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On 6/23/2021 at 11:17 PM, Coily said:

I once was in his position, about 29 when I lost my virginity soo here's my two cents.

I felt really awkward about being a late bloomer, so we decided to take a day together to hang out. Prior to the big date (un planned conclusion) we chatted a lot, and she asked a few questions about things that turned me on. We started out and slowly escalated, we had other things to do through out the day. I was beginning to feel my oats and took a bit of charge, when I wasn't sure she guided me. It was an amazing night.

So I would say ask a few leading flirty questions from time to time. Ask if him about his turn ons, see if that's something you like too. When you two are ready be reassuring, take charge when he isn't sure. Down play if you have a bland experience, boost his confidence a bit. But most importantly work on the relationship, that for me was the best part. This will be his first time getting hit with those bonding hormones, so consider that in post fun times.

Sounds like you are onto someone good, best of luck!

Thank you so much for telling your experience. I'm definitely not going to show it at all if I have a bad experience. I mean it would be totally understandable considering he's never done anything sexually before. The good thing I guess is I don't actually have a shy personality so I feel comfortable to ask for what I want. E.g. Ask him to try doing things I like. Actually my first time having sex was pretty awkward and didn't last long lol Not because the guy couldn't last but we just didn't really know what we were doing and we kind of just gave up looll My second time with a different guy I was very nervous. I undressed down to my underwear but I felt self-conscious and was trying to cover myself with my arms. Then we just decided to masturbate together. The guy was masturbating and I was kinds helping I guess. Then he came and sprayed me in the eye. Can I just say, it stung really bad! And my eye went all blood shot with red veins looolll So by far not exactly a great experience at the start.

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On 6/23/2021 at 11:21 PM, Fudgie said:

I may sound like a perv but I don't care: virgins (men) are the best. 

Okay first of all, it's not a big deal - it's a good thing. Don't act like it's a big deal, don't try to make it "momentous", just enjoy it. By all means, direct him in the act to show him what you like - but you should be doing that with every new guy in a relationship anyway. 

But here's why it's great: he's basically a blank slate. This is your time to show him what you like in kissing, foreplay, sex, etc. He doesn't have experience before that has tainted him or patterns that he's stuck in. 

Male virginity is awesome. Enjoy it. 

Ha ha Thanks Fudgie. My feelings about virgins is they make me a bit nervous lol I just feel like I really need to blow their mind, you know? Whereas when I'm with someone who's not a virgin I don't really think about it and just totally go with the flow. If that makes sense lol

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On 6/24/2021 at 12:55 AM, Rose Mosse said:

He said he was trying to be respectful of you so don't overthink this too much. You both like each other quite a bit so if it leads to more intimacy, enjoy each other. I'm happy for the both of you!

Thank you Rose 🙂

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On 6/24/2021 at 3:12 AM, LaHermes said:

I sort of have to smile, Tiny. L. 

I wouldn't know what to say to you in this case. Never met or been with a virgin man in my life lol.  Don't think I would want to either!  But, beside the point as I am married.

He he Well this would be only my third time in my life being with a virgin. The other two times I was only a teenager. Now in my mid thirties. So it's been a long time! Hence why it feels a bit out of my depth.

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On 6/24/2021 at 3:21 AM, boltnrun said:

I was 19 and my boyfriend was 20. He was a virgin. We just did it when we felt like it. He was delighted! 

Please do curb the drinking, however. It's a crutch. Plus, you want him to remember his first time, right?

Yes won't be any drinking. I also want to perform well coz I want to be good!! Lol

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3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Ha ha Thanks Fudgie. My feelings about virgins is they make me a bit nervous lol I just feel like I really need to blow their mind, you know? Whereas when I'm with someone who's not a virgin I don't really think about it and just totally go with the flow. If that makes sense lol

Haha, yeah I get you. I mean, if you look at it this way, guys who aren't virgins have had sex so they have an idea of how it's going to go. They are more likely to have expectations. A virgin guy has NONE. This is totally new to him and it's going to be awesome for him. You don't need to "blow his mind" because his mind is going to be blown no matter what you do! It's his first time, after all. 

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On 6/24/2021 at 3:32 AM, Fudgie said:

It's true. I would curb the drinking before his first time, 2 drinks per person max. A little buzzed is fine but you don't want more than that. Keep in mind too that for many guys, whiskey d___k (ED brought on by alchohol intoxication) is a very real thing, especially in cases like these, where it's his first time.

The experience of deflowering awkward, nerdy virgin guys who are a bit on the "older" end and are all sorts of worried about it, needing a dominant woman to guide them a little is the best. I'm honestly jealous, haha 😃

Yes, I know how weird/creepy I sound, I don't even care! Haha

Looolll Well I  don't really have a thing for virgins so I think I'm looking on it as a bit of a hurdle lol Hopefully that feeling will soon pass though lol

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1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

Looolll Well I  don't really have a thing for virgins so I think I'm looking on it as a bit of a hurdle lol Hopefully that feeling will soon pass though lol

Just ignore me, lol. I clearly have a thing. And yes, the feeling will pass, I'm sure. If things continue to go well and you two are intimate, then it's a non-issue!

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On 6/24/2021 at 10:06 AM, waffle said:

I was with a virgin once but he was 19, not 30+.  I wasn't that far out of virginity myself at that point, maybe a year or so.  I feel like something is off when a man of that age is a virgin and seems in no hurry to change that.  Is he maybe one of those "wait til marriage" (nothing wrong with that) people and just isn't telling you? 

I knew a woman who didn't lose her virginity til her mid-40s.  She was gorgeous, but she had so many sex hang-ups that most men ended up running away screaming.  Anyone who is into adulthood and who is a virgin, I'd want more information before I go there.

Well to me it was a little concerning as well. Weirdly though I've actually been with a few other guys who were also a virgin or very close to it who were aged between 25-29. Often I seem to attract shy and more quiet guys. I wasn't sure if it's because I have a very bubbly and outgoing personality and I'm very chatty. So maybe they liked someone opposite from them. One of those guys I never actually had sex with though or even kissed. He was the one that had never even been on a date or anything. Then there was one guy I hooked up with once who was 27 and he'd slept with a prostitute once in his life and that was his whole experience. And another guy was 29 and he had one girlfriend for four years but he was 17-21. Then for eight years had zero women. So I do seem to find these kinds of guys and there wasn't actually anything fundamentally wrong with them except I suppose they were shy and not the types who actually chase women. And they were average or so looking so I guess women weren't throwing themselves at them.

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14 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Quite so, Waffle. 

Well the information I got from him which seems believable I suppose is this. From the age of 22 he worked a lot in a stressful IT support job. The job was to work at a few schools and fix all their internet and computer issues. The way he explained it was he just didn't think it appropriate to hit on women who worked at those schools or something like that. Which actually sounds pretty spot on. Then like 5-6 months ago he got a job for a large computer company and he assembles computers from scratch. He actually said all staff at his work are male lol He's also really into video games and he said him and his friends just played games a lot and never partied and things like that. He's never tried drugs and stuff like that. I guess maybe he just wasn't in environments that you could actually meet women or hook up with women. I don't actually notice anything wrong with him as a person except he's awkward about physical things but that's because he doesn't know what he's doing lol

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13 hours ago, daryan12s said:

It seems to me that any man wants not to screw up in bed. And he wants to give the girl maximum pleasure. This guy's intentions are commendable and understandable. The only thing you can do on your part is to talk to him, discuss your future sex - what he expects from it and what you expect. During sex, you could teach him, say how you like, and so on. I think he will appreciate it and will gain experience over time. Good luck to both of you!

Thanks Daryan. Thankfully I'm not actually shy or have a quiet personality so hopefully I can talk about what I want him to do and stuff like that.

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13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

So if he is willing to do sexual things with her and talking about sex it's not a wait till marriage -I mean she seems awesome but I doubt he'd do such an about face. I was a wait till marriage and I changed my mind -but I was 24, had dated/had relationships/been engaged and was in love and did think I might marry the guy - but I changed my mind because I just knew I didn't want to wait in general and I was in a serious relationship. Also he's never dated - so that's also not consistent with a religious wait till marriage- often they at least date within the confines of the arranged dating situation.

(My bf at the time was not virgin - he was also same age and had been with very few - and as it turned out -not sure if this is related -he's been happily partnered for over 20 years with a man -now his husband). 

 

No he's totally not actually religious or waiting for marriage. I am also not religious and regarding waiting it's way too late for that now lool I don't think the virginity was actually by choice but probably partially circumstantial and also maybe didn't make much conscious effort to actually meet women.

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18 minutes ago, Fudgie said:

Just ignore me, lol. I clearly have a thing. And yes, the feeling will pass, I'm sure. If things continue to go well and you two are intimate, then it's a non-issue!

Ha ha Well to each their own of course! 🙂 I actually was just reading an article the other day about how virginity is seen differently for males and females. If it's a woman it's seen as sweet and innocent and in some cultures or religions is very desired. But in men it's seen as bad and off putting. I suppose in both cases it's neither good, nor bad but it's just that person's own life experience. Whether it was by choice or not. 

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10 hours ago, Tinydance said:

No he's totally not actually religious or waiting for marriage. I am also not religious and regarding waiting it's way too late for that now lool I don't think the virginity was actually by choice but probably partially circumstantial and also maybe didn't make much conscious effort to actually meet women.

I do not buy it at all. If someone wants to meet women to date and wants a relationship they make the effort and he hasn't told you he made a huge effort .

  And if he really hasn't dated or been sexual because it was his choice all these years that's a choice that often has underlying health-related issues - or, if it's truly a choice to be on his own -which can be a very healthy valid choice - I question his motives right now in all of a sudden going full speed ahead with someone he just met.  It could be fun for a fling but you said you're looking for serious.  Again it's totally fine to choose to be on one's own for whatever reason -one of my best friends stopped dating some years back (she's divorced, almost 60) by choice and she's loving life. And I'm so glad she is.  But this speaks of numerous issues/red flags.  

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Heh heh Tiny.  I must have been moving in depraved circles then since forever. 

Never met a shy man either. lol.

But then any man who would have wanted to approach me would not need to be shy.  It seems I give, or used to give the impression of "distant" (which I am not) and very self-possessed.  And I am definitely not shy! L. 

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14 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well the information I got from him which seems believable I suppose is this. From the age of 22 he worked a lot in a stressful IT support job. The job was to work at a few schools and fix all their internet and computer issues. The way he explained it was he just didn't think it appropriate to hit on women who worked at those schools or something like that. Which actually sounds pretty spot on. Then like 5-6 months ago he got a job for a large computer company and he assembles computers from scratch. He actually said all staff at his work are male lol He's also really into video games and he said him and his friends just played games a lot and never partied and things like that. He's never tried drugs and stuff like that. I guess maybe he just wasn't in environments that you could actually meet women or hook up with women. I don't actually notice anything wrong with him as a person except he's awkward about physical things but that's because he doesn't know what he's doing lol

There's some degree of unknown with someone new so this is all normal. How people approach sex depends a lot on their own sense of liberty, lifestyle, sex drive and curiosity in general. There are all kinds - shy, not shy. I won't go into specifics but yes there are shy men.

You're dating each other so take your time getting to know one another and practice safe sex anyway. This doesn't need to be too overcomplicated. Keep things simple and enjoy.

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17 hours ago, Tinydance said:

how virginity is seen differently for males and females. If it's a woman it's seen as sweet and innocent and in some cultures or religions is very desired. But in men it's seen as bad and off putting.

I think those days are gone, Tiny. I mean as regards women, except in certain cultures/religions. 

I don't think virginity is generally seen as "bad" in men, just rather surprising, I suppose.  A few decades ago one in twenty men (maybe) was a virgin, now that is down to one in 6, or so I've read.  Reasons given:

"...profound shyness, social awkwardness, and general discomfort with the opposite sex and the whole idea of physical intimacy with another person."

And I would wager the fear of rejection could also be a factor. 

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4 hours ago, LaHermes said:

I think those days are gone, Tiny. I mean as regards women, except in certain cultures/religions. 

I don't think virginity is generally seen as "bad" in men, just rather surprising, I suppose.  A few decades ago one in twenty men (maybe) was a virgin, now that is down to one in 6, or so I've read.  Reasons given:

"...profound shyness, social awkwardness, and general discomfort with the opposite sex and the whole idea of physical intimacy with another person."

And I would wager the fear of rejection could also be a factor. 

I would have said the same exact thing if a woman gave the excuses he did for never dating and being a virgin.

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21 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well the information I got from him which seems believable I suppose is this. From the age of 22 he worked a lot in a stressful IT support job. The job was to work at a few schools and fix all their internet and computer issues. The way he explained it was he just didn't think it appropriate to hit on women who worked at those schools or something like that. Which actually sounds pretty spot on. Then like 5-6 months ago he got a job for a large computer company and he assembles computers from scratch. He actually said all staff at his work are male lol He's also really into video games and he said him and his friends just played games a lot and never partied and things like that. He's never tried drugs and stuff like that. I guess maybe he just wasn't in environments that you could actually meet women or hook up with women. I don't actually notice anything wrong with him as a person except he's awkward about physical things but that's because he doesn't know what he's doing lol

Here is why he didn't date -because he did not wish to enough to do what it took to meet women.   I only dated really busy men - ambitious, career-driven, super smart most -I hate this label -kind of "nerdy" but some not.  None of what you mentioned made them the victim of their circumstances.  He is not a victim of his "environment".  He may have got in his own way, for sure and why he chose to do so is anyone's guess.

Someone who wants to pursue a potentially serious romantic relationship and works at a stressful job and lives where there are other single women within a 1-2 hours driving radius - they do so.  They do what it takes just like he did what it took to be in his stressful job, just like he found time to play video games. 

If they work with all males, they pursue outside activities that involve females or ask the males to introduce them to females. For example. One of many examples.

He wasn't in those environments where he could meet women for one reason -because he chose not to be.  That is the issue -why didn't he choose this? Why did he decide not to pursue relationships with women? Why is he making these excuses to you and why isn't he concerned about these choices if, as he now says, he does want a serious relationship at age 36?

Yes, lack of experience in the sexual area of course would be totally normal for a beginner.  

Sure, he might have turned over a new leaf and now is a totally different person and now ready to be in a mature adult romantic relationship - but oddly he hasn't told you that, he hasn't told you that he is over the top into being involved seriously and getting married and starting a family.  I find that odd.

I personally if I were you would not have sex with him until you've been dating seriously for the better part of a year - he's a newbie and you need to learn more about why he made the choices he did because as you say you don't want to waste time because you want babies.  In the next 3-6 months if you like him a lot you'll get to know the "real" him and you'll figure out why he's waited 15 years or so to pursue an adult romantic relationship with a woman.

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This smells off. Being a 30 yr old virgin speaks of extremely low self confidence, lack of interest in sex or lies, all of which are no good. Also, it’s been my experience that once these men are ‘broken in’ they quickly seek to regain lost time and sow their wild oats. This is of course normal, but for someone like you who wants kids asap, I would be very cautious of not wasting time with an unsuitable man.

Please also note that you can’t train a man like a puppy either. He may learn some techniques but his core sexuality stays the same (i.e if he has low libido he likely always will, if he’s not tactile or touchy feely you can’t make him want you more etc). I don’t know if you can afford to train this man and it surprises me that you’ve gotten attached to him this quickly. Watch out for signs of weird online behaviour and emotional unavailability too, as people who don’t actively seek out physical relationships tend to have a lot of buried issues that you’re not aware of. Tread slowly and carefully.

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So first I just want to say how I love that you are dating, Tiny. And it sounds like you are having fun and getting to know this person on a very intimate level. Dating should be fun!!

Secondly, you just met the guy and it's too early to say if you should be paranoid about the virginity element. You have been very honest about your struggles on here so even that kind of disclosure is too early, right?  

You guys gel right now and that's all that matters. As long as you both are seeing each other regularly and consistently you guys will start to know each other and decide if you're good together or not.

 

 

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11 hours ago, Unsure2021 said:

He may learn some techniques but his core sexuality stays the same (i.e if he has low libido he likely always will, if he’s not tactile or touchy feely you can’t make him want you more etc). I don’t know if you can afford to train this man and it surprises me that you’ve gotten attached to him this quickly. Watch out for signs of weird online behaviour and emotional unavailability too, as people who don’t actively seek out physical relationships tend to have a lot of buried issues that you’re not aware of. Tread slowly and carefully.

Flagging up what Unsure said. 

 

11 hours ago, Unsure2021 said:

Extremely low self confidence, lack of interest in sex or lies, all of which are no good.

Indeed.

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