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Should I go to birthday party?


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So I ended up pursuing that girl that said "No" after the first date. Yes, I know that shouldnt have done that and its way out of my comfort zone. I dont do that stuff ever, I dont overreach beyond just to be with somebody. Yet, this one was kinda special. Pretty nice girl, kinda snobish(old family name here in my town, overbearing mother that kinda wants to marry her good(read "for the rich guy")), has good job, at weekends she does specialization in her field etc. Now I am not that bad myself, have a decent freelancer gig, maybe in a few months start to work in my field of education so would have 2 sources of income, my family name is good also and even have a nice house downtown, walking a lot(she likes to walk too), train Japanese Swordsmanship and am generally nice. So decided that with this one I want to try to "open her heart a bit" and to turn that "No" into "Yes"(Yes, stupid of me, I know)

Anyway, it went pretty well. We are both pretty similar in upbringing, we both finished same college(dont know her from there btw, we met over friends few months ago) and we always have something to talk about. Messages are never dry, even when she is busy(she is pretty busy in general I am more flexible because of the nature of my work) she apologizes and responds later, we called each other, saw few times over friends(same crowd of people) and 3 times alone(2 times for drinks and walks after and 1 she was alone at my home for my birthday because she wasnt in town for celebration so brought a present and stayed few hours). Most importantly, I always made sure that she knows that my intentions arent just friendly. That means flirtatious texts, compiments, even bought her flowers for one time when we got out alone. I never got too much, she was flirty over texts, in person she accepts my flirts and even has that thing when she touches you over upper arm area and says "Aw, thats beautiful". She never let it to escalate to the point of kiss though. However, she always, and I mean always, made sure that I stay there. For example, she was busy and had vacation preparations(she went with her mom), I wanted to see her beforehand, she promised but couldnt make it. I didnt want to say anything but still got 2am text how she is on the bus, sorry that she couldnt see me and that we will make it up when she comes back etc. Didnt want to message her on vacation(well because its vacation) and yet she contacts me from there. So by the time she came back I was tired of all that and decided to escalate the situation until the end.

That brings us to the last time we saw in person. It was her birthday few days ago. So we arranged to see each other to hand her a present and try to "dazzle her"(I used that over texting, she knew that I would at least try something). Bought her a nice book(wrote a dedication to her for birthday in the book) and even though I didnt know her taste in books managed to get her exactly what she wanted as that was the book her sister-in-law reccomended for her to buy. And made her an origami swan to give her and planned to sing her a bit when we are alone. So we went for a drinks and shared a french fries. We laughed and talked and was pretty great. Afterward we went for a walk by river and then she did everything to shut me down. I wanted to sit on the bench to be alone, she agreed to it but texted her friend about the birthday there. Gave her a paper swan but didnt allow me to tell her a bit about it and just said "Oh nice, will use it as page marker for a book, lets go". So I just on the way home said whats on my heart, that she is great, that we even have some deeper connection(we talked about some person at the bar we were and saw that person during walk), stuff like that. All I got was the laughter from her(must be some defense mechanism) and how I "try to make her sad for not liking me". We both got little pissy and said some stuff but we are both generally nice so we didnt escalate it. I said that her own choices are responsible for her bad love life(she is 34, hasnt got anyone in a while and what she got was pretty bad by her own admition) and she said there is 0% chances now or ever that we will be together. So I just accepted it. I really needed to move on and there is no point in pursuing somebody who never even wanted to give me the chance no matter how much I try. And I really did outdone myself over this one. Now we finally come to my dillema

She is pretty adamant, even after all it happened, that I come to her birthday party this Friday. Even after my grievances that I never got too much consolation from her aside of laughter and how I am apparently 0% in her eyes and that I need time she is adamant that I come to hang out. She has 2 separate groups of friends. One is her former snobish one, they are mostly married or in relationships, she sees them once in a while. Second is ours that she recently hangs out with. She doesnt want to mix us with them(she says because they are non-smokers) so she wants to bring them home and us in restaurant but also because I dont really think they would approve some in our company by her own admition. Our group consists of her high school friend(that she only recently hangs up with also), high school friend fiance, and basically 4 guys(one has a girlfriend also, other one is also interested over her and even maybe took her out, I really didnt care to ask, I focused on me and her, if something happened would probably heard). She invited all even though with some of them she literally talked maybe 2 sentences. I understand that she likes our group(and that her former one doesnt have time for her) and that she maybe doesnt want them to know that something is wrong between us. I also understand that by her own admition I make her laugh and that she doesnt want me to go away(also her words). But to insist on me there is really,really weird.

I can really go there. I do need a bit time but am generally fine. We have this family threat that when we get dissapointed in somebody we kinda stop carrying. So, going there, congratulating once again and hanging out with friends without even maybe interacting with her wouldnt be that hard. Plus, I dont want to pout out. She was generally nice to me(even got me fridge magnet from her vacation), so I dont hate her. Plus friends will wonder why I am not there

On the other hand, her insistance on me going is weird. I dont own her a thing, I congratulated birthday and even got her a nice present. She will understand if I cant. Plus, again, she blatantly disregards my feelings in general. Not only with her knowing my feelings and still going out but with this situation also where I didnt get anything but laugh and how I am 0% for her but still expects me to come to her birthday party because "oh everyone is gona be there, its a shame if you dont come".

Sorry on the novel. So, what do you think I should do? Or even on situation in general? 

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Well you are right, she knew you liked her and wanted to date her and she was leading you on. It sounds like she was enjoying your attention and having an admirer, plus maybe also the presents. If she's 34 and doesn't get many guys then maybe this felt good to her but that is not an excuse that she was leading you on. She shouldn't have wasted your time like that and continued to catch up and do all those things with you and accept your presents. 

I guess you could go to the party just for the sake of going. But of course you should stop pursuing her because she's not interested. If you invested half this much effort into a woman who likes you she'd probably be in love with you by now! Lol Flowers, romantic walks, book and origami swan sounds amazing! Also Japanese sword fighting sounds way cool! Even though I don't really know what that is lol

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Sorry this happened.

Seems like a long and winding road to the friendzone.

You already celebrated her bday, so why not tell her you are busy, can't make it to the party?

After the 0% speach, bow out of this completely.

You need to back away from this. For example, why sit in the sidelines at this party when you could be talking to and meeting women who are interested? 

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12 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

We both got little pissy and said some stuff but we are both generally nice so we didnt escalate it. I said that her own choices are responsible for her bad love life(she is 34, hasnt got anyone in a while and what she got was pretty bad by her own admition) and she said there is 0% chances now or ever that we will be together. So I just accepted it. I really needed to move on and there is no point in pursuing somebody who never even wanted to give me the chance no matter how much I try. And I really did outdone myself

Yup, that you did 😕 .. and I don't feel such a comment her way was necessary!

 

12 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

she blatantly disregards my feelings in general. Not only with her knowing my feelings and still going out but with this situation also where I didnt get anything but laugh and how I am 0% for her but still expects me to come to her birthday party because "

Okay, so YOU are a bit hurt.. and now your defenses are up.. because she does not feel the same.  You cannot penalize someone for that.

 

Is up to you - but don't do her any favours. IF you two are true friends, is there a reason you shouldn't go? Unless you feel out of place with your awkwardness...

Be respectful and don't give her any tude, if you do.

Edited by SooSad33
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The group sounds very image-conscious and cliquey, K. If it's not your scene, you don't have to impress anyone. Sometimes we go to events not for ourselves but for others as a show of good faith and because we're friends with that person despite the whole thing not being our cup of tea. In your case, you genuinely seemed to like her and she seems quite superficial towards you. 

Why would you want to be around a group of people like that in the first place except that you're afraid that not going will be interpreted negatively? I think you're more worried about what the town says or thinks about you than you are about her in general. You don't seem to have much respect for her anymore and rightly so perhaps. 

I think it's a waste of time but if you have other friends there you can mingle with them instead of hanging around her. She sounds quite vapid and uninteresting, unfortunately.

 

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I wouldn't go. The way you chose to keep pursuing her and then your unsolicited rude comment about her past love life -wow -kind of gave me the creeps.  And you're not really compatible with her group of friends etc.  What's done is done -you pursued and chased someone who wasn't into you in the first place but please don't compound it by staying in touch.

Most people won't wonder for more than a split second if that -most people are far more concerned with themselves than whether one of the many people invited showed up.

Edited by Batya33
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15 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I said that her own choices are responsible for her bad love life(

You actually said this to her??

After that, I'm surprised she wants you at her party.

I wouldn't go. What if she's there with a date?

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15 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well you are right, she knew you liked her and wanted to date her and she was leading you on. It sounds like she was enjoying your attention and having an admirer, plus maybe also the presents. If she's 34 and doesn't get many guys then maybe this felt good to her but that is not an excuse that she was leading you on.

She doesnt like to owe anything. For example second time we gone out she insisted on paying because I payed first time. And she also gave me present for my birthday and fridge magnet after vacation. As Ive said, she is generally pretty nice. But yes, more I dwell, I think its more of an attention thing. Even the birthday stuff, she shouldnt care if I come after all it happened but she is adamant that I still do. Her exact words were "Oh youll get over it in time but in the meantime come to birthday". 

16 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I guess you could go to the party just for the sake of going. But of course you should stop pursuing her because she's not interested.

That is a done thing. Got final answer and all, I dont plan on contacting her ever again even if I see her over same group of friends we are both civil and that is it. Just wondering if I should still be going to the birthday thing after everything.

 

16 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Also Japanese sword fighting sounds way cool! Even though I don't really know what that is lol

Kendo. Basically Samurai in armor with bamboo sticks as katanas. Its interesting. 😃

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11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You already celebrated her bday, so why not tell her you are busy, can't make it to the party?

After the 0% speach, bow out of this completely.

That is a done thing, I dont plan to do anything ever with her. I could always make up some excuse, just asking if I should still go given the situation.

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17 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

she said there is 0% chances now or ever that we will be together.

I would not go based on this alone, but you have plenty of other reasons not to go.

PS: like the martial arts. Keep it up!

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4 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Yup, that you did 😕 .. and I don't feel such a comment her way was necessary!

 

We were both a bit pissy at the end. Also, that is basically her own comment because she always complained how she picked pretty bad especially after she came back from college. But yes, I can see how it would be in "bad faith". 

4 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay, so YOU are a bit hurt.. and now your defenses are up.. because she does not feel the same.  You cannot penalize someone for that.

 

I generally accepted that she doesnt, especially after "0%" thing. Just wondering if I should still go

 

5 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Is up to you - but don't do her any favours. IF you two are true friends, is there a reason you shouldn't go? Unless you feel out of place with your awkwardness...

Be respectful and don't give her any tude, if you do.

That is the thing, I know that girl for 2-3 months, talking and going out a bit heavily for month and a half. We are friendly, there will be 5 or 6 other people there, I know them all pretty good(as Ive said, that is my group of friends, she just hangs out recently with all of us) so shouldnt be a problem if I go, just wondering if I should considering the situation.

3 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

The group sounds very image-conscious and cliquey, K. If it's not your scene, you don't have to impress anyone. Sometimes we go to events not for ourselves but for others as a show of good faith and because we're friends with that person despite the whole thing not being our cup of tea. In your case, you genuinely seemed to like her and she seems quite superficial towards you. 

 

Her other "snobish" group of friends she calls at her home later. This is my group of friends she recently hangs up(her high school friend and others) that she called at restaurant. Just 5 or 6 of us. That I could take if I go. 

4 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

She sounds quite vapid and uninteresting, unfortunately.

She is generally interesting person, even does sign language and translates to people in need. But as ive said she is a bit snobish. For example I never(even if they dont mix) separate my groups of friends for celebration. Its dumb, they are there for occasion, not to like each other. Or even her comment about how she broke up with one of her exes after she met family because "she doesnt mix her genes with anyone".  

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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't go. The way you chose to keep pursuing her and then your unsolicited rude comment about her past love life -wow -kind of gave me the creeps. 

Oof. Again, that is her own comment how she always picks bad, but OK, again i can see how its a bit rude, sorry. And I dont plan to pursue it anymore. I was never like that, have no interest in pursuing something beyond someone comfort. But again, felt she was kind of special so kill me for being dumb enough to at least try more. Now I know that I was being stupid and thats it.

 

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

And you're not really compatible with her group of friends etc. 

Birthday party in restaurant is mine group of friends, 5 or 6 people I know and hang out. Its she who is new to the group. Snobish ones she calls at her home. Also I dont think I would be a problem for snobish group as much as some other people from our group of friends. 

 

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Most people won't wonder for more than a split second if that -most people are far more concerned with themselves than whether one of the many people invited showed up.

Its 5 or 6 people. She would probably understand if I dont come but its her insistance for me to actually come after all that its weird.

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You actually said this to her??

After that, I'm surprised she wants you at her party.

Now you know why I am conflicted. By all metrics its weird that she insists for me to come after all it happened. She knows that I should be apart of her and yet she insists on me being there. Dunno if its some attention thing or that friends would wonder why I am not there. But its weird

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I wouldn't go. What if she's there with a date?

If she finds him in 3 days sure. Also its 5 or 6 friends celebration, I could talk to my other friends and dont care. Even if I go it would be nice and civil. But again, it weirds me out that she insists on me to go there and act like nothing happened. 

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46 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

But again, felt she was kind of special so kill me for being dumb enough to at least try more. Now I know that I was being stupid and thats it.

That's not what I wrote or meant.  I think asking her out for a date one more time would have been ok and I think you were too pushy and too overwhelming - and I think you made the rude comment because in a way you were angry at yourself and kind of took it out on her.  Live and learn -obviously she still wanted you at the party.

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If I were you, I would not impose on this girl. Otherwise, it will soon start to repel her. I understand you when your feelings are rejected - it is very painful and unpleasant. But that's life. Life does not always go the way we want. In any case, it seems to me that you shouldn't ruin your friendship because of this. You will see, in a few years you will remember this situation with a smile on your face. And you will meet a beautiful girl. Good luck to you!

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On 6/22/2021 at 10:38 PM, Kwothe28 said:

So, what do you think I should do? Or even on situation in general? 

Well, I think you fought the good fight and did a good job at it. You won't walk away from this wondering what if.... 

I can see how you don't want to look like your pouting (and you're not (which is great)) but that you also don't want to be controlled. What I might do in your shoes is pop in on your way to someplace else, say "hi," to everyone, and then leave. And if something comes up in the meantime and you suddenly can't make it.... oh well.

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