I don’t know what to do in this situation with my ex

[Anonymous]

what would be the “better” next step for me in this relationship?

Hey everyone, so I’ll go over briefly on what has mainly happened in this relationship of mine with my ex-girlfriend. So my ex-girlfriend broke up with me quite awhile ago, and I have to admit it, I was being very immature and rude to her at the time. I foolishly vented out my anger and frustration towards her by saying some really degrading and nasty things to her, I’ve done it before, but I guess she just really had it last time. And I have to say, that time definitely was the worst of all times. I really had it with her, but it definitely was the wrong way to express it. I’ve learned my lesson now. I’m definitely not like that anymore. And I can definitely understand how terrible that felt. So I tried getting back together with her after a period of no contact, hoping she might’ve calmed down. But turns out, she definitely did not. She actually had revenge in mind, and although what she said to me was definitely nothing insulting or anything like that, but she said something that would stab straight through my heart. That messed with my emotions. She used my feelings towards her as a leverage. She didn’t care at all. So that really really got to me. I mean it really got me. I would’ve never imagined those words popping out of her mouth so easily like that, and I would never do something like that. I mean I understand I hurt her really bad, and she really had enough, but trying to break my heart into pieces the way she can never imagine in return is not the way to work it out. And I did not expect it. I even told my coworker about it and even he admits that it wasn’t right. It’s just straight immature. But still, I tried getting her back after a little while, and this time there was no response from her at all, no matter how hard I tried. And so I thought, ok, I will stop then. I can’t lose anymore self respect just to try to get you back. I wronged you, but if you aren’t willing to even think about it, then I guess it’s fine. So I tried to move on. It was so hard, but I had to. And then awhile later, I notice she started low-key very subtlety giving me hints and she might still be interested. I’ve been ignoring it. 

To be honest, we were all so young back then, I don’t know about her, but I’ve since then grown so much, I can say I’m a grown man now. Not an immature little boy anymore. There’s a lot of mistakes that can be avoided now if I’m in a relationship. But I cannot forgive her for saying something like that, I cannot forget it. It’s there like a permanent mark. It hurts so much that I just want to avoid her at all cost. 

I’m just curious what do you think of this situation? Would forgiving be the right thing to do? Does she deserve it? Would you consider getting back with her? I feel so conflicted and trapped in my emotions. Thanks everyone. I just want to make the right decisions and release myself from pain and torture. But I don’t know what to do.

And sorry for such long reply. I just want to get it out of me as well. Ever since the breakup, I’ve enjoyed being alone and didn’t have the mood to make any new friends, and my family has been in distress lately as well. So I really have not much people to talk to. Thank you so much for reading and helping.

 

[boltnrun]

You can forgive her. But why try yet again to get back together? Clearly this is not the right woman for you. And certainly there are other lovely young women you could date.

Tell your ego to hop in the back seat and tell your competitive side to ride back there as well. You don't need to "win" her. 

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

You can forgive her. But why try yet again to get back together? Clearly this is not the right woman for you. And certainly there are other lovely young women you could date.

Tell your ego to hop in the back seat and tell your competitive side to ride back there as well. You don't need to "win" her. 

Thanks for the reply! It’s really ironic because as much as she “isn’t the perfect woman” for me, the connection I had with her I can’t find it on anybody else. I’ve tried. So that’s why I would love some advice. I don’t know if I’m making the best decision. 

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Thanks for the reply! It’s really ironic because as much as she “isn’t the perfect woman” for me, the connection I had with her I can’t find it on anybody else. I’ve tried. So that’s why I would love some advice. I don’t know if I’m making the best decision. 

You're keeping yourself connected to her. That's why you can't connect with anyone else.

How about you forgive yourself? Maybe you made mistakes in the relationship but you don't deserve a life sentence.

[Lambert]

You can forgive her but that doesn't mean you welcome her back in your life. 

And frankly, it didn't sound like that was even an option. Did I miss something? 

You might have to try to find better for a long time... just because it hasn't happened, doesn't mean it won't...

Regarding what she said.  You might feel it was a really low blow and be upset but how do you know what you said was not as equally bad to her? 

Sounds like you can dish it out, but not take it. 

Consider why you are so focused on her. When you should be focused on you. 

The past is over. Change your perspective. Look forward. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Annd now you realize the "connection" you had with her was special. Well, it's too late. You missed your train. You should've realized it before saying whatever nasty stuff you've said to her before.

You need to move on and let go. Work on yourself and make sure to treat the next lady well.

Totally agree with @Lambert

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I was being very immature and rude to her at the time. I foolishly vented out my anger and frustration towards her by saying some really degrading and nasty things to her, I’ve done it before, but I guess she just really had it last time. And I have to say, that time definitely was the worst of all times. I really had it with her, but it definitely was the wrong way to express it.

You vented your anger out at her.. more than once..because you 'had it with her'.

 

3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

hoping she might’ve calmed down. But turns out, she definitely did not. She actually had revenge in mind, and although what she said to me was definitely nothing insulting or anything like that, but she said something that would stab straight through my heart. That messed with my emotions. She used my feelings towards her as a leverage. She didn’t care at all.

Nah, I think she did, at one point.

 

3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

So that really really got to me. I mean it really got me. I would’ve never imagined those words popping out of her mouth so easily like that, and I would never do something like that.

But you did.. hurt her.. in other ways.

 

3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

trying to break my heart into pieces the way she can never imagine in return is not the way to work it out. And I did not expect it. I even told my coworker about it and even he admits that it wasn’t right. It’s just straight immature.

Just as 'immature' as you've been?

 

3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

’m just curious what do you think of this situation? Would forgiving be the right thing to do

'low key hints'?  You both messed things up...

You're ticked off as is she.  How about you leave this all alone?

3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I just want to make the right decisions and release myself from pain and torture. But I don’t know what to do.

You ignore. you avoid.. in order to get over all of this.  Less you know the better.  You leave it be now.. Move on.

2 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

the connection I had with her I can’t find it on anybody else. I’ve tried.

So, try stopping comparing... work through the effects of that that relationship had on you.  Then, you work on moving ahead.

 

 

[daryan12s]

I would not try to get this relationship back. Think of this relationship as honey agaric. You have gained experience, understood how you can behave in a relationship and how you should not behave. You better channel all your aspirations and start new and strong relationships. Good luck to you!

[Rose Mosse]

This likely has nothing to do with her. It's what she said that hurt you and still has influence over the way you feel /think about the relationship. Have you considered therapy and unpacking the heart or crux of what she said to you? It is obviously uncomfortable enough not to repeat on a forum anonymously so you don't have to repeat it but it's not about her. It's that thing she said and what it meant and how it hurt you. Maybe it broke down some part of your identity or the way you see yourself. 

 

[Guest]

23 hours ago, Lambert said:

You can forgive her but that doesn't mean you welcome her back in your life. 

And frankly, it didn't sound like that was even an option. Did I miss something? 

You might have to try to find better for a long time... just because it hasn't happened, doesn't mean it won't...

Regarding what she said.  You might feel it was a really low blow and be upset but how do you know what you said was not as equally bad to her? 

Sounds like you can dish it out, but not take it. 

Consider why you are so focused on her. When you should be focused on you. 

The past is over. Change your perspective. Look forward. 

Yes she has been subtlety giving hints that she is still interested in this relationship. And from the 5 years I’ve been with her I know that if she is still giving hints, that means she hasn’t really moved on yet. Which is pretty surprising based on what she said the day we broke up. And yes, I definitely understand how crappy she must’ve felt when I said those nasty things to her, I was so caught up with the way she handled our relationship, she won’t change her careless attitude. 

so like I mentioned above, even after she said something so traumatizing (in a way that basically equals to saying “I never even cared about you, you’re nothing and so easily replaceable”)  I still tried to fight for her, but there was no response at all. I tried for days and days. So that’s when I realized that if this is what it has come to, then it is what it is. I tried so hard to force myself to move on. It was one of the toughest time of my life. But later on I system getting busy, I was so focused on my job and everything else, she seems to have slightly faded out of my mind. The extremely deep wound that she has caused me in my heart has temporarily been covered up. But then out of nowhere, she starts giving me all these hints on social media. Which makes me even more unhappy. It felt like she couldn’t even find the courage/be brave enough that she can just straight up come and communicate with me instead. Maybe she felt just as guilty, that’s why she’s testing the waters. But I just cannot forgive what she said. I don’t know what she has to do if she wants to get back with me, it might be impossible. And it might be hard enough that she will just give up. But I hate how I’m being dragged into this emotional conflict/mess again. I just felt like we really could’ve had something. But I don’t see how that’s gonna work out. And how I’m gonna forgive her. I really don’t think what I said is equally as bad. Her method of saying hurtful things is to play with your emotions and feelings. And I don’t think there’s anything more scary than that. 

[boltnrun]

What "hints on social media"?  What are these "hints"?  Does she name you directly?

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

This likely has nothing to do with her. It's what she said that hurt you and still has influence over the way you feel /think about the relationship. Have you considered therapy and unpacking the heart or crux of what she said to you? It is obviously uncomfortable enough not to repeat on a forum anonymously so you don't have to repeat it but it's not about her. It's that thing she said and what it meant and how it hurt you. Maybe it broke down some part of your identity or the way you see yourself. 

 

You’re so spot on. What she said was simply powerful enough to make me feel like such a worthless piece of garbage. That I was someone so easily replaceable, and that she never even cared about the 5 years that we were together. And that my feelings has no impact on her. I guess I just can’t believe that she can really say something like that. I know she loved me, and I know she deeply cared for me. So I just don’t understand. “How can she” is the question. 

[boltnrun]

My ex called me a crack wh*re.  Even though I've never touched crack in my life.  He was drunk, but that's no excuse.  I've never forgotten that.  So I get it, some things are impossible to come back from.

[Rose Mosse]

2 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

You’re so spot on. What she said was simply powerful enough to make me feel like such a worthless piece of garbage. That I was someone so easily replaceable, and that she never even cared about the 5 years that we were together. And that my feelings has no impact on her. I guess I just can’t believe that she can really say something like that. I know she loved me, and I know she deeply cared for me. So I just don’t understand. “How can she” is the question. 

Well how could you say the things you did to her too. Those count for something also. You were both hurtful, toxic and unhealthy for each other. Best not to play victim. Find the heart of the matter "worthless piece of garbage", deconstruct and rebuild the way you see yourself . That's what you should do, not keep ruminating or reliving the past.

When I say deconstruct and rebuild I mean it literally. Actually take those words and examine what they mean to you. The knee jerk reaction is to be offended and recoil, shoving it under the carpet or in a box marked X with stranger danger all over it and barbed wire. The thing to do is actually open it and examine it and see why those particular words she said cut so deep and what effect it actually has on your psyche in the first place. If she called you a worthless bag, are you worthless? Do you believe yourself to be worthless? Because if you don't think so what anyone else says doesn't matter, least of all some ex with no filter. 

 

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My ex called me a crack wh*re.  Even though I've never touched crack in my life.  He was drunk, but that's no excuse.  I've never forgotten that.  So I get it, some things are impossible to come back from.

Yes you are right. Not only that it’s impossible to come back from, but I’ve been beating myself up nearly everyday after the breakup. I always wonder, am I really as worthless as she made it that some words can just be thrown around like that? Am I really just that worthless to you? 

[boltnrun]

1 minute ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Yes you are right. Not only that it’s impossible to come back from, but I’ve been beating myself up nearly everyday after the breakup. I always wonder, am I really as worthless as she made it that some words can just be thrown around like that? Am I really just that worthless to you? 

If this happened within the past few weeks, maybe ruminating makes sense.  But if it was a few months ago or more and you're still beating yourself up everyday, you may have a rumination issue.  

I mean, you said awful things to her too.  Why does that not factor into your thought process?  Maybe she went for the low blow but you started it, apparently.

[Guest]

9 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Well how could you say the things you did to her too. Those count for something also. You were both hurtful, toxic and unhealthy for each other. Best not to play victim. Find the heart of the matter "worthless piece of garbage", deconstruct and rebuild the way you see yourself . That's what you should do, not keep ruminating or reliving the past.

When I say deconstruct and rebuild I mean it literally. Actually take those words and examine what they mean to you. The knee jerk reaction is to be offended and recoil, shoving it under the carpet or in a box marked X with stranger danger all over it and barbed wire. The thing to do is actually open it and examine it and see why those particular words she said cut so deep and what effect it actually has on your psyche in the first place. If she called you a worthless bag, are you worthless? Do you believe yourself to be worthless? Because if you don't think so what anyone else says doesn't matter, least of all some ex with no filter. 

 

I completely understand. And I will never ever run my mouth like that again. I really have became a much better person ever since the breakup. I have to say, I truly did learn a lot from our relationship. It has shaped me into a better person despite the bitter ending. Apologies for not disclosing what she said to me, but it was nothing actually insulting nor degrading. She’s not that kind of person, unlike me. But her method of hurting me is to play with my emotions/feelings towards her. For example years back we got into an argument, and she would on purpose say hurtful things like “I never loved you anyways, and I don’t care to know when your birthday is” (even though none of it is true) but this time, boy did she escalate her words. It was just another whole new level. But I really agree with what you said. That I should actually deconstruct rather than self destruct. Which is what I’ve been doing nearly everyday. There’s definitely a lot to work on. And hopefully I can figure somethings out and look at everything differently. Because right now it’s just a whole bunch of emotional mess that I’m in. I really need to sort it out. Like you said, how can it have such a deep cut on me. Thank you so much for helping me analyze, it surely was helpful. 

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If this happened within the past few weeks, maybe ruminating makes sense.  But if it was a few months ago or more and you're still beating yourself up everyday, you may have a rumination issue.  

I mean, you said awful things to her too.  Why does that not factor into your thought process?  Maybe she went for the low blow but you started it, apparently.

That is what I’m also trying to figure out as well. Maybe I need to change my viewpoint on everything. Maybe if I focus on myself more, than I can see things differently. 
 

regarding the nasty things I said to her…… I admit it, I extremely regret it. It makes me look like such an assh*le and it does hurt me how hurtful she must’ve felt. I guess I just didn’t know what to do, I don’t want to end our relationship but how she’s constantly acting careless towards me really breaks me. I’ve just had it. 
 

So this is why I’m really conflicted on how to react to all those “hints” that she’s been giving me. I have no idea if she’s changed and gotten much more mature like I did. But how she’s still playing the “hinting game” instead of being bold enough to actually come and talk to me makes me have doubts. 

[boltnrun]

What exactly are the "hints"?  Is she posting stuff like "I miss Anonymous.  Wish I could talk to him"?  

[Guest]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What exactly are the "hints"?  Is she posting stuff like "I miss Anonymous.  Wish I could talk to him"?  

Haha it’s not that obvious but we both get it when we give each other hints. I’m not trying to be mysterious or anything but when you’re with someone long enough you understand their every move…… and like I said, that’s also what’s concerning….. Are we really still the age to play these kinds of “mysterious giveaways” anymore? 

[smackie9]

What's wrong with just moving on with your life? I get it, this pandemic has a lot of people feeling lonely and mentally vulnerable. An old fondness/connection from the past can lure you into something that should be left alone. When there's a lack of confidence about it, being unsure, a hesitation, that's your gut warning you.

I think you should stop dwelling on it and try meeting someone new, have a fresh start without all the emotional mess.

[Guest]

45 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

What's wrong with just moving on with your life? I get it, this pandemic has a lot of people feeling lonely and mentally vulnerable. An old fondness/connection from the past can lure you into something that should be left alone. When there's a lack of confidence about it, being unsure, a hesitation, that's your gut warning you.

I think you should stop dwelling on it and try meeting someone new, have a fresh start without all the emotional mess.

If only moving on is as easy as you describe it, I’m sure there would be a lot less struggle in this world…….. 

this pandemic has nothing to do with my relationship, my feelings has to do with me being in an emotional mess. 
 

but thank you for the advice. My guts feelings has never wronged me. So I should definitely treat it as a warning. 

[Guest]

On 6/23/2021 at 11:50 AM, DarkCh0c0 said:

Annd now you realize the "connection" you had with her was special. Well, it's too late. You missed your train. You should've realized it before saying whatever nasty stuff you've said to her before.

You need to move on and let go. Work on yourself and make sure to treat the next lady well.

Totally agree with @Lambert

Yes I realize I made a huge mistake. And I was definitely too childish. But now that I think about it, if she can drive me to a point where I uncontrollably say nasty things to her (not justifying my actions here, just proving a point) then was that relationship worthy at all? But I still believe we really could had something. Maybe it was just the wrong time at the wrong place. We were both immature in some ways. But like I mentioned above, she was showing signs that she might still be interested in me, but I can’t convince myself. I don’t even know if she had changed at all. Or maybe her trying to get back is something suspicious. 

[smackie9]

Don't think you made a huge mistake, think you were just being you and the two of you were incompatible. When we have different expectations, we can collide. Things were out of balance, which happens. it ended for a reason.

You over analyze. It doesn't have to be this difficult. Contact her, say hi, take it from there. If it doesn't work oh well that is the kick in the pants you need to drop this.

[boltnrun]

26 minutes ago, Guest Anonymous said:

if she can drive me to a point where I uncontrollably say nasty things to her (not justifying my actions here, just proving a point)

Nope.  You always have a choice.  No one "uncontrollably" says anything.  You chose to be nasty to her and when she'd had enough, she was nasty to you right back.

You seem convinced she wants to get back together but won't specify why.  I mean, is it her calling you by name on a social media post?  Or is it something obscure like she said she bought a blue shirt and your favorite color is blue so that means she wants to get back together?