Is she indirectly asking me to break up with her?

[Danny1024]

So me and my girlfriend are dating for 7 months now. We started off our relationship casually and fell in love. She would be loving, affectionate and would text me crazily and I reciprocated. We would meet nearly everyday after work, have dinner, go to the gym and stay in hotels until like 12am before going back home to sleep. We live in Hong Kong so it's tough to find a place to live together therefore we just stay with our family. Weekends we would have a blast and she would be excited to do everything with me.

 

However in the recent 2 months, she has been behaving distant with me. Why I say this is because she wouldn't text me as much and when we met, the affection, sex life and excitement went out the roof. I approached her about it plenty of times and she said she is busy with work, okay sure that is understandable. I was fine with that reason, she is a hardworking girl.

 

But later her being distant with me started to be more and more apparent even when I knew she is not at work and not busy. She would tell me that she was free at work all day but she wouldn't text me the whole day. I work as a data center engineer and basically I'm all by myself so it felt wonderful when she used to message me during my work, I didn't take it for granted. But now she couldn't be bothered about it and when I ask her why is she still not texting me even when she is not busy, she tries to change the topic or ignore the question.

 

Now I have learned that texting should not be an important part in the relationship even tho I want it to be. I accepted it. But lately, her lack of interest is showing even when we meet. We still meet nearly everyday but the experience just isn't the same. I made some mistakes of being needy with her and we talked about it and I said I will improve. I even asked her to let's take a few days break to reflect ourselves thinking that the lost of attraction she got from my neediness will be hopefully resolved if I gave her space.

 

Ultimately, bottom line is our relationship seems to be okay on the outside, we don't argue, she never gets upset with me, we still hang out regularly. But the problem is things between us are just not the same anymore. She has also been spotting flaws in me lately by indirectly testing me. I invited her to work out with me and she was on the way, later she asks me to eat before working out but I was already in the gym, so I told her I will start doing some exercises and she can eat then come and join me. she responds with, I don't need to come then I will go home. If it was the old me, I'd go running after her trying to figure out and fix her mood. This time I said, "I am not coming after you this time so you have to decide for yourself". She said okay and after 20 minutes, she showed up in the gym asking me "are you mad". I'm like no, and we continued to workout as normal.

 

P.S the passage was getting very long so I missed some details, I can tell when if needed for you to give me a more accurate advice. feel free to ask questions. 

[Rose Mosse]

It sounds dysfunctional from the start. Don't run after anyone or fix their moods. You're not a mood fixer or a chaser in a relationship. That other person comes preset and ready to go, capable and adept at regulating their own moods. If he or she is not, don't date that person. We all go through ups and downs but never attempt to fix a person's mood. Support your partner but don't seek to change what they are. 

It looks like both of you also are coming down from that high or first flush of a new romance and realizing how unrealistic those expectations are. Keep things even and neutral and don't test or manipulate each other or run after one another. Meet on equal terms. 

This will pass. Deep breaths if you feel anxious and unsure. Trust takes a long time to build so start trusting each other if this is to work or repair itself.

 

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Danny1024 said:

If it was the old me, I'd go running after her trying to figure out and fix her mood. This time I said, "I am not coming after you this time so you have to decide for yourself".

This suggests she's behaved like this before - running off and expecting you to come after her. 

Has she? It's unclear if your attempts to "fix her mood" were an established pattern in this relationship, or just with women in general. And good for you for not going. It is not your job to fix her mood, and she's immature and dramatic if she expects you to. 

[Danny1024]

8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This suggests she's behaved like this before - running off and expecting you to come after her. 

Has she? It's unclear if your attempts to "fix her mood" were an established pattern in this relationship, or just with women in general. And good for you for not going. It is not your job to fix her mood, and she's immature and dramatic if she expects you to. 

She is usually a very independent and not emotional at all. That's one of the things I like and dislike about her. But she did try to walk off like 2 times in the past while she was with me. First reason was workplace stress. Second reason was my lack of misunderstanding. I feel like I'm the only one making all the mistakes in the relationship. While I've spotted her to be texting other guys online who were apparently her admirers. one of the big mistakes I made was check her Facebook and she found out. 

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Danny1024 said:

But she did try to walk off like 2 times

 

2 minutes ago, Danny1024 said:

her to be texting other guys online who were apparently her admirers.

And yet somehow you think that you are the only one making mistakes?

 

2 minutes ago, Danny1024 said:

I feel like I'm the only one making all the mistakes in the relationship.

Where is her accountability for behaving this way? No, you should not have checked her FB. But she also should not be interacting inappropriately with other men. Nor should she be storming off when she's upset and expect you to chase after her. 

How old are you both, for reference? 

[Danny1024]

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

How old are you both, for reference? 

I am 24 and she is 25. Her reasons for those texts were "it's just a joke, he lives far away, I used to know him"

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, Danny1024 said:

I am 24 and she is 25. Her reasons for those texts were "it's just a joke, he lives far away, I used to know him"

Right. 

What was the content of these texts, exactly?

 

[Danny1024]

11 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And yet somehow you think that you are the only one making mistakes?

Yes I am old enough to be mature about relationships but I don't think I have enough experience. Not enough experience in relationships because I never really had a proper relationship. this is the first. So, she gives a reason and I think that it is normal in relationships because I have no past experience to compare with. 

[Danny1024]

Just now, MissCanuck said:

Just now, MissCanuck said:

Right. 

What was the content of these texts, exactly?

 

him: I want you to sit on my face.

her: I wish.

and others like this, it was DURING she is in relationship with me.

 

[SherrySher]

Those kinds of texts are no way appropriate for someone in a relationship.

People break up over texts like that.

It is a form of cheating.

People get confused with cheating, thinking it needs to be physical before it's considered cheating, but there is also emotional cheating.

Anytime someone allows someone else to become close to them emotionally, or romantically while they are already in a relationship, it is considered cheating.

She is behaving badly and trying to make excuses for it.

[MissCanuck]

 

5 minutes ago, Danny1024 said:

him: I want you to sit on my face.

her: I wish.

and others like this, it was DURING she is in relationship with me.

My guy. You should have dumped her right then and there. 

She has no integrity and does not respect your relationship or you. None of that is a joke and she's a jerk for trying to play it off that way. Her being distant recently is the least of your problems with this chick. 

Time to walk away, man. This isn't going to end well. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening.

Sounds like way too much way too soon.

You're spending too much time together and suffocating each other.

Go to the gym alone. Stop texting 24/7. Eat with friends and family.

Get lives outside each other.

The best approach is to get your own place. Stop living with parents and using relationships and hotels and gyms etc etc etc to escape that.

[Rose Mosse]

It sounds very one-sided and her interest is low. She may be with you because she doesn't know how to be single or on her own. Some people thrive off of the attention of the opposite sex or flirting or need it to validate themselves. If this isn't what you hoped for in a partner, end it. 

Just because you haven't had much experience in relationships it doesn't mean you settle for dribs and drabs. If something is missing don't force it. 

[catfeeder]

She sounds bored. What do people do when they're bored? They stir up trouble.

You get to decide whether this is good enough for you.

BTW--going forward, I wouldn't see someone every. day. That's suffocating. 

[smackie9]

This is pretty typical of the infatuation wearing off. You don't have to have a bad relationship with arguments to have one end. Sometimes the interest wanes and it's simply has run it's course. So yes I would say she doesn't have the ba%$# to end it. Stop hanging on, the writing is on the wall this is over.

[Danny1024]

On 6/28/2021 at 6:04 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.

Sounds like way too much way too soon.

You're spending too much time together and suffocating each other.

Go to the gym alone. Stop texting 24/7. Eat with friends and family.

Get lives outside each other.

The best approach is to get your own place. Stop living with parents and using relationships and hotels and gyms etc etc etc to escape that.

You are not wrong about spending too much time together, although we used to enjoy this daily dates and were both excited about them. Now the excitement is wearing off and we both feel that, even mentioned to each other indirectly.

I did ask her if shre needs space from meeting everyday and she says she is fine with it. Sure if she is okay I am too cuz I got too much energy.

[Danny1024]

On 6/29/2021 at 2:46 AM, Rose Mosse said:

She may be with you because she doesn't know how to be single or on her own. Some people thrive off of the attention of the opposite sex or flirting or need it to validate themselves.

It is very possible since she does not have many friends so it is just work and home for her without me. She is also making some female friends lately and telling me about them, maybe  she is trying to slowly get rid of me hahah. Eitherway, I will find out soon

[Danny1024]

On 6/29/2021 at 11:45 AM, catfeeder said:

You get to decide whether this is good enough for you.

I am constantly analyzing and trying to improve the relationship but every man got a limit to their patience. Not gonna lie I am being very patient but if this keeps going and I am stuck between her troubling me emotionallly and going back to being single, I will choose single and reevaluate this relationship.

Quote

BTW--going forward, I wouldn't see someone every. day. That's suffocating. 

I am with you on this. It is tiring yet fun yet addictive. The more you indulge into it, the more it is hard to go back to your previous routine so what happens next is you are attacked from all sides and there seems to be no way out. Best way is to always keep close to the exit door and bring her close to it instead of you going to her.

[Rose Mosse]

What do you mean attacked from all sides? This seems extreme. You're only dating so give it more time and space if you enjoy each others' company. Don't keep running after her. Dating is also not about staying close to the exit door. Part of it is however knowing how to exit if things aren't working out. Share your heart and your life with someone but don't forget your own needs or goals. Good luck. 

[Danny1024]

1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

What do you mean attacked from all sides? This seems extreme. You're only dating so give it more time and space if you enjoy each others' company. Don't keep running after her. Dating is also not about staying close to the exit door. Part of it is however knowing how to exit if things aren't working out. Share your heart and your life with someone but don't forget your own needs or goals. Good luck. 

It is extreme to me, I had deeply fallen for her and really got struck emotionally when these issues arised. But I have given myself time and meditated over it so now I am much more in control of myself. She does not know about any of this, to her, things happened and we are moving on now. I am sure that is the right way to be if this relationship have chances to be improved. I keep myself in control, stopped chasing her, mirroring her texting style and frequency, balancing the imtimacy and interest levels when we meet each other etc. Let's see how this boils down.

 

About the exit door, I say this because I went in the relationship far too deep and made it my toppest priority, then when these little issues happened, they were huge for me.

 

 

[Rose Mosse]

2 minutes ago, Danny1024 said:

It is extreme to me, I had deeply fallen for her and really got struck emotionally when these issues arised. But I have given myself time and meditated over it so now I am much more in control of myself. She does not know about any of this, to her, things happened and we are moving on now. I am sure that is the right way to be if this relationship have chances to be improved. I keep myself in control, stopped chasing her, mirroring her texting style and frequency, balancing the imtimacy and interest levels when we meet each other etc. Let's see how this boils down.

 

About the exit door, I say this because I went in the relationship far too deep and made it my toppest priority, then when these little issues happened, they were huge for me.

Wonderful. Thanks for explaining. I understand what you mean. That's good that you're keeping it measured. Spend time with friends and family and on your own too. You have to cultivate other areas of your life - work, school, hobbies? I hope this works out.

[Danny1024]

8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Wonderful. Thanks for explaining. I understand what you mean. That's good that you're keeping it measured. Spend time with friends and family and on your own too. You have to cultivate other areas of your life - work, school, hobbies? I hope this works out.

Thank you for the reassurance! It helps when I am reassured that I am taking the right actions. Otherwise, I am just battling with my thoughts. I hope it works out too, thanks