I don’t know what to do in this situation with my ex

[Guest]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Don't think you made a huge mistake, think you were just being you and the two of you were incompatible. When we have different expectations, we can collide. Things were out of balance, which happens. it ended for a reason.

You over analyze. It doesn't have to be this difficult. Contact her, say hi, take it from there. If it doesn't work oh well that is the kick in the pants you need to drop this.

I guess this is what is so conflicting, I’m overthinking but yet I don’t want to contact her. I need to know exactly what her motive is, and I just feel like she should acknowledge that she also made just as bad of a mistake. If she wants to get back, then she need to prove something. 

[Guest]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Nope.  You always have a choice.  No one "uncontrollably" says anything.  You chose to be nasty to her and when she'd had enough, she was nasty to you right back.

You seem convinced she wants to get back together but won't specify why.  I mean, is it her calling you by name on a social media post?  Or is it something obscure like she said she bought a blue shirt and your favorite color is blue so that means she wants to get back together?  

I just wanted to know that her actions will have consequences too. I was always the bad guy and so therefore I’m always the one asking for another chance. Now if she’s serious then it’s her turn. But I haven’t seen much “sincerity” yet. 

[Guest]

On 6/23/2021 at 1:21 PM, SooSad33 said:

You vented your anger out at her.. more than once..because you 'had it with her'.

 

Nah, I think she did, at one point.

 

But you did.. hurt her.. in other ways.

 

Just as 'immature' as you've been?

 

'low key hints'?  You both messed things up...

You're ticked off as is she.  How about you leave this all alone?

You ignore. you avoid.. in order to get over all of this.  Less you know the better.  You leave it be now.. Move on.

So, try stopping comparing... work through the effects of that that relationship had on you.  Then, you work on moving ahead.

 

 

Would you give her another chance if she decided to get back? How big of a fault would you say she had in this? 

[smackie9]

12 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I guess this is what is so conflicting, I’m overthinking but yet I don’t want to contact her. I need to know exactly what her motive is, and I just feel like she should acknowledge that she also made just as bad of a mistake. If she wants to get back, then she need to prove something. 

The only way she can do that is you to contact her. You are not obligated to start a friendship or any kind of relationship. If you are as mature/grown up as you say you are, then be forward with her. Contact her and start the conversation. Everyone knows issues/problems get solved by communication.

[lionheart153]

It sounds like neither of you have grown really and probably means you shouldn't get back together.

You mentioned in one of your post that it was her handling of the relationship that caused you to lash out. Seems like you're still not accepting your part in the break up. Whether you want to want to keep holding on to how she "hurt" you is one thing but I would guess many people would see that as justifiably based on you being also immature and lashing out.

If she is so called giving "hints", which I think is really you grasping at straws because you haven't moved on because lets face it if you can't forgive someone you would have enough self respect to just walk away, then she hasn't matured either as you both seem toxic in the relationship. If what she did was that bad I don't think you'd be on here seeking for someone to say "yes forgive her and get back together" because that's what you want, hence not moved on. 

I get it if you guys are maybe in your 30's and have kids and a family and want to work it out for them, but unless I missed something, I think this is the perfect time to work on yourself and meet someone new. And I believe you don't have to be perfect to be with someone new, you can grow with them to. 

[Rose Mosse]

22 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I completely understand. And I will never ever run my mouth like that again. I really have became a much better person ever since the breakup. I have to say, I truly did learn a lot from our relationship. It has shaped me into a better person despite the bitter ending. Apologies for not disclosing what she said to me, but it was nothing actually insulting nor degrading. She’s not that kind of person, unlike me. But her method of hurting me is to play with my emotions/feelings towards her. For example years back we got into an argument, and she would on purpose say hurtful things like “I never loved you anyways, and I don’t care to know when your birthday is” (even though none of it is true) but this time, boy did she escalate her words. It was just another whole new level. But I really agree with what you said. That I should actually deconstruct rather than self destruct. Which is what I’ve been doing nearly everyday. There’s definitely a lot to work on. And hopefully I can figure somethings out and look at everything differently. Because right now it’s just a whole bunch of emotional mess that I’m in. I really need to sort it out. Like you said, how can it have such a deep cut on me. Thank you so much for helping me analyze, it surely was helpful. 

Mmmm I agree with Lionheart. Take a time out, do some thinking and living. Take a break. Staying in contact with an ex is usually a bad idea so adjust that if it's not working from you or if you find yourself seeing hints like a mirage (ie. they are actually not hints, just breadcrumbs like a little guano trail). It takes a lot of effort, commitment and being on the same page, communication and mutual respect to reconcile again with an ex and I don't think you both are on the same page. There is far too much resentment and hurt, also a non-acceptance of each other on a very deep level. 

Be free.. lose any social media contact or phone contact with her if that's what it takes. Don't look back, fly free!

[boltnrun]

Just because you're "not like that anymore" doesn't mean she's obligated to get back together with you.

I'm still curious how long ago all this happened. Last month? Last year? Five years ago?

[Guest]

5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

The only way she can do that is you to contact her. You are not obligated to start a friendship or any kind of relationship. If you are as mature/grown up as you say you are, then be forward with her. Contact her and start the conversation. Everyone knows issues/problems get solved by communication.

I totally understand that I’m not obligated for force myself into anything. I guess I’m a little mad that she won’t actually just come to me and talk it out. If you’re gonna start something, make your intentions clear and keep up with it. No I’m not going to play games and pretend I don’t know what’s going on, I cannot just accept her like that. I’ve tried fighting for her and she had no response. Now if she’s regretting her decisions then she needs to put in the work. Not by me contacting her. 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Just because you're "not like that anymore" doesn't mean she's obligated to get back together with you.

I'm still curious how long ago all this happened. Last month? Last year? Five years ago?

What part makes you think that she’s obligated? Hello, she’s the one trying to contact me? This thread is going in a weird direction. And it bothers me how much you want me to disclose the “hints” that she’s giving me. I’m not sure what’s up with that. I’m not here to ask for any sort of “validation”. That’s my ex, I know her. I don’t need to give anymore explanation. While I appreciate all the help you’re trying to give, try to respect that privacy. Or else I’m not sure what your intentions really are? That wasn’t even related to the main question I’m asking, so why are you all invested in it??? More than I do it seems like. 

[Guest]

3 hours ago, lionheart153 said:

It sounds like neither of you have grown really and probably means you shouldn't get back together.

You mentioned in one of your post that it was her handling of the relationship that caused you to lash out. Seems like you're still not accepting your part in the break up. Whether you want to want to keep holding on to how she "hurt" you is one thing but I would guess many people would see that as justifiably based on you being also immature and lashing out.

If she is so called giving "hints", which I think is really you grasping at straws because you haven't moved on because lets face it if you can't forgive someone you would have enough self respect to just walk away, then she hasn't matured either as you both seem toxic in the relationship. If what she did was that bad I don't think you'd be on here seeking for someone to say "yes forgive her and get back together" because that's what you want, hence not moved on. 

I get it if you guys are maybe in your 30's and have kids and a family and want to work it out for them, but unless I missed something, I think this is the perfect time to work on yourself and meet someone new. And I believe you don't have to be perfect to be with someone new, you can grow with them to. 

Thanks. One of the questions I really wanted to know was whether her actions are justifiable in other people’s opinions. But now it really seems like it is justifiable. Even though it really is a different kind of hurt……trust me. It wasn’t just words anymore, it was on an attack on an emotional level.

 

I’m not sure which part give off the vibe of seeming like I want to get back with her. I’m pretty sure in the original post I said I don’t (a lot of people should pay more attention to my writing, it’s really getting frustrating) 

 

I guess in the end I do have to admit my regret of hurting her, and now that I’m talking about it more, there is a sense of guilty because it seems like I’m trying to justify her actions when ironically I don’t want to? I feel so conflicted. 
 

would you say that if she was mature enough and has grown significantly, then she wouldn’t be playing hinting games with me and act all shy and would just straight up and communicate with me like adults do? Because elect she honest, there’s things that we need to work out. And I see that you’re assuming this is all some sort of wishful thinking. I mean that’s fine. Everybody can believe what they want (especially when I didn’t disclose what those hints are) 

[smackie9]

So it's a Mexican stand off. She won't, You won't. So I say dismiss it all together and move on with yur life.

[Guest]

19 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

So it's a Mexican stand off. She won't, You won't. So I say dismiss it all together and move on with yur life.

I guess so 🙂

[Lambert]

Having read through this thread... I just wanted to add: 

Hints mean nothing. Even when they are in some special code only the two of you understand. 

love & true commitment to a person is not expressed in little games... which is what hints are.

Watch yourself reading into things. You only know your side.  Regardless of what you "think" you know. 

Set a standard for yourself regarding other people's behavior and don't let anyone jerk you around aka control your emotions.  

See those 'hints' for what they are, lame, wishy-washy attempts to either control you or stroke her ego.  Nothing good comes from hints.  It's an easy way to play someone and then claim they read into it on their own.

[Guest]

I had gone through a similar thing where I hurt my ex real bad for leaving her when it mattered the most. But then I tried reconciling with her where she initiated to give a chance then backed off then I tried harder to fix the issues that caused the relationship to end but later on some guy came on and she started liking that guy. We had arguments over it where she grew in confidence once she got a new guy and started saying all hurtful things to move on.. she just never met and gave a chance literally to ever reconcile. I still hope to see her someday she wished me happy birthday and asked to meet I agreed but later she canceled it. Im just confused how long or should I even wait for her because I really wanted it to work

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, smackie9 said:

So it's a Mexican stand off. She won't, You won't. So I say dismiss it all together and move on with yur life.

I was going to say the same thing. 

When one or both parties refuses to act, it usually means that one (or both) doesn't actually want to reconcile but they just like knowing the other does. It feels good on the ol' ego. 

Nothing to work with in that case, OP. 

[lionheart153]

On 6/25/2021 at 2:40 PM, Guest Anonymous said:

Thanks. One of the questions I really wanted to know was whether her actions are justifiable in other people’s opinions. But now it really seems like it is justifiable. Even though it really is a different kind of hurt……trust me. It wasn’t just words anymore, it was on an attack on an emotional level.

 

I’m not sure which part give off the vibe of seeming like I want to get back with her. I’m pretty sure in the original post I said I don’t (a lot of people should pay more attention to my writing, it’s really getting frustrating) 

 

I guess in the end I do have to admit my regret of hurting her, and now that I’m talking about it more, there is a sense of guilty because it seems like I’m trying to justify her actions when ironically I don’t want to? I feel so conflicted. 
 

would you say that if she was mature enough and has grown significantly, then she wouldn’t be playing hinting games with me and act all shy and would just straight up and communicate with me like adults do? Because elect she honest, there’s things that we need to work out. And I see that you’re assuming this is all some sort of wishful thinking. I mean that’s fine. Everybody can believe what they want (especially when I didn’t disclose what those hints are) 

I would imagine most people on here assumes you want to get back with her as you are asking for help on how to deal with her. Maybe you have not out right said you do or maybe you even mentioned that you don't but just the fact that you are thinking way to much about her to the point that you are seeking relationship advice online would imply something else. Otherwise if you really had no thoughts about getting back together, why would this even be more than a blip in your day? 

Honestly move on, no matter how long a relationship was, never means you or they owe it anything. Take the good memories and enjoy them, and the sad and angry ones as learning moments.