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Hey, Tinydance. So glad to hear things are going well with this guy! 

I agree with many of the other posters: 

  • Do it sober, when you are both in the mood.
  • No need for scented candles or flowers or anything. That might add pressure and make things more nerve-wracking for him. Give oral or take charge during sex instead and he'll think it's special. He'll be seeing hearts and flowers in his mind lol 
  • Have fun, and communicate what you want! Since he is not very experienced yet. It sounds like this is your plan - good.

Report promptly back to your ENA sex advisers about how it went. 😆

-----

Also - last note. I think his explanation is plausible. Not everyone makes sex a focal point early in life. I said in your last thread that while never having had sex at thirty might warrant a few questions, it sounds like you've asked those questions and his answers seem truthful. Trust your gut.

PDN5  

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52 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Hey, Tinydance. So glad to hear things are going well with this guy! 

I agree with many of the other posters: 

  • Do it sober, when you are both in the mood.
  • No need for scented candles or flowers or anything. That might add pressure and make things more nerve-wracking for him. Give oral or take charge during sex instead and he'll think it's special. He'll be seeing hearts and flowers in his mind lol 
  • Have fun, and communicate what you want! Since he is not very experienced yet. It sounds like this is your plan - good.

Report promptly back to your ENA sex advisers about how it went. 😆

-----

Also - last note. I think his explanation is plausible. Not everyone makes sex a focal point early in life. I said in your last thread that while never having had sex at thirty might warrant a few questions, it sounds like you've asked those questions and his answers seem truthful. Trust your gut.

PDN5  

He hasn’t dated either or been in a serious relationship.  Sex was not my focal point or the focal point of many many people I know who had sex before age 30. More than the sex issue is his lack of being in or pursuing any romantic relationship until now.   I would wait until she knows him well enough to “communicate “ and where if it doesn’t go so well the first time it doesn’t torpedo the whole relationship because they’ll have a foundation to fall back on. 

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5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He hasn’t dated either or been in a serious relationship.  Sex was not my focal point or the focal point of many many people I know who had sex before age 30. More than the sex issue is his lack of being in or pursuing any romantic relationship until now.   I would wait until she knows him well enough to “communicate “ and where if it doesn’t go so well the first time it doesn’t torpedo the whole relationship because they’ll have a foundation to fall back on. 

Yes, I accept the clarification, and that is a reasonable view. It's understandable that one would take pause that he's had no romantic dating experience: enough to raise questions. I only diverge from your last sentence insofar as (1) OP's gut has intuited that his answers to those questions present no real issue, and (2) that she should move forward at a pace comfortable to both her and her guy.

My best relationships to date have not started from a place of reservation or holding back, but rather moving at a pace comfortable for both of us given the circumstances. Indeed, my best relationship to-date started out hot and heavy (led by her on date three) and with instant romance. Another great relationship moved more slowly; we were romantic but not sexually active at a basic level for some time over a month or two, and we did not have sex for at least a year. Neither relationship worked in the long run for various reasons, but I am glad both relationships happened. Granted, I am younger and don't know what it is like to date a thirty-year-old man who doesn't have experience - but my experiences to-date tell me that initially following one's gut or intuition is preferable to moving slowly if that would be or feel unnatural.

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36 minutes ago, Pleasedonot5 said:

Yes, I accept the clarification, and that is a reasonable view. It's understandable that one would take pause that he's had no romantic dating experience: enough to raise questions. I only diverge from your last sentence insofar as (1) OP's gut has intuited that his answers to those questions present no real issue, and (2) that she should move forward at a pace comfortable to both her and her guy.

My best relationships to date have not started from a place of reservation or holding back, but rather moving at a pace comfortable for both of us given the circumstances. Indeed, my best relationship to-date started out hot and heavy (led by her on date three) and with instant romance. Another great relationship moved more slowly; we were romantic but not sexually active at a basic level for some time over a month or two, and we did not have sex for at least a year. Neither relationship worked in the long run for various reasons, but I am glad both relationships happened. Granted, I am younger and don't know what it is like to date a thirty-year-old man who doesn't have experience - but my experiences to-date tell me that initially following one's gut or intuition is preferable to moving slowly if that would be or feel unnatural.

Her gut and intuition is based on knowing him for a very short time and part of the time they were alone in private she  was under the influence. I never had sex right  away.  I never had casual sex. Since he has no dating experience , has made no real effort to have a romantic relationship till now , and has no sexual experience I think she’d be making a huge mistake to have sex with him now.  

Huge risk of him reacting in an unstable way, huge risk of if not going well and since they’re basically strangers for all dating purposes or nearly so it won’t be easy to recover from that.
 She’s not responsible for when he feels comfortable and I don’t relate at all to her rush here given what she says she wants long term. 

I dated a very odd guy when I was in my late 20s.  So was he. He was socially awkward and way too full on. Not sexually.  I don’t even know if we kissed. I invited him to sleep over at my place and we knew we would not be having intercourse.  It was more of a convenience as he didn’t live close by.  He knew I lived in a small studio apartment. I was in a stage where I’d finally moved out on my own and was trying to be cool having guys stay over. No I didn’t have sex with these men.  Yes they were fine with it.  

He panicked.  He was shocked that we’d be sharing a bed.  He was terrified.  but he knew I lived in a tiny studio apartment. He put on all his clothing and stayed allll the way on one side of the king size bed.  I let him.  No biggie.  But he had little experience with women other than online through the brand new messenger and brand new yahoo sex type groups.  His reaction was weird.  I never saw him again. 

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On 6/23/2021 at 3:55 AM, Tinydance said:

Men, if you were (or are) a virgin would you want to make a big thing of your first time or would that make you feel more nervous?

Girls care about the first time, for us men its more like "we did it" situation. You are already intimate and watch anime together(cute btw) so use that to sort of guide him where you want next time when you do it. You are more experienced so shouldnt be a problem. It seems that he wants that too(unless that his "You need to take charge" meant that you need to "jump him on" but I dont think so because then he would probably "jump you" if he wants it that eagerly) so take charge, guide him slowly and make love. Its an older post so if it happened in meantime hope it went well. 🙂

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Hey everyone, thank you so much for the replies! Some really good comments and advice there. Sorry I've been a little absent but I just had my second COVID vaccine and it actually made me feel really sick. Feels horrible to be honest but I'm glad I got it out of the way!

I followed your advice not to make a big deal about the sex and didn't do anything over the top. I just suggested to play some mini golf because we both like it and we had fun doing that. Then we went to his place and had some dinner and watched some anime. He had a hard on so I suggested we could go to his room. 

So yeah we had sex and it was OK. Like obviously it wasn't great because he didn't actually know what to do being his first time. It was a little awkward but I didn't say anything bad and afterwards said it was fun. Actually he was good with his hand lol

I see what you mean about guys just wanting to just "do it" because he didn't really say anything about it either. He didn't really give any feedback either by behaviour or saying anything whether he liked it or not. But later did say it was good.

I guess it was a bit weird because he mentioned to me that his mother was visiting for the weekend. She lives in a rural town about a three hour drive away from my city. He said that if I wanted to I was welcome to join them to go out for lunch and shopping. But only if I actually want to and feel comfortable. I actually said yeah OK. 

I know it was a bit fast to meet his Mum but to be honest I don't really regret meeting her. She was really nice and we seemed to get along very well. She was very chatty just like me and a shopaholic also just like me lol She works as an aide at school with special needs students and she seemed kind. I work with people with disabilities also so we have that in common.

I know someone commented how fast I seem to have gotten attached to this guy. Well, I'm not doing it deliberately but I really like him. I'm really getting feelings for him and that is just an involuntary thing. I'm actually not rushing it on my end because I didn't add him to any social media or introduce him to any friends or family at all. I'm not really planning on doing that for some time. He asked me how he should introduce me to people and I said just to say I'm a woman he's dating. I also was quite upfront and said I had bad experiences with putting something on Facebook too fast and I don't really want to put anything up until I'm ready. He has never pushed to add on social media though.

I actually felt a bit depressed after we had sex but I'm not sure if it was also because I actually got my period straight after and I suffer from PMS. I felt depressed afterwards and I know it was irrational but I began to think some paranoid things. Like for example that he's not really into me actually as a person and that he just wanted to experience going on dates and having sex. And that after having sex that he'll lose interest. I guess I just began to feel vulnerable because I do really like him. I want to add also that I have a lot of experience myself and I was even engaged and had the wedding booked. So I'm not in it just for the sake of it and I actually specifically like this guy.

 

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On 6/25/2021 at 10:37 PM, Batya33 said:

I do not buy it at all. If someone wants to meet women to date and wants a relationship they make the effort and he hasn't told you he made a huge effort .

  And if he really hasn't dated or been sexual because it was his choice all these years that's a choice that often has underlying health-related issues - or, if it's truly a choice to be on his own -which can be a very healthy valid choice - I question his motives right now in all of a sudden going full speed ahead with someone he just met.  It could be fun for a fling but you said you're looking for serious.  Again it's totally fine to choose to be on one's own for whatever reason -one of my best friends stopped dating some years back (she's divorced, almost 60) by choice and she's loving life. And I'm so glad she is.  But this speaks of numerous issues/red flags.  

Well I agree with you that it is unusual. He did say to me that he's been on dating sites in the past but he just didn't really meet anyone there. He said he sort of had a thing with a girl he knew from school a long time ago but he didn't actually have sex with her and then she decided to be with another guy. If you look at my comments above, I actually have been with a few other guys who were close to his age but they were either also a virgin or they had very little experience with women. He's actually not 36, he's 30. So he's younger than I. He just turned 30 in April this year. 

I actually get the impression that it's not that easy for guys to meet women unless they're either really attractive and/or they're very confident and are like an alpha male type. 

One of my close male friends (he used to be my FWB) is really attractive. He's 6 foot tall, blue eyes, very handsome and slim. We dated briefly six years ago and he wasn't a virgin but he told me he hadn't been with any woman for like 5-6 years before me. He's mildly on the autism spectrum and he used to be extremely shy. He's also a quiet guy and especially at parties or group situations he hardly speaks at all. One-on-one he's better. He's a very nice guy and he works as a substitute school teacher. 

He did some online dating and did meet a couple of women but he got very stressed about going on the dates I think. He used to have anxiety and he's on medication for it still I think, but not sure. I set him up with a friend of mine and he dated her for about a year or so but he broke it off. Apart from that he hasn't met anyone since in the last couple of years. I asked him if he wants to have a partner and he said it's too much effort to look for one lol

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On 6/26/2021 at 2:13 AM, Rose Mosse said:

There's some degree of unknown with someone new so this is all normal. How people approach sex depends a lot on their own sense of liberty, lifestyle, sex drive and curiosity in general. There are all kinds - shy, not shy. I won't go into specifics but yes there are shy men.

You're dating each other so take your time getting to know one another and practice safe sex anyway. This doesn't need to be too overcomplicated. Keep things simple and enjoy.

Well I've dated shy guys and I have two shy male friends too. One of them said to me it's really hard as a shy guy to meet women because women kind of expect guys to come to them. And I guess if you're average looking and also shy it's even harder because your looks aren't just automatically drawing the women in lol 

Actually just very recently I went on a couple of dates with another guy and he was very shy and awkward. You could see how shy and nervous he was and he struggled to keep conversation going and looked like he was panicking a bit about what to say lol I'm very talkative so I carried the conversation but he was fairly quiet so a bit hard to talk to. He actually seemed lovely and he was kinda cute too and he works as a university librarian. Unfortunately I don't think I was really feeling the spark and especially as I had more connection with the guy I'm writing about in this post. So I said to him that unfortunately I wasn't really interested romantically.

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On 6/26/2021 at 9:19 AM, Batya33 said:

I would have said the same exact thing if a woman gave the excuses he did for never dating and being a virgin.

To be fair though it's actually quite easy as a woman to at least get sex. When I went on some dating apps like Tinder, men were propositioning me for sex and all I had to do was say yes. I also had some male friends who wanted to have sex with me and guys in bars and stuff like that. I never found it hard to get sex at all. I wasn't really into hookups and especially not with people I didn't know but I always had the opportunity.

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23 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

So yeah we had sex and it was OK. Like obviously it wasn't great because he didn't actually know what to do being his first time.

👏 First time sex can often be awkward.

If you still like him, just enjoy.

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On 6/26/2021 at 9:28 AM, Batya33 said:

Here is why he didn't date -because he did not wish to enough to do what it took to meet women.   I only dated really busy men - ambitious, career-driven, super smart most -I hate this label -kind of "nerdy" but some not.  None of what you mentioned made them the victim of their circumstances.  He is not a victim of his "environment".  He may have got in his own way, for sure and why he chose to do so is anyone's guess.

Someone who wants to pursue a potentially serious romantic relationship and works at a stressful job and lives where there are other single women within a 1-2 hours driving radius - they do so.  They do what it takes just like he did what it took to be in his stressful job, just like he found time to play video games. 

If they work with all males, they pursue outside activities that involve females or ask the males to introduce them to females. For example. One of many examples.

He wasn't in those environments where he could meet women for one reason -because he chose not to be.  That is the issue -why didn't he choose this? Why did he decide not to pursue relationships with women? Why is he making these excuses to you and why isn't he concerned about these choices if, as he now says, he does want a serious relationship at age 36?

Yes, lack of experience in the sexual area of course would be totally normal for a beginner.  

Sure, he might have turned over a new leaf and now is a totally different person and now ready to be in a mature adult romantic relationship - but oddly he hasn't told you that, he hasn't told you that he is over the top into being involved seriously and getting married and starting a family.  I find that odd.

I personally if I were you would not have sex with him until you've been dating seriously for the better part of a year - he's a newbie and you need to learn more about why he made the choices he did because as you say you don't want to waste time because you want babies.  In the next 3-6 months if you like him a lot you'll get to know the "real" him and you'll figure out why he's waited 15 years or so to pursue an adult romantic relationship with a woman.

Well he's actually 30, he's not 36. I'm 36 so I'm older. I think honestly some part of why he never dated anyone is yeah he probably didn't make a huge amount of effort but also his work and hobbies were all very male centred. He was always good at computers and his work and hobbies were about computers and video games. He said he wasn't really very outgoing and he didn't like partying and night clubs and things like that. He doesn't drink much and he never tried any drugs. I know it sounds like excuses but he's actually not the first guy I've met who was like this.

I wrote previously that when I was 25 I was dating this guy who was 27. He also told me he had never dated anyone and he slept with one woman once who was a prostitute he paid. He seemed nice and he was cute and an engineer. He was very shy and he said in his engineering course and job it was mainly all men. This was also 11 years ago so I think the gender divide in certain careers was larger. I guess if you don't just meet women in your everyday life or have any female friends and you're also shy, it's probably hard to just randomly walk up to women. Places like bars are not a good environment if you're shy.

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

👏 First time sex can often be awkward.

If you still like him, just enjoy.

Yeah it's pretty awkward lol I'm trying to be very patient. Yes I do like him but I think it's going to be a bit slow to actually make the sex good lol

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On 6/26/2021 at 11:03 AM, Unsure2021 said:

This smells off. Being a 30 yr old virgin speaks of extremely low self confidence, lack of interest in sex or lies, all of which are no good. Also, it’s been my experience that once these men are ‘broken in’ they quickly seek to regain lost time and sow their wild oats. This is of course normal, but for someone like you who wants kids asap, I would be very cautious of not wasting time with an unsuitable man.

Please also note that you can’t train a man like a puppy either. He may learn some techniques but his core sexuality stays the same (i.e if he has low libido he likely always will, if he’s not tactile or touchy feely you can’t make him want you more etc). I don’t know if you can afford to train this man and it surprises me that you’ve gotten attached to him this quickly. Watch out for signs of weird online behaviour and emotional unavailability too, as people who don’t actively seek out physical relationships tend to have a lot of buried issues that you’re not aware of. Tread slowly and carefully.

I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a low sex drive because he said he enjoys masturbating and watching porn. The other things probably yes - low self confidence and maybe shy with women specifically. I don't think his personality is really that shy but I think all his colleagues and friends were always men. Like all the colleagues in his IT jobs and video game friends and stuff. He has real life friends but he also has many just online friends that he games with. I'm being honest when I say that I don't see anything actually weird about him or his actual behaviour. So far anyway lol I don't really see something about him which is fundamentally really off putting and was the reason he never found anyone. He's overweight but he's not ugly and actually he used to be skinny, I've seen the photos. I'm overweight myself though so I don't particularly care. 

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On 6/26/2021 at 1:47 PM, LootieTootie said:

So first I just want to say how I love that you are dating, Tiny. And it sounds like you are having fun and getting to know this person on a very intimate level. Dating should be fun!!

Secondly, you just met the guy and it's too early to say if you should be paranoid about the virginity element. You have been very honest about your struggles on here so even that kind of disclosure is too early, right?  

You guys gel right now and that's all that matters. As long as you both are seeing each other regularly and consistently you guys will start to know each other and decide if you're good together or not.

 

 

Yes I'm very much of this mindset! Thanks Lootie. It actually is hard to find someone you like. It's really not easy. To be honest I would rather give it a go with this guy who I actually like rather than choose a guy who may be experienced but there's not really any spark.

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On 6/27/2021 at 3:59 AM, Pleasedonot5 said:

Hey, Tinydance. So glad to hear things are going well with this guy! 

I agree with many of the other posters: 

  • Do it sober, when you are both in the mood.
  • No need for scented candles or flowers or anything. That might add pressure and make things more nerve-wracking for him. Give oral or take charge during sex instead and he'll think it's special. He'll be seeing hearts and flowers in his mind lol 
  • Have fun, and communicate what you want! Since he is not very experienced yet. It sounds like this is your plan - good.

Report promptly back to your ENA sex advisers about how it went. 😆

-----

Also - last note. I think his explanation is plausible. Not everyone makes sex a focal point early in life. I said in your last thread that while never having had sex at thirty might warrant a few questions, it sounds like you've asked those questions and his answers seem truthful. Trust your gut.

PDN5  

Thanks so much! Had sex and it was OK 🙂 Still a lot to improve on from his end of course lol I've met other people with no or little experience close to his age before so it's actually not the first time. Thank you for the food advice!

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On 6/27/2021 at 5:21 AM, Pleasedonot5 said:

Yes, I accept the clarification, and that is a reasonable view. It's understandable that one would take pause that he's had no romantic dating experience: enough to raise questions. I only diverge from your last sentence insofar as (1) OP's gut has intuited that his answers to those questions present no real issue, and (2) that she should move forward at a pace comfortable to both her and her guy.

My best relationships to date have not started from a place of reservation or holding back, but rather moving at a pace comfortable for both of us given the circumstances. Indeed, my best relationship to-date started out hot and heavy (led by her on date three) and with instant romance. Another great relationship moved more slowly; we were romantic but not sexually active at a basic level for some time over a month or two, and we did not have sex for at least a year. Neither relationship worked in the long run for various reasons, but I am glad both relationships happened. Granted, I am younger and don't know what it is like to date a thirty-year-old man who doesn't have experience - but my experiences to-date tell me that initially following one's gut or intuition is preferable to moving slowly if that would be or feel unnatural.

Well another thing to point out is he actually was making an effort to meet someone NOW. We met on a paid dating website. That website is quite expensive and pretty much just has people who want a serious relationship. You can't contact anybody unless you either buy these stamps at like $10+ each or you have a monthly paid membership for $50 a month which gives you four stamps a month and some special privileges. I had the paid membership myself so I know it costs a lot. Because you use the stamps to message, you can send a "kiss" first to see if someone actually wants to hear from you. So he sent me a kiss and then he actually sent me a message. I mean, I don't know why he never really found anyone before but at least this time he was making an effort and actually spending a fair bit of money too.

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I can't say I agree with "Unsure" (and not just because I like virgin guys, lol).

It is becoming more common (statistically) for people in their 20s and 30s to put off having sex or just to have less sex. People are getting married/having kids later and later in life. Not sure if you're into porn (I sure am), but there is a TON of good, free content out there to sate anyone. 

Not having sex does not mean, necessarily, that someone has a low drive. People put it off due to low confidence, educational aspirations, multitude of reasons. And honestly, porn is awesome for those like myself who have been abstaining for years (going on 3y now). Those who want to "sow their oats" will show signs of wanting to do so even before sex, IME. 

First-time sex (virgin or not) is always going to be a little awkward. It's a new experience with a new person.  

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On 6/27/2021 at 6:05 AM, Batya33 said:

Her gut and intuition is based on knowing him for a very short time and part of the time they were alone in private she  was under the influence. I never had sex right  away.  I never had casual sex. Since he has no dating experience , has made no real effort to have a romantic relationship till now , and has no sexual experience I think she’d be making a huge mistake to have sex with him now.  

Huge risk of him reacting in an unstable way, huge risk of if not going well and since they’re basically strangers for all dating purposes or nearly so it won’t be easy to recover from that.
 She’s not responsible for when he feels comfortable and I don’t relate at all to her rush here given what she says she wants long term. 

I dated a very odd guy when I was in my late 20s.  So was he. He was socially awkward and way too full on. Not sexually.  I don’t even know if we kissed. I invited him to sleep over at my place and we knew we would not be having intercourse.  It was more of a convenience as he didn’t live close by.  He knew I lived in a small studio apartment. I was in a stage where I’d finally moved out on my own and was trying to be cool having guys stay over. No I didn’t have sex with these men.  Yes they were fine with it.  

He panicked.  He was shocked that we’d be sharing a bed.  He was terrified.  but he knew I lived in a tiny studio apartment. He put on all his clothing and stayed allll the way on one side of the king size bed.  I let him.  No biggie.  But he had little experience with women other than online through the brand new messenger and brand new yahoo sex type groups.  His reaction was weird.  I never saw him again. 

Yeah I also had a guy once who was shy and had zero experience and he was panicking about anything I was doing too. I tried to hold his hand and he sort of just freaked out lol

Well I can actually say that this guy did not act weird after we had sex. He acted fine. So that part was OK lol

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On 6/28/2021 at 8:27 AM, shellyf62 said:

I saw that OP is in Australia. If she is in Sydney we are currently on a 2 week lock down, so may not have been able to see him.

I'm so sorry you are in Sydney  😞 I was meant to be travelling to Sydney in two weeks to see my friends there but it doesn't look like I'll be able to now 😢 I'm actually in Melbourne and weirdly just this time we don't have a lockdown. But usually we do lool

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