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I need help understanding my partner


sankul
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i don't know if this is the right place to look for help but i'm really confused and i need help.

Okay so some context, me (M19) and this girl (F19) (i'm gonna call her Sara) have been seeing eachother for three months now and we have clicked very good ever since we met. We have same interests and music taste and everything seemed to go very smoothly and natural between us, both of us have stated that it felt very right between us. We act exactly as we're in a relationship, we hold hands in public, we kiss in public, we've had sex, we are there for eachother emotionally, we see eachother fairly often, we talk on the phone a lot and we have both agreed on being exclusive to eachother. To everyone elses eyes we look exactly like boyfriend and girlfriend and we act like it. She's said before that she has deep feelings for me and i've said before the same thing to her. The thing is she has pretty bad past relationships, her ex was very manipulative and extremely toxic and Sara has really low self esteem even though it was two years ago they broke up. I'm not gonna go into detail but her ex treated her really badly and her ex was the reason Sara started with self harm. I've been very supportive to her and she's stated that i am the kindest person she's met.

Because her ex has emotionally scarred her, Sara always panics when things get too serious between us and whenever i bring up that i want to have a relationship with her officially she always says she's not ready for a relationship and that she's very afraid to fall in love. She says she's not in her right headspace for a relationship and that she really wouldnt be able to commit to a relationship because of her mental health (commitment issues and trust issues). I of course do not wanna push her or seem too needy so ive told her that ill wait for her till she's ready and that she is more than enough as she is already and that we can continue seeing eachother as we have.

Fastforward three days ago, we havent seen eachother for 5 days and by that time i've noticed that she seems very distant over text, she's showing zero affection, she's making no effort to plan when we should see eachother the next time and she seemed very cold and distant towards me. After a few days of this behaviour i asked her politely if she's trying to push me away and she said "Ive noticed im pushing you away, ive just not been feeling very good". I thought this was weird since she's been out with her friends a couple times during this time and she seemed to have very fun and posted all over snapchat about it. I of course asked what was wrong and if she would talk to me and she started to explain and it was a lot she said, ill put it shortly what she said.

She basically said that when i told her i was in love with her she was extremely overwhelmed and that it kind of scared her. She said that she didn't feel the same way towards me and that it didn't feel right or fair towards me. She also said that whenever we see eachother in real life everything seems to be good and she enjoys it, but whenever we spend time apart things just feel "Dead" and that she has a voice in her head that keeps telling her "You don't need anyone" and "You're better off alone". To put it simply, when we are not with eachother she doesn't seem to have feelings for me at all. She said that this has only started to begin a couple of days ago and that she didn't feel like that before. I then asked her if she even had any feelings for me at all and she said she honestly didn't know if she did. We talked a lot about it but she said that she wanted to take some time alone to think about herself and her relationship with me and try to figure out if she have any feelings for me at all. We agreed to take a so called "break" and she asked me not to text or contact her for maybe a week or two and that she'll get back to me when she's thought about it. She also said multiple times that it's not my fault she is feeling this way and that it's only her fault, she said that ive been really good to her and that i really deserve the best and she apologized for making me confused and hurt by this behaviour.

Fastforward to today, it's been three days of our "break" and she hasn't contacted me at all. I am very confused and honestly very hurt because i am in love with this girl and everything really seemed to go great just a week ago and now it feels like i'm losing her forever. I snapchatted her today to ask her a question that ive been thinking about (i do not want to state here what i asked her). But when she replied she replied with a very dry response and the snapchat picture she sent back with the response was of a TV screen playing a netflix movie. Now i did not recognize the walls in the picture and she doesn't own a TV with netflix on it, she always watches netflix on her ipad. Because of this i got a little paranoid and curious and i checked to see if she was home on her snapchat map. I then noticed that she has turned off her snap map from me and this was weird cause the entire time we've been seeing eachother she's always had her snap map turned on for me.

By this time i started overthinking and started to put the puzzle together. She randomly started to act distant and cold towards me and when i brought it up she suggests we take a brake with no contact, and now she seems to be at another persons place and she's turned off snap map for me. I know this probably sounds like i'm overthinking too much or being possesive since we're not even in an official relationship yet but quite frankly i am in love with this girl and ive never met someone as perfect as her before.

So my question is, did she really randomly lose all feelings for me out of the blue and sincerely wants to take a brake to think or has she met someone new that she's interested in and seeing right now on our brake? i also need to state that her ex really did *** her up and that she still sometimes cuts herself so it wouldn't be a surprise if she really needs time to think and wants to take a brake, but at the same time it also really seems that she's found someone new and that the brake was just an excuse to "explore" this new person. I should also state that we have both said that we are exclusive (meaning we dont see other people) but we are not in a official relationship. My situation is very tricky and i cant stop overthinking why and what is happening with us. I really feel like such an idiot and i feel like im overthinking this extremely much and i know some of you will probably tell me this but i just cant stop thinking about it, just a few days ago everything was fine and she slept over at my place and was ALL over me and now suddenly out of nowhere it feels like im losing her slowly. Has any of this happened to anyone on here before? and does anyone have any idea what she might be going through? i cant know everything...Any advice or comments are appreciated! Thanks in advance. I

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Your situation is quite simple - when someone tells you that they are not into you and do not want a relationship, believe them.

You have rather selfishly disregarded what she is telling you point blank, using the "but I'm in love with her" as an excuse. Your feelings are not a reason to force and push yourself into someone's life when they have expressly stated to you time and again that they are not into you that way.

There is no puzzle here other than what's going on with you that you continued on with her and why your dream girl is a damsel in distress who isn't that into you.

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7 minutes ago, sankul said:

Sara started with self harm. she really wouldnt be able to commit to a relationship because of her mental health. she's been out with her friends a couple times during this time and she seemed to have very fun and posted all over snapchat about it.

Sorry this is happening. It was going well and you were right to think is was a relationship at 12 weeks in.. 

She seems too messed up to be in relationships if she is harming herself and claimed she's depressed and damaged.

Sorry to say, but you dodged a bullet.

Have you read📚 

"Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger ?

It's about dealing with people who are unstable and inflict self-harm...and how to avoid them.

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8 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Your situation is quite simple - when someone tells you that they are not into you and do not want a relationship, believe them.

You have rather selfishly disregarded what she is telling you point blank, using the "but I'm in love with her" as an excuse. Your feelings are not a reason to force and push yourself into someone's life when they have expressly stated to you time and again that they are not into you that way.

There is no puzzle here other than what's going on with you that you continued on with her and why your dream girl is a damsel in distress who isn't that into you.

I guess you are right in a way that i am quite blinded by my love. But i have never pushed the thought of a relationship onto her, i have only brought it up one time and when she told me she was not ready for a relationship she was extremely happy to hear me say that i'll wait for her and that i dont have any expectations of her. She told me she felt happy being with me and that she does not want to lose me but she's just not ready for a relationship yet. I told her multiple times that i do not have any expectations out of her and that she is more than enough as she is already. She also told me that she could see a relationship in the future just not right now and that she wants to work on herself first but that she still wants to see me. It's not that she does not want a relationship with me that bugs me, it's that she's been extremely clear with the fact that she has deep feelings for me and that she does not want to lose me but suddenly she has lost all feelings. I do not wish to get advice on how to "win" her over again because i will not sit and beg for her to come back and i will respect what she has told me. I just wanted to know if anyone has experienced this and if there could be a particular reason as to why she is all over me for months then suddenly seemingly wants nothing to do with me. i am just hurt and confused and i want to understand how this could have happened.. I dont know maybe i am just looking for answers that aren't there. Everyone is different and maybe she just lost all feelings for me somehow.

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1 minute ago, sankul said:

I guess you are right in a way that i am quite blinded by my love. But i have never pushed the thought of a relationship onto her, i have only brought it up one time and when she told me she was not ready for a relationship she was extremely happy to hear me say that i'll wait for her and that i dont have any expectations of her. She told me she felt happy being with me and that she does not want to lose me but she's just not ready for a relationship yet. I told her multiple times that i do not have any expectations out of her and that she is more than enough as she is already. She also told me that she could see a relationship in the future just not right now and that she wants to work on herself first but that she still wants to see me. It's not that she does not want a relationship with me that bugs me, it's that she's been extremely clear with the fact that she has deep feelings for me and that she does not want to lose me but suddenly she has lost all feelings. I do not wish to get advice on how to "win" her over again because i will not sit and beg for her to come back and i will respect what she has told me. I just wanted to know if anyone has experienced this and if there could be a particular reason as to why she is all over me for months then suddenly seemingly wants nothing to do with me. i am just hurt and confused and i want to understand how this could have happened.. I dont know maybe i am just looking for answers that aren't there. Everyone is different and maybe she just lost all feelings for me somehow.

Translation:

I'm really happy to know that you will sacrifice yourself and your happiness to be my crutch. I will use you as I feel the need to heal myself and once I don't feel the need for crutches, I will go ahead and discard you. Thank you for being so useful to me.

OP, you need to be much more aware and pay attention early on to what people reveal about themselves. Fresh out of a toxic relationship, still not healed or over it, mental/emotional instability  - these are not your cues to stay and help, these are your cues to run like your hair is on fire.

You can't fix people, they can only do it themselves. However, if you offer yourself on the platter to be used, you will be used. People will wipe their feet on you if you allow it.

Had you walked away early on, you wouldn't have all these hurt feelings to deal with. It sucks, but it's also a lesson for life. When you see damaged goods, walk away. Seek out those who are in a good place to be in a relationship with you. Life is too short for anything else and if you keep choosing damsels in distress....you'll end up damaged goods yourself - tired, hurt, bitter, and resentful. Don't do that to yourself.

Anyway, drop contact with this girl. Heal. Learn. Move on.

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18 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It was going well and you were right to think is was a relationship at 12 weeks in.. 

She seems too messed up to be in relationships if she is harming herself and claimed she's depressed and damaged.

Sorry to say, but you dodged a bullet.

Have you read📚 

"Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Paul T. Mason, Randi Kreger ?

It's about dealing with people who are unstable and inflict self-harm...and how to avoid them.

Thanks for your response, you are probably right that i dodged a bullet. 

I can't control my feelings and unfortunately i fell pretty hard for her. She also didn't indicate in any way that it would be bad for me to see her, and the fact that she was dealing with these problems didn't seem to affect our relationship in any way shape or form, when we we're with eachother everything was perfect. She also have told me multiple times that she felt happy with me and did not want to lose me. I don't know maybe i should have thought more with my mind than my heart but quite frankly her mental health didn't seem to affect our relationship and i was very supportive. 

Also i have not read that book and seeming as i know some people who deal with self harm and bpd it sparks my quriosity, thanks for the advice!

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1 minute ago, DancingFool said:

Translation:

I'm really happy to know that you will sacrifice yourself and your happiness to be my crutch. I will use you as I feel the need to heal myself and once I don't feel the need for crutches, I will go ahead and discard you. Thank you for being so useful to me.

OP, you need to be much more aware and pay attention early on to what people reveal about themselves. Fresh out of a toxic relationship, still not healed or over it, mental/emotional instability  - these are not your cues to stay and help, these are your cues to run like your hair is on fire.

You can't fix people, they can only do it themselves. However, if you offer yourself on the platter to be used, you will be used. People will wipe their feet on you if you allow it.

Had you walked away early on, you wouldn't have all these hurt feelings to deal with. It sucks, but it's also a lesson for life. When you see damaged goods, walk away. Seek out those who are in a good place to be in a relationship with you. Life is too short for anything else and if you keep choosing damsels in distress....you'll end up damaged goods yourself - tired, hurt, bitter, and resentful. Don't do that to yourself.

Anyway, drop contact with this girl. Heal. Learn. Move on.

Reading this really gave me a perspective, i haven't really thought of it this way. I am not experienced in the dating world and ive only ever met two girls before this one (didn't really work out with these girls). and i guess the fact that we clicked so well blinded me from all the red flags, i'm not used to affection and clicking with a person this good so i guess i was too blind to see the big red flags that was right across my eyes. I have a problem with falling in love too fast and i usually think more with my heart than my brain which often is a bad thing. Thanks for your advice and for giving me perspective, i will surely remember this in the future.

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55 minutes ago, sankul said:

Because her ex has emotionally scarred her, Sara always panics when things get too serious between us and whenever i bring up that i want to have a relationship with her officially she always says she's not ready for a relationship and that she's very afraid to fall in love. She says she's not in her right headspace for a relationship and that she really wouldnt be able to commit to a relationship because of her mental health

I thought you said she's your partner...

56 minutes ago, sankul said:

three days ago, we havent seen eachother for 5 days and by that time i've noticed that she seems very distant over text, she's showing zero affection, she's making no effort to plan when we should see eachother the next time and she seemed very cold and distant towards me.

She is making no 'effort' to plan?  What about you?

 

57 minutes ago, sankul said:

After a few days of this behaviour i asked her politely if she's trying to push me away and she said "Ive noticed im pushing you away, ive just not been feeling very good". I thought this was weird since she's been out with her friends a couple times during this time and she seemed to have very fun and posted all over snapchat about it.

You are not 'her friends'.. there, she can be herself.  You are her partner, to which things can be a little more challenging re: expectations, etc.

 

58 minutes ago, sankul said:

She also said that whenever we see eachother in real life everything seems to be good and she enjoys it, but whenever we spend time apart things just feel "Dead" and that she has a voice in her head that keeps telling her "You don't need anyone" and "You're better off alone". To put it simply, when we are not with eachother she doesn't seem to have feelings for me at all.

She is right, kinda.  No one should 'need' someone.

 

59 minutes ago, sankul said:

We talked a lot about it but she said that she wanted to take some time alone to think about herself and her relationship with me and try to figure out if she have any feelings for me at all.

IMO, if she doesn't 'feel' by now, she most likely won't 😕 .

She is still too overwhelmed , as a relationship takes Effort, Energy & expectations.. She cannot 'give' to you, what you want & deserve.

 

Yes, you are now 'overthinking' things, because this is how it happens.. when someone pulls away. ( does not mean your thoughts are correct).

 

Sorry, but this girl is very troubled 😕 .. She is struggling with some mental health issue's of which you cannot fix.  What she does need is some prof help - therapy etc to help her work through her issue's.. her negativity she's got.

And is best to do this while NOT involved.

Yes, she is most likely pulling away for good, as I mentioned because she can't do this - be involved.

So, try to leave her be.. don't harass her with messages, calls, etc.  Leave her to work on her self & thoughts on everything,

Has only been a few months - and this is good enough time to figure out IF she feels it's working or not.

I understand it hurts.. but not a lot you can do now, except respect her wishes.

maybe you can go lean on some friends/family for a while to work through all of this... sorry. 😕 

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Having pretty bad relationships doesn't always mean it's the ex....it's possible, she's the bad relationship. The "abuse" she calls it may actually be the reaction of a hurt BF. When they are hurt and confused, they get upset and say bad things or want them back so much, they will do anything like use manipulation out of desperation because they are so in love. You were almost there yourself I'm sure, but had some pretty good self control.

So it's not you it's her. She might be one of those people that thrives on the dopamine when meeting someone new, but when it wears off, depression sets in like crashing from a high. The only way to escape it is to move on, go back to playing with friends and meeting someone again.

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7 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

I thought you said she's your partner...

I didn't know how else to call it, sorry english is not my first language. We are exclusive though and we both didn't want eachother to see other people. I dont know how to label it, it's like we're in a relationship but not officially. 

She is making no 'effort' to plan?  What about you?

I was making effort, yes. But she would try to change the topic or say she couldnt and i didn't want to annoy her or seem needy so i left it at that. 

 

You are not 'her friends'.. there, she can be herself.  You are her partner, to which things can be a little more challenging re: expectations, etc.

Yes you are right about that. 

She is right, kinda.  No one should 'need' someone.

It's not that she should "need" me, when she said this she said it in norweigan so i dont know exaclty how to translate but she said she meant she didn't think  about me at all and that basically she only ever had feelings for me when she was with me in real life. She also said this was a new occurance and that it only recently started a couple days earlier, before that she was pretty clingy over text. 

IMO, if she doesn't 'feel' by now, she most likely won't 😕 .

She is still too overwhelmed , as a relationship takes Effort, Energy & expectations.. She cannot 'give' to you, what you want & deserve.

Yes i completely understand that and i tried not to push anything onto her.

Yes, you are now 'overthinking' things, because this is how it happens.. when someone pulls away. ( does not mean your thoughts are correct).

I know my thoughts are probably incorrect and that i am very well overthinking.

Sorry, but this girl is very troubled 😕 .. She is struggling with some mental health issue's of which you cannot fix.  What she does need is some prof help - therapy etc to help her work through her issue's.. her negativity she's got.

And is best to do this while NOT involved.

Yes, she is most likely pulling away for good, as I mentioned because she can't do this - be involved.

So, try to leave her be.. don't harass her with messages, calls, etc.  Leave her to work on her self & thoughts on everything,

Yes that's what ive planned on doing, i have only sent her one message these past three days because there was something i needed to ask but other than that i of course plan to give her the space she needs. 

Has only been a few months - and this is good enough time to figure out IF she feels it's working or not.

I understand it hurts.. but not a lot you can do now, except respect her wishes.

maybe you can go lean on some friends/family for a while to work through all of this... sorry. 😕 

 

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11 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Having pretty bad relationships doesn't always mean it's the ex....it's possible, she's the bad relationship. The "abuse" she calls it may actually be the reaction of a hurt BF. When they are hurt and confused, they get upset and say bad things or want them back so much, they will do anything like use manipulation out of desperation because they are so in love. You were almost there yourself I'm sure, but had some pretty good self control.

So it's not you it's her. She might be one of those people that thrives on the dopamine when meeting someone new, but when it wears off, depression sets in like crashing from a high. The only way to escape it is to move on, go back to playing with friends and meeting someone again.

You're right, i haven't really thought about that and i didn't want to bring it up with her incase i would bring up bad memories or something like that, i just tried to not bring it up and only spoke of it when she would bring it up, she told me a lot though about what happened. 

I understand it's her and not me and she told me that herself too. 

Thanks for your input!!

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Here's where you pause and change the way you've been thinking about your dating or seeing each other. She's not who you thought she was. 

Don't contact her again. You haven't lost anything here. You've regained your sanity and your free time. Spend it wisely and elsewhere.

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1 hour ago, sankul said:

So my question is, did she really randomly lose all feelings for me out of the blue and sincerely wants to take a brake to think or has she met someone new that she's interested in and seeing right now on our brake?

Answer is that you really shouldnt care. Maybe you really scared her off, she is unstable emotionally. Maybe she meet somebody, you are really young after all, she hang out with friends, who knows. She broke up. This

1 hour ago, sankul said:

She also said multiple times that it's not my fault she is feeling this way and that it's only her fault, she said that ive been really good to her and that i really deserve the best and she apologized for making me confused and hurt by this behaviour.

is classic "its not you its me" speech

You can bang your head for a reason, and yes I know its hard because you liked her, but at the end of the day, you will realize it doesnt matter. Because she is gone. If she is so unstable that she cuts herself, then even be glad its not you and that she is maybe somebody else problem now.

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2 hours ago, sankul said:

You're right, i haven't really thought about that and i didn't want to bring it up with her in case i would bring up bad memories or something like that, i just tried to not bring it up and only spoke of it when she would bring it up, she told me a lot though about what happened. 

I understand it's her and not me and she told me that herself too. 

Thanks for your input!!

Just saying...you are only getting one side of the story. I know that people who are bi-polar or whatever personality issues they may have, tend to have a distorted and negative perspective. Or people just love playing the victim.

IMO when you go through a bad experience, you tend to learn from it. You go through many, you become and are the common denominator.

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Hey, OP. Sorry you are dealing with this. A couple of thoughts. 

First, you do not know whose house she was in. You will drive yourself crazy by speculating as to every adverse possibility. You seem to assume she is over some new love interest's house. While that is possible, here is a counterpoint: most people purportedly exclusive to you aren't dumb enough to send you pictures while in a new lover's house. 

Second, while you might feel a connection with her, she only feels that connection when she is with you. That amazing feeling in your gut when you are in the presence of someone with whom you are intimate? That can be felt even when relationships/etc. are going poorly. It isn't sufficient alone to make a relationship. She has described that she feels either empty, unsure, or anxious when not with you. That likely indicates that she is not really into you - or there is dissonance or otherwise concerns or anxieties surrounding the interaction with you.

Third, she has told you she doesn't want a relationship. It must be confusing that she has said all those nice things and has been exclusive with you. Maybe that "by the way, I don't want a relationship" was a disclaimer so that you couldn't say you were led on later - she was upfront about what she said she did not want and you persisted anyway - so here we are. When a person says that a relationship is not what they want, you should listen. 

Fourth, you will not get what you want (a relationship) by allowing her or other people to be with you as less. If you give $100 worth of services and ask for $5 in return, you will indeed only get $5. Set firmer boundaries and higher standards as to what you will accept. Do not settle for less than you deserve next time.

This is one of your first relationships. You will have more relationships, and with the right match - with someone who actually reciprocates your love and commitment, you will feel the love and commitment even more strongly. I know it doesn't seem like that right now; I am sorry that this one does not seem to be working out.

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Well it might be partially true that Sarah had those bad experiences with her ex but if I was you I wouldn't be just 100% blaming it on that. She did say that she enjoyed your time together but time apart from you it just feels "dead". I wouldn't automatically assume that's just because of her bad past.

The thing is that the older you get, we all have a past. My ex fiance for example had bad anger issues and was suicidal and then he heavily abused drugs and spent all our wedding money on it. Of course this was a hurtful experience but if I really like or love someone new I'm not going to just dump them.

You're in love with this girl so you know how that feels. You think about that person a lot, you want to see them a lot, you miss them. If someone is in love it definitely doesn't feel "dead". So for her to say it feels dead, I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like she feels the same for you. In fact she basically told you that she doesn't.

I think it seemed easier for her to just blame it all on her mental health and her ex. She was enjoying seeing you, having your company and the sex. She didn't want it to get too serious so when you said you loved her, it freaked her out. 

I think you noted correctly that while she told you she wasn't feeling well, she was going out with her friends and posting fun things she was doing on Snapchat. That doesn't seem like someone who is not feeling well, right?

 

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