11 year relationship, is divorce the right thing to do?

[Anonymous]

We have been together for 11 years, married for 2 years. I've been with him since I was 19 (I am 30 now) - he was 23 (35 now). 

Since the beginning of our relationship, there were definitely red flags (jealousy/controlling/anger, etc). We constantly fought a lot, there were toxic times. On the same token - we also had a lot of good times. We travelled a bit. We grew individually. Our communication got WAY better. Our relationship improved in all aspects - I was happy we stuck it out. Our families love one another. We both experienced growing into adulthood together. This was stressful at times as I expected - as we were trying to figure ourselves out as individuals.

We matured, both became nurses 6 years in our relationship. 11 years later, we now are BOTH back in school - out of state, living together, no children. This was our BIGGEST goal - and we definitely could not have done it without the help & support of one another (financial, emotional, etc). We have benefitted from being together and supporting one another in all aspects. The ONLY issue we have - is we can't seem to break our vicious cycle of 'how we argue'. 

When arguing - we are unable to see one another's perception. We attack each other's character relentlessly. and just recently, there was an episode of name-calling, cursing at me, all of the above. This is NOT the 1st time, and hasnt happened in a while/months. So it took me by surprise when he did that. I immediately filed for divorce - without much conversation - because it would just become an escalated argument. 

My reasoning for a divorce: We've had COUNTLESS conversations on respect. we have broken our wedding vows. I figured if there's been no change in 11 years regarding how we argue - there won't be much change now as we are adults and expect we know WAY better than when we were 19 & 23. I think we are owed a break - and see that it's true that we just bring the worse out of one another. We have worked endlessly on our relationship but feel there is no longer hope. I feel like I have said & done EVERYTHING I couldve possibly done in our 11 years. 

I am open to outsiders' views on this situation without judgement. As it is hard to fully paint the picture of my relationship. There is the question in the back of my mind saying, "did I do the right thing?" =/

But more so -  Maybe if someone has gone thru this before (leaving a long-term relationship), I would like some advice on how to separate as peaceful as possible. He has since then, apologized. And understands why I'd like a separation and is agreeable to it. But says will work on getting me back with the understanding of giving us a break. 

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post! Have a lovely day ❤️ 

[Batya33]

What kind of counseling if any have you done in the past and have you considered counseling? Why did you wait so long to marry (I realize you were 19 when you met him; on the other hand I have several friends who married then/in their early 20s)

[LaHermes]

A short while ago you said:

"Hi so my boyfriend and I've been together and I've been noticing something while reading our old chats.

5 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

We have been together for 11 years, married for 2 years.

So now you are married!  Which is it OP?  

 

[MelF]

@Batya33Hi! thanks for reading my story. 

We have only done counseling via video calls, but were inconsistent. But honestly, did not feel it worked - apart from the inconsistency. Marriage took a while due to finance (we were saving up for a big wedding which never happened). We decided to go back to school w/ the $$ we saved & had a small beach wedding finally. But also it took all those years because - I honestly felt reluctant to marriage in the first place with our history of how we argued, as well as family pressures which put a bitter taste in the name of marriage or wedding. 

[Batya33]

Just now, MelF said:

@Batya33Hi! thanks for reading my story. 

We have only done counseling via video calls, but were inconsistent. But honestly, did not feel it worked - apart from the inconsistency. Marriage took a while due to finance (we were saving up for a big wedding which never happened). We decided to go back to school w/ the $$ we saved & had a small beach wedding finally. But also it took all those years because - I honestly felt reluctant to marriage in the first place with our history of how we argued, as well as family pressures which put a bitter taste in the name of marriage or wedding. 

I don't buy at all that wanting a big party delayed marriage all those years.  People who want to get married get married and have the party later.  Especially if it's been years.  I think you didn't marry because of the real reason -you doubted it would be a good decision to make that sort of commitment.  Of course inconsistent counseling isn't going to work. 

What I would do -since there are no children especially -chalk this up to a mistake you made in getting married given all your doubts -notice how quickly you filed for divorce without putting 100% into going to counseling (no I don't trivialize him yelling at you of course and at the same time it sounds like you married him knowing his propsensities so my impression is you were looking for a way out)  -get the divorce since you're not all in as far as doing real counseling - you say you've worked hard on your relationship and yet you wouldn't do counseling in any real way and you prioritized a big party over committing to him in marriage. You might still want to be his casual girlfriend (which wouldn't be a good idea but just saying) but you're not all in and you're not seriously committed anymore.  

[Rose Mosse]

18 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

My reasoning for a divorce: We've had COUNTLESS conversations on respect. we have broken our wedding vows. I figured if there's been no change in 11 years regarding how we argue - there won't be much change now as we are adults and expect we know WAY better than when we were 19 & 23. I think we are owed a break - and see that it's true that we just bring the worse out of one another. We have worked endlessly on our relationship but feel there is no longer hope. I feel like I have said & done EVERYTHING I couldve possibly done in our 11 years.  

Divorce is emotional and difficult. I don't think anyone can be prepared for it no matter how much you actually do prepare for it or have all the support a person might need. It won't shield you from the emotional devastation or backlash of memories. My only advice is to take things in stride and don't allow your emotions to get to you. When you feel overwhelmed, take a time out to yourself and re-configure, rethink what your reasons were for starting the divorce. 

Treat a break up as final. Going back and forth and taking breaks just hurts people more in the long run. If you thought that divorcing your partner was a straight and easy cakewalk, think again. It never is. It's humbling and it'll also teach you more about yourself and what you hope for in a partner in the future. 

Take a time out - stop communicating with your ex. If you're angry and resentful, work on that with a therapist. Rebounding or going back to an unhealthy relationship is not the answer. Think very carefully going forward what you'd like for yourself and then go out and get it/do all the things you need to do to release yourself from this. 

[Seraphim]

I would just get divorced and move on. 

[MelF]

Thank you all! It is good to hear from outside perspectives. 

[MelF]

@LaHermesnow sure where you got that quote from. 

[Wiseman2]

Did you file for divorce or agree to move out with a legal separation?

As you know, abusive relationships are cyclical.

That means this this will continue.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, LaHermes said:

A short while ago you said:

"Hi so my boyfriend and I've been together and I've been noticing something while reading our old chats.

The anonymous feature is very confusing. User names are anonymous anyway.

Did you mean this "anonymous" poster?

 

[redswim30]

You've been together since you were kids.   You can like someone, you can love someone, you can be friends with someone and someone can even be very helpful at times when you need them- HOWEVER, this all STILL does not mean that you are compatible in the long term or that you can live together harmoniously forever. 

11 years is more than sufficient time to see if your relationship is capable of growth or change.  Repeated past behavior is the BEST indicator of future repeated behavior. 

I too married my childhood sweetheart.  It was hard to get divorced and let all that history go, but it was the right thing to do and we are both happier and with partners much better suited to us both. 

The thing is- it's not JUST "how you fight"- because how you fight also gets into how you communicate.  How you communicate can make or break a relationship.  Sometimes when we are with someone too long (especially as kids) we stifle our own growth.  You're both stuck in your same childhood patterns which ultimately makes you wrong for each other in the long-term.  You're holding onto the nostalgia of the relationship and not enjoying the current relationship.  

It sounds like you just aren't in love with each other anymore, and that's okay. Sometimes relationships come into our lives when we need them, they serve their intended purpose and then it's time for us to move on.  There's nothing wrong or shameful in that.  It's nice that your families like each other, but that's no reason to stay married.  Those people aren't IN the marriage and the only opinions that matter is who is IN the marriage. 

Remember, it's not about blame.  Sometimes you can both be doing everything you can, and at the end of the day, you are still incompatible.  Contrary to what a lot of movies tell us, you don't have to hate someone when you break up or get divorced.  And even when you KNOW it's the right thing for you both, it's still hard when you have all that history. 

I remember when I got divorced, it was very hard even though I KNEW it was the right thing for us both, it was still painful.  In the moment, it was hard to walk away from all that history and you listen to people say stuff like, " If you loved each other once, you can again"- but it's not that simple.  Marriages are about more than "feelings".   I had moments of doubt, it's hard to let go of something that's been part of your life for SO long.  But ultimately, I'm very glad that I did and was brave enough to let go.  I am so much happier now in my current marriage and my ex is much happier now in his.  And I don't have any bitterness about it.  We were part of each other's lives when we needed to be until it wasn't serving us anymore- and we moved on.  And yes, part of it is sad- but the happiness that has come since has been more than worth it. 

So, in case it isn't clear- Yes, I think you should move forward with the divorce.  Even if your husband "wins you back"- trust me on this (cause I went thru the exact SAME THING)- that joy will be short-lived and before you know it, you will slip back into your same old patterns.  Time for you both to move on. 

GOOD LUCK!!!! 

 

[Lambert]

Fighting dirty (name calling, personal attacks, low blows & bringing up past resolved arguments) should be a deal breaker. Not an invitation to go lower back.

If he or you or both argue to win, as opposed to find a mutually acceptable compromise, then this is your marriage. 

The thing is you both have to agree to not do this to each other and stick to it. 

"he'll work to win you back" is a flowery, emotional manipulation. It means give me more time to do my same bs. while you get your hopes up and continue to ride this drama train.

In your shoes, I would start therapy on my own.  if it doesn't seem to help, find another doctor. Sharing a philosophy for your care with a doctor may take some shopping around.

Therapists are not one size fits all. keep interviewing them. tell them flat out, I'm looking for a therapist, what is your philosophy for patient care. How do see therapy as a tool for person healing and growth?

 Think through your own goals for therapy.  Find a doctor that you trust their path forward with your goals in mind. Commit to that plan. learn how to communicate & set boundaries with a partner. 

I think in the long run, you'll find you were not growing as much as you thought.  You were stagnant and this relationship ending is/was the catalyst to becoming the person you want to be. ultimately making a better match in the future. 

 

[smackie9]

I'm curious....what specifically do you argue about?

[melancholy123]

Before you throw in the towel, some counselling could really help both of you.