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13 minutes ago, KitPanda said:

I am working on accepting his limitations. 

How specifically are you "working" on that?  What work -what behaviors, actions, -are you seeking counseling, reading - sounds like you're telling yourself yet another story to rationalize hanging around.

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24 minutes ago, KitPanda said:

14 years is a long time and we've had our ups and downs, but I'm realizing recently that I really think that majority of our conflicts are linked to the ADHD.

It's odd you are putting the majority of issues in the ADHD basket, when you have lived apart, have had "up and downs", and many other issues resulting in not marrying before.

Perhaps you two should hold off marrying until you can decide where to live and be together instead of another overseas excursion on your part.

Have you considered that he doesn't want to marry and therefore it's not a priority for him?

Have you considered how much your extreme perfectionism is affecting all this?

After all he's a grown man and functions in every other capacity except planning parties and surprises according to your expectations?

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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It's a choice you have to make.

Either you accept that he will never be able to make plans or organize things the way you want him to, or you don't accept it.

My friend accepted that her husband will never be able to have a job. She couldn't leave the kids with him until they were older. He can't plan things. He struggles to walk so hiking and theme parks are out. He can't fix things around the house. She knew all this going in and married him anyway, accepting him as he is. Now, she is not a saint. She does sometimes become frustrated and frazzled. It's natural to do so. But she does the best she can to not unload on him because again, she knew what she was signing up for.

Next time you find yourself getting frustrated, angry or impatient with him because he didn't do something the way you thought he should, try to step away and take a breather. It's not good for either of you to be wound up and have your blood pressure rising.

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