an opportunity to miss each other. You let other areas of your life slide, such as friendships and hobbies/interests.

Your relationship started full on and regressed. Your goal should be to begin slowly, and gradually progress to new levels.

Learn from your youthful mistakes. If you're a successful student and/or employee, you won't have time for numerous texts throughout the day. Every text is an interruption, taking your focus off of studies and work. Stop that kiddish pattern and minimize inessential texts. Make a few quality texts per day. Save the rest of your communication for in person or an actual phone call when you can't be together.

Take care.

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you said you don't want to lose him. but do want what he's giving you? 

once this *** for tat game starts usually there is no going back. he is not meeting your needs. you've told him. multiple times. he's done nothing to change.

I'd dump him. honestly it should not be this hard

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