X keeps contacting me

[xoxoxolovexoxoxo]

My ex and I were together for about 6 years. I broke up with my ex around last November. We continued to talk and hangout for a few months after but then realized it wasn't healthy for either of us to be continuing communication. It felt like we were dating again even when we weren't. There were no set boundaries. (ex: he went on my phone behind my back to see if I was talking to anyone new--> I wasn't). We stopped talking for 4 months and then all of a sudden I see him at a family friends house and we say hi. It was nice, not too awkward just different. He texts me after and asks to catch up. I felt bad so we went and got dinner somewhere and it was nice talking to him like old times. However, he asked me all of these questions why I never reached out or if I had gotten with anyone else. I told him what I truly thought--> I didn't reach out out of respect. It wouldn't have been fair to him if I kept talking to him out of my own need for comfort. I also said how he never reached out to me either, why did I have to do it? I also asked him why would he have a right to know if I had been with anyone else since him, since it is none of his business anymore. He replied saying he was just curious. 

Ever since then I have been content with myself. I don't really feel the need to return to bad habits of relying on him and hanging out when I'm lonely. However, he has probably asked me to hangout about 4 or 5 times since then and I have said I'm unable to every time. I keep making excuses such as, "I'm tired" or "I have work in the morning" but, should I just be honest with him? Should I tell him that I don't think it is healthy for us to hangout or text on the phone? Or will that make things even more weird and awkward when I do see him in person at a friends? 

For some reason I feel like he expects me to want to get back together right now. He may think that the time I needed apart was long enough and I am ready to be in a relationship when in fact, it is the opposite. I like being alone. 

Last night I was thinking of this analogy--> if we were both checking off boxes from a list of qualities of the other person, I check off every single one of his boxes. I am the ideal candidate. I even check off things where there is no box (qualities he may not even realize he wants). For me, even though he checks off some important boxes of mine, I cannot help but stare at the empty boxes in which he doesn't full-fill. This is how I can easily explain how I felt for awhile in the relationship. Even though things were good, there was still something missing. I felt like I was settling. 

 

[melancholy123]

Boy you are tormenting yourself for no reason I can find.  You don't want to get back with him, he clearly doesn't appeal to you anymore.  Block and delete him!!!  You don't have to talk to him, meet with him, have anything to do with  him if you don't want to!  You are making this hard on yourself when it's not necessary.

[Pleasedonot5]

Hey, OP. 

It seems like you generally had the right idea during the break-up. You limited contact and started to move on with your life. Good.

The one thing I think you should not have done was agree to meet up and catch up with him, provided you were not at all interested in a new relationship with him. That applies even if you would have felt bad for declining. From my experience, asking to catch up is usually code for "I (might) want to get back together with you, let's chat." Perhaps by virtue of you going to that catch-up, he now has the wrong idea about your intentions and/or his chances with you.

It seems like now, he isn't getting the hint that you are not interested in being with him. You want him to get said hint, but don't want to make it awkward when you run into each other at a mutual friend's party or get-together.  You have a few options.

1. You could keep coming up with excuses and hope he eventually gets the hint
2. You could ignore the texts moving forward, or, 
3. If you feel safe doing so, you could politely and directly say something in response to his next request like, "Hey, [ex], I just wanted to let you know I am not interested in getting back together; and as such I'm not sure hanging out would be the best idea."

#1 is the least effective but probably least likely to rock the boat. #2 would probably work eventually, but he may feel disrespected. #3 would stop the texts, probably, but depending on how he is he could react coolly to you or avoid you at social gatherings as a result.

A couple of questions that may help you in deciding what to do:

• In actuality, how likely are you to run into him at a social gathering? 
• How important is it to you that he stop asking?
• How important is it to you that his feelings be spared? And lastly: 
• What option intuitively feels the best? 

___

I love the --> arrows by the way. Hope this helps.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, xoxoxolovexoxoxo said:

he has probably asked me to hangout about 4 or 5 times since then and I have said I'm unable to every time. I keep making excuses such as, "I'm tired" or "I have work in the morning" but, should I just be honest with him? Should I tell him that I don't think it is healthy for us to hangout or text on the phone? Or will that make things even more weird and awkward when I do see him in person at a friends? 

Tell him: "We have broken up and we need to start behaving as such. We cannot hang out and communicate as friends anymore."

And yes, it might be awkward when you run into him, but that's what happens we break up with someone. We have to deal with that awkwardness, and it eventually dissipates. 

But there is no sense continuing to come up with excuses not to see him. The relaitonship is already over. Remind him of that (respectfully) and stop this back-and-forth. 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, xoxoxolovexoxoxo said:

It felt like we were dating again even when we weren't. There were no set boundaries. (ex: he went on my phone behind my back to see if I was talking to anyone new--> I wasn't). We stopped talking for 4 months and then all of a sudden I see him at a family friends house and we say hi. It was nice, not too awkward just different. He texts me after and asks to catch up. I felt bad so we went and got dinner somewhere and it was nice talking to him like old times. However, he asked me all of these questions why I never reached out or if I had gotten with anyone else. I told him what I truly thought--> I didn't reach out out of respect. It wouldn't have been fair to him if I kept talking to him out of my own need for comfort. I also said how he never reached out to me either, why did I have to do it? I also asked him why would he have a right to know if I had been with anyone else since him, since it is none of his business anymore.

You already tried once, to be civil- but felt like too much.. then you go there again, saying that it was out of respect and  how he never reached out to you either?

Why are you going on like that?  When it's best that NEITHER of you speak anymore.  For your own well-being, to work on accepting it's done, to heal and move on.

And you are correct, you two are not involved.. you owe him no explanation of your personal life - but in ways, you are leading him on with the allowance of 'meeting up' again & again...

 

3 hours ago, xoxoxolovexoxoxo said:

Should I tell him that I don't think it is healthy for us to hangout or text on the phone?

Yes.  Out of respect is best you do not keep in contact so he can accept it is done.

And if not easy to try & be 'friends' with an ex unless or until you are know you are over them.

 

Sadly, it seems he his having a hard time accepting & moving on,, without you somehow/someway in his life.

BUT, is time to for him to accept this now.. and worse thing to do is lead this on any longer.

Is time to be straight with him and for it to be completely done.. until you are BOTH accepting of the fact.

Although it is hard.. it is necessary.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately, you're choosing to remain in a painful place by choosing to drag out this breakup.

When you choose to delete and block him, you'll be able to tell your therapist that at least you're trying to help yourself get better.

This is not about him. This is a battle with self defeating choices .

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Is time to be straight with him and for it to be completely done.. until you are BOTH accepting of the fact.

Yes. Sometimes you actually have to be a little mean to someone to get your point across. I don't know why, but some people need a sharp push. Otherwise, they keep trying.

[Kwothe28]

10 hours ago, xoxoxolovexoxoxo said:

For some reason I feel like he expects me to want to get back together right now. He may think that the time I needed apart was long enough and I am ready to be in a relationship when in fact, it is the opposite. I like being alone. 

 

Then just say that to him. Dont hang out and even text with him because he probably has hopes of you getting back together. Say that its best for both that you stay separated and to move on. 

[Rose Mosse]

The break up was quite awhile ago so you both shouldn't need more handholding or explanations about lack of communication. It doesn't really matter whether you're his #1 choice, he's not yours. So it let go.

I would expend the least amount of effort and mute the contact, let the messages come in but receive no notifications so you are not bothered or thinking that it's something that requires a response. If you meet him in person in social circles keep it light and friendly. 

[HeartGoesOn]

I could be way off base but my guess is, you're unsure if you want to get back together, otherwise you would have removed all means of contact.

It maybe helpful to step back and give yourself time and distance, to think this through. Also, and not to sound harsh, but if you truly want this to end you'll find a way, and if not you'll find an excuse.